An Only Child - Chicago,IL

Give it time. A 9 month old is a lot of work--you may feel differently when he's older. Or, one may be right for you!

I didn't decide I wanted another until my kids were 15-18 months. When I had a 9 month old baby, I wasn't thinking of having another.

Can I just throw this out there.....
Your son is only 9 months. You have PLENTY of time to enjoy him and cuddle up to him and decide in a couple of years if you want another or not.
(also, vacation isn't a must, your children can work to go to college, your kids can share a room, you wont be getting up multiple times a night much longer, and your body is AMAZING...it BIRTHS humans!! woah)

Yes, and we have an only and have taken permanent measures to prevent another. With that said, that's MY situation. Your baby is only 9 MONTHS!! You don't even have to think about another right now. In fact, you're knee deep in first time babydom. Many people think what was I thinking during that stage, and the baby outgrows is, and then it's a funny thing...they miss it! It's hard to think about going through the infant stages again, WHILE you're in the infant stages. Why don't you say this, "He is just a baby and it's new and stressful for me. It's hard for me to think of adding another baby, while he is so young and dependent and still a baby. Give me time to learn this and give the baby a little time to grow up. Let's talk about this, when I'm not so sleep deprived and in the big adjustment of learning how to do this baby stuff. I'm not saying NO, I'm saying not right now, because I can't right now." Don't even worry about the age difference thing!! It's not a big deal. I am very close in age with all my siblings, we were born one after another. We aren't close. I know people with 9 YEARS in between who are best friends. It truly doesn't matter.

Just get through this stage, it's NEVER a good idea to decide you don't want another baby while they are a baby. You know, down the line...you might decide you were right. Husband will have to deal with that. Time might allow him to realize one is best, as well. The point is, NOW is not the time to make that decision.

Enjoy your life with your husand and baby. With time you and your husband will figure out what is right for your family.

Before kids, I thought I would want my kids 2 years apart but when my daughter was turning 1, I thought how content and complete our family felt with just her. I simply was not ready yet. A year later though when she was turning 2 I felt like it was time and I wanted another. I got pregnant immediately but then my son passed away when he was 17 days old. Once again I thought that was it and I was done but then a little over a year after my son passed away we decided to try again and I got pregnant that month with my daughter. I can not even begin to imagine life without her.
Moral of the story... Your son is only 9 months and you are still nursing. The timing is just not right for you now. Give yourself more time and you may find you really do want another child.

Pre-child I initially only wanted one. With baby hormones coursing through me after childbirth, I thought maybe two would be good. When I really thought about it two years later, I realized that I loved having only one. So did my husband. This worked for us financially, patience-wise and health-wise (I had a difficult childbirth and was told to expect more of the same if I had more).

The thing is ... when only one spouse wants another, the default goes to the spouse that doesn't. A survey of the moms here on this site previously affirms this notion. How that works into *your* marriage is something you need to think about.

Also, I know many adult singletons. None of them are selfish or self-centered and they have more friends than they know what to do with. Very social, well-adjusted people.

Your child is too young to make this decision. You have plenty of time.. Enjoy him at the stages he is in. In time you will see what the right decison will be. Don;t argue with your hubby. I will tell you 3 years is a great space between kids, as it any spacing. It has to be right for you.

Good luck

If you already agreed on 2 children, you should talk to him about how you feel.

I will say this: At first, I was quite happy with just DD. When DH asked me about stopping with DD when she was 6 mo old, I was content.

A few years on, he's content and I am not. It is hard. So from your DH's POV, I understand. I'm not willing to divorce for a maybe baby with someone else, but I also feel our family is incomplete and sometimes that makes me angry. I understand my DH's reasons. I just don't like them. Talk to your DH and really listen. Sometimes I just want to be heard. I want DH to understand that I'm not all happyhappyjoyjoy when I hear of another pregnancy (especially if it's along the lines of so and so's teenaged daughter who doesn't want the kid in the first place).

I would make no permanent decisions right now. Infancy is totally different than when the kids are older. And be it one kid or three, you should still cultivate good babysitters, find ways to get out, etc.

I do not think that single children are more rotten than any other kid if the parents don't raise them that way. One of my dearest friends is a wonderful friend, husband and father and for medical reasons is an only child.

I, as others have, would suggest tabling the discussion for now. Neither of you need to make a firm decision when your baby is only 9 months old. Discussing this now may just lead to hard feelings on both sides.

