Angry 5 Year Old

Hi C., I have a six-year old. He is wonderful, but he used to have tremendous temper tantrums until he was about 4 1/2. He still gets angry fairly easily. It's really hard to not match anger with anger, especially when they say things that shouldn't be said or they hit. But a couple of things that worked for us:
1. To not look at this from a place of being at fault. You have a big temper and so does she, but that often means that she is also loving. She is probably just an emotional child. That's okay. The idea is that she expresses emotions in an appropriate way, including anger, not that she doesn't feel the way she does.
2.It's hard, but try to be calm but firm and remove her as best you can from the thing or area of contention. The thing that worked with my son was this: As soon as he had a temper tantrum, no matter where we were or what it was over, I removed him kicking and screaming to his bedroom (even if I had to drive him there) and he had to stay there until he calmed down and could work things out rationally. If he tried to leave his bedroom I took something away from him that he valued and put it out of reach until he behaved appropriately. It took lots of time. I lost my temper sometimes too. You can't be perfect. But, it worked. He stopped the behavior little by little. The worst thing for you to do is to give her something so she will calm down -- that way you are rewarding her. Deal with it now, because if she continues this pattern, you and she are going to have a really hard time when she is older.

Hope this is helpful. All the best.
M.

First of all, C., it is wonderful that you are able to face your anger and deal with it as you have. Many people do not even recognize anger in themselves and do not seek a change. So, take the time to appreciate that you have done this for yourself...and for your daughter.

As far as how you can 'help' your daughter, she will likely learn from your changing. Modeling calm behavior, though it may be hard to do when she starts yelling, will have its effect on her sooner or later. Remember that she has been seeing you angry for all of her 5 years...it may take some time for her to change her ways as well. Next time she gets upset, remember how much you love her and just smile and give her a hug :) It may be hard, but just try it once. Keep in mind that the issue at hand is not really the problem, but rather how she (or you) deal with the issue. I hope that all makes sense, and good luck!

First of all, congratulations on taking steps to help yourself. As for your daughter, my son is very similar. He can be fine and as soon as I tell him no, he turns angry and hateful. Here are some things that I learned from SuperNanny:
1. Create a behavior rewards/loses chart that hangs in the kitchen. That way she can see it and know that if she hits that she'll lose game time or toys, etc.
2. Keep track of her snack/sugar intake. I've noticed that my son has a shorter temper when he hasn't eaten for awhile.
3. When your child starts yelling and screaming, take a deep breath and stay calm. Keep your attitude and tone normal but firm and patient.
4. Think YOUR response through before you respond. Again you want to keep your temper.
5. When she says something that is mean or hits you, calmly let you know that she has made you sad and leave the room.
6. If you put her in time out, give her a tablet and crayons so that she can draw a picture about being mad, etc.
Usually whithin minutes my son is sorry and the event is under control.
Good luck.
M.

Go Super-Nanny on her! Tell her one time to stop the behavior, then if that doesn't work put her in a time out spot. When she calms down go to her and explain the importance of using calmer voice to communicate with you.

I know it sounds easier than it realy is, but if all else fails, ask your councelor for some tips.

I have anger issues stemming from my childhood, and my kids have seen it a few times. I sat them down and told them it wasn't their fault, and that i'm working on myself, and dealing with my bad days as good as I can.

C. --
Congratulations! you have done something really amazing in admitting you had a problem and getting help. You must be very proud of your success! Children learn more by what we do (and imitating us) than what we say, so you've already done the first great thing.

I have found the book How To Behave So That Your Preschooler Will, Too (by Sal Severe) to be really helpful. It will teach you tools to use to deal with their behavioral issues (and there's also a chapter on dealing with your anger, which you'll probably already know much about, but enjoy anyway.) I do know that it will get a little worse as she realizes you're changing the rules on her. But then she'll surprise you and go along willingly the first time, and you'll be amazed. The big key is getting the other parent to read the book and buy into the methods/tools you are using. But as soon as the other parent sees you have one successful encounter, that should help.

The worst thing you can do is to get into a battle of wills or power struggle. Don't react when she has a tantrum. Leave the room -- take away her audience. Or send her to find a place to "think about it" for a while.

Good luck -- and congratulations.

M.

Hi C.,

First of all, have you grown up in an alcoholic home?

Second of all, I would suggest you get some professional advice on how to discipline your children with love. There is a child development coach that you may write to and give her your story. She is Dr. Katharine Leslie.

Her e-mail is ____@____.com can help. Good luck. D.

Hi,

I'm a mother of two Wonderful Kids also... like you i had the same concern about self control and temper. But you know what opened my eyes to overcome it? That is to EMPHATIZE with them. With the help of prayers, i've learned to have that Empathy, it is the ability to identify with and understand another's situation, feelings, and motives. Without empathy, it's nearly impossible for children to learn to share toys, play well with others, avoid angry and violent reactions to adversity, and take personal responsibility for their actions... And I realized that i'm also lacking of rest and sleep, and quiet time with God ( i believe the most important, i dont know about you). Another things is to be positive in our thoughts and words towards our children, like for example. if the parent says, "I can't stand it when my child whines!" --- then that parent's level of tolerance for the whinning will be greatly diminished. However, if parents says, "I don't like it when my child whines, but I can survive it," then not only will that parent be able to tolerate the whining longer, he or she will be more likely to plan effective ways of changing the behavior.

