Am I Wrong on This?

M.,

I understand that what you are needing is a place to vent and some understanding for your situation. I have never had 4 kids (kudos to you, girl!) so I don't know exactly what you are going through by any means, but I do have kids and a husband and my only advice would be this: it doesn't really matter whether we agree that you are right or wrong. What matters is yours and your husbands perceptions of what is right and wrong. You both have to sit down and talk out the issue and unfortunately no amount of "right" and "wrong" changes that. Start there (and from that perspective) and I just bet that things come to light you never even thought of before! Good luck to you!

from a wife of 37 years and mother of 5- I'm in my 50's so take that into consideration...I'd cold-turkey quit EVERY thing I'm doing at home (except for the kids) and when he asks (and he will) why things aren't getting done, inform Mr. I'm-on-my-own-vacation that until he helps, this is the best he can hope to get. He gave you those kids, he lives in that house, he can help.

It does sound like something is wrong, since this is a change for him. But it could be something very different than what seems obvious. Could he be worried about finances or job security? Or overwhelmed by the household changes from adding a baby after having older kids for so long? Or feeling hidden shame over not providing enough or doing things right?

Men usually need some downtime in between work and home life, and as inconceivable as it is to women, they like to zone out and actually think about NOTHING for awhile each day. It's an escape mechanism to deal with stress. (Women usually CAN'T get their minds to shut off the same way!! we need to TALK to de-stress.)

Your husband could be using that time after work before he gets the baby to deal with the stress he's feeling over something. If so, recognize this need, and find a way to let him get some "cave time" as The "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" (John Gray) books call it. It may not seem fair, because you don't get the same break between work and home, but the truth is, men NEED this and women need different things more. (So, get some equal time by having a full night out with a group of ladies regularly. You probably need some adult talking more than he does.)

If you think this might be the situation, ask him if he needs some de-stress time after work. Let him know
(nicely, not angrily) that he doesn't have to hide it. Leaving the baby with the sitter may not be so bad. You just need to know what's going on, so that you won't be worried about your husband's actions. Maybe if he can release some of the tension, he'll return to contributing more.

Read this book to better understand the way most males think, and put it in the bathroom where he can read about how most females think without you seeing him read it. ;)
"How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" by Love & Stosny. http://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-Ab...

It also explains how men will sometimes react this way about helping around the house when they're feeling hidden shame over not measuring up.

M.,
I don't think you are wrong for anything that you did. He also may just be VERY tired, I can see how both of you are. I really think you two need a little time together, you two need to really talk. I think you should tell him how he really hurt your feelings last night, let him know how much you do appreciate all that he does, how much you love him and then go into everything you do. Remind him that even though he gets up and out the door, you are left behind to take care of all the kids. Then you get to work and do your job. Remind him when you get home you make dinner for everyone, you feed the baby, etc. Have him also list everything he does. Then ask him if he thinks you don't do anything if he would be willing to exchange roles for a week or so. I think it's good to be in each other's shoes.
To me, I think he's tired, that is why he's waiting to pick up the baby, he wants some down time; since he gets off at 4ish and you at 6ish, does he go home before he picks up the baby? Does he work longer hours at work? I could see him coming home just trying to unwind, the other kids are older so they don't need his attention like a 8 month old. If he's leaving at 6:30 AM, then he's getting up earlier, so by 6:30 PM that's 12 hours, I'm assuming with having older kids, he's not in bed before 10 PM; that's hard on your body, especially the older you get. I know your system has been working pretty good, but maybe he just needs a few days to get in a little more sleep. And I'm sure you do too. Maybe ask if you give him a week off with the little shores, if he gives you the next week off with the shores; 50-50. Not sure what your older kids do during the day, but have them pick up the house and do some of the responsibilities, they are old enough to do most stuff as well as give you and your hubby a break.
I really think you just need to keep the lines of communication open.
God Bless! Hang in there!

It isn't that you are wrong...your husband is acting like he is under a lot of stress. I would take him away for a weekend if you can. Surprise him. Do something inexpensive in case the stress is the success of his job. Make sure he is feeling appreciated. Take something slinky along with you and make the whole focus of the weekend to find relaxation. You guys are too busy and sometimes folks just need a break to regroup and remember WHY they are in the trenches. Spoil him a little. And don't bring up the fight. If he is a good man, he'll bring it up after he's had some time.