The "arguing more than we did" may be reason enough to work on your marriage before making a major decision about another child.

(I have one child, who has two much older half-siblings, and for us, life is great with one.)

Both my parents were only children and they both hated it. They both wanted to have at least two children.

I had eight kids. In dealing with the public and the professionals, children often came up. What I learned was that if you have one child, later in life you will wish you had three more. If you had two kids, later in life you will wish you had two more, etc. The ideal number of kids for most families was 4. If people had 5 or more they were happy they did. The exception to all this was if they raised their children to go on to "institutions of higher learning" like Sing Sing, or Alcatraz, of Leavenworth. Then they wish they hadn't had any kids at all.

Look at my profile. I'm very glad I had 8 kids and so is my wife. If you ever are unfortunate enough that you loose one of your kids to an accident, if you will be a lot more devastated if you only have one child than if you have two or more children.

Good luck to you and yours.

I only thought of my kids one at a time. What caused our second was when I noticed our oldest could no longer sleep stretched out sideways in the crib, strange I know.

Young kids aren't easy.

I remember when they were eight and ten and my god they were good kids. Ya know the kind that random strangers come up and compliment. Other parents wish those were their kids.

And we had the last two.

By the way, young kids are not easy.

I guess I am saying you probably don't want to carve either decision in stone.

I wanted three before I had my first. My husband wisely said, whatever you decide. Our first is now 2.5. Not sure I want more than one any more. Hubs is happy to follow my lead. Rather than agonize over the decision, we've decided to table it for a year, and then see if we feel differently.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

Hi O.,
I agree with many below that it is WAY too soon to feel that you have to make a final decision. Perhaps allowing yourself to be more flexible with the idea of having two children no more than 2 years in age apart from eachother will take some of the pressure off. The desire to have another child shouldn't be made when you're sleep deprived.....nor out of fear about what a child will become (self-centered). Numerous studies have debunked the stereotype of only children being self-centered, spoiled children who can only relate to adults.

I did want another but waited too long.... However, I am still VERY happy.. if I could only have one, then boy oh boy did I hit the jackpot!!!

I would also add that not all single children grow up to be self-centered. I think that depends upon how you raise them.. Oh sure my son will tell he wants to "remain single" with no added siblings EVER.......... and he does have a charmed life. BUT.. We also teach him to share, give of his time.. be kind to others, etc.. I know lots of kids who come from a big family and one, they aren't nearly as well-mannered as my son and two... the whole idea that if you have siblings close in age they will grow up together and be close is a myth... I also know plenty of those who do not and are sometimes closer with friends than they are with their biological siblings.

Again, it all depends on how you raise them and frankly, the child's personality...
my overall advice, if you are young enough.. wait awhile... maybe finish school.. enjoy the child you have now....

I felt the exact same way when my oldest was an infant! My husband and I always discussed having three kids. Then we had our daughter. We both would look at each other and comment that we could never handle another child. It wasn't until she was 18 months old before either of us could even fathom why people had more than one. But by 18 months, she had gotten easier, we had adjusted more and we decided to try for another. My son is 2 1/2 years younger and the age difference has worked really well for us. That said, my husband has still completely changed his mind on number three. So yes, things change, but definitely give yourself time. It feels like each stage will last forever, but your son will be older and grow more independent.

On another note, I'm an only and my husband has two siblings. I definitely wish that I had a sibling, even as an adult!

Good luck!

I have to say, that if I were in your shoes and it meant so much to my husband to have another child, I would have one.

You would want him to support you if the feelings were reversed.

Good luck...

I have one but I wish I could chose like you. I had my son and I almost died, so the doctor said "no more babies".

I guess it depends on how you look at it or more importantly, where your happiness and satisfaction truly lies.

I know a family of 6 kids who live on the husband's paycheck as a lawnman. They live in a 1300sf home and are the kindest most happiest family, and whose children are the most well behaved and enjoyable to be around.

I have only 1 and instead of wasting my time wishing for 1 more or wondering what it would be like with more than 1 child, I enjoy my days with my son. He is hardly self centered. He is thoughtful, friendly, clever, and other people enjoy being around him. You can have 8 kids and they can still be self centered - it all depends on the attitude of the parents.

I have several friends who went through this situation. IMO I think that it is impossible to predict how many children one wants before ever even having one yet. Follow your heart. Only you, with your husband's input, can answer this question.