Another thing that will give impact to your kids is to say "sorry' and apologize, let them understand how you feel, in that way you're teaching them indirectly how to empathize with others people's feelings.

Here are some powerful Words to overcome Anger:

Proverbs 14:29... "A patient man has great understanding, but a quick tempered man displays folly."

Proverbs 16:32... "Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city."

Galatians 5:22... "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control."

James 1:19-20... "My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring the righteous life that God desires."

God Bless C.,
I hope this can help you...

H.

Wow C., this sounds a lot like me and my daughter. I don't have a serious anger problem, but I do have a temper and I do yell when I get frustrated. I have noticed that my daughter has picked up on that (she's six). I don't realize it at the time, but she acts just like I do and I yell at her for it. She looks at me as if she wants to say, "Well, that's what YOU do!!"

I have noticed as well that no matter how hard I try to stay calm, when I yell, it takes care of the problem. And I think that's because that's what they are used to. They don't know any other way so they are looking for that familiarity. I think we have to stick to our guns and NOT yell no matter what. Walk away if you have to.

The other thing that I've done, because my husband has anger management issues but doesn't admit it, is talk very candidly to her about our efforts to be better. I would sit down with your daughter and share with her some of the strategies that you are trying from your counselor. I would be very honest with her and apologize for acting so angry and mean. It's going to show her how to act. When she acts out, I would simply then remind her of what to do in that situation. Maybe you could form a partnership with her and work on your anger together. My daughter likes that sort of thing. It's nice for your children to see that you're not perfect and to show them how to fix what's wrong and work WITH them and not AGAINST them. She's going to learn what she lives. I'm learning that the hard way. My hubby and I are making a lot of changes and we're seeing changes in our children very slowly, but changes nonetheless.

Just be patient with her. After all, they all have to be patient with you too while you're trying to change your ways. Let her in and share your success with her!! I bet she'll love it!

That's what I would do C.. Hope this helps! And hey, if you want to chat some time, give me a call!

K. C
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May I suggest setting up a 'time-out' corner. My son can be very onrey and he gets upsets, quite often it seems, when I tell him 'no'. Sometimes he acts as thought it's his way or the high way. I tell him that when he yells, pushes, hits or throw things that he needs to take a time-out in his cool down corner. In his cool down corner we have his favorite stuffed animal (to help him calm down) and a clock. This clock has a face and it frowns when we set the timer. In turn, when his cool down period (two minutes, we set it at one minute per year) is over the clocks frown turns upside down. When he gets up he is to appologize for what he did. If he appologizes, as he is to do, he picks out a sticker to put on his behavior chart. At the begining of the day he gets one sticker for everything he helps with (without pitching a fit) like, putting his toys away. For everytime he gets time-out, two of his stickers are removed. At the end of the week, if he has 10 or more stickers, he gets a special treat. Usually his favorite piece of candy or cookie. This method seems to be working well for us. Maybe it can help you out.

Your child is old enough..even a 3 year old is old enough for you to be able to let her know that screaming, hitting etc..is unacceptable. It's hard to discipline them for behavior you feel you've taught them, but I've had to swallow my pride and tell my girls that I apologize for my unacceptable behavior and we aren't going to allow that behavior anymore into our home and we outlined the consequences that will be followed when we react in unpleasant ways...so when you are in a peaceful time to discuss her behavior have a good one on one with her and let her know the rules and open up with her about your issues on her level and tell her it's okay to feel upset, you just have to work on a better way to deal with it! Good luck! God bless!

i too like to yell and it seems i can tell my children 10 times they cant have a cup but only when i yell it does it sink in. i try real hard to be calm and nice and then feel they make me blow up (i know it's not their fault). but if you can just stay calm another thing i've noticed works is not yelling but raising your voice near their face like a foot away and say very sternly i said no! then give her the options on what she can have or where she can go to finish her venting. maybe ever few times you can lower your voice a little until it becaomes normal and it will train her to listen and obey normal tomes and not just yelling. good luck i know how much you're going to need it. it's definately a battle whenit's your child and yourself that you are fighting.

Hi C.,

I do not know about dealing with this issue specifically with a 5 year old, but I do know what it's like to deal with it. When my first 2 children were 1 & 2, I had a serious anger issue. I never took my anger out on them, but I yelled, threw, slammed, and took my anger out on my husband. When I was able to get my anger under control, my children were doing what they saw from me. They grew out of it, since they were so young, but if I were you, This is what I'd do. When she acts like what you described, I'd sit down and talk to her. She is old enough now to understand much more than before. I'd explain to her that you were wrong for acting like that and so is she. You should try to give her advice on how to direct her emotions the way that you learned. I think that she is still young enough that, if you can get it under control now, she will be okay later in life. Good luck and God Bless!

I too struggle with controlling my anger, but I've found it's important to apologize to the daughter I've wronged. She appreciates it and it shows that I have to answer for my actions too. I would explain to your daughter that you realize you have been in a pattern of yelling, but you would like to change that with her help. Then you could work on it together, giving her positive rewards when she chooses to use her words, instead of giving in to her emotions. Also prayer is a huge help! Hope things improve, C. T.

To help your little one, I would try to distract from the situation, almost like changing the subject (this works with my 2 year old and sometime 4 year old)I try to take their mind off of what they might me upset or angry about. Or my cousin recommended to me for when my 4 year old has a fit, to put him in this own area for 4 min (how old he is)so he can calm down and my other children don't pay him much attention (less chance that they might do the same). Hope this was helpful.
T.
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