Am I Crazy? - Cumming, GA

Both play, both pay, sorry to sound so rude, but if you both work, 50-50, this is 2009. Men got off very easy back in the days!!!

Wanting everyone to be happy may not be possible if he's not happy to help the baby. You may be unhappy, but the baby will be happy. You may need to get a sitter so you can take a nap.

He will pay one way or the other, for a sitter, or get up or you'll crack up like a good friend of mine and end up in Ridgeview so sleep deprived that dad had to pay for a full time nanny for several months. Getting up or a sitter would have been a lot cheaper and less frightening for everyone.

Whether you are working at home or going out to work every morning, raising children is a job by itself. He should rotate the responsibilities of the children, household duties, and cooking.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading these responses and wish I'd had some of this advice when I was married with a newborn!

Taking care of 2 children 24/7 is NOT your "womanly duty". If any woman thinks so, well, that's her problem; in my opinion, she's not Super Mom, she's just stupid. I don't mean to offend anyone, but that attitude is what keeps ALL women from getting even BASIC human rights in this world and that really just pisses me off!

Whew! I needed to get that off my chest!

If your baby gets up 4 times in the night, that's only 2 times either of you have to get up. I'm sorry but getting up a few times a night is NOT going to make your husband too sleepy to work, and if he loses his job than he's a lousy employee. Period.

I know I sound bitter, but that's only because I am. I, too, had your husband, and the bitterness just builds and builds until it affects your marriage. Don't let that happen!

I agree that you need to sit down with your DH and discuss it with him in a very nice way. State your concerns, firmly but tactfully. Listen fully to his response, then repeat back to him what he just said without adding interpretation ("So what you're saying is..."). This way he knows you've heard him. Make sure he understands that you're feeling very bitter about this situation and it's starting to affect your marriage. Then make reasonable suggestions for discussion.

I loved the idea of breaking up the night into 2 shifts. That way both of you get a good long stretch of uninterrupted sleep. I wish I'd thought of that with my ex.
Also, "suggest" (translation: demand nicely) that he have equal housekeeping and childcare duties on the weekend. I like the idea of getting a housekeeper occasionally, too.

If he's basically a nice, but old-fashioned guy, you should be able to work things out. If he flat out refuses to help you raise your children, you may need a third party (therapist, counselor, preacher, family friend...)to tell him he's being a jerk in this situation. If he STILL won't help out, you may have to threaten drastic action (seperation/divorce)to get him to realize how this is affecting you.

I know these are strong words, but I've been there and I let my husband bully me into thinking he shouldn't have to help raise our son (his job was to be a playmate a couple times a week). Now he's my ex. Don't let that happen to you!

I only have one 9 week old baby and I personally feel as though the husband should be a part of night feedings. Until I went back to work which was 3 weeks ago, my husband felt the same way.. you're not working, you deal with it. Now he shares the responsibilities unless im off the next day. In your case, I would quit doing all the chores that benefit him... none of his laundry should get done, no dinner cooked, nothing that benefits him.. You need sleep too! And in my opinion being a mom and trying to run a household is far harder than any job. Or better yet, do like I did.. i refrained from having any type of sexual contact with my husband... it drove him insane.. he started cooking and cleaning and all sorts of things just so i wouldnt be 'tired"

Parental sleep is important, too. Nap when you can. Remember to sleep when the baby sleeps instead of using your baby's naptime to "get stuff done." Since you have a 4 year old, you may need him/her to try to nap at the same time. (Or at least have a "quiet time" where he/she lies down quietly, if possible. As a last ditch, you could let her play quietly in the next room, making SURE she knows not to leave the house.) I got some very inexpensive "blackout blinds" at IKEA and it can make the room very dark even if the noon sun coming straight through the windows. Babies generally sleep a total of 12 or more hours a day, so take advantage of those times. I know it's not as good as 8 solid hours. But plenty of doctors (and many other professionals) are also waking up at all hours and suffering from lack of sleep, and they're doing this for their patients, not even their own flesh & blood.
At least for moms it *does* get eventually get better.

Try to get your baby to sleep a little more at night by limiting daytime naps to a total of 3 hours or so.
Then keep the middle-of-the-night feedings as boring as possible to encourage the baby to go back to sleep. And keep the lights off! Nighttime wakings are necessary for baby and for you because they help you maintain a good milk supply. Then use every trick in the book to help them sleep. (warm bath before bedtime, gradually making the lights lower the last hour of the day, bedtime stories, massage, lullabies, a "lovey" or something she can safely cuddle, etc. And note that dad can handle ANY of those before-bed things.)

