? For Stay @ Home Moms

So I am in the same boat as you. My husband works for a car dealership and is working quite a bit. But then comes his days off and he just thinks "hey, it's my day off, I shouldn't have to do anything" I try to tell him that I haven't had a day off for 5 1/2 months now, I mean there is nothing I love more than being a stay at home mom, but we need breaks too. I really don't have any great advice, because nothing I have done or said to my hubby seems to work, but just wanted you to know you are not alone in this one.

L. K

helping,yes i believe so...50-50 isn't that what marriage and parenthood is about???? i believe so...My hubby works and does laundry, and vacuumes...my son cleans the bathroom and garbage..i do dishes , cooking and all other needs...this way everyone is happy. including me..i'm an artist and now have time to paint to sell the artwork. it's a win win situation here..try and make suggestions.

Don't feel alone in this.
My husband is the same way.
He thinks I should do it all, I am also a SAHM with 3 boys.

Hi C.. I'm also at SAHM and I also babysit during the week. I do all the house work on top of babysitting 4 children and taking care of our 2 children. We made an agreement when I decided to stay home that I would take care of the chores. However when he is home he does have to share the duties when it comes to taking care of our children. If I'm doing a chore or tending to one of the children I babysit for he gets our children what then need, ie: a drink or something to eat, help with homework, etc. In addition he also understands that it can be overwhelming at times and I can just ask him if he could help me put laundry away or something like that. The way I see it is, I would rather work my tail off to be at home with my children than to work outside of the home. I also found that when I did work out side of the home, I was still doing the same chores. I guess it just depends on what you want. I'm okay with my husband not doing that much. Hope this helps. Jen

Hi C.

I can definitely undertand your frustration. I am a SAHM of 2 young girls and before I moved to Ohio I did in home daycare for 3 additional children. My husband went through that phase of all the house work being "MY JOB" so.... I left him home for one whole day with our kids and a schedule of my day, the cleaning, laundry, cooking, dance class, potty training, etc. Well that was a great idea because he realized that "MY JOB" was definitely harder than his. He ended up praising me for the work I do and now even though he works two jobs outside our home he understands that what I do is work too and he helps out alot around the house. My husband works from 8am-11pm five days a week, so if he can manage it, your husband has plenty of time to help.

In order to maybe put it in poerspective, my husband is home all day with our 4 yo son while I work 40+ hours. I get up early, do a load of laundry, unload the dishwaher, and tidy up. Then when I get home after 8+hours, the house is trashed, my son hasn't eaten or been engaged enough to suit me, and the laundry I put in before work is still in the washer! I feel like I work two full-time jobs, or aer expected to. My husband has it easy. He wears what he wants, he has no one telling him what to do or how to do it, he can enjoy my son's company during the day. Still, I give him the weekends to be off duty, even though at times I wonder when it will be my turn to have "me" time.

Try not doing the cleaning and stuff a couple days and then tell him you worked until 3:30 also and everything else you didn't get done you "left at the office". I would start with not doing his laundry. When he runs out of underwear he'll start to help...or go naked.
My husband helps but always has. I worry about the basics. I do laundry and straighten the kitchen daily. Other than that, I do it when I get a chance. It maybe this week it may be next. Or, it may be that I run a rag over surfaces when someone is coming over and just shut the bedroom door. I am less stressed and happiness is more important to me than spotless.

C.:

It looks like you have a lot to deal with. I am not a SAHM, but I feel like I understand men pretty well and my opinion is that if your husband doesn't help now, he wouldn't help if you got a job. Some men just don't have it in their DNA to help out around the house. Did your husband's mom do everything for him? A lot of time, if they were raised with a mom that did everything for them and didn't teach him that it would someday be his responsibility, then they just expect their wife to do it.

I am not sure what your financial situation is, but have you ever thought about getting a cleaning person for a couple hours every couple weeks? It may be a lot cheaper than you think. Remember, you are saving yourself a ton of money in childcare by staying at home. I pay $150 a week for childcare for my son and they don't come over and clean my house. You shouldn't be expected to keep a clean house and take care of your children all day.

I am really struggling with keeping my house clean too after having my 22 month old. My husband and I both work over 40 hours a week and I am very lucky that my husband helps a lot around the house (laundry, cooking, cleaning floors), but the house is still not up to my standards. However, I also don't want to be one of those people who is always cleaning and misses my kid's childhood. Anyway, I am trying to talk my husband into a cleaning person since we can afford it.

Anyway, good luck. This is a tough time for you. I wouldn't nag him. That will just make it tougher for you in my opinion. I am sure he is a great husband otherwise.

Other than talking with him, you can not make him help. If you are going to have to do it all, maybe you should find a system that will help you. Try visiting www.flylady.com. It is a great approach to handling housework a little at a time.

