What Do I Do with My Sister-in-law?

You just need to bite the bullet and talk to her. Let her know that if she'd like you to take care of her daughter, you'd be delighted, but that she will have to arrange it in advance, and she will have to pay you.

Hi K.! I think what you have outlined is more than fair. She should pay you for drop in rates. The way you described bringing it up to her sounds good!

My sister watched my daughter for 2 years while I worked. I paid her what I would pay any other daycare provider in my area, I was also more concerned about not taking advantage of her kindness because I knew that she was the best person to take care of my child and I did not want her to dislike watching my child. It was a business relationship and I did not want to create bad business.
This is your business and even if it is your niece you are not doing daycare for charity, this is your job! I truly understand that stay at home moms need help every once in a while and what a wonderful opportunity you have for drop in care but why would she not pay you? Some people think that they are doing the world a favor by having children and they think that people WANT to watch their children. I can't believe it never occurred to her to offer to pay you but if it is something that bothers you it needs to be said, you are not uncomfortable asking your other parents for payment then you should not be uncomfortable asking her either. If she does not bring her back because you offended her by asking her to pay you for your job then oh well, you were not getting paid anyways.

I understand completely why you feel the way you do. You don't owe it to your sister in law to be her free babysitter and since it cuts into your business it really bites. My daughter is a beautician and it was to the point of her not wanting to come to family get together because one of the relatives always needed a hair cut or perm or color. I finally did what she wouldn't do and told family members if they want my daughter to do their hair, do what I do and make an appointment to go see her. This stopped most of the taking advantage of her. You need to sit down with your sister in law and tell her this is your business and when she drops off her kids it costs YOU money. Tell her that you are willing to schedule her in just like any customer but you do expect to be paid for it. Her wanting a day off shouldn't cost you money while it costs her nothing. If she shows up and doesn't call ahead I would just tell her that if she wants to stay and visit, that would be fine but if not, it puts you above the adult/child ratio that could lose your licence if an inspector comes. If you keep her, bill her just as you do any other parent. We let people take advantage of us and while a lot don't feel it is nessessary to charge for a family member, it is bothering you and that is a no win situation. I look at it like this... If I owned a restaurant, I wouldn't want everyone in my extended family to expect to eat free all the time. You own a business and you deserve to be paid for your services no matter who it is with.

Try talking to me about it. That would be a good thing. Sorry you felt taken advantage of and I guess I did take your offer for Abi to come over a bit further then what you meant. So worries, won't let that happen again.

It sounds like your SIL hasn't really asked you to watch her daughter and she just shows up with her. If this is the case, then you need to make that the point of your discussion.

If you would like her to watch your two kids one night a month for two days you watch your niece a month, then approach the topic with "Hey, my husband and I could really use a date night once a month and I had a great idea. Why don't you take my kids for one night a month (it could even be a non-weekend)and I'll keep taking your daughter twice a month on pre-scheduled days? Why don't we look at a calendar and figure out what works best for each of us?"

If you don't want to swap babysitting but don't mind two days a month with advanced warning, then just open the conversation with "Hey, I'm trying to make my schedule for next month and was wondering what two days you'd like me to take your daughter. If you want me to take her for any more days, then I can give you a family discount of $X."

If you want her to pay regardless, then explain that when you take your niece it sometimes may keep you from taking on another drop off child which costs you money, but because she is family, you can offer a family discount of $X per hour.

Good luck to you! Dealing with family can be VERY hard, but set your limits.

K. - you just need to be honest with her. The more you feel taken advantage of, the more bitter you will feel. It will really hurt your relationship in the long run. This might be difficult now, but 20 years from now when you're still bitter and have lost the relationship, you'll be sad.

Be straight forward and honest. Not easy.

Good luck,

wow-thats pretty rude of her...dont answer the door...i know keep family peace...but i guess i would make a flyer to all your mommies-her included-and the prices of your daycare charges-no exceptions-payable at pick up of the child....if no payment is made-they cant use your services anylonger-your running a buisness...no different from any other buisness.and if that doesnt work...have a sit down talk with her....some ppl veiw kindness for weakness....good luck

All I can say is be clear in communication and set limits and boundaries for yourself. I would tell her a fee or make a trade and get a commitment for a time she can watch your children. Good luck family stuff is yuck!

Given that she has not babysat your children (a fair exchange of services) there is no point in trying to reason with her as her treatment of you and your business shows she is obviously very ignorant. The next time (and every time thereafter) she tries to drop her kids off I would let her know that you are required by law to have a child/caretaker ratio and that you are not able to take her child today because of that. This is assuming you're not doing this under the table. I would stay away from getting her to pay the drop off rate b/c given how she has treated you in the past she will probably pay you once or twice and then 'forget'. Bottom line is (and one of my favorite quotes ever) "People only do to you what you allow them to" . You need to stand up for yourself - and do it quick! Good luck - it's never easy when a family member is involved.

