Am I Being Taken Advantage Of??

Yes, you are being taken advantage of. Please call her back and say "I'm sorry, I simply don't have time to give massages, that is why I don't do it as a profession. But I have heard that XYZ day spa nearby has massage therapists, I recommend that you call there." Then simply repeat this any time she calls, and the only work you will have done is to look up the name of a local massage therapist once.

I like Mz.Kitty's answer, or I might say something like "if I wanted to do massage work instead of tending my home and children I'D BE DOING IT FOR $$$."

Or you could wimp out (like I might) and say "my husband doesn't want me spending time on that stuff, especially when I'm not getting paid. I've just got too many things going on with my kids to break up my day like that."

Some people . . .

Oh yes. I would let hubby put an end to it. Yes it is family but sometimes they are the worst. You say you could get $50-60 for a session well how about half of that - $30. If she doesn't like it she will find another person to "rub her neck" and you will be off the hook.

You have a licensed skill/trade, don't let her take advantage of it.

Good luck to you.

The other S.

PS Never feel guilty about saying "NO".

You're the one who gets to decide what to do with your training. I know, as a professional who has done a bazillion hours of volunteer work, that it's very hard for some of us to charge what we're worth, especially after setting a precedent of giving our work away to friends or family. Ouch.

If I were in your position, I would say in a relaxed and friendly tone, "Jean, I'm glad you and your daughter have been finding my skills beneficial. And I'm just not comfortable continuing with free massages – I have other priorities I must pay attention to. I am willing to offer you special family rates (name what your time is worth to you). Would you or your daughter be interested in continuing?"

If Aunt Jean has any sensitivity at all, she'll take this switch graciously and express tremendous appreciation for the free time you've given her so far. If not, she may act startled or even say something rude. That's on her, not on you. But you really must be the one to change the situation if it's going to change. I don't know why, but once you act like it's a pleasure to give yourself away, some people will happily keep asking for more.

And please RESIST the urge to make excuses or offer explanations, or to apologize for a necessary change. It is your right to value your time, training and energy. Those strategies just open you up to arguments and wheedling. Be calm and professional, and as inevitable as the tides.

You can do this. Practice with your husband, or a friend, or in a mirror until you can just state your new needs and expectations clearly, calmly, and with a smile in your voice. I wish you the best.

Maybe you could tell her that given your financial situation, you are trying to turn massage therapy into a source of income and as such, you'll have to charge for your time. Tell her normally it would be $50 (or whatever it is) but you'll do family for $35. That way, she still feels like she gets something, but you also get something in return.

I hate it when people don't think! At the very least, I would offer you a tip!

I would be honest with her and say something like "honestly, I didn't mind doing it the first time, but I can't rearrange my schedule for free massages every few days, there is a lot of time and effort put into it and I can't possibly do it any longer." She then will either offer to pay you...or not, but at least its out there. Or say you can do it, but since she needs it weekly, you can give her a discount off your "normal" rate since she's family. Yes, she is clearly taking advantage of you and you need to put a stop to it. Good luck.

I think I'd say "I just don't have time, sorry. Why don't you go to XYZ spa? I've heard they're good." Let her say "well, I don't want to pay for it." at which point you can laugh and say nicely "well, do you think I typically give massages for my own fun? It's work I usually get paid for!" If instead she says "hmm, or ok, maybe I will." Then you're still off the hook. It's ABSURD of you to give free massages, especially to her daughter!! What does she do part time or her husband do full time? If it's something you can use, then start askign them to do it for you for free... Bet they don't want to.

Please let your husband handle this. This is HIS family and he is sick of this. If you are living paycheck to paycheck, you need to be paid for your services, pure and simple. Let him tell them since you have trouble saying no. And ONLY do this at night time when HE is home, so that she doesn't stiff you.

You can only get taken advantage of if you allow it.

Dawn

If you are moving your life around, for her, it's simple: either offer to her that *she* could barter you some services that help you(babysitting, making dinners and bringing them, prepared) or let her know that "it just doesn't work out for me right now". If (IF!) she has the stones to ask why, have a list ready of all the things you have to do. And don't budge on your 'no'.