Also - find yourself a babysitter that can help you out. Find someone that can even just play with the kids while you treat yourself to a long hot shower!

Hello, I am also a SAHM, and have been home for three years after leaving my job. My husband works different shifts, but still helps me with our two girls (ages 2 3/4 and 5 months). At first, he did take the attitude that all the child care and housework was my job, but after being put in a position where he had to care for our oldest on his own, (I had an appointment) he changed his attitude. I even overheard him on the phone tell his father that he would never accuse me of having it easy here at home! Maybe your husband needs to do your "job" for one 24 hour period just to see how difficult it can be. You really are on call 24 hours per day, seven days per week. Hope this helps! T.

My husband helps out when he comes home. There is no way that I will do everything. I do a little more than him even when he is home because he has online classes. But he does help out when he's not working or doing school.

sounds like we're in the same boat! my boyfriend and me have two children and i work two days during the week at one job and do in-home spas in other peoples homes two or three times a week and EVERYTHING for the kids and house keeping. he works second shift, m-f, and feels that since i "stay home" its my job to do the house work, ect. i think he feels he is supporting our family finacially and is putting in his share. i think he feels that i do my share by doing everything around home. i cant say i agree and i do wish that he'd help, so, instead of doing it all on my own, i simply explained to him how overwhelming it is for me and asked him to do two things a week to help out, it has made a huge difference. hope this helps you too.

I to am a SAHM!! My husband was doing the same thing to me, then one weekend, I didn't do anything. I sat on the couch and played with the kids all weekend, and let the clutter and mess pile up. When he finally asked what was going on, I replied I work 24 hours a week 7 days a week and haven't had a day off since the baby was born...I needed a vacation. He got the hint and helps...a little!!!! Baby steps. I firmly believe that this is my job, but I also believe he can help with the little things like dishes and putting laundry away. Every little bit helps!!!!!!!!

Girl, I know how you feel. My fiance is the same way. Im a Stay at home mom, and when he gets off he comes home and does NOTHING. He wont even change the babies diaper. He said he has done his work shift, and that this is mine. We argue about it all the time, beccause I feel the same way....my work shift is NEVER ending. Im with him all day and all night....if hes up with an ear infection...Im up with him all night, then the next morning we get up and go to the doctor. I also thought about getting a part time job, just so we could share the responsibilites. But then agian, I do the love the close one on one time I get with my son.... and in the end, he will see who is always there for him. Yes dad is the main money provider, but when he gets home, and decided he doesnt want to spend time with him, thats dad's fault not mine. Hope this helped...let me know!

my soon to be husband does the samething but he is slowing getting out of it

Yes, your husband should be helping, whether or not you stay home. If he wants to get technical, when he gets home, you should be "off" work. Of course that is in fantasy land, a mom is never off duty, and we are always compelled to be doing something for someone even when we have help. You need to really sit and talk to him about him doing his share around the house. Also remind him that you staying home is saving money, so in reality that is like at least $125 contribution you may to the household on top of whatever else you contribute from your nannying and whatever else, so it's not like you don't "work" at all even through a man's eyes. My ex had his own landscape company and worked sometimes sixty hours, but he always straightened up before leaving in the morning, when he came home and did dishes, did ALL the yard work, vacuumed when he could and did laundry. Granted when it came to being up with the baby all night and doing all the other motherly duties I was basically on my own, but at least he contributed something and still took care of the finances. Plus, I stayed home during the day three days, had class two days and worked part-time evenings.

Hello C.,

I to am a SAHM but I also run a daycare out of my home. I can relate to your situation and want to say it is all about communication. With men you have to go about it in a different way. They just sometimes don't get it. I have to remind my husband at times that I feel taken for granted and need help. It is all about keeping the lines of communication open. For now while my husband works and also is working on our home outside I take on most of the inside. But when he is home and nothing to do I have him help me. I let him know what I need done and ask for help. I am sure you have heard this before it is almost like having another child.. lol. Men at times are oblivious to our needs. That is why we need to tell them. Another great idea is take some time for yourself. Let him know you need a break and he will have to take care of the kids while you are gone. I know with me and friends , we need a ladies night out. The men care for the kids while us ladies go out and have a blast. It is so important that you refresh and get some time to yourself. I even go for walks by myself and feel so much better when I get home.

I totally understand your situation. My husband works extremely long hours and has told me " I have a job, I shouldn't have to do anything at home". I understand that our husbands work, but my theory is that they are still part of the family. I work part time, so my full time job is the house and kids (4). He works full time, so he should contribute part time to the housework. We have had many discussions about this and he now sees that he needs to help somewhat because it's just really hard to get it all done with kids at home. Before you decide to get a job, I would have a long talk with your husband and make sure he's willing to pick up some of the work, because if his attitude is that it isn't his "job" that won't change when you work and then it will just be one more thing for you to juggle on top of everything else. Make sure he's on board before you add something else to your life.

