It seems the closer to 3 we get, the worse the behavior problems are. I used to be able to tell Jesse, if you continue not listening to me, I am going to take that toy, or you aren't going to be able to go where you want to, or you will sit in timeout. Before this worked really well, now, he says things like, "take my toy," "I don't want to go there anyway," "put me in timeout." It's like he is doing reverse psychology on me. What do I do in this situation? I just don't know what else to do, I am at a loss. If anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it.
Hi D.,
I feel for you!!! lol!
Here's what we do: no threats: we just take the toy, or put him in time-out the first time. Works like a charm
t
Follow through with your words. My 3 year old went through this stage as well. He continued to tell me the same things your son is. I always followed through with my words and took the toy away or didn't go to that place and luckly the stage passed quickly. I always made sure that it was an option to not go to the places before I told him that we won't go there if you don't.... I contstantly keep my eyes open for good behavior as well, so I can compliment him. I think he was looking for attention and when he got it more for his good behavior he seemed to listen to directions well again. He was having multiple time outs a day and now they are rare. I hope this helps, good luck!
My daughter will be 3 in August and she's doing the exact same thing. I follow through. She'll say "I want to go to timeout," so instead of waiting for her to do the thing I don't want, she goes straight to timeout, or I take away the toy right away. I want her to know that she needs to do/not do what I am telling her to do/not to do, and that it's not okay to engage in this battle with me.
However, sometimes when I am asking her to do something and she really doesn't want to, I'll give her a choice of two things I need her to do, and it gives her a little power so she is not so reluctant. Good luck!
Have you ever followed through on your threats? Take the toy, dont go to the park, put him in time out. He is checking to see if you mean what you say. My son did this at four. He started to scream and yell, throw things. I told him everything he throws he will get taken away.
He kept it up even after I took something away. So I kept at it until his room had nothing but his bed and the things on the walls. He was shocked and said sorry but I didnt give it all back to him. He had to earn it all back. Even his quilt that i made for him. That was the first thing he earned because he knew he couldnt sleep with out it. I took 2 weeks for him to have it all back.
So now if he throws something I will tell him I will take it and he knows I will. Some days he will just bring it to me.
Hi, D. -
It's a power struggle, and it will pass. When he says "go ahead, put me in time out", do just that. He doesn't really want to go, he's just trying to take control. Same way with toys. "Go ahead, take my toy"... say "thank you, I will", and follow through. He'll eventually figure out that he needs to comply with the rules. Good luck.
My boy did the EXACT same thing and almost a year later, he still does it off and on. Another mom told me that even though he was choosing the consequence, he was still understanding that if he wanted something, he had to behave a certain way. So, I just keep taking the toy away, putting him in time out, etc. Little by little, it's been better. Now he tells me, "I didn't (whatever it is) so I don't go in timeout". I think that's progress!
B.
Hi D.,
You have discovered one of the most beautiful things about kids. They get more experience and adapt. Your boy sounds pretty smart. He has found a way to neutralize your leveraging efforts (consequences/punishment).
I was wondering...have you tried following through anyway? Does he care? Or does he continue the tactic? It sounds like he might continue just to "win". He sounds like his counterwill is strong.
You are going to need a complete strategy change in order to throw him off, and take the pressure off yourself too.
I highly recommend Love and Logic or Proactive Parenting websites. They sell stuff (CD's books), but they have free articles for you to see what you might be doing differently instead.
One of the problems with both rewards and punishment is that they can backfire. (Yes, rewards too). There is too much to write about here...but child development researchers and educators have noticed that there are quite a few caveats to using positive and negative consequences to shape behavior.
In summary, I think you need to find a way to get your son "on your side". Try to find something that helps you work together to problem solve whenever possible. (It may not ALWAYS be possible.) Maybe check out that book How to Talk So kids Will Listen. Or similar titles/themes.
I have the most success w/ my 3 year old when he is productive. Let him help you do things. Let him choose too, when possible. Give him two viable choices (both of which you are ok with) For example, we're going to get ready to go to the store, do you want to wear your sneakers or your boots? He will start to feel like he has control over some things.
I have a 10 year old, 7 year old, 2 year old and 10 month old and my experience is that 3 is definately the hardest age! Too young to really understand consequences but old enough to manipulate. I am a big book reader and some of my favorite parenting books are 1,2,3 Magic; Dare to Discipline; Creative Correction (written by the actress who was Blaire on The Facts of Life). Good luck and keep in mind that is gets better every year! 8 is my favorite age so far :)
My twins were like that. I hit a point it was either listen to me, or you get in trouble. I didn't give them a choice in anything especially when they weren't behaving. When they were good, I'd let me pick a place we could go like the park, or the swimming pool. The big key to ANY disipline is the follow through. You don't follow through, they know they can get away with anything. Remember, your a parent first and then a friend/playmate. Some people might not agree with me, but I had twin, and at 4 I could take them out to eat by myself, they would pick there meal and sit and color. While the 3 or 4 yr old at another talbe was trying to get up, yelling, creaming.. not listening. Good luck :)
My husband and I agree that our son did not go through the terrible two's. We felt like the luckiest parents alive. Then he turned 3....I remember thinking that he was using reverse psychology on me. I just stood my ground. I use the term "sit by yourself" instead of time out. He uses the phrase time out for games, so I knew that it wouldn't work. I would sit him by himself in an area where I could see him, but where he was alone. He hated it but knew that he had to behave in order to avoid that place. For the most part, it was effective. The phase did pass. Hopefully your son's phase will go quickly. Just stand your ground and try not to let him see that he is getting to you. Good luck.
They say that 3 is the new 2, LOL!
My site ProActive Parenting is full of ways to accomplish the type of cooperation you're looking for. We do this by using discipline, not punishment.
Take a look at my site, www.proactiveparenting.net to see if there is anything you think will help.
May I suggest seminar #2; Correcting Preschoolers, and Seminar #8 Self Control.
They have wonderful methods in them to change the developmental stage of defiance that occurs in 3 year olds.
Good luck, The Mommie Mentor.
They tell you about "Terrible Two's" but they leave out "Trying Three's" and "Frustrating Fours". I think the easy years are behind you. But the most rewarding are everyday.
check out loveandlogic.com. this parenting style is great! instead of telling your children what to do, give them choices and let them decide. this will give them a sense of empowerment and independence while letting you keep you cool state of mind. it will also provide your children with their own ability to make their own choices as they get older and have to face issues like peer pressure!