Well, I have no idea why anyone would respond in a way that indicates you are being greedy. What I felt was that you are attempting not to be walked all over. A.) You are running a business and B.) Yes, family should help out family but that should be a two way street and you indicate your SIL never accommodates your occassional baby sitting request.

Next time tell her your drop-off spot has already been filled and that this is great for your family because the extra $$ it brings in is very much needed. Or tell her you are at your licensed max the next time she calls

you basically tell her that your license requires that any child left in your care during your day care hours are REQUIRED to have the proper paperwork filled out, schedule given to you in advance (or for drop in care, however you work that) and that she is REQUIRED to pay just like any other parent. you really have to be businesslike when you are dealing with your business. its not fair to other moms who leave their children with you and pay for her to drop her kid off there and not pay.

check out things by tom copeland - hes pretty much an expert (in my opinion) in all things legal concerning child care businesses. i also run an in home child care, so i know what you are dealing with.
also, watch your age groups. you CANNOT go over your numbers with a license.
if you arent doing licensed day care, i guess you just have to stand up for yourself and use the words "my needs are..." and tell her like it is, in a businesslike way
especially when she is not willing to exchange babysitting you know?

good luck

I haven't read all the responses but it makes me sad to think people would read your question and call you greedy. Good heavens. You run a business, that's the bottom line and other people that have jobs outside the home don't work for free. It's a fabulous advantage to have a relationship with your SIL so that you "COULD" swap babysitting at night or during the day - but it has to be mutual. I would say the next time she tries to drop them off you simply say - No, I can't I'm full or I have an inspector coming today and just can't take any extras. Honestly, that will probably only help for that day only, but if it gives you a day it may help her think about what she's doing. Don't be taken advantage of just because you provide daycare for others! Good Luck.

K., I read what you wrote about your intention to have your SIL sign up to pay for daycare from you--a good plan indeed. However, you have learned the hard way that people will try to take advantage of you unless you can be assertive and direct with them about your feelings. Your SIL is clearly a "user" (man, I'd never dream of treating someone that way--how ungrateful she is!)...but you will get walked all over, even by loved ones, unless you assert yourself and tell them that you will not allow yourself to be used. This can be uncomfortable and they may not respond well to it at first but it is up to you to teach others how they must treat you.

I wouldn't either.

It would be a different story if she was dropping your neice off 3-4 days a week, but twice a month is not that often. I have soon to be 10 neices and nephews and I am known as the babysitter because I do take them when asked. I also offer to take them as well.

If it is bothering you, maybe you could set up something for her to watch your 2 kids so you and your husband could have a night away?!

You absolutely HAVE to say something to her. It is not right, and if you don't do something about it, it will never end.
I am not sure how you should go about it as far as keeping the peace... but as far as I am concerned there is no peace if she is using you like that anyways.
I was used for babysitting before I moved here. First it was my Aunt (babysitting her grandkids) then Her daughter realized she could do it too. I had these girls Monday through friday, from around 8am untill 6pm. They needed help, and honestly i felt the girls were safer. They always said they would pay me... eventually I got paid about 40 dollars total, for a whole school year of babysitting. And even then, I was upset... My Aunt paid me, I thought that was unfair.
Anyways, I was never able to speak up, and it only got worse until I moved 2 states away.

My advice is SPEAK UP NOW, Before it is too late!

What does she do for a living? I think I would ask for some of her skills or her husband's and see what they say. If they mention payment I would tell them "I am so glad you brought that up, I have been meaning to talk to you about that" and then let them know that it is not just about your time, that it costs you money for every child who eats your food, flushes your toilet and watches your TV.
I have done in-home for over 20 years and next week I go back to running a center. The sad ting is that although I will still be the same great caregiver with the same training and experience I will get a lot more respect overnight!

Hi K.

I do not know if you are state licenced or not . But if you are then you could just say I do not mind watching your little one since she is my niece but if state were to come in they may say some thing if I am over my limit . Then tell her if she wants you to watch your niece once in a while to call you first to set it up . And then just say if you do not want to swap kids once in a while then you need to charge her some thing for your time . She might get a little upset but this is your job . Good luck

Hi, K.. I don't think you are being greedy at all, especially since she drops off her daughter without scheduling it. I only have one niece, and I would probably watch mine for free, if it were occasional, but I also do not run a day care. :) I like your idea to offer her a family discount and to have her sign the state form. I would also ask her if she would like to drop her daughter off once a week, regularly scheduled, so she can have some regular alone time. Then you also have a regular schedule with your niece and can plan accordingly.

It is so difficult with family sometimes, isn't it? If you are a woman of faith, pray about confronting her first, for wisdom on your part and understanding on hers.

Good luck to you!