And then, do let your husband step in. If he's getting frustrated about the situation, and it's to the point that you are posting on this, then it's perfectly fine to let him speak his mind. He's a grown-up---he knows his family and what he's getting into.

Letting people like "Aunt Jean" run over your life is setting your family up for a continuation of a toxic relationship with her. In your case, when "Aunt Jean" calls up for another massage, if you don't want to entertain a reasonable barter, just tell her "You know, this just won't work for me anymore" and then give her the phone number of a place in her area. Let her work it out. And don't feel bad about it... *she* seems perfectly fine with letting YOU work it out for her, right?

Added later: I loved what Peg M said (when don't I?) and agree completely with Tatianna-- massage *is* hard work. The gal who works on me-- I love her and know she's working her butt off!

My daughter graduated from massage therapy like you did. She has her own table and all the other accessories she would need if she went to someones home to give them a massage.

I tried to talk her out of spending the money it took to get her training. I know how expensive the training is.

Now doesn't want to give any massages for any reason. Not even for her husband. Go figure. They are having economic problems and offered to pay her $30 an hour. About what she would make after taxes and after paying for the space at a spa. She still didn't want to do it.

If I was your dad or husband, I'd tell your aunt that you spent about $20k for your training and your table and etc. Or I'd tell YOU to tell your aunt that you need to pay for your education and etc and you will be happy to do any massages for $30 per hour (WHEN YOU HAVE TIME!). Tell her she is getting a deal vrs the $60 to $90 per hour charged at a spa. The last cruise I took charged $120 per hour.

Then, let your aunt decide how much (get the pun?) she wants the massage for herself and her daughter. If she pays you, put the money in an envelope or jar for fun and games for your family. If she doesn't want to pay you, I hope you find your schedule so busy you don't have time.

Good luck to you and yours.

I don't know if they are using you or not, sorta seems that way to me. Especially with the frequency they are asking..I could understand once for free but not repeatedly.

I think I'd say something like..you know I hadn't considered giving massages on a regular basis until you asked but since you've given me this idea, thanks so much. On a limited basis I'm going to be giving massages for $____ for 1 hour, $___ for a half hour. I hope you'll be able to give my name to your friends since you obviously think I do a great job. I also hope you understand that I'll need to charge you too but since you are family I'll give you a ___% discount.

I'd also make a point that the schedule will be at your convenience since you have kids to care for, etc. No just dropping by or calling thinking you will drop everything for them...especially with the "family discount!" :)

Tell her that you can no longer subsidize her massages. Period.

If you are operating a business, you charge $60 per hour. You will accept cash, check or Paypal - if that works for you - and you will make yourself available for the massage. Otherwise there are no more free rides. It's that simple.

if you don't want to do the massages - then SAY NO!! As long as you don't stand up for yourself. She will continue to ram rod you into it. Practice saying NO! it's OKAY to say NO!!!

Stand up for yourself. It's not being confrontational. It's standing up for yourself.

Honestly, if it's family, I probably wouldn't ask for payment. I think the only way out is to say that you're too busy with your kids or whatever. My brother in law is a Dentist and we offer to pay him (no ins.), but he won't accept it. I think most people don't charge family members.

The other thing you could suggest is trading services...i.e. you massage, they babysit. You could say something like, hey, I wouldn't mind doing a massage, but could I ask you to sit with my kids next week while I run my errands? If they don't want to reciprocate, they might get the message.

Haven't read your answers yet but YES you are being taken advantage of - big time. Really rude for her to even ask you to do this for her, now her daughter? I like what Peg said - I might add that you could say - "you know, (insert name of freeloading aunt here) - you've given me a great idea. So many people with my training run a massage business right out of their house. Starting next week, that's exactly what I'm going to do. I know that if I were doing this same work at XYZ Spa, I'd have to charge X, but since I'm on my own, I'm only going to charge X for a 1/2 hour and XX for a full hour. Do you want to make an appointment with me when I open MY Spa?" I'd even go so far as to make up a pretty flyer with your prices clearly listed. Be sure to hand one to Auntie. Thank her profusely for "helping you to realize how much your time is worth."

