After 18 - Sandy,UT

My job is only done when I am in the grave or they are.
I am the parent. My 21 year old calls and asks for recipes and money help. I call my mom and ask her advice on house decorating and other things.
We call Grandma for recipes, still.
My husband will call his dad with technical computer questions and workship ideas.
THe job never ends, it evolves.

My job is never done. My oldest just left for bootcamp on Monday. It was such a bittersweet time and I am still crying off and on. I am proud of him and know it is for the best for him to move on...but he still has a lot of life to live and a lot of things to learn. He still needs me...just needs me in a different way. I will always be there for him and support him and my 2 younger ones. That doesn't mean enabling them to be irresponsible or not grow up....but I will be there - ALWAYS, just like my parents are there for me, even at age 44!

My children will forever be my children, and I will always be here for them, but if they need a push out of the nest, I would consider it my job as their mother to give it to them.

I'm definitely glad my own mom didn't consider herself done once I turned 18. She also didn't consider herself done once I was done with college. I am definitely very independent now, but I don't know what I would do if I couldn't turn to her when I need help or guidance or something else of the sorts.

I think the day my job will be done, will be the day I go to heaven. I'll always be there to support them emotionally. As far as financially, I will help to pay for college and after that I expect them to basically financially support themselves, but if needed I will help them if I'm able.

If they choose to go off on their own, then they will be responsible for financially supporting themselves. But they will always have a place to return to if necessary as long as they agree to live by my rules while in my house, which include a job, chores, and respect.

At our house we set boundaries and follow the adult child's lead as to how much dependence they actually want/can handle. You are talking about a person that is of legal age legally, but that does not mean they are emotionally ready to be on their own completely. You offer help within your comfort zone, but you relinquish control, as this is an adult. In other words if I chose to help my son with a monetary gift this does not give me the right to tell him what to do with that money.

We put our kids through college and offered a small allowance. Anything beyond that is out of their pockets.

I would allow my son to live at home temporarily if he were working or in school. Doing something productive that will move him forward.

I have a son out on his own. He works hard and supports himself. But we help with his phone bill and insurance until he can manage. We expect raises to put him where he will need to be in a couple of years.

Our opinion is if they are doing the "right" things in an effort to learn and grow and take care of themselves then why not help?

I feel your job is done with certain things. New jobs enter as the child gets older. You giving sound advice is never done. I have older children and It seems like I am helping them out in some way. But I love to be involved with them. Next faze will be marriage and children of their own. Then a new job of giving more advice about children and watching them. So to simply answer your question. No its never done. ; )

Your job as a parent is to prepare them to launch by 18. You are no longer legally responsible for them so they have to be responsible for themselves. If you havent programmed them for adulthood and they dont have any time limit they would stay home forever to be taken care of.
If they are going to school or have started a job and getting on their feet and you dont mind them living at home that is a personal decision. I believe the sooner they know how to make their way in the world the better off they are. Crippling them by being their cash cow after they become adults is not the right thing to do in my opinion. I think a lot of parents don't want their kids to grow up because they wont know what to do with themselves so they don't push the kids to excel, they always tell them "you wont make it out there on your own" thus crippling them and keeping them too afraid to launch.
Children need goals and that brass ring to reach for... if you havent given them that curiosity and the yen for their own independence from you then you fail them. jmo

It really depends on the kid in question.
My Mom's rule was you could live at home as long as you were going to school and working and contributing to the household.
I kept up my grades, worked work-study jobs and cleaned house, mowed the lawn and shoveled the driveway depending on the season.
I left home when I finished collage and got a job in my profession.
My husband left home when he went to college after graduating high school and he never moved back home.
My sister, on the other hand, went nuts.
She quit college, took up with a pot smoking boyfriend (Mom found pot in her room) and actually did damage and sabotaged/broke things around the house when ever she felt she'd been insulted (real or imagined).
My Mom had to put her out of her house when she turned 18.
She ended up doing alright (it was amazing how fast the pot-head boyfriend dropped her once there was nothing to sponge off of anymore) (finally got a degree, became a CPA, got married, has a daughter, 2 dogs and 3 cats and is a stay at home Mom now), and she and my Mom get along fine now
but my sister still feels my Mom ruined her life.
Sometimes helping is enabling. If someone is on a road to self destruction any help you give them enables them to continue self destructive behavior.
When my sister was struggling holding down 3 crappy part time jobs and renting a room, my Mom would drop off care packages of food/groceries. But my sister couldn't come home and my Mom wouldn't give her money.