Dads need to pitch in, too, I'm not arguing that, but there are better ways than nighttime feedings. Even if your baby is 100% on formula, your husband doesn't have the flexibility to sleep late or nap in the middle of the day. Keep your room as dark as possible to encourage your baby to sleep later. (Same with the 4-year-old, if she doesn't have preschool or somewhere she has to be early - try to get her to sleep late or at least teach her to be a little self-sufficient in the morning. If she does, maybe your husband can take over more of the morning responsibilities for the 4-year-old, getting her up, dressed, preparing her breakfast & lunch & maybe even dropping her off at school on his way to work.)

The main problem with dad handling the nighttime feedings is that (1)your milk supply will tend to decrease and (2) by the time he gets up, goes downstairs, warms up a bottle, and gets back to the baby, she's WIDE awake and it will take longer to get her back to sleep. But it really is a lot easier for the mom to go to the baby (especially if she sleeps within arm's reach) and nurse her back to sleep. If you can do this lying down and catch some more Zs, so much the better. (Please make sure you do this safely, though.)

Not to mention the fact that if your husband is falling asleep at his desk, or can't perform at work, he might put on the short list for the next round of layoffs. It's a lousy time to lose a job right now.

And I'm not an old-fashioned fuddy-duddy. My husband & I both work full-time so I couldn't sleep late or take naps,
but I always handled the nighttime feedings (mostly by rolling over still half-asleep and opening my top), although I may have asked my husband to change a dirty diaper at 4am after a feeding. Mostly, he pitched in with other things.

Hope this helps.

you've gotten a lot of good advice from ppl here - the ones that indicate that you do night duty and let your husband sleep, at least during the week. the advice you've gotten to this effect i'd assume came from older, more mature mothers. as a mature mother, i can tell you that childish 'half-half' relationships don't work out. you and he will continuously go around and around, always nipping at each other, always stuck in each others craw. not conducive to a successful marriage. you have to decide for yourself if being married or being 'fair'/right is more important to you.

your husbands work CAN fire him if he doesnt' work up to their expectations. you can't be fired. you can, however, be divorced. do you want your child to live w/ you alone working or with you home and their father in the house?

if the answer is the latter, i beg you to work toward what's best for your child/you. remember, YOU GET TO STAY HOME. and it's because if your husbands job that you get ot do this. how important is that for you? if it's not that important, go get a job and send your kids to day care. then you can have 'your' time away from the kids (you'll find out it's not as much fun as you might think his job is to him), you can divide home jobs betw you guys, and you can be totally and thoroughly exhausted and not enjoy the children half as much. this is a real possibility, so decide what you want in your future. keep harping on him and you'll end up just like that.

my suggestion: just do it, with a smile, and you might be amzaingly surprised at the eventual willingness you get from your husband. you can imagine: he pushing for you to do <whatever>. the very last thing you want to do is that thing! he pushes, you push back. you push, and he's going to do the same thing.

so, i suggest you do the home job, do the cooking (together if you can interest him in it- could help give you common ground), do NOT with hold sex, and do it w/ a smile, and you may be pleasanly surprised at the change in your relationship.

good luck, tiffany. your children will thank _YOU_ most of all for the success of your marriage.

well, this is our world (not saying this in a mean manner)because I too having three children lived what you are speaking of.

I got my husband to get up during the night once a week. That's about as good as it got for me but I also breast fed so i had to pump for him to have bottles to feed the kids. Just remember this is temp situation as the baby get older you won't have to wake so much when on solid foods. It does get better being a mother is the hardest job that's why women have to do it.

Ask him if he could help one night every week and if he's off during the day sometimes if you can have an afternoon off while he watches the kids say 4-5 hrs and get some rest for yourself. Also see if you can trade with another mom once a week an afternoon watching kids so you'd have another day every other week to yourself with some rest.
Just some thoughts to see if you can work something out on getting times and rest for yourself. Also remind your hubby that you need to stay well to care for everyone and to do that helps all.

Hi Tiffany,
Ah, the stuff that marrigaes are made of :). The way most of the couples that end up being happier and healthier work it is when they can divide so that everyone can get some sleep and time at some point.

Here is example, Mom gets up during the night (many men cannot hack it), Dad gets up at the latest feeding or early morning duties (around the 5 AM mark). He will either do that baby feeding if possible (if you are nursing, he brings her, takes her to burp when done and gets her back to sleep), then takes care of waking and breakfeast activity for the 4 year old. Then as he leaves for work, you get up and take over. It is very important that you figure out a way to get a 30 minute at least nap. If that means 4 year establishes a 30 minute rest (if they do not nap) in their room, do that. You may have to sit up in a chair in the living room with your eyes closed, but you have to for sanity (imho).