Put on your big girl panties and nip this NOW. Best of luck and hey, you really CAN make $$ doing this at home - go for it. PS - I'd like to add that one of my sisters went to school to be a hair dresser. For as long as I can remember EVERY person in my family who gets so much as a trim pays her for her service - even my mother! We don't think anything of it. She gets paid for her work, so why wouldn't we pay her. Granted, she has often handed some of the $$ back to us if she thinks we paid her too much, but we always pay her something for her time/talent.

Hi,

First of all, it seems that whatever you tell her, you are the one who will turn it over and over and let it replay and replay for months. ( You have to be able to live with it forever, so choose wisely.)

Whatever she knows how to do tell her you will trade and that's that. She can clean your home for an hour, trim your hair, babysit while you jog for an hour or do your nails, and so can the niece. This way you get time spent on you. You could also explain that you have to work out of a shop and not your home. I hope this helps.

You answered your own question!
You wrote: I do not want to do the massages.

Tell her NO.
If she is annoying enough to press you...tell her you don't have the time, but would she like the phone number of a nearby massage place? Have it handy.

How about this. Aunt Jean, i'm so excited I"ve just printed up my own business cards. Thanks to you i've discovered the confidence (what ever) to start my own massage business. You and 17 yo daughter have shown me there really is a market in this town for at home massages. To show my appreciation, i'm offering a family discount to you! only $35!!!! When can i sign you and 17 yo daughter up!!!

Are you a good actress, lol you might never hear from her again, or you might actually end up with your own business.

I agree with most of what everyone else said, but also want to add that massage is HARD WORK! Even if you love it, even if you are getting paid. They don't seem to get that part. If I were you I'd decide if you really do want to moonlight doing massage for pay here and there. If you do, then tell your aunt and her entire family what your rate is and that you need to be paid for your services, as you are a professional. But I'd be careful with this, because if you don't like confrontation, you will be twice as resentful when she asks for massages for her whole family and then comes up with excuses as to why she can't pay. Sounds like you would be uncomfortable asking for the money anyway. If you are just not in a place in your life where you want to do massage, then don't. That is understandable. I only have one child and work part-time, but I find that I simply don't have the energy or get in the head space to do astrological consultations that I used to love to do, for pay. The money would be nice but not as nice as the time with my son or the million things I always need to be getting done.

As far as doing massages for free? Now once or twice - if you offered - is one thing, but beyond that? No way would I do that. It is important to learn how to say no. You need to learn that people may not always like what you say or do, but their feelings are their problem, not yours. If you have self-respect, they will most likely still like you even if they aren't getting everything they want from you. Good luck!

YOUR HUSBAND WANTS TO CONFRONT THIS FOR YOU??!!! You lucky girl. I was going to say, you should just jokingly but serious say, "Sorry, the hubs said no more free massages"

Truthfully, of course she should not be putting you in this position by not offering to pay and waiting for you to put your foot down. But that's what some people do. Flex your "boundaries" muscles, you'll need to MANY TIMES in the future to model strength for your kids and say, "OK, "first-time-free-for-family specials" are over, I can't do anymore free massages". You can say it with a smile, but mean it.

I'm a painter. And busy SAHM of three young kids. You would not believe how many relatives (and even some friends) ask for free art! They think you can design their this-and-that posters and fliers and paint their kids rooms and community murals and do paintings for them to give to other people for birthdays.....and I do sell my work and charge a lot for commissions (which I barely have time for paying customers), but they think you'd just LOVE to do it for them! Some people....sheesh.

You have to say no. And let your husband chime in all he wants.

i do housecleaning, have for years, and i cant count the number of times that people have tried to get "freebies" out of me! the next time "auntie" asks for a freebie, simply look at her and say, "DO I LOOK LIKE A CHARITY TO YOU ??" "
more later. baby in lap
K. h.

Peg said it best.

Why on earth haven't you asked for compensation? Next time they call, tell them that you are glad the massages are helping, but that you are going to need to charge XX amount for your time.