These days, most jobs that pay a living wage don't hire 18 year olds. I think the practical reality of life is that many of us will continue to house, feed and give career development help (helping to pay for college, giving guidance, or using our established career connections to help them land entry level positions) to our children into their mid 20's. By 18 they should contribute to the household and have the respect to follow house rules.

My job will never be done and I will always be here to be supportive of my kids - but my children will be expected as adults to live with the choices they make. In the other question you are referencing the 'child' was 20 and had been given multiple chances and warnings and did nothing - at some point you have to stop wiping their noses and let them face the consequences of their actions. Practicing tough love with a repeatedly irresponsible adult child is a far cry from turning your back the moment they turn 18.

My opinion: your children are always your children. You are never done.

They have to take more responsibility for their day to day lives, but by no means are you done. I think that thought came from way back.....when 18 year olds got married and started their own farm with their new wife and started a family.

With college, the high cost of living, complex and changing job markets, etc....
I don't think we can be done when kids are 18. Life is too complex and they continue to need guidance.
Also, not every person acts like an adult when they are 18 just b/c they hit the magic day.

Not interference or running their lives, but guidance...when they ask for it.

We give our college freshman lots of space because he has earned it and has proven to be a responsible adult. He works, get A's in college and hangs out with a good group of kids. He cleans up, does his laundry, buys his own stuff, runs his younger sibs around when I need help and is home when he says he'll be home.
We rarely step in, but when he has a problem, he'll call us from school to talk about it. Like, "Mom, I think someone took my sheets from the washer in the laundry room.....what do I do?"

All I know is this: I'm a grown woman with kids of my own, and I'm still glad that my mom is my mom. Yes, our relationship has evolved, but if I ever need someone to "take care of me" she's the one person that I can always count on to do that. It would pain me deeply if my kids didn't feel the same way.

I can't imagine this job ever being "done."

LOL my mom still calls me on snowy days and tells me to bundle up and drive careful, I'm in my late 30s. LOL I don't think motherhood is something you can turn off.

No. You are a parent from the time you child starts growing (before birth) until you or the child pass away ("from the cradle to the grave") in my opinion. You day to day parenting roles and responsibilities will change but once a parent, always a parent.

As they grow, you teach them, help guide them, and learn to let go. You have to raise your children to be responsible adults and then let them succeed or fail on their own...while being there to help them if/when they need you...sometimes when they don't want you to be and sometimes not until they want you to be.

Every parent and every child is different and so is each relationship so there is no one right way to do it. Some kids need more hands on as a child and not as a teen and others the reverse.

Well, I am 33 and I lived at home til I was 26. My parents would have never kicked me out of the house. I also was a single mom though. My daughter will be 18 in 4 years. I won't kick her out either. And I won't cut her off. I will make sure she is working and (hopefully) going to college, but I will help her out if she needs it.

My kids are much younger so maybe I'll change my mind but my initial reaction is no way! At 18, people can't even legally drink. My MIL is so proud of the fact that they never gave my husband another dime after he turned 18 but I don't think that's something to be so proud of. My parents were certainly still a huge part of my life after I turned 18. I can see parents who have incredibly ungrateful children though using 18 as a threshold to cut them off if they don't start being productive citizens. It may be the only way to wake-up some kids. But overall, I don't subscribe to planning to cut kids off when they turn 18 as some magical number that now a parent's job financially or emotionally is done. Why have kids then?

I think you're not "done," but your relationship changes. My mother is still my wonderful mother, there for advice and moral support, but she is no longer there to tell me what to do, approve or disapprove of my decisions, etc. After 18, your children are legally responsible for themselves - and so in a way, you are no longer responsible for them. Having said that, I was blessed with parents who took care of me financially through college, and are there for me now not only as my parents but as my children's grandparents. They aren't responsible for me, but their job isn't done. ^_^

As my dad would say: "Not only NO, but HELL NO!!!"
My son is still quite young, but I will NEVER stop parenting him! I am his MAMA! My "job" (as you call it) will NEVER be done! I am glad my parents think the same way also, because if not for them, Lord only knows where I would be right now. I am so thankful for them!