I didn't read everyone elses responses, but I run an in-home daycare as well and completely understand where you are coming from. It takes up a spot that you could use for other drop in care. I have a niece and nephew that i watch periodically and i feel that theya re my family and i don't feel right charging them. however, if tehy were here once or twice a month...i would want to be paid for my time. my sis-in-law actually leaves money for me b/c i always refuse to accept her payment...but she says what youa re saying "it is a spot that you could be using for someone else. it is during business hours and should be treated like a business deal." i think the easiest way to handle this might be to say that with the economy the way it is, you really need her to pay for her drop in care (maybe offer a discount) or that you need to look into filling that spot and can no longer help out. we work very hard and one extra kid means...one extra meal, etc. people don't realize the actual cost we pay to have these chidlren in our homes. daycare is expensive...if you are the parent...but if you are the provider...we barely make $3.00/hr/ child. it isn't much when you see eveything we have to pay for to keep our business going. anyway...maybe just explain that the "swapping" C. isn't working out and that you'd like to start making more money for whatever (take your kids out, bills, etc) She should understand and if she doesn't then i would seriously find a way to make the C. swap work!!! you deserve to paid in some way. good luck!

After reading all the responses I did not see but one that said to bite the bullet- tell you that you were being greedy.
You need to take action. You obviously know that this is wrong, but continue to let it happen. You will continue to have an underlying issue with it if not resolved.

I'd tell her you are only licensed for x number of kids, and some days you could be full and if you watch your niece that day, you could be at risk for getting your license revoked.
I like what you tried with her in having her reciprocate by watching your kids once in awhile - maybe you could even say to her "ya know, I'd love to watch her, I really would, but since you never seem to have time to pay me back with your time, you need to pay for my services like the other parents are - I charge $____ per hour. Do you want to pay each time, or should I bill you monthly?"

I probably wouldn't. It isn't what I do for a living, but I watch my niece because she is my niece. I don't always like what my sister is doing with her time, but I want my niece and my daughter to have a relationship and that is more important. If it is only onece or twice a month I would either a. get over it or b. ask her to take your son occasionally. If it is putting you over the limit of kids you can have that is a different story, but it doesn't sound from what you wrote like that is the case.

Since you are running a bussiness and then your niece will be taking away a paying spot I will just tell your sis-in-law that from this point forward she will have to pay.

I dropped my daughter off at my mom's daycare ONCE because I had a last minute work meeting that I could not miss and no babysitter lined up, I asked the price even thought this was a one time thing. My mom said the first time is free after that I will have to pay.

So next time it happens say this is the last time you can drop her off without paying after this you have to pay here are my rates. If she puts up a big fuss and this is you brother's wife talk with him or if it is your hubbies brother's wife tell hubby to talk to his brother.

I haven't read the other responses so I'm sorry if I am repeating something.
If this were a normal family-member-helping-family-member type of thing, she would at least call you to ask if you could watch her. I can't imagine my sister just stopping by the house and expecting me to watch my niece unplanned. Of course if she called me beforehand, and I told her YES, then it would be different. But just dropping her daughter off is really ridiculous. Especially if she doesn't ever return the favor and watch your kids.
I would tell her that you can only watch a certain number of kids each day, and that you need to know in advance if she is going to bring her niece over [maybe say, "last time I had way more kids than I expected and I had to ask so and so for help!"]. Let her know you can give her a good discount, and I would say something like "Maybe we can trade kids once or twice a month then we both can get a break!" To help her get the hint.
I am surprised anyone would do something like that in the first place- I wonder if she just is too uncomfortable to ask you for the help and so she ignores any conversation about it...maybe she is desperate for a break but doesn't have the money... maybe she just thinks she is entitled to free daycare since she is your "sister" now, and that it is no big deal for you to take on one more kid...maybe at some point you told her that you are there if she ever needs a hand [I know I have said that at many baby showers] and she is taking you up on it without asking?? It is really kind of weird

I think you're right to charge -- this is your business and she seems to be oblivious to your needs (both as a business owner and as another person needing some babysitting). If she balks, get your husband involved since it's his sister. She'll villify you more than her brother if she gets irritated. And I think you're smart to bring in the legal angle. What if something happends to your neice when she's there? Would your SIL sue you as a business owner? You provide a great service to her. I'm a SAHM and I pay for sitters (grandma is paid in "blood" ;-)). Be strong! Good luck!

you are not being greedy, if she was asking ahead of time that would be a different story. i watch my nieces and nephews free of charge mostly because my sisters ask well in advance. stick with what you plan to do, you are not out of line to ask for drop off fees, especially if she can't even trouble herself to call ahead OR offer to watch your little ones once in a while. Good luck!

business is business, even when it is an at home day care...

I would do as you planned and give her the information and the discount rate...

honeslty if you don't it can only get worse...it would be a different story if you too were only a stay at home mom, but your not, your running a business.