Am I Crazy???? - Culpeper,VA

It sounds great... if you can all be together as a family. It sounds like the best option is to either move closer to his job so you have more family time together, or all of you move back to NY... assuming you get the position. It isn't worth the risk of separating a family for a job, in my opinion.

I would say no to a move like this...years ago, my husband move to another town that was about 2 hours from us, I stayed here with the children because our oldest girl was a senior in HS. I will not go in to details, no need to, but let me tell you that it was almost the death of our marriage!! I only wish I could go back and change that decision...I would sell this house, pack up everything we own and follow him to where he was stationed. The girls wouldnt have liked it at the time but I think it would have been the wisest decision. Why not move to a place closer to your husbands current job so he isn't having such long commutes and could spend more time with you and your son? Maybe you can find a great place to live, closer to his work and it could have the ideal job for you too!! Put your family first...you will never go wrong!!!
I just don't see this being a wise decision for you...

if you are living in Culpeper, you probably have a nice big house with a great yard for less money than it would cost closer into DC. However, there are a lot of great places much closer to DC (if that is where your husband is working) that you could live but you would most likely have to compromise on house size and yard space but the trade off would be living MUCH closer to your husband's work and the ability to spend evenings with him while everyone is awake. In all honesty, I would try to move closer to your husbands work and search for work there before moving back to NY. (Although my first instinct was to tell you to go for it!!) But you have to think of your son and how it might affect him. He may be young but young kids are VERY perceptive. Believe me, you can find work if you keep trying and expand your search. There are a lot of great areas, not inside the beltway, to raise kids and where you could probably find a job!! Good luck with your decision!!

I would not separate the family.

And, glitches do happen. Even if it sounds all neat and fine on paper or in our mental images of the 'plan.'
It is never, that ideal. Or may be.
But, it would be a real live experiment.
And, the glitches will be unforeseen. The glitches, by nature, are drawbacks or problems. With said plan.

Your Husband has said, no. He is considering it, for you. But he is also saying No and expressing that he will not be in his son's life enough. And your SON... will not have his Dad, there either.
That is a lot different, than not being there because of his work schedule. You all still reside in the same home/same town/are the same family, together.
Being 'away'... for a child, means, being 'away' from Daddy.
And Daddy will not be there. In the same place, as him.

I seriously think there are jobs in other places than your home town. Start looking at every college in your state and the next ones over that would allow you to move and him keep his job and you'd both be home each night. I have done the "see each other on the weekends" and it was not much fun. If little one is sick he wants his daddy too, if life gets stressful you want hubby to talk to and snuggle, living too far away where you just can't hop in the car and be home in under an hour is just too far away.

Look closer to his job for a job. Maybe closer to home but still where you share the same home.

So.... I am torn in my response to your question. I am a military wife and currently my husband is deployed. We have, in the past, opted for him to "Geo-Bachelor" when he was sent somewhere for training but we didn't know where we'd be going after that. In those circumstances, I opted to remain in our home until we knew more. Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, it wound up being a longer "separation" than originally planned and led to a lot of hurt feelings. We worked through it, but it was tough.

So, to answer the question you asked, I will say it is absolutely do-able. There are families that have to do this sort of thing for any number of reasons.... something about your post makes me feel like that is not the real issue at hand.

You mention your husband is in his dream job, yet it entails a long commute and long hours, removing him from your household for more hours than you'd like. You mention that one of the draws to your hometown is the family and support you'd get there. Your husband is fulfilled in his job and you have found nothing..... It sounds like there's some parity issues in the relationship that are not going to be done any service by geographical distance. In the best of marital circumstances, a geo-bachelor situation is hard to handle. I think you two need to work on things between the two of you, then evaluate the external factors and see what you can change there.

I wouldn't do it. None of the positive options you are suggesting ("financial security, a great small town for our child to start pre-kindergarten, and a security with family and friends") override the importance of your husband being there whenever possible and being together as a family. If anything, I'd try to find a place to live closer to where your husband works so that you can get him home more...and hopefully, given more time, you can find a job for you!

There's so many potential issues that could arise if you don't live in the same house. You're almost for sure going to grow even further apart than you might already be (considering he's working a ton, I could see it might potentially feel like you aren't as close as you want to be).

If it's hard to decide, maybe try putting yourself in his shoes and see if it makes more sense why he's quite opposed at times. Would you feel okay with your hubby living somewhere else with your son, causing you to see them less? Even if you were already working a ton, every little bit you did get to see him/hubby would be important to you. So, if your hubby came up with an idea (moving too far away and taking son with him) and only make it so you see them only a few times a week...probably wouldn't be too appealing to you. I know I would be completely opposed to my husband moving away from me for a job.

I wouldn't do it, if it were me. Honestly, I'd stop considering it completely UNLESS there is a way to move as a family. I think that should be the top priority.

I think the ONLY way it could work is if your husband was as gung-ho about it as you are. HE has to be 100% on-board with a drastic move like this in order for it to be viable. If there's even a bit of hesitation, resentment won't be too far behind.

This is very tough - I really think spouses should live together if at all possible. I guess the question for me would be about the difference in yoru life if you can't get a job in VA. Are you able to make ends meet without getting the teaching job? Or are you not able to get food on the table? They are two different scenarios. When you get married you become one - in one place if possible.

