Am I Wrong? - Valley Cottage,NY

You are not wrong. Not only have you got 4 hrs out and 4 hrs back to drop them off, you've got the the same deal to pick them up again. 16 hrs of driving over a holiday weekend (and the traffic is crazy enough over the holiday anyway) is not something I would want to deal with.
Skype is a wonderful thing.

I think MIL needs to be flexible and so does hubby. As a family you think of options that will be pleasing to all of you and then offer them as options to her to pick from. If she wants to see you (even if it is only the girls) she should understand. You might not make it on Thanksgiving, but you will make it there. You can call on the holiday, and if she wants to do traditional stuff, it can be done on a different day. Really. And if she doesn't realize that now, she should in time. Just approach her with the spirit of cooperation and start the ball rolling by giving her options that will work for you.

If anything, you can use this to set a good framework for approaching touchy subjects. The fact that the texted you about this whole event speaks volumes. So if she gets all fussy with you, keep in mind you are taking baby steps towards working together as a family and that takes time.

i think it depends on where you work and what time you have to be to work the day after thanksgiving. example my husband works as a produce manager at a grocery store, for obvious reason they don't get a whole lot of buisness that day so in that case I would say go ahead and take take the drive. since I was 18 I worked in retail (every position from cashier to customer service to management position to working in the back room ) and I still dread black friday. you go in at 5am and spend the day watching people scream and fight over everything...no fun! in that case I would say you deserve to relax the day before and if you do that best staying home go for it!

why do families have to draw lines in the sand? Why can't everybody rejoice in having families? This drives me nuts.

Life does not have to be a "boo-hoo" fest! It does not have to be about "my family, my day" vs. "the in-laws". If we all try to be the best we can be & try to devote positive energy into our relationships, then I truly believe we could all be living happier lives.

Holidays should not be an argument over who/what/when/where. Holidays should be joyful & family-filled. If we, as parents, inject as much as we can into these events....then the kids will be happy to go, will not fight, & will have memories to last a lifetime. That is part of our responsibility as parents....to create happy adults out of our children. !!

The ride does not have to be torture. Have a family conference beforehand. Explain to the girls the importance of being a family, of gathering together & rejoicing. Ask their input on what they should bring/pack for the ride. (even toddlers have opinions!) Surprise them with little prizes from a goody bag of special treats. Make it FUN!! I grew up on the road, as did my kids. The rides themselves became a huge part of the fun for us.

One of the things we did to help pass the time was to actively-engage the kids in observing their surroundings. We used a scavenger hunt many, many times! I would print out a list of things to find.....using both words & clipart. The items listed ranged from a blue big rig to a yellow fast car....to an Oreo cow.....a white horse....a pink house....etc From where we live to St Louis....is about 1 1/2 hours & 7 McDonalds! By focusing their attention outside of the vehicle, we able to sustain the entertainment value of the road trip AND use the time to help educate the kids too. It truly does work!

In closing, I wish you Peace. You sound tired & not ready for the holidays. I wish I could send you a bucketful of pep & vim & vigor! While I hate the thought that your MIL sent you a text on the subject, please try to rejoice in the fact that she wants your girls! That's special & something that not all families have.....

My opinion, and some might disagree, is that if your husband doesn't want to go alone, and your MIL wants the girls, then she needs to do the driving to get them and bring them home. I also would not want to drive 4 hours each way for a meal. And I also think your husband is being selfish in expecting you to do so considering your the one who has to work the next day. Again just my opinion.

Is it possible to meet at a 2 hr point for each of you? How about you guys take them and she brings them back or vice versa?

She did ask in enough time for everyone to come up with a plan. All my family lives 2-5 hrs away. I sometimes hate the drive but suck it up because you never know when this could be your last time seeing someone.

How again is it torture for the girls? Bacause they argue over a DVD player or toys. Well as I tell my children find a solution or you will not have it to even argue over. That works everytime.

Invite her the spend Thursday at your house (and sleep over...going home Friday).