Give this a bit more time. I'm sure your body is still in recovery mode any way!

Good luck!

We have an only child by choice with no regrets and please tell your husband....... when he says "only children are self centered, etc" ...... he is DEAD wrong.

Children with siblings can be very self centered spoiled brats as well. It is the parenting of children that helps them become good individuals only child or not. Society labels only children and your husband is a prime example of the prejudgement of only children.

Our daughter is 18 about to graduate high school and head off to college. She is well rounded academically and socially and she understands the value of working for what you have, having goals and achieving them. I couldn't be more proud of the young woman she has become.

Finances can be a factor for many families. It was not the reason we chose to stop at 1. You can't guarantee that siblings will be close to each other. We chose to stop at 1 because we felt our family was complete and we've never regretted our decision. We also believe it is our parental obligation to financially care for our daughter and get her out of college debt free. Many families with multiple children cannot fulfill this obligation and the children who do choose to further their education end up with a lot of debt, student loans to start out their life. I don't think that is fair.

I have 2 relatives that pop out babies every 2-3 yrs and they are at 4 and 5 children each right now. I see the dynamics change in their young families with the children and how the older ones have to grow up faster to help with the younger ones and they just take on more and more responsibility that the parents should be taking on since they chose to bring more children into the world.

Every family is different and having another child is a decision between 2 people. If 1 of those 2 are not 100% on board with another child, then the subject should end and possibly be revisited in a couple of years or so.

You say your child is 9 months right now. It is perfectly understandable for you to have these feelings right now because you are a new mom and making a lot of new adjustments. Give yourself some time to enjoy new motherhood.

Best wishes to you!

When I married my husband I married his kids also, making us an instant family of 4. A couple of years passed and we had one child together. Almost instantly we got pregnant again (surprise!). In coping with this unexpected pregnancy AND an infant, I was tired and stressed and CERTAIN that my life was already complete and there just wasn't room in my heart for one more child. Not to mention, I worried that there wouldn't be enough money or time. I mean, everything has a limit, right?

Wrong.

Love has no limits. From the moment our last baby entered the world I could feel my heart open and grow. As much as she was unexpected and I was NOT looking forward to doing it all AGAIN, I was then and am still so very, very beyond happy that she is my daughter.

Losing sleep & getting your body back are short term. You can do anything for the short term. And it seems we find the money to do what we need -- and some of what we want. This includes a decent home, annual vacations, the occasional real splurge trip and college. Yes, we scrimp a bit and don't get everything we want but, really, who does? And we do just fine.

I don't even want to think what it's cost us to raise four kids but, on the other hand, I couldn't even begin to quantify what the payback has been in having them. I may not have as much money, but I am richer than I ever could have imagined.

Don't decide yet. Give yourself some time and leave yourself open to love. Don't be afraid.

My children are 2 years 6 months and 6 days apart.
It was perfect spacing for us.
YMMV
LBC

I deal with that regularly. I want another child but my husband has 2 from a previous so he says no. The other 2 have nothing to do with us despite all our efforts. Our son is basically an only child, and that hurts me. I have to accept the fact that he will stay an only child because I understand totally why my husband doesn't want anymore.

As an aside, this is just an example, you and your husband have to do what is best for your family. Just how things worked out for us.

I actually am like your husband in this situation. We spent 8 years trying to have children, eventually using fertility specialists and in-vitro to to conceive. Before we went through the process we talked and we both felt we wanted two. He had a sister, and, although they aren't as close as they once were as children, their house was so busy, they always had a built in playmate, holidays at their home involved a gazillion traditions that they always did as a family. I was a single child, I always wanted a sibling, and although I had "sisters" through friendship, it was never the same. It struck me how much I wanted two every time we went to their home for the holidays.

Fast forward to having our son. About 6 months in I mentioned to Troy that we had the other embryos frozen, and that we should start to talk about when we wanted to try for #2 since it would likely take some time. He looked at me like I was speaking martian. J was not the easiest of babies, lots of reflux, and so on, but I firmly believed I wanted 2. At 8 months we decided (Troy VERY reluctantly, although I had no clue how much so until we actually were days away from giving birth to our daughter) to try because we thought the in vitro would need 2 or 3 tries, since I was over 35 at that point. We got pregnant again on the first try (SO BLESSED), and moved forward from there.

