Am I Right to Tell My 8/Y to Deal with the Problem by Himself

He's too young to deal with it. You need to help him. It's OK to cry when you're 8. THis boy could bully more if he thinks he can get away with it. You also should talk to the teacher or send him/her and email.

I think you're right. It's better that he learn how to deal with situations like this now, then grow up expecting you to solve all of the unfair problems life throws his way. Perhaps I'd phrase it differently though ... maybe ... "Oh man, what a bummer, so what are you going to do about it?" :) Good luck!

You son is not a man yet. He's a little boy who came to his mom for support and guidance. Tell him it's okay to cry, and show his emotions. He was bullied, and I think you should take this matter to his teacher.

Yes, at 8 he should deal with this himself but he needs your support and encouragement. Telling him he's a man and that he can deal with it himself is so hurtful. And telling him to stop crying is really hurtful. He needs to be able to release his feelings. And he needs you to help him figure out how to handle this. He's only 8. He doesn't know what to do. He already feels humiliated because the boy took his pencil and he couldn't get it back. Then you humiliated him more by telling him he's a man and don't cry. HE IS NOT A MAN! He's a little boy. He is still learning how to handle life's difficulties, just as you and I are.

When you're unsure of how to handle a situation you ask for help. I'm glad you posted here. Give your son the benefit of the doubt and sympathize with him. Talk with him about things he can do to get his pencil back or to accept that it's gone and no big deal. He can have another pencil.

i agree kids need to learn how to take care of themselves but dsont tell him hes a man. hes not a man hes eight. please dont have him start associating his failures now as failing as a man.

I think I would have been a little more sympatheitc to my son. I believe it is wrong to make boys feel bad about their emotions.....that is why we have so many men that cannot communicate with us. They have been told it is wrong for a man to cry or show any emotion. Your son came to you with an honest feeling and you made him feel like this was not justified. In fact, it was justified because someone was bullying him (yes-very much a case of bullying to play keep away) and he was upset about it. You can make him a better "future man" by telling him that it is OK to feel bad and that the other kid was wrong. And then tell him to look the other kid in the eye and say that he wants his pencil back now and he will ask the teacher to help him get it back if he has too. OR just grab it right out of the boys hand.

Did you want your son to use violence to get his pencil back?
Or to persuade his classmate using his vocabulary?
I think it may be premature to tell an 8-year-old that he is a man.
Was this Sunday School?
If so, perhaps a teacher should have presented a lesson
on Thou Shall Not Steal.

He was in TEARS when he came home? And that was your reaction?

I have an almost 8 yo boy and I think you've got a few years before his "manly" handling of things begin.

He is not a man he is a child who got bullied. Its your job as a mom to teach him on how to deal with this. If he is being bullied an 8 year old is not equipped to know what to do. Teach him and next time he will know what to do. I would also get the teach involved is case this is not the first time.

He's 8 years old. He is very likely being bullied. This calls for parental interference. He does not know what bullying is. A kid who takes his pencil and does not give it back is pushing him into a corner. Go see his teacher and find out what she has seen.
Ask your son if that boy has bothered other children or if he has been cruel to your son in other ways.
Take your son to Karate class so he can learn how to defend himself when need be. It'll also give him inner discipline.

I like the idea of letting my children work out their problems and disagreements but need to help them with the tools to do so. You do not need to go to the school and talk to the kid about taking the pencil but you do need to give your son some ideas on how to handle the situation.

I wouldn't tell him to go push the kid over and take the pencil back, that would get him in trouble. You can however let him know what you would do in that situation to get your pencil back. Be sure to let him know that crying and reacting in front of this kid will only make the kid tease and taunt him more. This is a trait both boys and girls need to learn. Nasty little kids are always looking for the kid that will react to their nastiness, sticking up for yourself doesn't need to be male or female it needs to be learned by all kids.

In short, if you want you son to grow to be a strong man then give him some tools to work with. He does not have life experience to know how to handle conflict, in fact, he doesn't even know what it means to be a "man", he's only 8!

Good luck!

I don't know how to solve this, but perhaps understing he was upset, and practicing with him what to do about the situation, both for what he can do when he is back in the classroom, and in future if it happens again so he's prepared to deal with this type of situation. Has this ever happened before? It just made me think - I don't think it's fair that we as adults expect kids to innately know how to deal with situations for the first time - we've been around the block and most of US don't like confrontations. How must a kid feel?