My husband really doesn't do anything either. He travels a lot with his job and is only home 2 days a week so I guess he's excused (not really sure) but it does make my job never ending and when he's here I have even more to do.... He only spends a few minutes with the kids and as soon as he gets up he's leaves to do whatever. only to come back and sit around and watch TV or take a nap. I to am considering a full time job but that would only mean everything would be on me....so I really don't know what to do but I am tired of being a SAHM and it does suck to not have help or to be able to look forward to the weekend for a break.

I have a 9yrs old and a 7mon old. I just started being a SAHM after having the baby. Working outside the home is easier than being a SAHM! Even though you have to clean and love your children every second your home around work, there is an added sanity value with getting a paycheck for your hard work. Having actual time away from the house without the kids or hubby wondering why you need time to yourself when you don't work, because your kids are in daycare, is good too.

My husband is wonderful about housework and always has been. But...how was he raised? My hubby's mom was at home too, but each child had responsibilites. My husband came housework/kitchen trained and actually kept his place cleaner than mine when we met.

We each wash our own laundry in our the house. My daughter has daily chores that include her space and her things, bedroom/bathroom, and taking care of cat. We all work on the dishes/dishwasher as things get dirty.

Your husband needs a reality check. OF COURSE your husband should be helping out!!!! Don't even feel bad or guilty for demanding he help out either. I'm also a SAHM and my husband does so much around the house to help out. We pretty much share responsibilities for everything - from cooking, to cleaning, to bathing our son, to diaper changing, to putting our son to bed, etc. And believe me, even though he helps out as much as he does, I'm STILL exhausted by the end of the day. That's because it's HARD being a SAHM. You're right, your job never ends. Some husbands just don't get that. You definitely should expect your husband to so his fair share, and if he resists, you need to get creative to "help" him figure it out on his own (like, go out of town for a couple days and have him watch your daughter and do all the things you normally do and see how he likes it. I'm guessing his attitute will change when he experiences for himself how much work you really do on a daily basis.)

Good luck and be strong!

C.,

I have to admit maybe I am spoiled...I am a SAHM during the day, and work p/t tird shift so I can be home for my son during the day. My husband (20yrs my senior) work 60+ hrs a week running a retail store. He still cleans his own bath room (toilet too) & do his own laundry. He cleans out the litter box twice a day and yard work on the weekends. I admit it may be unusual this day in age, but I don't see why other guys can't help out around the house too! Good luck!

Dear C.,
Boy, I can relate!!!
I absolutely believe your husband should be helping you at home. A SAHM is an equivelent to two full time jobs and you're also working pt as a nannie. Your husband should be happy that you are willing to stay home and care for your daughter and at the end of his day and yours you should be sharing the work load until it is bedtime. I am a SAHM as well and was in a similar situation you are currently in but after I explained to my husband how I was feeling and that I needed his help he finally came around. My husband had the same attitude your husband has but after a while I began to feel like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I've been a SAHM for 4 years now and have 2 children and by 5pm (when my husband gets off work) I need a break and if I ask him he pitches in. He cooks a lot, helps with the baths, takes the kids while I do something for me, etc. I definetely think you need to express how you are feeling to your husband and let him know you appreciate what he is doing for the family and that you need to feel appreciated too (and relieved of some duties). Good luck and keep up the good work!!

HI! I'm a SAHM of 4 kids. My husband has that attitude sometime. To nip it I go on strike. I know it's really mean but when he goes a few days having to wear those old nasty undies in the bottom of his drawer and socks that don't match...he cleans up his act. He realizes I can't do it all and if he doesn't give me some time to myself now and then he's going to suffer for it. I don't expect him to do any major house work but I need a little time with out kids on my legs to get things done. I don't expect to have a perfect house just a clean and sometime clutter free one. If he's complaining about a messy house he should get off his butt and help!! Just remember there is a difference between dirty and clutter. Do the best you can not to be dirty around the house and don't worry about the clutter. With kids comes clutter. Good Luck!

YES YES YES he should be helping you. My husband was the same way for about 8 monthes after my daughter was born. I decided to stay home with her. He expected me to do EVERYTHING around the house. One day he stayed home from work because he NEEDED a day off. I decided i was gonna run errands and left him with her for 6 hours. When i came home he told me he had no idea how hard it is ta take care of a baby all day. Ever since he has helped out around the house. I still do all the major cleaning and cooking. He now cleans up after dinner every night, takes out the garbage, and on the weekends he helps extra with my daughter. I have been going out every other weekend by myself while he stays home. Its been great.

