Am I Asking Too Much?

Whatever the reason is that she wants to do it herself, they are HER children, her decision. Respect that.
L.

I think it is wonderful that you have had the desire and opportunity to be so involved with your grandchildren; however, you do need to respect her right to take over and do as she wishes. She does not need to be "accountable" to you. Whether or not she has the best lesson plan, it is still her right to choose how she raises and teaches her children. I know that can be a tough pill to swallow, especially if you really believe you have a better grasp of education. Don't ruin your relationship over it. Be it good or bad, the homeschool laws in Texas are very lenient. You need to trust in her and your son to decide on what is best for their children. As far as nursery rhymes, manners and things like that, I don't really think those need to be a part of the "school curriculum." They are things that are simply incorporated into daily life. That is one benefit of homeschooling - a parent doesn't need to waste valuable school time teaching things that should already be a part of everyday life. If you don't push your ideas on her, she will probably come back to you for advice and guidance here and there. If you let this become an issue, she will never come back to you.

I'm a mom to a 3 year old and I think nursery rhymes are very important and I'm very pleased that my son's preschool teaches them the nursery rhymes (he came home singing Baa Baa Black Sheep 2 days ago). We certainly sing and read them at home too.

However, that said, it's your daughter-in-law's decision. The only thing you can do is expose them to those things when they spend time with you. That's one of the best things about grandparents anyway... the fact that your kids get exposed to different things when with their grandparents.

Hi Linda, I am a grandmother also and I understand your concerns. There is great value to the nursery rhymes in developing the memory and social skills are the one thing greatly lacking in many children that are home schooled. Health, science and manners are a big part of school. There is a lot that goes into a well rounded child that is why they are in school so many hours. Your a teacher. However the decision, right or wrong, belongs to your daughter-in-law. Keep praying!!!! Give it to God. And God bless you for touching all the lives of the children you have taught through the years.

I'm with you, I think they need well rounded education, and exposed to lots of things. Too many, not all home schools are too narrow and (protected) from the outside world. We don't like some of the outside world, but it will be a shock when they grow up and leave home to see if they can't even learn a nursery rhyme now. I know I am being a little overboard here, but you get my drift.

Nursery Rhymes may be a little much for the 7 yr old but for the 5 year old it is a GREAT way to introduce them to Poetry as a form of Literature.
She has a problem with them learning Health, Science, and Manners? Oh my! Manners SHOULD be taught at home, and since she is "homeschooling" it makes perfect sense to include them in her lesson plans. Health and Science are a given. These kids will NEED to know these things to take a college entrance exam. Even the kids on "Little House on the Prairie" were exposed to some form of Health and Science. I recently read an article about home-school students. A shocking discovery was made. While home-schooled students appear to excel in over most traditionally schooled children, they fall way behind in Science. Why is this? The home-school curriculum for science have been very week.

Unfortunately, Texas does not mandate WHAT is taught in home-school and she can choose what she teaches.

Best of Luck!
D.
SAHM mom of three: 19,18,and 5.
Home Baker and Crafter. Married to the same wonderful man for almost 12 years.

I understand where you're coming from and since your DIL asked you to help in the 1st place, then I don't think its unreasonable or meddling to give her your opinion.
Being a teacher takes skill,schooling,and experience. It's not something one can successfully do just because they are a mother.
These are not preschoolers we are talking about here. They are 5 and 7 so hopefully you're DIL knows what she is doing because it would be a shame for them to fall behind. This is the age where reading and math comes into play. This is also the age where they start building friendships which is imperative to their social development. Hopefully she is involving then in some type of environment where they can make friends with others their own age. Not just a one day friend they meet in the park one day, but real friends they see regularly. I still have friends that were in preschool with me believe it or not. Its wonderful. Lifetime friends are like family. :-)

Hi Linda. I now homeschool my kids (15,10,7 & 3). For the younger 3 I plan the curriculum and activities so I know the work that is put into it. I have to commend you for your volunteering in this aspect.
In Texas what is required to be covered is: Math, Reading, Writing, Language Arts and Character Development. Nursery Rhymes are a good learning tool for memorization, and language arts. My sons did a lot of Nursery Ryhmes in Kindergarden (often changing the words to introduce new topics) but not so much in 1st grade.
That being said, you're dd wants to try in on her own, let her. But let her know, you're here to help still. Or you can request that you cover 1 or 2 subjects and she can to the rest. If she says no, let her try out her wings.
If you still want to help, I know I could use it! lol
K.