OR

Offer to come to her house on Saturday and go home on Sunday.

Both options allow your children to see their grandmother which is really what is important here...Not the turkey, etc.

Both options should be presented to your MIL by your husband and he should be upfront that this is what he wants...And not pin the blame on you or your work schedule, etc.

Hi B.,

I might be way off here, but your MIL is offering to keep the kids and your problem is what exactly? From someone who almost never gets anyone offering to keep my kids, I would jump on this so fast and be jumping up and down with joy. =) Honestly, though if the drive is too much for you, ask your MIL is she'd be willing to do the drop off. There has to be some way you can do this and get a good date night or something out of it to make this work. Good luck to you and try not to stress over what is meant to be fun and enjoyable.

Yes, you are wrong!! And to Sue I couldn't have said it better. Noone wants to take the time out to enjoy their family time. Have your daughter choose movies before you leave and compromise, within a two hour drive they should each get to choose one and be happy. Your attitude towards the ride sounds like it is rubbing off on your girls. It could be a fun time to spend time with your family in a long car ride. Sing songs, play games, etc.

for girls 4 hour drive is nothing (we have driven longer with our now 6 year old twins and they don't even have a car dvd).
for you 8 hrs back and fourth could be too much. it would for me so if grammy can meet you half-way great. if not, have the husband drive there.
from a mom who has never had anyone offer to take my children, wow, i'd jump on this.

if I had to work the next day, there is no way I'd do a 4 hour car trip there and back! Your MIL is being selfish.

It sounds terribly inconvenient. To take your daughters there and then drive home is 8 hours drive time -- that's a lot of time, especially if you can't stay for a day or two. To have to drive there twice within a matter of days (16 hours of driving, groan!) is just too unreasonable. Maybe next year you can take the Friday after Thanksgiving off so that you can all drive down there and stay a bit longer. Or perhaps your MIL can drive up to your house and spend Thanksgiving with you and your family this time around.

I think if dad wants to take the girls he should. Working the day after Tday always made me decide NOT to go anywhere for the holiday that year. Besides, mom's sometimes like to have their kid without the spouse on occasion. Maybe he wants you to go so he doesnt get "cornered" by mom.... that's why my husband wont go to his moms without me...... says he doesnt have enough stuff to talk to her about and that she loves me and I can talk more and make her happy.....
You working on Friday is an absolute reason not to make the drive. Nothing wrong with Hubby doing it if he feels he must and if the girls want to go. Send them off with your blessing. Gives you some quiet time for the holiday, probably much needed anyway, right? Just make sure you send him with some bowls to bring back some leftovers ;)

I think the bigger question is, "What is the greater good?"

It's obvious you and perhaps hubby don't get along with his mom. You didn't say why.

A few things to consider:
What do you think you're teaching your girls about how to get along in life? Why should they see any animosity towards their grandmother?
Why can't you an hubby enjoy watching the girls visit grandmother? Even if you don't take pleasure in her company, they do, so why don't you take pleasure in that?
Why is it so important that you be 'right'?

I'm not agreeing or disagreeing with you. I'm just trying to give you a different perspective.

Good Luck.

seems like there is a serious lack of love and respect going on. you vs mil, kids vs you (in the car)...a lot of good advice here and you should take it. the girls should not be making a 4 hour drive a nightmare - it's very likely that your attitude towards these trips is what makes everyone so disagreeable. just a thought.

Ok wow a text seems a bit much to me. Like way rude. I have a daughter from a previous marriage and oddly miss having the kids more on thanksgiving almost then christmas.
This is very sticky, but i really like the idea of having them come to your place. IMO the person who has to work the next day has final say on driving 8 hours on their day off. Can you go down friday night instead?

I think it is uber rude for her to decide you don't get to see your own children on Thanksgiving. But you have to live with your husband the other 364 days of the year. What do you do for Christmas? Will she not see them then, and therefore sees this as her only chance at holiday with her grand daughters this year?