The latest brain research proves the brain is not fully develpoed and 'mature' until somewhere around 25 years old. 25 YEARS until a person is mature! Looking back on my life, I fully believe it!! 18 may be the legal age to vote and be drafted, but that doesn't make you a (WO)MAN!! At 21 you can legally drink, but how many 21-year-olds do you know with sound judgement? (Sorry if I offend anyone under 21....I might have been offended myself at that age. Experience is a wonderful teacher!)

But I digress. I think parenting is a LIFETIME COMMITMENT. I will be a mama for the rest of my life, even if I outlive my son (or any other child(ren) with which the Good Lord may bless me.) I look forward to parenting my son at all ages, and I am glad my parents still do the same for me, even though I am closer to 40 than to 18. :o)

I think it depends on the situation. Ideally, no. If you are lucky enough to have a good child that is going on to college, or bettering themselves, however they choose, you can still have a big impact on them. If you have a child that is disrespectful, lazy and wants to mooch off you, then yes, your job of financially supporting them is over. The emotional relationship isn't necessarily over, though.

no way! my job will never end until i do. Even after i die i want to have money left behind to continue to help raise my girls. One day they might take care of me, but they never have to. I just pray that they will care for their own children the way i have taken care of them.

That doesnt mean i dont teach them independence though, thats part of caring for them.

and i know what post you are reffering to, i thought it harsh myself, i moved out young and was quite broke, came close to starving a few times, my dad was always there to fall back on, but i didnt take that decision lightly.

I have had friends and acquintances who tell me that their kids are cut off at age 18 and most people are not so strict on that point that their kids think they cannot come back for any assistance whatsoever. I think whatever you decide as far as financial support and even help with problem solving like helping them come up with solutions needs to be an ongoing discussion as the kids grow. I do not agree with telling a 17 year old that you are sick of their current behavior and they are out of there at age 18. I do however think this is a discussion that needs to start by the time they enter middle school at worst. I would start letting them know at that age what your plans are as far as school for them. Can they stay with you if they are in college? Do you have money saved for them, and if so how is that to be spent and what can you do with that? Do they have to meet a certain standard to get that money? It is far easier to have a kid who has been instilled with the importance of homework and working hard from an early age as opposed to telling your kid who barely made it through high school to go fend for themselves or (possibly worse) go succeed with your money at college when their high school grades show that is going to be difficult at best. I think every parent needs to make the support decision for themselves but start discussing it earlier instead of at the time

I am 50 and my mom is 87 and she still thinks she is not done, lol! I moved out at 17 since I wanted to be on my own. My sister stayed until she was 23 and my mom helped her find an apartment and helped move her to get her out. I think it depends on the child. However, in the post about the selfish son (and seeing my brother with his difficult son, not necessarily selfish, he has development issues on the highly functioning autism spectrum) there are limits to self preservation where if you feel it is detrimental to your own life and happiness, perhaps it is time to motivate them in a tough way. I am not sure I could pack up the kids car and change the lock, but I have not walked in that mother's shoes. We do plan to pay for their college as long as they make decent grades, perhaps starting at a local college to save us some money. But I don't think you ever feel they are no longer your kids.

No, you don't exactly cut them off, but in truth it really depends on how the individual kid is doing at 18. Sometimes if they are out of control, you kind of have to cut them off, as per the recent question about Selfish Son. One of my favorite sayings, especially as it applies to kids, is, "Necessity is the mother of invention." As example, the son of Selfish Son, got a job and a place to live when he was kicked out with the locks changed. When certain kids remain coddled, they remain infants.

So it really depends on the kid and how much they have earned and how much they deserve. But you always worry about them.

I love Grandma T's comment about them needing that brass ring to reach for. Very true. Her whole answer is right on.

And Laurie A.'s approach is perfect for a highly motivated, well-adjusted child, which she has.