I think, in a way, you ARE asking too much. Your daughter-in-law is the mother. She should be the one teaching them unless she comes to YOU to ask otherwise. The way your request was worded, makes me wonder how much your daughter-in-law was working with you in order to keep the family peace, so to speak. You sound as if you are the principal who she, as the teacher answers to, except that she doesn't even make the plans. Would you have stood for that as a teacher? How would you have felt as a teacher who's principal obviously has very little confidence in her teacher?

I do understand your thinking since I was a teacher before becoming a sahm . I think your grandchildren will be fine. You need to relenquish control of that situation. Step back and just leave the door open to be an educational advisor. That way you will be able to be an asset to your grandchildren's education. If your daughter-in-law knows she can come to your for advice, not direction or dictation on how she should educate her children, she will be much more likely to listen and be able to benefit from your experience.

It sounds to me like you have a kind of chip on your shoulder about all of this. You referred to yourself as a "real" teacher. That sounds pretty condescending. Many people have a gift for teaching, even if they don't have the degrees, certifications and 30 plus years of experience. I'm sure you ran into many teachers with all of those things that were horrible teachers too. My point is that all of that isn't what makes someone an effective teacher.

Don't take this situation personally. YOu and your daughter-in-law, no doubt both want them to be well rounded, smart children exposed to lots of fun things. You have an awesome opportunity here to be an integral part of these kids education still. Read those nursery rhymes, etc. to them when they are visiting with you. In the classroom, we often use more convenional means like workbooks etc., but there are so many more ways to more effectively educate children.

Good luck and I hope things work out. It sounds like if you can swallow your pride, you guys could be an awesome team to the benefit of your grandchildren. Your grandchildren are lucky to have such an awesome, caring grandmother in thier lives.

I totally understand about wanting to go about teaching the "right" way. I started homeschooling my kids when they were about 2 and 3. During the preschool years, we did letters, colors, numbers... etc.

Then, as they got into "school" ages, we started doing workbooks geared toward their school grade.

As the years progressed, I would make adjustments along the way - changes that suited us as a family, not to mention my kids learning style.

Then, one day, I was sitting with my kids at the kitchen table teaching them from yet another workbook when I saw it in their eyes... the same look that every kids gets in school when they hate what they are doing and are bored off of their yahoo.

It was at that moment I knew we had to make a dramatic change. Otherwise, why HOMEschool them and not send them to public school?

We started UNschooling. It was the best decision I ever could have made. Unschooling is the total opposite of schooling. The kids basically decide what they want to learn - then I let them go to town on it. (Their freedom has come with earned trust and age.)

Because of this approach, my daughter has written several chapter books, has had close to 100,000 views on her videos she creates and put on youtube, and has won national awards for her poetry. My son has taken guitar playing to a grand level. He has several gigs lined up and has already played various places around the metroplex - for money! They both learn about business with what they are learning, they learn how to deal with society, how to teach themselves what they need to learn (not saying that I don't help them if they need it), they have written goals that they take steps to achieve and then create bigger goals, they are in the constant process of learning marketing, the list really could go on and on.

You might be wondering about the "other" school stuff. You know what? Even though they don't sit down and learn that stuff from a book - they learn it because they end up with questions that happen naturally. We sit and talk about it - then they got it. I have no idea how they learned multiplication, but they know it. I vaguely remember a conversation with my son about science things, but I heard him teaching his sister it the other day. We talk history and politics at the table when we eat supper. It has been happening a lot lately - probably because of the election.

My point being, kids will learn NO MATTER WHAT when given the right environment. Maybe your daughter-in-law is just going through a learning phase right now as to what she intuitively feels her kids need.

Don't feel that she is brushing you off. And, I think the things you planned out for them were great! The key point to remember is that homeschooling can (and should!) be totally different from school.

I think your experience as a teacher was/is a great comfort to your daughter-in-law as she was just starting out in homeschooling. It is not uncommon for homeschoolers to adjust their teaching style as they get to know how their children learn best. I went for a straight forward curriculum my first year of homechooling and as I became more comfortable, I adapted the teaching method as I discovered what worked best for my children. I agree with some of the other posters that you don't want to cause relationship problems over this. You will have more influence if she feels you are supportive overall (she'll be more apt to listen to you and consider what you say). Do you live close by? Have you asked her what ideas she has for their day (like you are interested in her ideas and not asking in order to critique)? Again, if she feels you are supportive she will be more apt to consider what you suggest. If she feels you have no faith in her judgement, she will most likely reject whatever you suggest.

You mentioned that you are a "real" teacher and perhaps she has picked up a sense that you feel she is not. Remember that "teach" means to impart knowledge or conduct instruction. I have been teaching my children for 10 years. My oldest is an honors student in college. I also have a daughter who is a high school senior (homeschooled) and is dual enrolled in college (with a 4.0 at the college). She will graduate in May with over 31 college credits. My in-laws were not very supportive and often told my children they were probably behind without even being around them much. Now they brag on how well they are doing. How wonderful it would have been if I had had their support instead of criticism throughout the past 10 years. I'm not saying you are doing this at all with your daughter-in-law. I just hope you are able to have a close relationship and be a supportive part of their learning process.