You're not working in a spa, so you can't charge $60+, how about half that for an hour's work? Then they can choose to pay.

Once again, no one can take advantage of you without your permission. Find your voice. What's the worst thing that can happen? They'll go to a spa and pay for a massage?

If you were a dentist would you give free cleanings? You were trained and certified to do a job and you don't have to hand out freebies if you don't want to. I would let them know you just can't afford to give freebies anymore but you're willing to give them a discount. After all, it's your business. Just because it's a massage and not a root canal doesn't mean it any less important. DNA does not make family and does know make it a requirement to do whatever they want.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

I don't understand why you stopped your husband from saying something. ESPECIALLY, since you don't want to give her the massages. He's family. Family can talk to family with less offense than in-laws. The way to deal with in-law issues is you take care of issues arising from your side of the family, he takes care of issues from his side of the family. Let him call her and tell her she's taking advantage big time! Free massage for a 17 year old?!? If you don't stop it here, you'll have the whole family lining up at your door for a free massage.
There's non-confrontational and there's doormat. Sorry, no offense meant. I'm just PO on your behalf.

My BFF went to massage school and I helped by letting her practice on me ;). Now she is a professional and has her own massage business. Over the years she has written in Birthday cards etc to me "Good for one Free Massage". Even with that card, I never take her up on them. I feel guilty not paying and I cannot afford 65 bucks. A few months ago she insisted that I come in and do a massage with her and a cellular release, due to stress I was having. I finally took her up on it but still tipped her 20 bucks (which I think she appreciated).

I think it's terrible that she is using you like this. I wonder if she even feels guilty?

ETA - Actually I think you could continue but I would ask her next time what her availablity is to babysit your kids while you run some errands. Start to use her services as you have already given payment.

Sally R has my same response. Tell her you are happy to work out a trade for babysitting services. It is always awkward to discuss money with family. But I do think you need to stand up for yourself here. One time is not taking advantage but continuing to come back and ask over and over and to add family members is inconsiderate. Since your husband is backing you up on this, strategize with him on how best to deal with the issue.

i agree with letting your husband take care of it. i see nothing wrong with that - it IS his family.

and i also like the answer that he doesn't want you doing it when you have other things you could be doing, and you're not even getting paid. heck, even let HIM tell her that! maybe she'll get the hint. if not, at least you won't have to keep doing it....

Are you being taken advantage of???? YEP...in a big way...who's next?? the family dog!!! Cause there's always gonna be a next! You need to draw the line!

I say read what Peg M. said and then read it again...she has stated everything exactly right! Do it her way, exactly like she says, with resisting the urge to 'explain' yourself or give reason or excuses...just state it matter of fact like! And what ever comes next on how they handle it is on them...you would have stated everything perfectly clear and politely and the ball is then in their court!

I am sure it will be difficult but if you do not want to keep giving them free messages you are going to need to speak up! There is nothing wrong with the way Peg M. says to say it, it is exactly perfect!

Good Luck!

I think it's too late now. You have been doing this for some time and she is under the impression you are doing it for her because you love her and she is family.

If you ever do start running a business then you can let her know that she can file it on her insurance if her doc writes a prescription, if you can do that. I had a chiropractor who worked it out with me to take the insurance pay and let me do some office work for him for the rest of my payment.

Since you are at home and never said anything about payment before I think it's too late to do anything without hurting her feelings and causing a rift that will last until one of you dies. Then her family will carry the grudge on further.

And to add, if you are in this much financial trouble then it sounds like you need to go to work. Then you can tell her that you can't do it anymore because you are having to go back to work.

I totally agree with Hazel W.!
If you and your husband feel strongly about it, then something needs to be said. If "Aunt Jean" is close enough family, she should understand and not judge you poorly.
If you dislike confrontation (as I do), perhaps you could compromise with her. Offer to give her and/or her daughter one free massage every few months as it's convenient for you, but if they want them more frequently, or at times that may not be as convenient for you, they need to pay for your services.
Bartering services is also a great suggestion! If they don't want to pay money, they should be willing to do something else for you in return.
I hope these comments help you make the best decision for you and your family. Good luck!