VickiS

If things are as you're describing them, I don't think you over-reacted, and I agree there must be more to the story. It could be as simple as "the newness has worn off" (on having the new baby in the house) or maybe something like depression has kicked in. It sounds like whatever-it-is is getting worse as time goes by. Can you get the older kids to stay home with the baby while you and the hubby go somewhere for dinner and some adult, heart-to-heart conversation? That won't solve everything, but maybe it will be a good start to getting communication going again and helping to identify what the problem actually is.

Good luck. I really hope things work out for your family!

Ooohhh no stand your ground!! Those are his children to and he needs to help.

Listen to that instinct of yours... you are probably right, but don't let your imagination get the best of you! Your husband may just be going through a "funk", stress with work, or it could be a bout of depression... that said, keep talking with him and try to get him to open up.. that's the only way you guys can get back on track. Maybe the previous schedule wasn't working for him and he just burned out... but you won't know for sure unless he talks to you! If it were me, I'd arrange an evening for the kids to be out of the house and have just some one on one time to re-connect (talk)... he would feel safe in his own home environment (vs a public place)but have your undivided attention with out interruptions. Who knows... maybe that's all he wanted in the first place! Best wishes!

Next time, I'd wait until after the situation had passed to mention it - in the middle of whatever you're mentioning can tend to be more touchy (easier said than done, I know!).

Have you guys been chugging along so long that you've stopped encouraging and showing appreciation for each other? If he's feeling as if he's not appreciated, then all the hard work may have burned him out - and boys, bless their hearts, need tons of unambiguous appreciation to keep going.

I'd also look into the possibility of his being depressed, since this has been going on, to a certain extent, for several weeks.

If nothing else, start a conversation with him at a time when all the kids are elsewhere and you have an hour or so to just sit down together. Get a sitter, send them to a park, whatever - just carve out some uninterrupted time. Maybe he's worried about something at work, maybe he's just pooped, maybe something else entirely - give him a time and place to express himself about where's he's at these days and see what comes out. Your gut feeling about that should guide you.

Good luck - sounds as if you guys have a busy household!

i'm gonna call it tired and stressed. yes you overreacted to a nap. bring it up nicely. "hey i noticed that this has been going on for a few months. what do we need to change to get everybody their downtime?" then listen without judgement. so he wants part of one day a week for a nap or a beer or to sit outside and do nothing. let him and ask for it yourself. everyone needs "me" time. sure i would have been peeved too. but take a step back and realize that your older kids can help too.

M., hang in there. I also have four kids and work full time. Our baby is nine months. And it is still hard some days trying to get it all done. But what I have found. Is our schedules change up from time to time. And it maybe time to change schedules again. My Husband is alot of help, but there are times when he gets stressed and needs a little less home pressure. I also need the same. We're a team, and have found we just let one another know. and we work it out. Also our kids pitch in, we're a family and work together. Such as making Dinner, when all hands are working it gets done faster. So there is time more to spend together. Just talk calmly to one another and you'll work it out. Hang in there, I know it's tough

Ya'll sound so tired! I would be too. I feel for BOTH you and people certainly get grumpy when they are just worn out. I'd suggest taking a moment to re evaluate what is truly necessary to get by and maybe you could go part time? Or even just a schedule change? I'm all about responsibilities, but really, you only get one life and you have so many things (people) to be thankful for just to work, work, work and never get a moment to just enjoy it. I don't think you're wrong and I don't think he's wrong, we all freak out once in awhile especially on those who even though deserve it least, we know we can trust enough to take it...know what I mean? I'd just work really hard on slowing down...I know it's easier said than done. good luck to you and your family...hope life gets a little easier for you.

M.,

What time does your husband to go sleep at night? Since he leaves for work at 6:30 a.m., he should go to bed at 10:00. If he goes to bed later than 10, that explains his nap. It doesn't excuse him, but that explains it. He MUST help you with the house chores and taking care of the kids. You both work full time - no excuses. As far as a possible affair, has his behavior changed lately? Does he work out at the gym more? Is he trying to improve his physical appearance? When is the last time you two had sex? Is he rejecting you in bed? Maybe you two should seek therapy together if you can't work through this. Best of luck!

He may just need a good physical. I know men don't generally like to go to the doctor but they need to. There may be some health reason that he is changing. Blood pressure and cholesterol can cause people to be grumpy and tired.