Hmmm, if SHE wants the kids, she can come pick them up and bring them home.
Course, they're YOUR kids, and if YOU'D like a nice quiet Thanksgiving at home with your kids, so be it. You can invite them to come.
To answer your question 'Am I wrong?"
No, you CAN'T be wrong since there YOUR kids!
Do what feels right for you and your family on Thanksgiving. Over all there are so VERY few of them with you and your husband and daughters as a family! Do what you need to enjoy the day!

I think it is too much driving for one day. For a dinner, really, if you think about it. I think you guys could plan to go on the weekend after. Maybe drive there Saturday and come back Sunday. But, really, that is too much for one day. And, I wouldn't send my kids that far away for that long either. They are your kids, you do what you feel comfortable doing. But, with working the next day, there is no way I would put myself and my kids through that! No way! Good luck!

4 hours is way too long to be driving down just for the day. If your MIL wants to see the girls, why doesn't she come up??

And another word of advice? Don't text her about it, call her and talk to her in person. I sense communications issues between you, your husband, and your MIL, which are probably exasperated by the fact that you all seem to text each other rather than having real conversations.

The fact that she sent you this text 2 weeks ago and you still haven't reached a decision/compromise is what concerns me. This is a power struggle, plain and simple, between the 2 women in your husband's life. While I understand that he doesn't want Mom to get her knickers in a twist, he really needs to defer to you in this situation because you have to work the next day. It seems silly to spend 8 hours (probably more with traffic) in the car for one meal, when you could just as easily see her over the following weekend. It's not like you are intentionally withholding your children from her. Seems like alot of pressure to me. If she can't come to you for Thanksgiving Day (is that even an option?) then I would just put my foot down and say that you don't want to spend your holiday in the car and have to rush through the meal, and wouldn't it be much more festive and relaxing if you spent some time together the following weekend? Surely, if she's the least bit reasonable, she will understand. But you and hubby need to be on the same page though. Good Luck.

Oh the joys of holidays, family and work.
a 4 hr drive is a long way, I agree. I can tell you, we live an hour away from my parents and would do either my family or my in laws because of the drive.

I don't believe you are being selfish. If you have to work, then stay home. Do you live in the same town as your family? If you are willing to let DH and the girls go to his family I don't see what the big deal is... its only Thanksgiving!

Next year maybe you could put in for the Friday after Thanksgiving off and planned to go down and stay the weekend with your inlaws.

It's pretty rude to simply send a text saying "I want the girls for Thanksgiving." They are your daughters. You, hubby and the kids are a family unit. If you were working ON Thanksgiving, I'd suggest having hubby and the girls go to grandma's but if you are home that day, you should spend the holiday with your kids. I understand that MIL may not be able to visit you for the holiday since she may have other grown kids and grandkids coming over. I would say, the 4 of you have Tgiving at your place and have hubby and the girls visit grandma for the rest of the holiday weekend.
I see you're from Valley Cottage - one of my sisters lives there, that's where we are going to Tgiving. My other sister and her kiddults come from Maryland but they stay overnight, it's too long of a trip for one day, and it'll be longer than 4 hours in Tgiving traffic

I agree with Andra.

Wow- first off I cannot believe that she TEXTS you that! Like that should not warrant an actual conversation! The most important thing is that you are all together AS A FAMILY on that day. That she would even insinuate that you should not is a huge problem. (I am guessing this is not the best relationship) So here is what you should do-tell them, and your husband, that it makes not a lick of sense to make that drive in one day. Thats craziness-and actually very unsafe. Tell them to either come and visit YOU for the holiday or you guys plan a trip there soon. IMO a good compromise would be to leave Friday as soon as you are off of work-make the drive and them come home Sunday. Like it or not she is your husband's mother and I can see why he wants to see her and I can also see why she would like to see her grandchildren. It will be a pain for you I am sure but sometimes you do just have to suck it up.

Jumping back in to add how amazed that I am at all the posters that think that your family should seperate on Thanksgiving-by either sending the kids there by themselves or you spending it alone. Really people-I know it is not a "gifting" holiday but it is a holiday none the less. You usually don't see such bad advice on this board.