I hate to say this, but I hate the phrase "be a man" or "you're a man" when used with young boys. I have a 3.5 year old boy who I am planning to raise into a strong young man, but he's NOT one yet and he won't be until he's a man. To me, it just avoids the problems boys have, shuts them down, doesn't let them learn to deal with the emotions of the situation and figure out how to solve the problem. Then when they ARE men, we women get upset because they can't communicate with us, don't share, etc. Well, they're "being a man" like we told them to.

You won't raise a weak man by understanding him, helping him understand himself, and teaching him how to deal with situations with confidence. He's still learning.

Basically he got bullied. If he tried to fight for the pencil one of them could have gotten hurt.
Chances are the pencil stealer is now going to do something else... he's feeling out your son to see how weak he is.
With my sons, their dad always wrestled with thema and always played rough with them. I'd hafta walk away sometimes, but he was teaching them how to be strong and stick up for themselves. If someone would have snagged a pencil from either of my sons they would have either snagged it straight back or would have said "whoo hoo you got a pencil, big whup" and moved on.
Dad's play an intricate role. Mom's can create sissy boys sometimes. I was a tomboy growing up so I played pretty rough with my boys. I taught them sensitivity but they didnt wear their feelings on their sleeves either....
I'd buy another box of pencils and tell your son that the other boy probably needed it more than he did or he was jealous because it was a "special" pencil and his parents didnt get him one and that he's a rude kid that has no manners and you are proud of him that he wouldnt steal from someone else because he knows it's not nice. Tell him a pencil is not something worth crying over tho, he's crying from being thieved and not knowing how to react to it...... so that is the skill he needs you to teach him. What would you do if someone took your pencil?

When my kids have anything like this happen at school, I ask if they told anyone. If not, then I tell them they should. But not in a whining way. My daughter had a child in her 3rd grade class that would walk over and take her crayons, pencils, sharpener, eraser, etc. This girl would not give it back no matter how many times my daughter would ask for it. She would say it was hers-even though I made sure everything was marked in some way with my daughters name or initials. She never told the teacher. Yes a child can stand up but if you don't teach them how, then they won't do it or will do it wrong and either get in trouble or end up not getting results. I ended up having to go to school and show the teacher how my daughter's stuff was marked. it actually turned out this girl hada bunch of kids' stuff at school and home. You have to teach your child how to take care of himself. They are not adults until they reach 18 (we hope anyway) :).

I would say. Its only a pencil. While it is wrong to take ANYTHING that doesn't belong to you, we can replace pencils. It's a small loss that teaches a valuable life lesson that sometimes only life experience teaches. Some people WILL steal your things. It IS sad, so hug him, and be sympathetic, but teach him to be smart. I would tell him to be gratetful it was only a pencil, and not a favorite toy, sentimental, or valuable item. Personally, I would make sure he had plenty of new pencils to take back to school. My daughter cried about this one day after school too. We had a conversation about her not taking any "special" pencils, or special things to school because there is ALWAYS a risk of things getting lost or stolen, especially small things. We sent my daughter to school with the boring yellow regular pencils, LOTS of them. She could share them freely, replace them easily. Special sparkly pencils are kept at home, as she would get too upset if they were taken or lost.

I think the hardest part of a child's becoming confident is that the confidence has to be learned through the filter of the child's own personality. Some children have fearfulness and hesitation in their wiring, so to speak; some are pretty self-reliant but just can't think fast; you can take it from there. You may need to recognize what sort of basic "wiring" your boy has, and how to work with it.

As to what you said... well, there's, "Don't cry! You can deal with this problem by yourself and I couldn't care less about it," and there's, "Don't cry! You can deal with this problem and I'll watch your back." I don't know which one your son heard from you.

Confidence is a good thing for children to have. It usually comes from their being confident in their parents before they become confident in their own abilities. So you want him to know that you're there for him as he learns to think and act on his own.

Maybe next time you can say, "It's a shame your classmate did that. What do you think you should do about it?" as a starter. But you will have to have done some thinking on your own, because he may need help coming up with options other than (a) running to Mama or (b) beating up the classmate! That's where you act as teacher.

By the way, if this classmate happens to be a full-fledged bully, your son may need to learn how to defend himself (and possibly others).

make him deal with it on his own. but give him suggestions on how to handle it.

Hi L., I get that you don't want your son to cry about little things (I am the same way about my super sensitive older son) but since he's so young, he would really benefit from you helping him to figure out a solution, rather than just saying 'don't cry'...b/c he doesn't know the ALTERNATIVE so you ought to help him get there. Something like "wow, that's no fun...I"m sorry that happened to you. What do you think you might do next time, if that happens? (then work out a solution)..." and "I know you are upset, but let's try to find a way to calm down and find a solution...I love you buddy, I know you are upset"...etc etc. Good luck with your sweet boy, I have two of 'em, same age as you, and it's definitely a learning curve!