YES, he should help, I bet he thinks you don't work so why don't you do it, well being a mother is the samething as working I think two full time jobs. So he should be helping why should you be his slave. I would talk to him divide the chores, my god why should you have to be up that late why he sleeps and then when you do go to bed then you get up with the baby thats not fair and he will do it as long as you let him. When my ex and I were together it was the same except I work a full time job. I stopped washing his clothes, I would stop doing anything that was for him in the end we didn't stay together so I can't tell you if it worked but you should not have to live like that, what would he do if you weren't there? Talk to him tell him you can't do it all anymore you are going to get burnned out and one day you are going to blow. Good luck!! Let me know if it works!!

Hi, when i was married, my husband not only worked a full time very stressful job, but he also woke up with our son every other night, cleaned up dinner dishes and played with our boys for the evening even if it was just for me to finish the days work. A lot of men under estimate how hard of a job it is for us moms to do all we do. My bpyfriend now seems to take the same attitude your husband has. They take for granted everything we do,. I'd suggest trading places for a week or two! He owns half the responsabilities! Stand your ground. And take a break, the work will be there for you when your done......or maybe he'll do it for a change!

My husband works full time too. I work, but less than part time. When I have to leave, he watches the baby (she's almost 6 mos) and usually he also has his step kids who are 6 and 3. Usually, I come back and the house is trashed. It sort of annoys me, but at least he will watch the kids for me. My ex husband would rarely do that. My husband also helps with certain things around the house. While he only rarely does the dishes, pick up the toys, or does laundry, he is the only one who does any yard work or any home improvement projects. I usually take the trash to the trash cans in the garage, but he usually takes it out to the street once per week. I sometimes get frustrated with him when I feel overwhelmed and he is sitting around, but usually he will help if I just ask. The problem is that I often won't ask, but just expect that he will see the mess and my frustration level. The problem is that many men don't notice unless you actually tell them.

my husband is great. he thinks its 50/50. when he gets home from work i am still at work that is how we do it

What most husbands don't realize is that even if you are a stay at home mom, you do have a job. You just don't get a paycheck but get paid in other more gratifying ways.
Being at home with your small children is the best thing you can do for them. Start small by asking your husband to do little things like give a bath, get kids ready for bed, read a story at night time. He may find that he really enjoys it and may bond better with the child. My other advice is that you make some time away from home in the evenings to go do something for yourself. Hair appointments,scrappbooking,girl's night out etc. will force him to help out more at home in the evenings. Sometimes men just need to be asked to help out,as they may not see the need until it is brought to their attention. Just make sure the way you bring it to his attention is in a loving and kind way. He will be more receptive to requests instead of demands.

This is how I explained it to my husband. "Just think of what your life would be like if you were at work ALL the time, on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and could NEVER get a break from the people you work with. That's my life." The husband doesn't help much at home but I now get a weekend to myself about once every two months when I really start to lose my mind. Good Luck.

Sweetie, I think alot of us are dealing with this. When my husband was in the army, he thought his job was alot harder than mine was. He expected the house to be spotless and dinner to be cooked at the same time not have to do anything. I think it would be great to switch jobs with them for a week. Leave them home with the kids and leave them to run the household while we go out to work and come home to a hot meal and go to bed when we want to. I think that as women its just something we have to deal with. Now that my husband is a truck driver, its a little easier because he isn't home every night so I don't feel as pressured to have the house spotless when he gets home. But I told him that being a mommy is a 24/7 365 job with no days off and no vacations. Its a thankless job what else can I say about it. Good luck to you!

A friend of mine told me something that have never been more true to tell my husband. It's not babysitting when it's your own child.

Your husband should DEFINATELY be helping. Being a mother is a full-time job. You should have your husband on a day he doesn't work experience what you have to do in a day-give him a list of chores you do, things you do with your daughter, and make him do it just for one day and leave the house. I did that with my significant other while I was finishing college and he certainly gained a healthy respect for what I did all day.

My husband doesn't do alot of things around the house either, but if I ask him to do something he will. Although sometimes it is just easier for me to do it myself. My husband and I agreed on the inside is my job except the garbage and the outside is his job. I find it easier to do all my chores in the morning so that way my afternoons and evenings are with my kids except for dinner. My husband has a funny work scedule so I really don't get much help either! He from 10:30am until 8 or 9 at night.

Hello. My name is M.. My boyfriend does the samething that you are talking about as soon as he gets home he gets on the computer. he work 11-9.I stay home most of the time with my 7 month old. She Just started sleeping though the night.I work 12 hours one week and 30 hours the next plus do all the house work and pay the babysitter. This is what I do to my boyfriend I just keep bringing stuff up until he finally does it. It doesn't sometimes work right away but he need to help me with things there is just too much I feel very overwelmed most of the time. But yes I think that you husband should be helping. I don't know if this helps you any, But I think that we are feeling kinda the same way.
M.