Your intuition is good. Thanksgiving is a family holiday. You four are a family. Inlaws are invited in to your family - they don't get to demand breaking up of the nuclear family. You could invite her for Thanksgiving at your home, if you wanted to. Then she would have time with the girls and you would be together as a family. And you could go to work the next day, etc.

First off..she didn't ask you, she was telling you. If she wants them so bad, she can meet you half way or your husband take them.

I don't think you are being selfish and he's a jerk not to take your feelings into consideration. You shouldn't have to be guilted into doing something you don't want to do that you know is going to be a disaster.

If you feel you have no other choice and do it out of obligation, you will have a horrible time. Stay home, take along bubble bath, watch movies all afternoon.

Nanc

.

How sad that your MIL would TXT you something like that.

I would text her back and say this - "You come OUR house for Thanksgiving - you can take the girls back with you and bring them back on Sunday afternoon"

If she doesn't like that - too bad. That's a lot of travel for one day. Even traveling Wednesday night to get there is not fun. Getting into Delaware on HEAVY travel weekend - especially if you have to go over the DELMARVA bridge...urgh.

As to your daughter's traveling in the car - you need to nip that in the bud and fast. At 4 and 6 - my boys could go 4 hours in the car without complaining. At 8 and 10? They can do 4 to 6 hours without problems.

I let them bring their DS's and DVD players - they have snacks and drinks - if they fight over them - they are done. PERIOD. and they know I'm NOT kidding. Set the ground rules and EXPECT them to behave. There is NO reason why a 4 year old can't ride in a car for longer than 30 minutes. They are controlling you - instead of you being in control.

As to your hubby not stepping up to his mom? I'd tell him to take it up a notch and tell her to her face or over the phone that it is NOT acceptable to text you or him and ask for the girls for the weekend, etc. While she may be trying to be respectful of timing - work, studying, etc. the fact remains is that THOSE questions are best asked ON the phone not via text.

Why don't you tell your MIL it is too much on the girls and that she is welcome to come spend Thanksgiving with you and spend the day after with the girls and her son as well. Personally I wouldn't make the ride nor would I let my in-laws put my kids in a car without me for that long of a ride, but that is me, I tend to be extremely strict about things like that. Personally I would rather work Thanksgiving (I work in health care) and have the day after off, we go cut down our Christmas tree then and I just love going out to the tree farm, hiking around for hours looking for the perfect tree, then coming home, have hot cocoa and putting the tree in the stand then decorating it.

Sorry not in a million years would I do that. I say lets eat at home with the girls because we are a family and send MIL photos of our dinner. If they want to see them so badly she can pick up the phone and call you. Then you can tell her she can come drive 4 hours to your house for dinner then drive back home 4 hours.

OR a nicer way to put it..........

I would call an invite them for dinner to your home, stay over if they want and spend time with the girls. Good luck!

I totally disagree with having a family conference to explain why you all should go because you are a family. LOL, that's all the more reason why you should stay home with your husband and girls and be a family. MILs want everything all the time. They are so damn annoying. I'm not speaking because of my relationship or lack thereof with mine, but a majority of the posts on this board are about controlling MILs and their spineless sons!!!!! Sick of it! 4 hours over a holiday there and back then you have to go to work, please, stay home and cook. Your MIL sounds like she is demanding the girls. How come she can't come to your house? It sounds like as you said she could care less about you and your husband. Bottomline if you don't want to go and you both can't come to an agreement, then stay home. HOLIDAYS TEND TO BE CHAOTIC BECAUSE FAMILIES ARE DYSFUNCTIONAL TO BEGIN WITH AND HOLIDAYS JUST BRING OUT THE WORSE IN PEOPLE. That's the only reason why holidays can't be peaceful. People wait for the holidays to stir the pot of chaos and create division and then complain and play victim. Stay home and PLAN YOUR OUTTINGS, don't let someone else dictate or create pressure for you!!!!!!