Right before Maddy was born we had a discussion about how Troy was SO angry with me for deciding to do it. When I asked him why he didn't express his feelings more, other than the initial conversation when J was 6 months old, and a few mentions since then about how "life would have been with just J" and he said that he felt that my desire to have 2 outwieghed his desire to have one. He said that he didn't want me to resent him for the rest of our lives if we didn't. I was stunned. I felt like I had forced the issue of having a second, and that he was going to resent me.

Now, 3 1/2 years later, our family is pretty much what I had envisioned. J and Maddy are so close, it is almost like we are raising twins rather than separate children. It was hard for the first 6 months or so, but since then it really hasn't been bad.

Give it time, enjoy your son, and talk to your husband. Let him know your fears, concerns, etc. Be honest with him, and go from there. Troy adores Maddy now, and he thanks me for her every night during family prayers. I'm not saying it is the best choice for anyone, it is just our story.

I scanned through some of the responses but didn't read them all, so some of this may have been said before.
The number and spacing of children is always subject to change in a person. I have known people who always thought they wanted 5 or 6 kids, and only have one. I know people who thought they were going to be "One and Done" parents then ended up having 3.
At 9 months, your little guy is probably a handful. They are starting to become more mobile, and are developing/growing at a rapid rate, and hitting all kinds of milestones. It gets overwhelming, very overwhelming, and sometimes the thought of doing it again makes you a more than a little worried/scared/exhausted/insane.
I wouldn't write off the idea of having a second baby just yet, but I also wouldn't be gung ho about getting pregnant just yet either. One thing to keep in mind is that if you do decide to have another one, your 9 month old will be older. I know that sounds stupid, but I remember thinking "There is no way I can do this again!" but I wasn't fully thinking about where my oldest would be, developmentally, when I had my second. Mostly because she wasn't there yet. As she grew and matured, I started to feel the longing for another baby. I got the pangs of wanting/needing another baby.
If you are wanting a way to talk to your husband without shutting the door to children completely, you might think of saying something to the effect that you aren't sure if you are ready for another one just yet. It doesn't end the conversation, but it lets him know you aren't ready for another baby any time soon.

It is seriously no more work having 2, 3, or even 4. The kids play with each other when they get older, they become each others best friends because they share everything growing up, and all that stuff. I couldn't wait to have another child after my daughter was born but I couldn't carry another. So I miss having at least one other child all the time.

I think that you can't make this decision on your own, your hubby may not like the idea and insist on the 2nd child. What will you do then? If he wants more children he's going to hurt really bad when that child does not come.

SO you can't decide this without talking to him.

I always assumed I wanted two. Then we had to choose, our son was 12 months old and we were at the "now or never" point.

We chose never, and I'll tell you why. My son is a handful, we love him to bits but he demands a lot of attention. I would have liked for him to have a sibling, but we just knew that as a couple, two children would turn us into a mess. We'd be snippy to each other, we'd be exhausted, we'd be frustrated and grumpy, and that is not the type of parent either of us wanted to be.

My son is 5 now and we're doing great, he plays with tons of friends and is well adjusted, he's not "selfish" in fact, quite the opposite, he learned to share earlier than most kids and is always trying to give a friend a toy or get them to join in some fun with him.

It's important to know that your only child will grow up to be happy and well adjusted. There's a book called "The Only Child" By Darrell Sifford and that helped me come to terms with the decision. It was incredibly difficult, I wanted another child for our family for later (family gathering and things like that) and for my child to have a companion (it's also important to note that siblings aren't always best friends, my sisters and I despised each other until we were adults), but in the end I realized that neither one of those reasons was a good reason to have a child.

I think 9 months is a hard age to be thinking about another, wait a few months and see how you feel, I think up to 18 months and you'd still be in your ideal age gap window and by 18 months you'll have some personality cues from your child (clingy? independent? challenging? easy going?) all those things will help you decide, but in the end you have to go with what you feel in your guts - would you love your second child just as much? Of course you would! But that doesn't mean that it's the right decision for everybody and there is no shame in acknowledging that you are not strong enough to handle multiple kids. I embraced the fact and I'm a pretty great mom - or so everyone always tells me ;), I know my limits and even though having a big family is appealing, I don't want to be the person that would turn me into. I want to be the mom who bakes cookies and makes forts and spends an afternoon reading books by flashlight in them, I don't want to be the rushed, frazzled, nervy, always stressed and anxious mom that I know two children would have turned me into.