One thing that helps a ton is positive reinforcement! Guys need to be needed, and to know their contributions (work and home) are valued. If you always keep that in mind, continue to ask nicely for help, and praise him when he does help you, he will continue to want to help you even when he is tired or stressed. I would allow some downtime after work before asking him to dive right in, though (an hour?). I'm glad it is getting better, and I hope it continues. =)

Pat nad I arent married yet.. but he doesnt do anything either. It is my "job" to kepp up the house and the cooking , laundry, all of that. I am happy with the situation though. Once I found a system that works for me, everything went smoothly. I also work part time as a home nurse, so some days it seems like its never ending :) Make some time just for you, the time to do whatever you want or just relax is great. If you really feel that you want more help than you are going to have to tell him...lol.. men are so very "blind" when it comes to things like that :)

Hi C., My husband tried to pull that one on me. didnt work. When hes home hes helping period. Make a list of everything you do during the day leave it for him and tell him all this needs to be done everyday. Go for a weekend getaway without him let him handle everything (oh yea dont forget a few wake up calls during the night we wouldnt want him to miss out on those lovely experiences us stay at home moms do) and make sure your calling to get him and the kids up early enough so he sees how it feels and make sure there are people calling on him to interupt his days of getting everything done that he thinks he shouldnt help with. With one weekend like this he'll learn that our job is around the clock. Make sure that the following week is also your week of strike. His exhaustion and dirty laundry will get the best of him!! He'll learn its in his best interest to help out.

Hi C.,
I'm sorry you're so alone with the household duties. The answer is Yes, most definitely your husband should be helping a lot more than he is. I've worked full time, part time, and not at all during my child's first 18 months of life. So, I have a good understanding of what it takes for each party. While working full time, while my husband was home, I felt that being at work was easier than being at home. And yes, it's b/c the job at home is never ending. Full time working spouses like people to think that they should rest after a full day of work, but the truth is they're just lazy.
My husband does everything that I do at home, he even gets up in the middle of the night for my child. We share everything equally...outside work, inside work, and parenting.
I'm really sorry you're going through that. It's just not fair. Is your husband approachable on this topic? Is he receptive to your concerns? If not, there's bigger trouble.
I really feel for you b/c it's really hard to be the stay at home parent. I experienced the job by myself after my husband had surgery and couldn't pick up our son or get out of bed for a week. I can't imagine being a single mom.
K.

I was a stay at home mom for 4 years. We together have two children age of 5 and 3 yr old. Husband definitely should help out the houseworks, asking them nicely is good idea. However, they should also understand that

Don't give up just yet C.. My fiance was the same exact way with the same schedule. At first I would just give him an hour to shower and sit down and relax then I would give him the kids(we have 2)so he could spend time with them while i finish what I'm doing. I consider this helping since it's taking the kids off my hands. Then he took a day off so he can see what I did all day...I left the house. Now he helps with dinner, kids, and whatever I don't get done by the time he gets home....oh well...I'm off too. Tell him how you feel and try to work out an agreement....after all....we work 24 hours with no pay!! Hope it helps.
Cher

I was a stay at home mom for a long time. My husband changes big truck and tractor tires, so he works hard. I am now working part time as well as going to school. No matter what I do, I am always the one stuck with all the house work and everything else, i have the same problem you do and i have tried everything under the sun to get him to understand that its not easy being a mom period. My husband always tells me that his job is more PHYSICALLY demanding so he deserves his time to relax, yeah wouldnt that be nice. i even protested( if thats what you want to call it) for a week and the house smelled like the dump and looked like it too. So i have quit making him dinner and quit doing his laundry and just piled everything he left around the house in his closet. make him be resoponsible for himself. see how that works. and by the way i have a 3 year old little girl and a 2 year old little boy.

My husband feels that he works long and over time hours so that I dont have to and can take care of the baby. I can agree, but we made a deal a long time ago that I would do the house keeping, cooking etc. He also knows that my job doesnt stop, so we both take the weekends off. He shares the load on the weekends. Being a huge gamer, he likes to get home from work and play video games all night. As you know 10 min of worry free time, even if it is to do the dishes, is golden. So I set the baby up with him for daddy daughter time while I catch up. Try to set something up, he may be happy too.

You can't expect those men would help you after a long day at work. They always think you have nothing to do at home and the house works are so easy for you. They would never understand how much works that you actually have to deal with at home everyday, just like you don't know how much stress and works that they have to deal with in the office. Try to understand and talk to each other about what you have done at home or in the office. Let him know you're so tired and you're not feeling so good that night and ask him for help with the baby in a nice way, I am pretty sure he would try to help you and make you happy.
I am a SAHM with a 9 months old girl, just quited my job in NYC and moved to Ohio 5 months ago... I am still adjusting the life in here and I think to be a good wife and mom is the hardest job ever!