Both partners will have to sacrifice, but I have learned with my husband, he is a bigger grump if he spends 2 seconds in the middle of hte night, but if he takes all late night or early morning, we both get more contiguous sleep and he is so much more cooperative.

Also, the transition of leaving work is tough! Not because it is bad (it is great once you are settled), but it leaves both partners establishing new territory and leaves the at home parent a little insecure. Just know that, know that you are doing this to do what you think is best for the kids and for you. Try to get a babysitter one night a week if at all possible. It is amazing what 1-2 hours of time together can do for your marriage.

Good luck, J.

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have a 5 month old and a 3 year old, but my husband and I both work full time. He never gets up with the baby or the 3 year old in the middle of the night. What we've done is this: I would go to bed early and pump before I went to bed. He stayed up late and gave the baby his "midnight" feeding and had the monitors for both children so that I could get some sleep. When he came to bed, he brought the monitors into the room and then it was my turn to be on "mommy duty". That allowed me to get 4-5 hours of sleep straight, which doesn't sound like much, but it REALLY helps when you're only getting 2 at a time. Now that he is 5 months, we are really lucky in that he sleeps through the night (most of the time), so neither of us have to get up. Good luck!

No, you are not crazy. My viewpoint would be that having two would entitle you MORE to help during the night. Taking care of 2 all day is exhausting and some quality sleep during the night is essential for staying sane.

I am a SAHM, and my husband and I have the agreement that during the workday, our son is my job. During the evening and on weekends, we split responsibility. That being said, if he gets up once during the night, I usually take care of it. When he was a baby and was up several times, one of us would take the "early" shift (11pm-3am), and the other would take the "late" shift of 3am+, so we both got a good stretch of sleep.

Good luck!

No, you're not crazy. Your job is just as important as his job. You work hard. I've worked jobs, I've had a career (a PhD), and raising children is the hardest job I've ever done. And the most important. You need sleep to be the best mom you can be. Your husband should share all the chores when he's home. Why should you work 24/7 and he gets to relax when he's not working. Ideally, he should want to bond and care for his child. He may regret it later if he doesn't. And you should have a break from childcare after he gets home from his job. Maybe give him 30 minutes to decompress and then the should take the child for an hour or more. You should have set time that you can depend on to relax a little. You'll be a better mom and home CEO if you do. And you'll be a better partner for your husband. Good luck and lots of energy to you!

I have 2 points. First if you were breastfeeding as I am you wouldn't have a choice. I think that is the way nature planned it. Mom is the caregiver especially in the middle of the night when the baby needs nurturing the most. Second this will pass. Soon your child will be older and sleeping through the night. Good luck.

No you are not crazy! I have 21 month old twins (boy & girl) and 3 other children. I am a working mother but after I had the twins mommy & daddy shared everything even when I was home the first 4 months after they were born. It's no particular parents job. He works in the evening but if he saw I was tired he would take over during the day before he went to work because he knew that I would do the same for him. It took 2 of you to make the baby so it's going to take 2 of you to raise the baby. He keeps the twins during the day while I work 8-5 and then I take over when I get home. Lots of men are so surprised that he does this but we are a family and this is how families operate. Just because you aren't leaving your home to work does not mean you don't have a full time job. Your job is 24 hours a day. You never get to quit & it should be the same for daddy. I can't tell you how to handle this because it depends on what type of man he is. Some men just think its not their responsibility but it definately is. Helping care for an infant is the only way for a parent to be a part of the child's life. Good Luck & God Bless You!

My husband and I split the weekday and weekend duties. I got up with the babies all during the week. But on the weekend....it was ALL on him! Lovely, lovely sleep!

Good luck!

I try to let my husband sleep at night as much as possible because he does have to be at work all day and I can usually find a few minutes to rest during the day. However, new moms do need help at night and sometimes the lack of sleep can be debilitating. I would choose a nonconfrontational time to sit down and talk to your husband. I'm sure you both want to help eachother and can come to an agreement on what would work best for both of you.

I breastfed both of mine so I was up with them every time they were up. I don't see what the problem is. Being tired is apart of having a new baby.

