Am I Being Overprotective? No Sleep over Policy at 10 Years Old

I know several families that don’t allow sleepovers at all. It’s less common but certainly not unheard of.

You are the mom and this is your decision. No one should tell you if you are right or wrong.

That said... my daughter was active with sleepovers at friends and our home from at least kinder on. She's 23 now.

We had a ton of sleepovers (always supervised) at our home and I never had anyone picked up at bedtime nor anyone not allowed to sleep over.

We knew parents and knew what parents supervised properly. Most of the very lax parents did not want the sleepovers at their home... too lazy to supervise. It was perfectly ok with me to be the host because I knew what they were doing!

At some point, you have to start letting go and let her be responsible. As much as we'd like, we can't keep our kids in bubble wrap til they are grown.

Our daughter had a phone. At a sleepover, I texted her goodnight and that was her "code" to let me know if she was ok or wanted to come home.

What is it that really bothers you about a sleepover? Your daughter building friendships, establishing responsibility, growing up?

You mention that your daughter has never been to a sleepover.

As you can see from reading the posts below, you need to start by deciding whether you will say "no sleepovers ever".

If you plan to allow your daughter to do sleepovers in some situations, my suggestion would be that you start by hosting one yourself - have your daughter do a sleepover with her friends under your roof. Then she - and you - will be "prepared" for her to go to other sleepovers.

Also, if you do plan to allow sleepovers, age 10 is a FINE time to start.

My niece has a no sleepover rule. I find it interesting since she did a lot of sleepovers in her youth. I have friends that do as you’ve suggested where they “stay late”.

My kids sleep over at friend’s houses. It’s people I’ve known for awhile and am comfortable with. If it was someone I didn’t know well I would ask questions and see how I felt then.

My son had a sleepover bday party for his 13th. A few of the boys parents checked with one of the moms I’ve known since the boys were toddlers. She told them she trusted me explicitly with her son and they could rest easy. I was grateful she told them as I had no idea they asked her. I did prepare my son that some may not come because they didn’t know us that well. It was the beginning of a great core friendship for my son and I’m grateful they trusted me.

Bottom line, you have to be comfortable. There’s also nothing wrong with deciding you think she’s too young and she needs some time and preparation.

What I do think is you need to also know you won’t always be popular for your decisions. I’ve told my kids I know they don’t always understand my reasoning and that’s okay. Every decision I make is out of love for them and never with malice. I’ve also changed my mind on occasion when I’ve had more time to consider or if they make a valid point I haven’t thought about. BUT they also know throwing a fit or being sassy will be an automatic no and there won’t be any change in decision.

Welcome to the wild world of tweens. It’s an incredible trip that’s sometimes very bumpy. 😊

Well the fact is that she is WAY more likely to be abused/molested by a close friend or family member so yes, logically your position makes no sense in terms of safety.
This is about YOUR fears, and possibly controlling nature.
Look, it's your kid, so do what you want, but I personally feel sorry for your daughter, especially since she seems more than ready to start spreading her wings :-(

My kids have been to sleepovers by age 10. However, they were also going to sleepovers with their team stuff and scouting stuff (like camping out, etc.) and so they were used to it. They loved it. Mine also were heading off to camp around that age or soon after.

However, no judgement. It's totally up to you. We certainly didn't do tons of them. Usually it was just for a birthday party or a couple a year. My kids are not huge sleepover kids. Mine prefer their beds. I also have a child who didn't handle sleepovers that well, so we had a code too where I would text and he would let us know if he wanted to come home (Like TF did with her daughter). That was more important to us - that our kid felt comfortable and settled for the night.

For that child, we did do the late night pick up - and still do. That way, our kid doesn't miss out on fun and can joke about it, making light of it. No one teases and it's ok. This is our child's choice though, and we are relieved because there's no call at 3 am.

I would agree - about hosting them at your house if daughter wants to try it out.

My honest feeling is, what can happen at a sleepover that can't happen at a playdate? Then I read birdsfreakmeout's reply! whoa! I guess a lot. I think so long as you know/trust the parents - and feel comfortable - maybe that's the difference - we have known the parents and felt ok leaving our kids (also, we've had many talks/conversations with our kids over the years so they know to call/text us the minute anything 'funny' (they know what funny means - i.e. makes them feel uncomfortable)).