C.,
Yes, he should be helping out! My son, 27, works a full time factory job, including overtime, yet when he comes home he changes diapers, feeds, and plays with his 8 month old son every evening to give his wife (SAHM) a break. He loves spending time with his baby and doesn't feel that it's a chore.

Hi C.,

I'm also a SAHM with 2 children, ages 5 and 1. I have been home for about 2.5 years now and I can honestly say that being a SAHM has been much harder than ANY fulltime job I've ever had! There was a time in the beginning when I went through a bit of what you are going through with your husband. I felt it was necessary that I take care of that issue right away as I was not going to be the "maid" of the house. For us, it was a joint decision for me to be home with the kids as we felt it was the very best care that we could offer our children. My husband had no clue how hard of job being a stay home mom really was until I sat him down and explained all of what I do in a day. I even made a time log of every detail of my day so that he could truly see a day in my shoes. Seems tedious, I know, however it really opened his eyes. Sometimes men need a reminder of what our primary function as a SAHM really is and that is the nurturing of our children. IF there is time after all of the demands of our children are met, most of us try to get things done around the house but that is not always a guarantee. The things that need to be done around the house are a responsibility to you both, not one over the other. You have to work as a team. I often have to remind my husband that we don't get to walk away and take a break several times a day like they might. We don't get a drive into or out of work to reflect on our day and de-stress, we don't get bonuses, nor a salary, just the reward of watching our children grow into happy, healthy individuals. That can obviously be enough if we aren't having to stress over getting the other million things done around the house all by ourselves. Amazingly enough, my husband now helps with a bunch of the house chores and even offers to rub my back and feet a few nights a week! So, if he isn't getting it after a sit down discussion, try going away for a weekend and leaving all of the care and house duties solely up to him. He may find a new appreciation of what you do, as well as a new understanding of how necessary his help is along the way. Good luck and I hope that things get a little easier for you soon.

Hello C.,
I actually have a wonderful husband. Although I do alot of the housework while he is at work he still helps out tremendously. If it's throwing in a load of laundry or folding a load it helps alot. I most definetly think your husband should help out some. I mean just because he leaves the house to go to his job is no different than you being at the house for yours. He actually gets a break from the chaos you can sometimes have being at home all the time. I'm sure it would be nice if he could hold the fort down while you take a hot bath or a nap.

L.

Your husband should definitely be helping out. I'm also a sahm and my husband has similar hours to yours. There was a period of time where he would go up with my 3 year old to tuck her in at night and then "accidentally" fall asleep up there. I was left to finish the dishes and clean up the house before bed. If I didn't do it, it wouldn't get done. One night, I left him a not-so-nice note that I was sick of everything being left for me to do. He only got defensive.

Later that day, we talked about it, and I told him how I felt. I said that we are not being good role models for our daughter, because we are teaching her that the woman should do everything, and that the man has no household responsibilities. I told him that it seemed like his only responsibility was to go to work. I did everything else. I told him I was very hurt that he didn't see how hard it was for me. Everything has changed since that talk, and now he helps out. He is a wonderful father to our daughter, and a wonderful husband too.

Well, my husband probably feels the same way that your husband does. I am just not a good house wife, don't have all that maternal cleaning part in me. My husband is a neat freak, so he does do most of the cleaning, but he complains about it. I watch kids in our home, so during the day, I have 5 kids all under the age of 3. My 1yr old can wreck our VERY SMALL home in less then 10mins, so add another 4 kids and well..... I too like to get out w/my kids when I don't have the other kids here, so I'm not at home on the wkends to clean. My way of thinking is that I'd rather know that my kids had fun during the day then that my house is spotless......but that's just me!

I feel the same way. My husband takes out the trash once a day and thinks that he is helping. Then if we argue about something that is "my job" not being done he throws it in my face that the trash is always taken out on time. Is he kidding? Maybe we should get jobs and let them stay home. I wouldnt mind being off after 8 hours and getting to sleep a full 8 hours. He just doesnt understand that I do not get off of my job and I do not think that he ever will until he experiences it himself.

I am sorry I know this going to sound crass, but make your husband help you out. I was married for 10 years, I was a SAHM for 6 of them, and I still made my husband help out. You do have a full time job, being a mother. It's the most important job in the world. Just because he brings home the "bacon" doesn't mean his job is done. As parents our jobs never stop, we are on call 24 hours a day. Explain to him that you are overwhelmed and he needs to help out. Parenting and marriage are a two people job.

I stay at home with my two sons. though they are older,7 and 10. even when they were young my husband helped out. my husband right now works 8 hours during the day but he was working 8 hours during the night. and he still helped out. If i ask for help, he usually does. Marriage and having kids is a team effort i think. Even if you were to get a job outside the home i don't think he'd help you. He seems to be pretty comfortable in his thinking. Thinking that a wife's job is to do everything in the home, including taking care of the kids.
My husband does come home and watch tv to wind down. but he does help.