I would drive out and drive back on the same day but leave the girls there for the weekend. It will be fun for them and give you some alone time with hubby.
They will be fine! Maybe meet somewhere half way to get them back.

I think you should go, unless you have some disagreeable MIL story in which she takes precedence over you constantly. It's a holiday and people like to be together for the holiday. Do you plan on seeing your family as well? If so, maybe plan Thanksgiving at your place? It's not like your daughters are infants...they are 4 and 6...make a few stops along the way and everyone should be comfortable.

Does your MIL know how to use the phone? Does she know how to use manners? If so, she should have ASKED if she could have your girls for thanksgiving and OFFERED to come and get them herself.

Do what YOU feel is right for your family. No one here can tell you if you are right or wrong.

8 hours in car with kids no way Tell her to do thanksgiving on sat stay overnight leave Sunday or better yet let them drive down to you on thursday
By the way thanksgiving is the worst traffic day!

Personally txt or no txt what bothers me is she only asked for the girls not the whole family. Thanksgiving is a family holiday and that would rub me the wrong way. I also believe people txt or e-mail instead fo picking up the phone is they can write what they want then the ball is in your court. Pick up the phone call her and say "do you really just want the girls or all of us" If she truly just wants the girls and you have no problem with that then ask her to come pick them up, keep them for the weekend and your hubs can pick them up. Otherwise if she did mean all of you I would take the drive. I always look at it as this could be the last time I could possibly see them, stuff happens etc. Although my son might moan at the long distance when I tell him we are in for a long drive, he always has a good time, we sing, watch movies, he has his PSP we play I-Spy. Just make it fun if you intend to make the trip. As a side bar just by the comment "she could care less if we (he and I) show up.... says you got other issues with MIL than a 4 hour drive......

The girls are still small, the trip would be nice it is about family time and memory building for your children. Make the time because at some point you will here what they think before that happens consider making your own memories. It is truly not about the adults it is about the children, memories are so important you may want to consider making some of your own. I did it with my children and now that they are grown I am glad I did.

I have decided that the 2 hour ride each way to Sesame place is too much to do in one day with my 3 & 5 year old. For my 3 year old especially, it's not fun to be confined to his seat, and with traffic it's always more than 2 hrs. We're completely exhausted when we get back, it's not fun for them or us.

Four hours each way with a 4 & 6 year old, in one day, is your husband nuts?? You are not being selfish, you are the only one being sane and rational. Either let hubby take them himself (if you don't mind missing Thanksgiving with them), or let MIL come to you.

How does your MIL have so much power than she can demand this?

Don't do it...It's far too draining!!! Good luck...Have a Happy Turkey Day?

I don't think it's too much at all, but we make an 11 hours trip with our girls (6 and 13 and have since they were babies) every year.

Thanksgiving is a family event, and I don't think it will hurt your children to see their grandparents for a few days.

Go the night before so they can sleep on the way there. Stay the night, and drive home the next afternoon. Or have MIL come and get the girls. I just don't see it as a huge deal, but I also had grandparents that didn't really care if they ever saw us. I think it's great yours want to spend time with yours.

You're going to be working anyway, what's the harm?

JMHO.

Driving 4 hours each way in one day is too much for the driver as well as the kids. You and your husband need to figure out some thing that works for your nuclear family.

I would not want to drive that with my teenagers and adult children...not in one day. If you can go up say Wednesday mid-morning and leave Thursday evening...that seems to me to be the better option.

When I married my husband we use to run between four households NOT counting our own. Both of our parents were divorced so you felt obligated, especially with children, to see them all in ONE day. WE quickly said NO more. Thanksgiving isn't about THE day, it's about giving thanks and my thanks wont be less important just because I might gather together the weekend after Thanksgiving and not the EXACT day. We do that for Christmas too. We now spend holidays, mostly, at home with our family and then take turns and our time visiting family.

Highways go both ways, so she may have to come to you.

But 8 hours in a car to enjoy a few hours with family...don't agree it's worth the drive.