I like to read the subject line and answer the question before I read the post. I guessed YES! Ha! I was right.

How to fix this. It is easy. Every time she needs a massage ask her to babysit. After all you are family, right?

As a photographer, when I am asked if I could photograph someone and they tell me they can't afford my price and I know they are full of it, I tell them my volunteer day is the first Saturday of May. I will be glad to photograph their group of runners at the SGK Race for the Cure. The end.

I received good advice from a MFT once that when there is an issue of concern with a family member of Spouse #1, it is Spouse #1 who should discuss it with the family member, even if Spouse #2 is the one with the issue (unless Spouse #2 wants to take care of it his/herself). Family dynamics just make the discussion easier. Have your husband talk to Aunt Jean, tell her that she is taking advantage of you, that you're unhappy about it but do not want to hurt Aunt Jean's feelings, and that you would be happy to give messages if she paid you a fair price (set it yourself) for it.

You are being taken advantage of if you feel you are or if you allow yourself to be. It is not bad or wrong to give free massages. I am certified to teach yoga, or I used to be pre-kiddos. I often held free yoga classes in addition to the ones I was teaching at various studios. Both in my house and at local churches. I was not being taken advantage of, because I chose to offer the classes for free. There were people who attended who couldn't afford regular classes and there were people who attended who could afford classes and were to cheap to do it, or wanted the classes for free. And there were people who attended who felt more comfortable in a free class because they didn't think they could really do it. I was not being taken advantage of because I choose it despite some people not using it how I hoped, but many did. You did not offer these sessions, now it is up to you to decide if you will continue. i was asked on occasion to provide free yoga, and I did it. I had the time then and tho I had little income, it was a service I felt I needed to do. But in he end even when asked, I wanted to do it. If you don't want to do it, and you are doing it anyway, you are allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. It is fine for her to ask for free massages and for you to give them if it is in your heart to do that. If not, then you should not be doing it and building resentment toward her and her family. It sounds like you do not really want to do this, you really don't have the time to do it, and you doing because you feel obligated. You can say no, I do not have the time to do this. If however you are really just feeling like you need compensation for it, you have every right to ask for that. It doesn't have to be monetary compensation but it could be. You could ask for an exchange of services. Can one of them clean your house once a week? Or watch your kids for a few hours? Or is there some other skill they have? Or you could just ask for money. But if you really don't want to be doing it it is perfectly okay to tell then that. It is also perfectly okay to ask for money. If you want to give a discount because they are family that is fine, but you don't have to. You really need to sit down and think about what the reason is that this bothers you so much and then do something about it. It may even be some reason no one on here thought of yet. But you should not continue to feel like you are. But remember this is about you and not about hubby or her. Hubby can be annoyed all he wants but it isn't him providing a service for someone. There were people who said I was crazy for offering the free yoga classes, told me I was being taken advantage of. I was not, because I chose it. Hubby can say what he wants but it is you who needs to be okay with it. It isn't about her either, she has every right to ask for something for free, but she doesn't need to receive it. If you ask for an exchange of babysitting she can say no, but you can then say no the massage. Just remember you have to make you feel comfortable with the situation and everyone else can take care of themselves. Good luck!!!!

I really like the idea of bartering with her. I do this with my hair stylist, he comes to the house to cut our hair and he gets a free dinner at our restaurant for each person's haircut he does. I don't give away free dinners because someone is a relative or friend (you might get a free desert though lol). I love love love having a skill I can trade. Trade her for housecleaning or babysitting, or maybe she will run errands for you? I'm sure you guys can come up with something! And yes, if your husband wants to break the ice about it, LET HIM. It's his family!

Im jumping on the wagon!!! Tell her you will need to be paid for it. Sometimes families think they get a "discount" and so far she has. I would say I needed to start helping bring in some income to help and using the skills I learned is a great way! Next time y'all want a massage schedule a appointment with me and it will be X amount for it. Your not lying and not being rude, your being honest. Tell her your trying to start up a client list and they can be the first! If they dont want to pay then let them know you will be too busy trying to start it up to squeeze them in! Good luck love