It depends, I guess.

First, is your daughter pretty sensible in general? Or is she the type to do foolish things? Does she ride her bike with a helmet, for example, or is she prone to taking off on her bike without notifying you or without a helmet, just because she saw her friends riding by? Is she age-appropriately sensible about general safety, or has she been sheltered her whole life, to the point where she can't even imagine that unsafe situations can exist?

And since you know your daughter's friend's mother, what kind of feeling do you get from her? Is she a safe, concerned mom, or is she really nonchalant when it comes to her daughter, not even knowing where her daughter is after school?

Can you tell the mom that this is your daughter's first sleepover, and ask quite frankly about what the plans are, what kind of supervision there will be? I think that's a very rational thing to ask, mom to mom. If the mom says "oh, the girls will be downstairs playing computer games and my husband and I are going to stay out of their way. We're having a couple of beers on the porch and letting the girls have their fun", well, that sounds like a less-than-optimal situation. If the mom says that there are games planned, and a PG movie, and that she will be carefully supervising, then that might be a good situation.

Does your daughter have a simple cell phone with your number programmed in it? Make sure she does and that she knows she can call you, and that your phone will be on all night.

My boys have done sleepovers and we have had sleepovers.

What is your fear? Why don't you want this to happen? I had sleep overs as a young girl - started to have them around 6 and did them into high school. The girls I had sleepovers with? We played with make up and hair. We watched movies.

ONCE we played with a OUIJA board. That was not fun. I wouldn't do that again.

Overall? It was fun. We didn't sneak out of the house. We didn't have boys over. We didn't run rough shot around the house. Even as teenagers, we didn't. That's not what we were about. As a teenager? we did even MORE make up - used cans of hair spray! Washed our hair and did it again.

i'm surprised that your daughter is *devastated* if she's been 'protected' from sleepovers for her entire life. she should be used to it by now.

my kids had sleepovers their whole lives, starting with family when they were babies. yes, if i didn't know the parents i'd make a point of GETTING to know the parents. if i didn't like the parents or got a bad vibe then i'd say no.

but for the most part they went, and had a lot of fun. i never had to pick a kid up in the middle of the night, but the option was always there.

what exactly is your safety concern?

i mean, can't you call the parents and ASK if there will be adults in the house? be courteous but frank and say 'i appreciate your invitation to marybelle but i always like to meet the parents of her friends before i agree to a sleepover. may i come over for a few minutes? i have some specific concerns i'd like to go over with you before i agree.' then be prepared with whatever your 'safety concerns' are. ask about dogs and swimming pools and guns. they might roll their eyes, but that's their deal. it's certainly okay to ask.

or just turn down the offer. if you've never allowed sleepovers up to this point and your 'safety concerns' encompass everything that might possibly happen, then you get to pick. it's your family.

i'm glad that i was always allowed sleepovers, and i was very lenient with sleepovers at our house or my boys going elsewhere. but you don't have to if you don't want to.

but then why even open the discussion?
khairete
S.

Personally, yes, I do think you are being overprotective. You're not alone and I do know a few other people that don't allow sleepovers ever. I also know some people that say not until a certain age, etc. But, truly I don't fully understand it. Is your safety concern that she will get molested? Did you get molested at a sleepover, is this where your concerns are coming from? I'm not being smart, I'm really curious, because otherwise I don't really see another major safety concern. Guns are a safety concern for sure, but that can be addressed with a few simple questions to the parents.

As far as getting to know both parents. Ideally, yes you should do that, but is it realistic? I mean my husband works a ton and I do mostly all of the pick up, drop off, and scheduling of all playdates, birthday parties, etc. It's not that he doesn't want to get to know people, but it's significantly more difficult, so yeah, I trust that if people know me, they can trust us both.

I would let my kid go. I speak to my kids frequently about unsafe practices, including molestation, guns, bullying, etc. I do not know that if faced with one of these things that they would respond the ways we have practiced but I have to trust that they are listening and trying hard. I have to give them some freedom or they will never know their limits. And at the end of the day I hope and pray that they will come to me if something unsafe occurs.

Whatever you decide, you need to decide your rules going forward and you need to make your expectations clear so your daughter knows what's coming.