He sound like he needs to see a Doctor- when was the last time he has a check-up? I know if it was the wife who was all of the sudden really moody and too tired to do anything, hypothiyroidism would be one of the suspects- it's not too common in men, but it does happen. I would see if I could get him into the Doc to see why he has no energy which would definatly make him moody or maybe he is becoming stressed out with his job.
Do you guys get ANY time together? just the two of you? I would make a great effort to make sure that you guys go out once a week- you have teens that could watch your little one, or hire a babysitter, just make it a priority to put your marriage first. And if you tell him how much you appreciate what he does for you and your family, you will be amazed how that changes his attitude, don't be afraid or too stubborn to be the first to say thank you- he'll see that you are both working hard for your family.
Good Luck!
~C.

hello!!!!

i hope he is tired because otherwise maybe he has an affair but i think is tired because of doing the same things everyday you can get tired maybe one day a week you can take 1 hour just for your self to go out,take a nap... and maybe next day he can do that because a baby and a rutine like that can make you tired.

No, I do not think you are wrong on this. No one should be treated with such disrespect. It does not sound like you were overreacting at all. But, there are a couple things that aren't clear in your post. First, you don't mention what reason he gave you for having you pick up the baby instead of him. Did he say it was because he was tired and needed a nap? Was it because he had to work late? Or did you not even ask why he wanted you to pick up the baby? The answer to this question could help understand what exactly happened yesterday. Second, you mentioned that your husband had stopped contributing "lately". Have you had any type of discussion with him about these changes, besides what happened yesterday, or have you just been ignoring it, hoping he would get out of his "funk" on his own and go back to the usual schedule?

The only way you're going to know what's going on with your husband is if he tells you. If his first reaction is to blow up at you, I would let things cool down and then approach the subject again to see if you can find out what's up when he's being rational. If he still doesn't want to talk, or reacts the same way, you probably have a problem on your hands that will take more time or some outside help to get through.

The short answer here is it's obvious there's something up with your husband and there are a multitude of reasons why this is happening. You need to find out what that is before you can try to help him get past it, if it can be helped at all. I agree with the other mom who said trust your instincts. Don't jump to conclusions, necessarily, but make sure your words and actions are helpful in finding out what's going on, rather than contributing the problem, in case it's simply stress, depression, or some other issue that your home life is causing.

Your schedule does sound hectic, but it sounds like you guys had a good balance of chores before he stopped helping. When my husband all of sudden doesn't want to do his part, it just doesn't get done. I'm not going to all of a sudden take over his chores as well as mine without a good reason. Marriage is a partnership, and even the way chores are split in a marriage can have legally binding implications in the case of a divorce.

Try to find out what is going on and then react accordingly. There's no use trying to guess why this is happening. I've been married 16 years and I still can't tell why my husband does some of the things he does. :-)

Good luck!

Blessings,
N.

I would say something else is up. Perhaps an evening where the two of you can go and eat and talk would be good. Perhaps he has some struggles at work, or feeling left out... or maybe he is not feeling well. Or perhaps a little overwhelmed... communication is key.

I would say, get away without kids or committments and just talk to him about what is wrong.

Your older kids can also be helping with yardwork and cleaning up around the house before you get home.

Hope ya'll can get it worked out.

When my hubby quit contributing he was cheating on the internet. So beware. He asked for a divorce three years later and did it remarried two months after the divorce was final. Wanted out 4 months later divorced her within a year. Cheated on his first wife and told me he has not let go of the chats with others so his 4th wife probably does not know and he is very good at hiding it. It was not until he asked for the divorce and after it was final that all the signs creap up in my nightmares. God Bless G. W

A husband acts differently and everyone assumes affair.....I would not automatically assume an affair. I realize it is a possibility because it does happen everyday but don't automatically assume affair. So many people jump to that conclusion first and then everything gets blown out of proportion.

Both of you are very busy and I am sure it is hectic. I read your post and your schedule and I don't know how you keep your sanity....Kudos to you. I think my scheduule is tough and then I read something like yours and I appreciate my schedule.

Your hubby may just need some time to chill to himself a bit. Give him some space...listen to him. Could he be depressed over something? Job? not feeling well and not telling you about it because you'll worry? or just plain tired.

Everybody needs some down time for themselves now and then. We all get in a funk and need to be alone at times.....Sometimes a nap or mani/pedi or just reading a book will do it.