My DD is 23 (about to be 24), and my DS is 19. DD went off to college after HS and I ridiculously thought I was done. So, I wasn't checking grades, and although I was checking in regularly, expected her to do her HW and all the other stuff. I had taken out PLUS loans because I believe it is my responsibility to help my kids at least financially thru college. Unfortunately, DD was out there having a blast and failed every class. She's now in the Services and helping me pay off the loans. She's become more financially responsible, and we're closer than ever. She doesn't need my help financially, but she still needs me emotionally.

DS is also in college but was more driven than his sister so he got scholarships and has been paying his way, although I'm covering his off-campus rent. It's funny that he doesn't think he lives here anymore and feels uncomfortable in his own room when he's home for the holidays. He wants so desperately to be financially independent but he can't be right now (not working because he's in the marching band which is what funds the scholarship). I think it's my job to help my kids make a way for themselves. Now if they're 26 and still living at home with no job (intentionally) that's a whole other ball of wax.

Our daughter is in college and is 20. She lives on campus out of state and comes home for Christmas and the Summer. She is still dependent for our financially support, because there is no way she could attend college full time and be able to financially support herself. She is a double major on the deans list. She is on grants and scholarships and earns spending money for the year during the summer.

She is also on our health insurance.

She is now considering her options for after graduation, 2012. Will she attend graduate school or will she get a job and try saving up to move out. We told her she will always have a room here, but she will always need to either be in school or have a job.

My husband and I have discussed that if she has a job and wants to live at home, we will figure out a fair amount for her to pay us for rent, but we will not tell her this, we will place that money in savings and give it back to her when she has on her own saved enough to get her own place.. This will be a nest egg for her.

We do not provide "going out money".. I do give her some money for clothing and some necessities, but she is very careful with money, so we actually have saved money while she has been in college..

When I was 18 I went away to college, but then decided to marry my husband, I was 20 and he was 21.. His parents told him once he was married he was on his own.. My mom said if we ever needed anything she would do her best to help us.

We NEVER asked his parents for money.. We did ask my mom for a few small loans and paid her back.. At one point we were really struggling and his parents told us they did not understand why we never asked for their financial help.. Duh, when they told us we were on our own, we took that for the law.. Anyway, we still do not ask them and they still think it is strange.

Each family is different. Our goal for our daughter was to help her get through college. We want her to have the best education she could get. She is doing the work and so we provide the transportation and her living expenses on campus.

I do not know any parents in our group of friends or relatives that just told their kids, you are 18, so get out, you are now on your own. They do not have the earning ability to get jobs to afford a place to live, transportation and living expenses, much less, health insurance.

No, of course not! I think there are a few parents out there who do think that way including my own. My mother made both of my older sisters go into the military upon graduation from high school. I didn't do that and by the age of 21 she was pressuring me to move out, and stated that she "never thought I would live there till I was that old. My mother had remarried when I was 16 and I was not a part of the wedding and neither were my two older sisters because we were told that "He is not going to be your father," yet my two younger sisters were both in it. Her mindset was that when you are 18 you are on your own. When my two younger sisters grew up my mom couldn't wait for them to get out too. Now she lives by herself and is again getting remarried.
On the flip side, I know another family who loved their children very very much and were afraid of the lifestyles they were choosing. They had 4 children two older and two younger. When the two older children started setting very bad examples for the two younger children they were warned to stop. The two older children did not heed the warnings from their parents and one day came home to find all their belongings out on the back porch. It's a very tough choice for parents to make, but I believe whole heartedly that the parents did the right thing by their children in this case. There comes a time in life where they need to make reasonable and responsible decisions and if they don't I DON'T think it's the parents duty or responsiblity to fix it and take care of them.

My son isn't 18... so this is only speculation:

Nope.

In our family we have a big tradition of "paying things forward". For example: We have a family trust for down payments of a first house. ANYONE is welcome to use it, but it has to be repaid in full with interest upon sale of the home or by right around 10 years. The interest isn't "set". The average is 7%. But it's expected that "as you take, so shall you give". Meaning 2 of my Uncles both used the trust for their first homes, and they both did very well. Both repaid into it over 100% of the original loan. The "deal" with family money is that you take care of your own immediate family first, and then you contribute in whatever way you see fit into the larger family.