Yeah unfortunately this is a issue in the women's world. Men tend to forget that we didn't get pregnant on our own-we had some help and at the time they didn't mind it so much now did they? Well in my opinion since they helped getting the woman pregnant they can help raise the baby. As my mom once said too "Men like a makin em, but they sure don't like a raisen em". HOGWASH!
I was pregnant with Twins and when I was on my 12 week maternity leave because I was at home ALL day he said to me that he has to work and I don't. This was a constant battle and I tried the whole taking the babies in the bed and feeding, talking loud, and letting them scream a little extra so his butt would get up and help but it didn't work because my hubby could literally sleep through a tornado (must be nice).
Anyways I call it selfishness personally and I don't think it's really fair and cannot really offer any advice because I lost that battle. I even had to get up during the night like that with two babies by myself throwing up sick as a dog and he STILL wouldn't offer his help. It became a very nasty battle and I eventually just gave up and then began to get very bitter towards the hubby. I eventually left him when they were about two and I take FULL credit for raising those two precious girls for the first two years of their life. When I left my hubby and filed for divorce - he got the hint or point I guess that I was serious-he was going to lose his family.
We are still together and still trying to work out issues because I still feel like he has a lot of growing up to do but overall compared to how he was in the beginning to now is better but not there yet. However the twins are now 6 years old and a lot more independent-seems I did the hardest part but at least I have his help now for the most part even if it's as little as it is but he also works 60 hours a week and I only work part-time now but I still expect "help". Good luck I understand how frustrating it is but just remember it's not the baby's fault and this too shall pass and you will get your good night's rest back soon. Then it will seem as if this complaint was ages and ages ago.

I feel your pain! I was in the same situation when my daughter was a baby and I let it go on waaay too long. Finally, I demanded that my husband do half the nighttime duties. It still never came out equal, but I at least got a little more sleep. He tends to stay up late and I go to bed early, so we ended up splitting the night--he took the 8pm-1am shift and I took the 1-6am shift. Start napping when he gets home from work if he won't get up at night--he might rather help at night than be left with two grumpy kids at dinnertime! Good luck!

Let me assure you that if I were the one getting up every single time and I were that tired, if I am not sleeping, he would not be either. I'd march a brass band through the bedroom before I'd let it slide when he just went back to sleep.

You are not crazy! I have a 4 month old and a 3.5 yr old. Here's where I draw the line. . .
This Is my job during the hours he works but it's our job when he's not at his job. That means late night feeding and crying all poopie diapers putting kids to bed cleaning up making dinner. Any household stuff that happens after. I'll be honest it doesn't usually work out 50:50. I do more but it gets us closer. Plus my job (SHM) is more phisically, mentally, and auditorially taxing than his. I don't know about your husband but mine has a desk job. So sometimes I tell him especially with a newborn he has to do more than 50 so I can recooperate from this crazy job. So I can start all over again. You can't survive on a few hours sleep. You just phisically can't. You need to do something now before your body braksdown and he has to do everything. I often threaten we'll need a babysitter to give me a break in the day. If he doesn't want to pay he needs to help more. Giving another solution helps hm choose rather than say no. Stand firm. Find your own line and draw it. You'll have fights but it will get better. Otherwise you give him the idea this behavior is okay and it will be harder to stop the longer you wait.
That's my soapbox. Goodluck whatever you do and get some sleep!

Do you have a home business that you are running from home? If not, you probably need to schedule your day alittle better to get a nap when the baby naps. Baby should start sleeping all night soon. It is a ruthless world out there in the work environment and hubby does need to be bright and energetic to keep his job. When my husband was the only breadwinner when our 2nd was born I tried to be sure he got enough sleep although I know her waking in the night did disturb his rest. He worked long hours where I could stay home the first year and I still appreciate what he did for our family even though he did not have as much family time. V.

When me and my husband first started dating we said that everything would be 50/50. Eight years and three kids later we have held true to that. Yes, while I was on maternity leave I did wake up with the baby but when I went back to work we took turns every night. With our third child I became a SAHM ( 3 in daycare is pointless of working!) and I did get up more with him but in return my husband would let me sleep in, my husband is also a firefighter so he is gone for a full 24hrs at a time. Try talking to him and letting him know that you need some extra rest for your sanity and for his too. If mama ain't happy then no one is! Leave him with the kids for a full day and see how he feels afterward, the kids may be fine but I bet the house will be a wreck then maybe he will understand that yes, you do work too!

I have a slightly different opinion...