We've been married 20+ yrs and when I am in the "funk" I hop on a plane and go to the beach. When I caome home I am relaxed, refreshed and ready to go again. Hubby fully supports this. He travels a lot and is out of town often. When I head out of town, he enjoys one on one time with our daughter. It works well for everyone.

The behavior change is certainly something to notice and address calmly. It could very well be some money issue.

Good luck.

I think he's just tired. Please don't immediately jump to conclusions or think the worst. We all get tired and run down. I have down times when I just wish the world would go away and let me rest. I know it's impossible to do when you have 4 children, however, he sounds like a really sensitive guy who has enjoyed helping out up until now. He may be facing some big stuff at work, or just missing alone time with you. Assume the best and ask for guidance from God.

Ask your husband what he needs from you. I know that sounds like the last thing you want to do because you are already spread so thin, but I bet he will reciprocate the favor later on. He knows you are exhausted and probably feels a little guilty sometimes that he can't do more. Give him some room, some time, and make him really glad to come home to you and the kids. I'm not advocating being a doormat, that is not it at all. I'm just saying, I think the man is just tired. By the way, a really good book to read is called "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. Good luck!

He could be depressed or he could just feel overwhelmed and need a break. It does seem like there is something that he is not telling you. Maybe he does feel like he is doing everything and you think that you are doing everything. The best thing to do would be to sit down with him and have a conversation about feelings and responsibilities. Just make sure it is an environment where he can express how he is feeling. Maybe it is time to adjust the schedule for some reason. Anyway, hope this helps. Good luck!

It may be something nothing more than exhaustion, the idea of three teens and an infant wears me out. It sounds like you two do not have any time alone together. If your oldest can manage the baby with the help of the other two go on a date with your husband, if money is an issue pack a picnic lunch and go to the park then to one of Ft Worth's free museums. It is not where you go just that you spend time alone together. Listen to how he feels and do not judge his feelings just listen. Good luck.

I understand your situation. My husband and I have both worked full time and also have 4 children (one is already on her own) and he too helps with alot around the house. Your husband may be tired/overwhelmed and feels that he needs a little time to himself. There is nothing wrong with that. I could see getting upset if he was doing this nap thing everyday, but if it was just one time, then I don't think he was in the wrong. Be thankful that he is helping out because there are alot of husbands/fathers out there that leave ALL the work to the wife/mother. I know it can get stressful, but hang in there.

You asked, so here it goes. Could your husband be of the old mind set, that its a womans job to take care of the house,kids,meals etc...? I don't have a problem with this if you can afford to stay home. Could you down size and stay home. We all make choices and if a two parent working family is what you need or want, its a choice that you both have made. Because of this you both need to make it work. You both may feel that you are not given the respect that you deserve and need. Take some time away from the kids and sit down together away from the house, a date, a night or two at a hotel. Have a heart to heart talk with each other, allowing each other to express your feelings. What is your goal for your marriage and your family and how can you best achieve those goals? Can you afford a house keeper or involve the kids more in house work. Do you need to have a date night regularly. Get your husband to talk. Explain to him that you are working very hard too. Do you need to take turns with certain chores? Is he doing the lawn work or is your son. It takes the whole family to make a home run smoothly. When both are working, both need to contribute to the day to day task of running a household and raising children. It always takes both parents to raise children, they need what a dad can give. Keeping quite will only make things worse. Be willing to give and take. If all fails, seek counselling. Your children and your marriage can only thrive when the two of you work to make it work.
J. W.

M., I agree with the Mamas who have indicated stress as a reason for your husband's requiring a nap and snapping. I only have 2 kids and work full-time so I can't imagine the stress of having 2 additional kids and a young baby being one of them.

I'd certainly talk with him about why he responded the way he did. LISTEN to him and let him vent if he needs to. Men and women deal with stress differently, speak differently, etc. I wouldn't assume anything without talking to him first.

If y'all are able to get away for a date or weekend that may help too.

M.,

Go with your intuition on this one. Sounds like he might have something to tell you. He could just be tired and unhappy, but he could also have some sort of extracurriculars going on on the side. Having you pick up the baby and you finding him at home napping and him snapping like that...very odd behavior. My hubby had a friend whose husband was cheating on her and this is the type of behavior that went on for months before she found out. I hope he is just tired and unhappy...that you can work on. Good luck!!