Edited to Add:
I do want to say that something I didn't mention is cell phone/device usage. I would be concerned about that. My children do not and will not have cell phones anytime soon and kids at this age (my DD is also 10) frequently use their phones for all kinds of things. I do not think it would be unreasonable to ask the hosting parent what her/their rule is on cell phones during the party.

Ponder this. Heaven forbid something aweful were to happen at that party, the same people on here telling you that your fears are unreasonable would be bashing you for poor judgement. Your concerns are valid. There's no reason for You to feel comfortable leaving your daughter in an environment that you are not fully aware of. The dad may be wonderful, or he may be a pervert. He may smoke. There may be a unsecured gun in the house. Sleepovers are a ton of fun that I would reserve for besties whose mom and dad you are fully comfortable with. You have also come up with a awesome compromise, that your daughter might agree with once she cools off some.

I'm not sure. I wasn't comfortable letting my kids go sleep over at a friend's house if they hadn't even been there to visit/play. How close can she be with the birthday girl if she's never even been to her house? A sleepover seems like something to work up to as you get closer to someone and more at ease with the family. Still it's a birthday party, so a normal experience for your daughter to get an invite.

Since you know the mom, have an honest conversation with her. Let her know your daughter has never slept over anywhere, and you aren't sure a party in a home new to her would work as her first sleepover. Let her know your daughter really wants to come, while you are struggling with allowing her. You can explain it's not personal, it's your daughter's lack of experience with overnights. See what she says. If she's sympathetic and offers anything to make you more comfortable, I may ask a few questions (supervision, adults, siblings in the house, etc) and consider allowing her to go if the conversation helps put your mind at ease. You do have to go with your gut instinct sometimes. If it's still telling you no, say no.

Another thing I used to do is find out who else is going to the party. Maybe there is another friend whose mom you know well enough to ask about her experience and comfort level at the birthday girl's house. Maybe another family you feel good about has had their kid sleep over successfully at birthday child's house, so kind of like a trusted reference. On the other hand, if you don't know any of the other girls or their families, that would not put me at ease

If you need to say no, you can soften the blow by telling your daughter it's no for now, not no forever. And kind of map out a logical plan for her to have a safer sleepover. Maybe host one special friend at your house. If it goes well, maybe she can work up to accepting sleepover invites (within your parameters) in the near future.

She's 10. Yes, you are being overprotective.

I think that you need to limit what you say to your daughter. My parents wouldn't let me have sleep overs when I was a kid. They told me that they didn't know if the parents drank. And that's what I told my friend and she told her mom. Oh boy...

Just tell her point blank that she isn't old enough for it and leave it at that. This way she isn't parroting your "safety concerns" and she isn't making her friend's mother feel like you think her husband is a pedophile.

Yes, I would let her go.

You've already got lots of responses, but I would add: would you let her sleep over at a house where you knew the parents well? No? Then it has nothing to do with whether you know the parents well or not. If you WOULD let her sleep over if you knew the parents well, then get to know them. Invite them over for coffee or drinks, or meet up with them somewhere that your girls are doing an activity together. Otherwise, when is this magical "some point [when] these things will happen"? I suggest you set fair but very clear rules for your daughter so that she knows what to expect from you. Otherwise you risk confusion and resentment. GL.

There are some moms that feel this way. If you don't know these people why are you even letting your child be friends with them? If she's going over to play dates there she is as much at risk during that time as she would be if she was going to a sleepover.

Keep her home and that way you can supervise her yourself.

There is nothing wrong with being cautious. Like you said, you do not know the family very well. Working with someone does not mean you know them. Don't feel bad for keeping your kid safe.

My son's won't be going to any sleep overs. I don't want to say Never, but for not it's never. But I might let my house be the fun house and let them invite kids to sleep over. I would have to really know someone and have spent time at their house getting to know them, while they have also spent time at my house getting to know me.

In my family 10 years old is the benchmark for sleepovers. My role as a parent is help my child be confident and spread their wings. At 10 they should have enough communication skills to be able to speak up for themselves. If I have taught them to speak they they should be able to do that even to adults and other children. If my child isn't confident in that area then perhaps I will let it hold for a little while longer but in general sleepovers begin at 10.

I don't know your daughter so I can't say that I would or wouldn't let her go based on her person but worrying about the father in that house is not necessarily rationale on your part.