In your "about me" section you sound like you're on the right track. You try and guide rather than take over. That is an awesome way to continue to nurture and instruct even our adult children. Continual prayer is also the way to go. Stick with what you wrote and you will continue to be a great mom, mother-in-law and grandmother.

Linda,

I am also a "real" teacher. I have turned home school mom. There are lots of things that I did in a classroom setting that I do not do with my children at home. I do not teach health and manners, being at home, we discuss manners and health during teachable moments throughout the day and by habit. We brush our teeth, wash our hands, and take care in what we eat. All of this is habitual, you don't have to have a subject to teach it. You just tell a three year old that we brush our teeth to keep them clean and healthy. We don't eat raw meat because we'd get sick, etc. These lessons are taught, they are just short and as needed. The same with manners. Please, thank you, sirs, and ma'ams are said regularly and modeled by myself as a parent. Proper phone manners are discussed while calling grandma. Don't just hang up on her, say, "It was nice to talk to you, good-bye." Then when it's time to call others the habits are there.

Science doesn't have to be structured at this age, either. We cook, take nature walks, and discuss things as we see them. Go to a creek and toss in sticks, leaves, and stones. What can you talk about? Gravity, buoyancy, experiment with what floats, sometimes by accident. Shoes don't float, but balls do. This year we've raised lady bugs, collected leaves, played with magnets, and just had fun. My three year old loves to notice the compass rose on maps and can tell you N, S, E, and W, as well as what they mean. We'll build more skills later, but he loves to show off when he sees this. There are several maps in "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader" that we are reading right now. He loves to go to those pages and show of for his Papa.

In homeschooling, learning and the love of it is integrated into every aspect of your life. It isn't always mapped out on paper, but it's there. The hardest thing for a classroom teacher is to learn how to be a home educator (speaking from experience). You have to be relaxed enough to let learning happen at these early ages. The textbooks and paper and pencil methods will be used more later. Upper elementary/Jr. High is the time for all that.

I recommend that you read up on Charlotte Mason. She has great ideas and applications of education. A great starting point is "For the Children's Sake" by Susan Schaeffer McCaulay. I am reading it right now. She quotes Charlotte Mason regularly and gives a good perspective on these early years.

I completely agree that it sounds like your approach was very appropriate, and those things are NOT irrelevant to your grandchildren's learning at all. Unfortunately, it seems as though your daughter-in-law does not feel the same way, and since she's the mom, there's really nothing you can do about that.

I would guess that since she's going to all the trouble of homeschooling, she too wants her children to be well-rounded and smart. You mentioned she wanted to take over "more creatively" so I would assume she wants them to learn lots of fun new things as well. My guess is that you and she both have the same goal in mind. It's just your ideas on how to get there are different. With 37 years of teaching experience, your approach is tried and true, but thinking outside of the box in a creative way doesn't mean that she will fail at meeting the ultimate goal. There are many paths to getting to the same place.

I say just say let it go and don't worry about it too much. You said in your "A little about me segment" that you "try to guide rather than take over". At this point, if you try to push the issue, you won't be living up to that mantra. I would say just be there for her if and when she has questions. I would think your daughter-in-law would not mind if you "teach" your grandchildren your way when they are in your care. But you shouldn't try to sabotage your daughter-in-law's efforts either. Again, there is more than one way to get to the same place. :-)

Blessings,
N.

I've been a homeschool mommy for 18 years now for my 10 children. I've had much success, as my oldest totally homeschooled son was accepted into Georgetown University in Washington DC, and is now at Virginia law school. He scored in the top one percent in the LSAT. My other children are doing well, too.

I think maybe your daughter in law now has some confidance in herself, and is ready do things her way. I know that I also have a very unconventional approach to homeschooling, and a 'real teacher' would probably cringe at the way I teach. But I am successful at it. We don't do a lot of things like science and nursery rhymes in the very beginning, either. We concentrate on learning to read very well, and once that's accomplished, we take off from there. I use very few textbooks, only math and sometimes English. I do have textbooks as a resouce type thing, and they are certainly allowed to read them if they want.
I buy my children song tapes with the songs, nursery rhymes and things that I would like them to learn, and we play it sometimes. They know many songs, including some really nice hymns - my two year old foster daughter could sing Amazing Grace, and it was beautiful!
So relax, be ready to give advice to your DIL if she asks, and if you are nice about this, she probably will.