I know what ir's like to want to live in your hometown - especially if it's a nice place to raise a family, etc. BUT - you need to get it in to perspective. If you could both live there it would be nice. But if you move to your hometown with your son and you only visit your husband every other week there's going to be some extra stress - and a severe type. Consdier how you'd like it if your DH moved to his hometown while you stayed behind - do you understand?

Marriages are tough enough to keep strong - and the bery best thing you can give your kids is a strong marriage. Moving a day's drive away will not help y our marrige and will only add stress to it. While your husband is providing for your family see if you can find some other kind of work in your area. Pray about it and see what else developes. You're educated - maybe you can get into an HR department and do training and devlopment - it's in your field - but different.

Good luck mama!

If your husbands job is a dream job that he has nomintention of leaving, I would absolutely consider moving closer to his work. I couldn't imagine me or my husband commuting that far to work, what a waste of time and money. I would not consider moving farther apart, families should stay together, that's just my opinion. I would move closer to his work and keep up the job search from there. I don't think your crazy to consider it, for you it would be great but I would make decisions or the family first.

Absolutely!! If moving just barely outside your hometown may give hubby a similar drive to work - then he can move with you all. Women need to stop catering to their husbands... Mothers lose SO much social security dependability because they allowed their husband's job to take the most important route and lost out on working themselves.

Having close family and friends really helps too. You need to do this for yourself and your child! Your husband should understand and support you as you've supported him all this time.

It could work, if both of you want it to. He isn't home now, the way you describe it, except on weekends. You both just need to be open to making this work.

My sister and her husband have lived in separate towns for over 10 years. They have been married for 25 years. For the first years, his job meant he was gone for a week or two at a time. Then, she opened her own business in the town they had their lake house in. He stayed in the town his job is now in. They spend every weekend together, and take several week-long vacations together each year. It works for them very well. They can each work as many hours as they chose, my sister loves not having to do his laundry and cook for him every night. They totally enjoy their weekends together.

My husband and I had to deal with his being "temporarily" transferred two years. At the time we weren't sure how long he would be gone. With two young children and one on the way, he didn't want to miss any time with them if he could help it. We had a lot of challenges (including frequent trips to our permanent resident, and a 6 week separation while I had the baby - insurance issues). In the end it was worth it. Yes, I had a difficult year being in a new place with a new baby and no real support system, but it was harder the 6 weeks we were separated (even with family and friends around). BTW - he was with us every weekend, but it wasn't the same. In the end the move became permanent and I still have issues with being lonely here and missing our old home.

That being said, your situation is your situation. You have to make the best decision for your family. I like the advice you were given about trying to move closer to your husband's work. Have you looked for work closer to his work? We did the commute consumes the day prior to two moves ago and it was miserable for all of us. While searching for our previous and current home, one of our musts was that it couldn't be more than 30 minutes from my husband's work.

Things might be hard now but if you move away it could just make things easier to not stay together. You said that you and Hubby are having problems, distance tends to make things harder not easier. Don't go, stay and be with your Man :) I am in the same boat with a Husband that is working several hours away from home. He leaves at 4:30am and doesn't get home until 7pm with 4 young kids it can get to be a handful. Things are always easy and we have had our problems. But keep looking for your dream job and until then just try to be patient. I know it can be hard and finances can play a big role in married life happiness. Check out Dave Ramesy and see what other things you can do to be more financially secure with the income that you have. For yourself search out some Mommy groups so you can find some friends, find a church, go to the library. Check out Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) they only meet from September to May but get plugged in to where you are if you are always looking to your hometown then it will be harder for you to find happiness where you are.

I don't think you are crazy...except for living in Culpepper!! (SMILES)....sounds like he's commuting into DC every day...yuck

I would suggest moving closer to HIS work and see if you can get a position in Fairfax County PS - they have openings....you could also check with the university's here in the area - Lord knows we have enough of them here...

Any way - you need to pursue your dreams as well.....

it's a hard ball to call when you aren't walking in your shoes!!! GOOD LUCK!!

Yes, it can work and does work for many families. I know it wouldn't work for mine, but if I had your current situation that wouldn't work for me either. Every family has it's own dynamics and needs to find the right balance that works for them.

It sounds like your current situation isn't working. Even though you're together, you still rarely spend time together. . It doesn't sound like hubby spends much time now with his son. If he makes visits to NY, he would be spending quality time with his son and with you. Maybe it's time for a change

I understand what it's like having a husband with a long commute.
Also being from NY state I totally understand missing that whole life.
I think that you have a great attitude about doing what it takes to keep your family together. Stay positive and focused on your dream. It gives your child a great model of what tenacity will produce.
You might want to look at private schools as well as public.
Best of luck to you.

I do not think you're crazy at all. Sounds like you've thought it thru. My only question is how far apart are the two cities/towns? Is flying most weekends doable? If so, I say, go for it!

Another thought I have as an alternative is could you move closer to his job so that he would spend more time at home if you didn't move? Or could he move closer to his job if you do move to your home town? That would make life easier for him.

I also agree with you that it's just for a year and agree that it's worth trying out.

Leslie M. mentioned parity issues. I wonder if your relationship is difficult because he does have a fulfilling job AND is not home very much. 80 miles one way means a 3+ hour commute each day. Perhaps you would be happier if you could move closer to his work so that he could be home more. Perhaps you could live close to his work and you could commute a longer distance.

Your relationship with your husband does need to be top priority. It sounds like he doesn't have strong feelings either way at this point. He's a quiet man which makes it harder for him to express his feelings. Before doing this I would make sure he's more than OK with it.

Yeah, I have to agree with S H and Momma L