My husband and I had the understanding long before we had children that I would stay at home and that we would do what we needed to do to help his career. This included two cross country moves in the last three years. Now that we have a baby I have taken the responsibility to get up with him at night. At the risk of sounding old fashioned I believe it's true that behind every successful man is a great woman. His job is very stressful and being the sole breadwinner comes with a lot of pressure, especially in today's economy. My husband is out the door by 7 and he works on average until 8 or 9 and then sometimes from home so he can continue to advance his career for his family. I understand the feelings of complete exhaustion but I have found that if I really need his help the best way to get it is to communicate to your husband exactly how you feel, and not in a passive aggressive or combative way. I started working from home doing some consulting (I have my MBA) and I had started to get a little overwhelmed. I told my husband that I was exhausted and while I appreciate how hard he works for us I need some time on the weekends to do some work and have some me-time. It was truly coming from my heart and I wasn't "nagging" him. (I hate that word.) He was very receptive and now makes sure that I get a little time for me. And really, just a little time makes a big difference. I think what really gets me through it all is my baby's smiles when he sees me and my husband thanking me for taking such good care of our baby. Sometimes you just need to feel appreciated. I don't think dads can understand how demanding our jobs are, but I also think we need to remember how hard they work, too. They can't go to work and be exhausted all day... our children don't know when we talk nonsense... but on the weekends all bets are off! :)

Good luck Tiffiny, I hope you and your husband can find a solution that works for you and your family.

P.S. I found out that my husband was feeling like he couldn't console our baby like I could, especially since I breastfeed. I'm so glad we were able to communicate and I found this out. I think we've overcome this with some pumping and daddy time. Now my baby lights up when Daddy comes home... and my husband can't resist that!

Some people responding to this will have a more traditional opinion. I don't. Your husband needs to do his fair share. Although you will probably never realistically be able to have a 50/50 split of child duties, try to work toward that goal. It's just as important that YOU are alert and aware during your "day job" because the life and safety of your child depends on it -- especially when he/she is a toddler and can get into things. Don't dismiss the idea of having help 1 day a week to get things done or even catch a nap. You deserve it and it will be the best money you ever spent. You are not a robot who can go on like this endlessly. Good luck.

You're not crazy, just sleep deprived.
As someone else suggested, how about you get up during the week and he does it on weekend nights? Yes, you need sleep to be a good mom. But your level of work can suffer a lot (for example, the housework can take a backseat, as long as the kids are safe and there are no dangers/hazards for them) and you will not get fired! Not so for him - if he shows up for work tired or can't perform well, he could lose his job, and in this economy, it can be tough to find another one. Yes, of course taking care of the kids & house is a job, but your risk of getting laid off isn't quite the same. Not that his job is more important than yours, but that the risks are different. And of course if you don't do your job well, the kids are in danger, but as long as you keep them safe, you (and they) are ok.
And since your husband has a job where he is getting paid, perhaps you could take some of that money and get a "baby nurse" for a few nights just to give you a break once in a while.

No u are not crazy. It is also your husband's responsibilily
to help with the baby eventhough he has a job being a stay at home mom is a job also. I know!

Argh -- it's just as important that you get enought sleep! He's being selfish -- whether he's doing it "on purpose" or not.

Try just telling him that mothering is MORE stressful than work and you MUST have more sleep than you're getting. If he won't listen to you, print out all the responses I'm sure you're going to be getting on here and show him that you are soooo not the only one who says so.

Men are kind dummies sometimes. Most of them aren't trying to be jerks -- they just really don't know...

Your husband sounds like mine and probably most men. I think you have to focus on - as some of your respondents remarked - that this situation is temporary and your infant will be sleeping through the night soon. This too shall pass. Be grateful that your husband has a job - so many right here in our neighborhood are out of work and that's scary when you have a family to support and the jobs out there are not to be found. My husband never got up with our daughter and I knew nagging would be unproductive and also I was grateful that he had a good job and took care of us and I got to stay home and didn't have to work. I thought caring for an infant full time was hard but compared to the teen years and what you may have to deal with then - getting up at night is not a big deal. Good luck.

No, you are not crazy! I don't know what it is about some men, including mine. They don't see that you do have a job, a difficult one, and one that is 24/7 around the clock with no breaks and no sleep! This is definately a test of the strength of your marriage. My husband and I barely made it through those first 5 months when it was the toughest. I was so angry at him for never waking up to help with the baby, so angry for never thinking that he had to help at all. He always had the excuse, "I have to work!" not realizing that I was working, too. Eventually, he came to realize how hard a mother's job is when he had to babysit for a few hours when I started back to work part-time. Yet, we still argued about the same issues again and again, until one day, I think after about the 6-7 month mark, he finally just "woke up". Maybe because I'd pretty much stopped talking to him and slept in the baby's room every night. And, yes, his laundry had piled up along with the dishes and the dust. By that time, I was working full-time and still got no help from the husband. I don't know what to tell you. Try writing him a letter so that he'll listen. Talk to your mother and his mother to see if they can talk some understanding into him. Ask family members and friends for help. Don't be ashamed of a messy house or having to ask for help. Any mother will understand!

Best of luck to you! I feel your pain! Hope it gets better soon!