We help each other. As kids, adults, elderly. We take people into our homes as they age, or pool cash for best care possible. The younger generation isn't expected to contribute financially , as they are still "starting off" but we do give our time and strong muscles... but the middle generation is expected to be helping both the older and younger to *their ability*. Money typically flows downhill, and time flows uphill.

This system works as long as everyone gives of themselves as they are able and honors their commitments. We know that *whenever* we need help, the family will be there for us.

This doesn't mean that ANY of us are stifled or dependent and incapable. I left home at 17 to join the military. People move thousands of miles away. We tend to be a rather independent and gregarious bunch. Certain branches of the family are quite wealthy, and certain branches are quite poor. It's not about how much we HAVE, it's about how much we love.

My husband's family is the opposite. Money flows uphill, and time is griped about. The younger generation is expected to support the older generations. It creates real hardship on young families just starting out. The squabble over money (even though many of them have MUCH more money than my family), over time, over obligations that are DEMANDED. Their family cuts kids off at 16 (when they can get their first legal job).

I like the way my family works better. So I see little reason to follow a different model.

My job will never be done with my son. He (hopefully) will be self sufficient and have his own life. However, I will always be his mother. I will always help, if needed. I will always listen and support. I'm not going to push him out the door and be done with him, no. I signed up to be a parent forever when he was born.

You are a parent for life. That isn't to say that we should be financially supporting of our 18+ y/o necessairily but emotionally and such I think we will always be needed. Although I think college has become such a necessity that we have decided that we would continue to help our children financially if they wanted to live at home and go to college, as long as they continue to follow our rules, and show respect for us.

If you cut off your kid(s) at 18 year old, prepare for them to cut you off also. So when your older and need help don't expect the kid(s) you cut off at 18 to be there because they will have emotionally disconnected and will remember how they were treated. You should be nurturing those relationships with your kids and nurturing the relationships with your future grandkids so that you have a more fulfilled life and so you have some options when you get old and sick.

Some parents do. Most parents don't. My mother couldn't wait till my sister was done with school before she took off with a truck driver to "find herself". Your "job" as a parent may be over around that age, because the kiddos should be reasonably independent, but the love, caring, mentorship, modeling behaviour should continue as long as you live.

My son is only 18 months old but i will always be there for him even after 18 he will still be my son and will help him any way i can.

I remember in High School being in an Adult Roles class talking about this... Once you have a child, you are a parent for the rest of your life. If you have created a positive relationship with them, they will always come back for advice, to talk about life, to borrow money (lol. I know I have had to do that with my parents and I'm SO grateful they were there for me when I needed them!!) And even a lot of kids after getting married and whatnot have ended up moving back in with their parents while trying to finish of school or while trying to get back on their own two feet again. Personally in my family, 4 out of 5 of my parents children at one point or another for different lengths of stay, have come back to live in their house for some time. Statistics have shown that that is NOT all that uncommon.
Anyway, that's my two cents. :)

Absolutely not! I don't care how old my children are, they will always be my children! My role may change, what they need or want from me may change but I will always be there as will my husband. I am 40 years old with 3 kids and a husband of 15 years and my mom is still my mom, my dad is still my dad. No they don't tell me what to do and where to go but they offer advice if I ask, sometimes if I don't. It is my choice to listen or not as an adult. I know I can count on them in an emergency to help us out.
I think it's cold and uncarring to boot your kids out the door the second the calendar says they are 18 years old. You can't get a job to make a decent living straight out of high school which is where you are in life at 18. At 18 you can't even rent a car, you can't drink alchol, you're not considered responsible enough. It makes no since.

I don't think your job is done, it just changes. Hopefully in those first 18 years we have instilled our values in our children so they will be successful, responsible adults. I will certainly support my kids, no matter how old they are, but I will not enable them to be moochers. Not once did I ever go back to my parents for money once I went to college. I worked full time, went to school full time and was very responsible with my money. I expect the same from my kids. Even though I never financially asked anything of my parents, they were and still are my parents. They have always supported me emotionally and helped me make important decisions.

If I felt as though my kids were taking advantage of me financially, then yes, I think there is a point around the 18 year old mark where it is acceptable to cut them off financially. They need to learn to make it on their own.

Honestly, IMO, you are a parent for life. While I won't be "raising" my children forever, I hope that I am a person they will come to for advice no matter what their age. I can't imagine not being their for my children, and I can't imagine what my life would be if my parents weren't there for me either.