Hello, I'm sorry, but your son is not a man, he is an 8 year old boy. I know someone who has told both of their sons to not cry and that they are "a man" since they were little. Why is it such a bad thing for a little boy (or girl for that matter) to cry. Hurt and pain are true feelings. Do you want to make him insensitive? That is what is going to happen if he isn't able to express his feelings. He has the rest of his life to be "a man". Right now, it is your job to help him to explore and express his feelings in a positive way. I always taught my kids and grandkids to "use their words". When I worked in education, I told the kids to make sure they told an adult when there was a problem and if that adult didn't listen, to tell another one and another one until they found an adult who would listen.
Good luck with your precious little boy.
K. K.

I would never tell my child to "deal with it on his own". As a mother, it is my role to guide, support, love, nurture and teach. I understand wanting to help your son become self sufficient but this was not the way to do it.
Think about it, if an adult girlfriend of yours came to you with a problem would you tell her to "deal with it on your own". I doubt it. You would probably listen, comment, support, advise.....
Why would you want to do this to your developing child?

I would tell your son that you made a mistake by telling him to deal with it on his own and then guide him through this problem...

he's still a kid, you as his parent still need to guide him as to what he should have done. not tell him to handle it himself. he has no idea how to handle it himself or he would have gotten his pencil back and wouldn't have come home in tears. what you should have said was next time go and tell your teacher or something to that effect. now if he handles it in a different manner like punch the little boy then you can't get mad at him because you told him to handle it himself!

Personally, I would want him to tell me his problem then kind of let his feelings shared with you before you just said to deal with the problem by himself. It is because eventually he still needs to deal with the problem by himself at school. But, you want him to share with you or ask for guidence when he has problems in the future as well. Your guidence and comfort are what he needs.

Hi L., I agree you want your boy to grow up to be a strong independent man in the future and crying over a pencil was probably unnecessary. However, everyone cries, even a "strong man" women love men who are not afraid to show their emotions at the appropriate times (no, losing a pencil is not one of them).

We as parents need to help our children grow into powerful adults. Adults who know their feelings, know their limits and more importantly know themselves. Talk to your son about the pencil incident. Was it really all about the pencil or is there more going on? Had this other child been doing more to him then just taking his pencil?

Sure if it is about a pencil, he should deal with it (with strong skills that you have taught him - ask for it back - let it go if it's not important etc.) But it's up to you as a parent to find out if the pencil was really just about the pencil.

B.
Family Success Coach

Possibly a little strong, however right. Maybe you can find a moment to tell him that we have to choose our battles and while it is wrong of the other child to take his belongings, it is a pencil which can be replaced. Help him to understand that people will take things if you allow them to and that may mean that he keep his belongings at home or to himself. Along with this, he has to determine what is worth the fight and what is easy enough to walk away from.

I think you are right. One thing you can do is to help your son understand the difference between big and small problems. Big problems are ones where someone or something is making him feel threatened and unsafe... these are the problems he should bring to you. Small problems are things like name calling, exclusion and the experience of having his pencil taken. He may not like it but he is not about to be harmed by it. Help him to understand the difference, and give him support as he brainstorms for possible solutions to this problem. Then help him to choose on solution and try it. If it doesn't work, try something else until he finds something that does work. Explain that his tears only give his tormenter power over him and that is what the other child wants. I don't know where you are , but you might try to google Kelso's Choices... it's a good program and gives kids alternatives when they are facing challenges...Even though it is hard, I do think you made the right choice... kids who learn to solve small problems are seldom at the mercy of others in the classroom or on the yard. I have been teaching junior children for 21 years and know that this program works. Good luck

While your desire to develop a strong child who can solve problems on his own is a good one, the method of getting there has to be age appropriate. At 8 years old they simply don't have the mental development to sort things through on their own.

Did you know they say that the part of the brain that handles prioritizing, decision making, and problem solving is not fully developed until around 25 years old? That's why so many college students still seem to need help from parents to make relatively simple decisions.

So by all means, teach your son to know what's worth making an issue of and what's not, and give him some practical suggestions on HOW he could handle this on his own. Things he could say or do. And please be careful not to downplay the show of emotions. Every healthy adult, man or woman, needs to not be afraid to show emotion.

I personally think it's your JOB to help him when he needs advice. He's not a man, he's a boy and he needs guidance. You should be happy he came to you for help. I work on the playground at an elementary school so I hear it all. She poked me, called me names, won't stop following me, etc etc etc. Eventually you learn what's ok to ignore and what's not, but that's when you're dealing with hundreds of children. He's your son.