I also stay at home while my BF goes to work at two jobs. Some may say that we are home all day DOING NOTHING (lol) but being at home with a baby all day is a job in itself. I personally don't ask my BF to help because he does have two jobs but he helps out anyway. I think he should help out sometimes. You need some mommy time to. I do want to get a job just to help out finacially but me going to work now my paychecks would just go right to daycare. Keep your head up he'll see the light someday. (SOON HOPEFULLY)

That is a tough question but I will share something that happened to me a few months back so you can get an idea. I was a SAHM and felt the same my husband is a MD resident and was working all the time, when he got home he would lounge, never help, and I would take care of the baby at night. But then fate took a turn he went to a treatment center and I was left to man the home and get a job while he did what he needed to do a few hours away from home. My mother stayed with me while I worked during the day..when I got home he would basically hand him to me and I would start doing everything that I needed to do around the house. Then I started to think that I felt bad when my husband would get home and I would get mad at him for not watching the baby, because when I got home the last thing on my mind was wanting to watch the baby. I think it needs to be a compromise. If you are absolutely tired tell your hubby, but after working out of the house for a few months then going back to being a SAHM I feel that we need to chip in. Please dont take that the wrong way. I was just given the chance to be on both ends of the stick.

I work part time and stay home 2 days a week....(its a nice way to give me a break)
He should definitly be helping. I always think my husband could help out more but he does make an effort. Leaving him with the baby for long periods of time is good to get him to appreciate how much time it takes to care of the baby. My husband said he doesn't know how i stay home all day and not go crazy so that approach helped a little for me. i i know this sounds silly but I don't think the nagging approach works ( at least it doesn't for me) but i work on small things at a time. It seems he always lets me know when he has done something (which yes is annoying because i don't tell him everytime i do the dishes) but i always thank him and say oh i really appreciate that u did that its sooo helpful. then i notice he does things more without me asking. Kind of like rewarding a dog :)

Hi,
this really bothers me when I hear people saying their husbands claim housework is not their "job"..i would bet to say that your husban has never spent a whole day w/ your daughter and trying to keep up w/ the housework also!! I'm a big fan of Dr. Phil, he has said that it is proven that being a stay at home mom is the equivalent of working 2 full time jobs-absolutely exhausting! I am a single full time working mom and have to come home and care for my son-while also trying to have fun time, and cleaning and it is absolutely strenuous-im sure your husband would have a hard time w/ this! He probably assumes you have a fun filled day, and is basically jealous..Tell him to take your place for a day-why not let yourself have a day to yourself and he can do YOUR work for a day I GUARANTEE, he would appreciate your efforts more.

Communication between you and your husband is the key . You have to have good communication and be able to express your problems and needs. Learning from my mistakes..I should of known what I was getting into before I watched my baby's dad go to bed at midnight and me crying how in a hour my daughter will be awake and wanting to be fed as a newborn. You have to talk and you both have to compromise and if one or both of you refuse to do that then it will not work. It will get worse..I hope it won't happen like that for you. Wish you the best. T.

I am also a SAHM. Before I was a SAHM I had my own place. I had a full-time job, and I was still the only one cooking, cleaning, and doing the laundry. If I was still working I would still do 1/2 the cleaning and 1/2 the child raising, and most of the shopping (best case senario, probably more), plus 40 hours of out of the house working, plus commute time, plus, plus, plus.

If you honestly put 3 hours a day into taking care of the home: Cleaning, cooking, laundry, yard work, etc. Everything will fall into place. I understand it can be hard to stay on track when little people interupt your progress with attention needs and make messes behind you when they aren't in need of attention. And goodness knows I would love to get 8 straight hours of sleep, but when the kids cooperate I am in bed 2-3 hours after my husband already woke up.

You don't mention how old your daughter is... maybe it would be best to accomplish things while your daughter naps, or to give her an activity like crayons and coloring book to do while you get your "chores" done. My child has crayon time or Leap pad time while the baby sleeps and I get things done during that time.

My husband... dosen't do a darn thing in the evening except whog the remote while watching TV, have a cocktail, eat dinner, and maybe play with the boys for 10 minutes. I personally feel he deserves it for paying for everything we have and everything we do.

I am almost positive this opinion won't be very popular, but it's the one I've got. Good luck with your situation. Maybe joining a Mom's group that gets you out of the house a little might make things nicer, I know it has for me. If you feel isolated, it may be adding to your sense of frustration with your husband.

I remember one time watching t.v. (I believe it was The Today Show) and they took a SAHM's job and tried to figure out how much she would make in a year, and how many hours she worked a week. I can't remember the exact statistics, but I do remember that they were astonishing! A stay at home mom works about 100 hours a week. (we have day and night shift!!!) My husband is not as helpful around the house as some of my other friends husbands are, however I have learned to make time for myself so I don't get burnt out. For example, last month I went away with 3 girlfriends for one night to go shopping and have fun! It was so good for me to get away, and it forced my husband to see what I have to deal with EVERY day. Granted the house wasn't picked up as nice as it could've been, but he still had to deal with every thing that you and I have to deal with every day.