Never done!

Just as Jane B and Lynn M have said in both of these posts....these are my children for my life. Who says 18 makes a person an "adult"?? Some law.....just as with milestones in infants, everyone is different developmentally. Some kids are just not there yet. And personally I don't feel most of us are truly grwon up until we are darn near 30!

At 34 I am still learning life lessons with my parents by my side. i am forever glad that they are there to teach me adn support me no matter how many times I "screw" up or how mean I may have sounded to them at one point. i am their child and they care for me unconditionally and would help me in any way possible. If you don't want to continue to financially support them after 18 fine, but don't walk away emotionally as well, that costs you nothing.

i would be heart broken if my kids didn't feel the same about us when they are 18 and older.

you are never really "done" with raising your child no matter how old they are. they are always going to need their parents just like you are always going to need them. especially once they become parants themselves. they will always look to you for advice and try to help them the best you can.

I don't think that your "job" as a mother is ever acctually done.
I'm 30 and I still need my mom for advise and emotional support and just to talk! Also, your average 18 year old is nowhere near ready to be totally alone in the world, emotionally or financially. You don't want to fall into the trap of financially supporting your child as an adult, but sometimes they will need a little help to get by and I think that there is nothing wrong with that, esspecially in this economy. 18 is really an arbitrary age to just be suddenly considered an adult with no need for guidence or help, and I tink it would be really sad to just say "I'm done with you, I have no obligation to you anymore" when a child reaches 18.

Absolutely Not. My children: not all of them were planned, more than one has been a "pleasant surprise." I know, though, planned or not, that having a child means you are a parent for life. The child needs you more than ever as they leave the nest and go out on their own, though it's the time to let them come to you.

R., your question was "if your child left and went out on their own, would you consider your job done". The best answer I can give is, "it depends", and "definately, your roles change".

My daughter turned 17, moved out, and moved in with her boyfriend. My husband and I weighed our options and sought legal insight before deciding our path. We still had our second daughter at home, and felt that our older daughter needed to experience the consequences (negative OR positive) of her choices.

What's more, In Texas, a parent cannot compel a 17 year old to do anything. However, unless that 17year old is emancipated, the parents can be held responsible in court for delinquent activities the child is involved in... so, we signed papers allowing our daughter to marry the boyfriend she was already shacked up with, and went about living our life raising our other daughter.

We have helped her at various times, including a 5-hour midnight drive to help her escape an abusive situation (the husband). However, there was a period of time where we distanced ourselves somewhat, and allowed her to explore being "grown up". We continued to keep the lines of communication open and a safety net in place (safe place to sleep and food to eat). We did not, however, play the same role as when she was our responsibility.

When your children make the decision to fly the nest, they become responsibile for their own decisions, and your role changes to one of counsel and coach.

I am happy to say that our daughter spent a few years paddling her own leaky canoe, but she didn't sink it; and now she is in a stable relationship with a fantastic man who absolutely adores her. We are on great terms and planning a wedding. I look forward to seeing her continued growth. Now, my other daughter will have to be thrown out of the nest... physically, mentally, and emotionally... she IS honest enough to say "are you crazy?" I know exactly how good I have it... and I have NO intention of leaving you anytime soon!" Lol. She is working and going to school... so we aren't yet ordering.the jaws of life... She gave me plenty of warning at least... at age seven she told me "I will never leave you Mommy.... I won't ever live any further away than next door". By Golly, I think she means it!

OMG if only it was this easy!!!!!!! The older they get the bigger their
problems!!!! You are never done with them LOL. My husband and I are
glad we can be there for them when they need us. Our kids are pretty
independent, but sometimes Mom and Dad are needed.

your parental duties never end, just change :) my sister(now 26!) lived with my parents till she graduated, she went to college for a yr, and then moved back home she lived with one or the other one of our parents off and on and thenshe had to live with her mil this last time. she cant pay her own bills half the time and expects everyone to fork over oney whenever she needs it. her husband works hard long hours and she blows all their money. sometimes u need to let your children fall on their ace bc other wise they are like my sister who cant do anything for herself. I on the other hand moved out at 16, worked and went to school. i moved back home right before i turned 19 bc i was pregnant and couldnt work. me and my now dh lived with my mom for about 8 months, and that is theonly time i have ever had to live with my parents since 16 (i am now 22). not everyone is the same and i believe each child requires different rolls from you. i use to be so jealous of my sister bc she was sppon fed, and no one ever helped me, i had to work for everything i ever got. but now i look back and see that they made me a strong determined person and i thank them for it!

