Angry Spouse

You can't help him unless he wants your help. I suggest that your focus on helping is adding to his reasons to be angry. Helping comes across as I know better than you or even I'm better than you, I know more than you. It definitely gives the message that you're unhappy with him but not in a direct way. Helping can be passive-aggressive.

Be direct with him. Tell him how his anger makes you feel. Use I statements. Tell him you've tried to help and it's not worked and so you're going to stop.Tell him you're going to take care of yourself and then do it.

Do not stay in the room when he yells at you. Tell him you won't tolerate being mistreated and if he wants this marriage to work the two of you will have to try doing something about it.

I strongly urge you to talk with your pastor if he's also trained as a counselor. You need some help in learning how to deal with your husband's anger. You do not have to take it. You can live in the same house and defend against his anger to the point that he'll learn a different way of dealing with his feelings or you leave.

I also suggest you read Non-violent Communication. They have a web site and a book that I know of. It teaches how to talk so that the other person doesn't feel judged. How to express your feelings in a way that's more likely to get a positive reaction. It's an excellent course in communication skills.

My husband and I started going to marriage counseling recently because of something we were going through. I never thought I'd go! But it is working. If he might consent... that might be good... Will he read? The book: Wild At Heart by John Eldredge is really good. If he won't read it... you read it. Our counselor gave me the book to read. I will be praying for you! NO ONE should be stuck in an abusive relationship.

I married a wonderful man, witty, funny, so brilliant professionally, creative in the kitchen, a great organizer at home, awesome provider, caring and generous. I did notice he would make me uncomfortable at times when we were engaged when he was stressed or didn't like something, but really nothing major. Then we married and our son was born. That was it. Completely turnaround, 100% moodiness, anger, jumping at my throath for nothing, name calling...I was completely speachless. Then came the blame for being unhappy in the marriage ("we don't really connect", "you don't want to talk to me on the phone when I am away" - really? maybe cause you are an a$$hole and I am relieved when you are gone, etc..). It went so out of hand even my step-mother in law noticed he didn't even acknowledged me when he came back after work while his father and step mother were visiting. He would often give me dirty looks for whatever reason...it was AWFUL. After almost 2 years of this something miraculous happened: he cheated! YAYYY!!! I mean, it was not really "yay" at the moment becasue I was not working (taking care of baby and just moved to another state, away from any family) and of course he did it with the tenderness of a tiger biting into its prey, making sure to be as crazy and mean as possible,BUT that single action (cheating) determined the end of that awful time and relationship and I didn't even have to take the blame for it, cause he was (and rightly so) the "bad guy". Him being at fault (and you won't believe how much), gave me good ground to push for custody of the child (Riley, I feel you on this one and I would have done the same thing you're doing now - staying- just to NOT leave my son with his father- luckily this miracle happened!) and I am happily living a drama-free life with my adored son. So I guess my advice is to never think your husband behavior is OK and to be vigilant towards yourself and your feelings/behavior: if you see that you are becoming fearful, anxious, or changing habits that were important to you etc...then it's time to take action to protect yourself and your children emotionally. I think your hubby needs to be avaluated for personality disorders. I am sure he has one.

It's a stressful period for all. I find myself getting angry at my husband because I feel he doesn't get things done when he ought to. I could be pretty harsh on him. Your hubby probably needs his space, but you should also try to have good communication. See what's bugging him at work. Maybe his boss is getting on his case, or he's being pushed to do something he doesn't like. Get him to talk...talk...talk. It's really the best solution.