By the way, I have grandchildren too. One daughter homeschools, the other one sends her children to public school. I watch them all, and if I think there is something lacking, like maybe there are books that I wish they would read, or something, then I cheerfully and without saying much, give them what I wish they had. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't! Why not give your grandchildren some nursery rhyme tapes for Christmas this year? And a cute manners book, my children have several that I read to them, sometimes at school time, sometimes just a reading time.

My son (5) is in his second year of public school (PK last year, K this year) - The only nursery rhymes he has been exposed to are the ones we read at night when he picks that book before bed. I don't think they're crucial. He reads extremely well, and can read any Dr.Seuss book you put in front of him.

The reason that most people home school is because they don't want their kids taught the 'traditional' way. Then they doubt their own ability and let 'real teaching' take over, and they're not happy with the result so they go back to public (or private) school.

I think that you and your daughter share similar ideas of what you want them to accomplish - you just have different ideas of how to get them there. Given the fact that she gave birth to them - and raised them - she gets to ask you for your advice and then take what she wants and decide the rest. It's the order God gave things.

S.

I think, since it's her kids, you are sorta forced to follow her wishes. But, I also think that (well, hope that) she can recognize what a valuable resource you are. My opinion is that you can ask her if she wants to know why you have suggested the curriculum and topics that you did. If it is just "because that's what I always taught" chances are you will be met with some resistance. If you can give her concrete examples, like "Nursery Rhymes help kids learn rhythm, meter, rhyming words, etc." then maybe she will see your point of view or even recognize the value of that subject but choose to teach her kids those concepts in a different way. Like I said, try to offer her your experienced point of view, but when it comes down the the end result try to be understanding if she just wants to do it her own way. That said, if she never takes your advice and always does it her own way, but keeps asking for your advice, I might say something like, "It doesn't seem like you ever put my ideas into practice. How is my advice helping you, exactly?" I'm just saying... help your grandkids, but don't do it to the point of frustrating yourself.

Linda,
That is great that you are there as a support and wealth of information and experience to help your daughter in law. Perhaps at first she thought it would be harder... and now realizes it's not as difficult as she first thought. I would suggest just letting her do it on her own.

Things such as nursery rhymes and manners and such are things you can teach a child anytime. You can work on these when they are over visiting. Manners should be an ongoing teaching opportunity anyway. Science, this should be a part of a curriculum but this also can be incorporated in a day to day conversation. Perhaps when they roll a ball across the floor- good opportunity to teach about kinetic energy and such. We have opportunities all the time to teach our children different things- but the best part is when they don't even realize they are "learning".

You are doing a great job of being a grandma- now you will have more free time to do so. And your prayers covering your children and grandchildren are more important than any lesson plan anyway.
Be blessed,
D.

She may be using that as an excuse to put more space between you and her. She wants to influence her children, her way, and that's between her and her husband.

Your curriculum sounds valid and important, that's not the issue. Her space/influence is... she may have felt like she had to be too accountable.

So I would just say to her "I hope I didn't offend you or anything, I only want to make it easier for you. I am happy to let you go it on your own. If you need anything, let me know. I am here to support you."

Hi Linda,

It is wonderful how much of your time and expertise you were willing to give to your family. I would have loved to have had that much support at the beginning of our homeschool journey. The beginning can be daunting and overwhelming and sometimes even frightening.
Now to your question: Are you asking too much? That depends on what you mean. Is expecting some appreciation for your time and effort too much? No. You are to be commended. It is a marvelous sacrifice. Are all the subjects you included in your curriculum too much? Maybe. One of the aspects of homeschooling that I find most exciting is it's flexibility. I have the ability to tailor the curriculum to each child or to even our family needs. Sometimes we are more structured and use more traditional classroom methods. Sometime subjects do not require a formal lesson. Needs change from time to time. Certain subjects that are irrelevant now, could be of utmost importance tommorrow.
Actually, I believe you can find the best answer to your question. I suggest you use your considerable research abilities and learn about homeschooling. A search on Google will provide a mountain of information. Also, it might be enlightening to find out your dil's goals, philosophy, and/or reasons behind her choice to homeschool. If nothing else, you could gain a new perspective.
Good luck.

You have a wonderful opportunity to just be their grandmother! Your daughter has specific ideas, and as your daughter, she's probably picked up more of your methods than you think. Teach all your grandchildren the wonderful peoms and nursery rhymes when they are with you. They'll remember them and associate them with your love and attention. Remember, the apple never falls far from the tree!

She should appreciate the affort you're putting into the subject-matter for your grandchildren. I wish more teachers today considered such. Kudos to you! unfortunately, it's the children who miss out...