I just went to visit my daughter (20) for Christmas. She is doing a great job with her life and I will always be there to support here. She moved to a different state by herself and is going to the university there and got a job and for the most part she is very independent and strong willed. I just give her a different parenting style. She knows that I am always here for her. If she has any questions about life then she asks me. I help when I can. I tell her that people are so willing to help her because we realize that we are giving her a help up and not a hand out. On the other hand, I am going through a really hard time financially right now and my mother will not budge to help me. I don't think that relationship will ever be a strong mother/daughter relationship. I can never trust her because I will constantly be watching for the knife in my back. It is not worth it to ever push your child away!!

I don't think you are. Having parents or trusted adults to fall back on in the first few years of adult hood is very necessary. It's like birds teaching their little ones how to fly. They're there to support them at first and then back off. Not all birds just chuck the chicks out of the nest and hope for the best!

My parents were there for me as well as all of my siblings in those formative years and I think it really helped. Having a place to retreat to or use as a spring-board is invaluable.

My husband and I had this conversation ourselves recently. He's of the mind that at 18, they're done simply because that's how his family is. But he also admits they did a lot of things wrong and he would have appreciated some support from them at times. Especially when we were first married! I was 6 months pregnant when he lost his job and we lost our apartment but his parents wouldn't let us stay with them. I would up moving in with my parents two hours away while he stayed at a friends house until we got back on our feet. Family is family; you look out for each other no matter the age and if they need help or even just some support & hugs, you give it to them.

However, just because the support is there does not mean that it should be abused. My youngest brother is a complete leach and still lives at home, jobless, at 22. >.< He spends all the time stealing my mothers cigarettes and sitting on the computer or sleeping. I want to throttle him every time I see him. And recently a very good friend of the family had a falling out with her SIL over similar circumstances. Someone died and all of the family members were asked to help the son? pay his bills until he was back on his feet but Aunt Cheri didn't see the point of paying this guys $40 satellite bill; that's a luxury. Asking for help with gas or food was one thing but she was having it rough herself. So while you never stop looking out for your family there is such a thing as going too far.

I am 55 and my mother is 74 and I know for a fact she believes she is not finished raising me and helps me and will til she dies. She does not intefer nor tell me what to do, but she supports my decisions and gives advice when I ask. I only pray I can be as edcellent a mother as she is. And yes I do have younger siblings and she treats them the same also. Please don't ever "cut them off" a mother's love should be forever.

Cut off from financial dependency (except extenuating circumstances like they've worked their a__ of to get a scholarship to study a certain thing that is their life's passion but need a little boost to supplement for college etc...) but NEVER finished being their parent as in their best friend. To me you graduate from parent at 18 and get to become more of a friend, as in unconditional emotional support and love, but you don't financially support your friends, nor should you your adult kids, for their own good. My parents didn't support me after 18 and I always enjoyed being self sufficient and independent and still love them as parents.

Having had 5 "leave the nest" and one left coming upon his 18 birthday here is how I/we feel. Some of our children got into drugs and other bad things and were just not a good role model to have in our home. They were putting the younger children and us at risk. The law can seize your home, cars, boats, and anything else they want in the name of drugs. Whether you had anything to do with the drugs or not...were they found in your home? GONE These are some important issues to think about. Was this hard..YOU BET! Those children found their bags packed and sitting outside and were sent on their way. But, We kept track of them...whether they knew it or not. Tried to help. Eventually they have ALL cleaned up and are always a part of our family. Need help, financial or otherwise we are there. Some have moved back in briefly to get back on feet and gone again. I encourage my 18 year old that it is time to go. I am helping the one before him with rent in another state. It is really tough out there! I want him to go and be responsible. But we are Always there. Even when our daughter turned up pregnant. Home is always there! Got her through that and on her way again. LOVE is the key!