C......

My answer to that question is YES! Mu husband felt the same way when our first was born. I was at home, trying to start a business and take care of a baby. He would come up and get upset when I asked him to take our son for awhile so I could go relax. In his defense....I now know that he just didn't get it.

When our son was 9 months old we went on vacation for 9 days. It was the first time that he got to be with a baby 24/7 for nine straight days! HE GOT IT !!!!!! From that point on, he helped more. And actually once my business got going more and more, he does all of the cooking and most of the laundry.

But YES he needs a dose of reality! My husband sure did and thank goodness because I was considering leaving him at the time. Those first 9 months were tough and just got tougher when he could walk and get into things.

I hope you can somehow arrange for him to spend nonstop time with the baby. Maybe you can go away for the weekend and leave the baby with him. That would help him get it and you get a break that you probably need badly!

Blessings!
M.

C.,
I went through the same thing with my husband. I have been a stay at home mom for 6 years and we have 4 boys. I never stop!!! My husband was the same as yours....he only worked his 8 hours and that was it. Then after our third son was born I had to have major surgery. He had to take over. After having to to my job for 6 days while I recovered he changed his mind set. Now he may not help a lot during the week....but he does a ton of stuff on the weekend. During the week he loads the dishwasher and takes out the trash and maybe run the sweeper every now and then. On the weekends though he will do everything but laundry...only because I don't want him to mess with my system on that.

Maybe if you take a couple of days and don't do anything....go on strike!!! Another idea a friend of mine did was make a bet with her husband. They each spent two days recording everything they did in their day . Then they compared notes. She bet him that he could not do her job based on the list for the weekend!!! If he could she would spoil him with his favorite dinner and a loving massage. If he could not do it then he had to start doing more to help her.

I know what you are going through and it is a horrible place to be!!! I wish you all the best!! Keep your head up though.....things do kind of settle into a manageable routine after awhile.

I just joined the site ....
Do NOT get a job outside the home if its not financially needed ...well, wait :)
the reason I say that is my ex was like your husband, and i got a job to get away, but all that happened was I just added more to my already crazy day.

I do recommend getting a PT job though because we ALL need time away. You NEED to be an idividual, otherwise you start to blame others for your misery. If you break away, you will appriciate your daughters smiles when you walk in from work.

So, it goes either way, you will add more to your life, but at the same time you need to in order to be a PERSON, not mom/wife only.

Hi C.,
I am also a SAHM and I babysit 5 days a week as well. Over the summer I could have 12 kids at my house. Now that school is back in (thank goodness) I have 4 kids here and the oldest is 3. He is mine. My husband gets so mad because laundry isn't put away and he has to look for socks sometimes. I told him that if he doesn't like it to put his own clothes away. he won't even do that. He says it is my "job" to do it. He never gets up if the kids do and I get up with them every weekend. I say do what they have suggested. Go on strike. Let them know how hard it is. My husband could never do what I do. I feel for you. I know how frustrating it is when they come home and do nothing. My hubby has now decided to go golfing every Saturday. That's his outlet. I keep asking him when I get to have some time to myself and it has yet to happen. I ususally get to take one to the grocery store. Good luck. You are not alone.

I have two daughters 11 mo and 2 1/2 years old. I'm SAHM and my husband work 8am 'till 4pm. He helps me every day after coming back from work, he usually watches the kids while I cook for dinner, and we are taking turns on giving the kids bath and put them to bed. Your husband needs to understand that while you are staying at home with your daughter during the day it is a "full time job" too, so in the evening or whenever he is not "working" you need to split the responsibilities of taking care of your daugther. If he still doesn't help you, you might consider get a job outside the home and use that to have him help you, but be warn, he might still doesn't help you.

i fell for ya girl...no ur husband should help u when he comes home from work.....men thinks working out of the home is a harder job then it is at home takeing care of kids..well let me tell u what takeing care of ids is a bigger and harder job....

I know it's been awhile since you posted this, but I just saw it today. I know EXACTLY how you feel!!! The other day I was watching "Surviving Motherhood" on TLC (very good show), and there was a stay at home mom whose husband said he feels like taking care of the children during the day is her "job" but they should share the household chores. I told my husband about that because he does not feel that way. He's not trying to be mean, but I don't think they all realize that child raising is a JOB in itself and household chores are like a SECOND job. It's a hard topic, but let me know how it's going. Have you said anything to him? I have the same problem. He helps a little on the weekends, but I'm so exhaused during the week and he doesn't understand why!!

good luck!