Affording Marital Counseling

As parents, we take pride in giving our children the best of everything. It sounds like you are working hard to do that - a great private school, family trips, school field trips, lessons, etc. But what you may be forgetting is that the most important thing we can give our children is a loving and stable life. If you and your husband are having problems, your kids are affected. You may not realize it, but they sense the tension or the lack of caring, or whatever it is. This impacts their well being far more than having to go to a less expensive school or skip field trips. Kids who grow up in loving poor families are far better off as adults than kids who grow up in unhappy wealthy families... because they know what love is. They know how wives should be treated. They know the value of partnership.

You certainly don't want to pull your kids out of a school they love, but figure out what discretionary items you're paying for that could cover counseling. Your son may not get piano lessons or your daughter may not get to go on three field trips... but when they're adults, they'll thank you for ensuring they grow up with a happy mom and dad.

Basically you need to start making your FAMILY a priority. Right now you're making your CHILDREN a priority... but neglecting the most important thing to them... FAMILY.

I'd say nothing is more important to your children than healthy parents. If the marriage can be saved, it's better for everyone - economically, emotionally, everything. You have to decide that you are more important than your activities. Take clothes to the consignment shop, walk dogs and take in mail for vacationing neighbors, water plants and weed gardens.

You can find more reasonable choices in every area, and take all of that money ($20 here, $15 there) and put it in a therapy fund. I don't know how old your kids are, but they can benefit long term from having small jobs to help pay for their extras (field trips, extra curricular activities, everything they "just gotta have" in terms of clothing and backpacks and electronic gadgets and movie rentals. Kids can learn to economize. They can do jobs in the neighborhood depending on their ages - run a lemonade stand (and they pay for the lemonade, they don't just keep all the income), have a yard sale where everyone gets rid of 25% of their stuff,

Cut your cable bill by getting rid of expensive packages. Cut your heating and AC bills by changing the thermostat by 2 degrees either way. Shop in bulk. Stop with designer labels for everyone. Cook at home using real ingredients instead of eating out. Give your kids tap water in reusable bottles (stainless steel best) instead of juice drinks or bottled water (a HUGE budget-buster as well as an environmental nightmare). Make sandwiches instead of using pre-package meals. Get cheaper haircuts. Nobody gets massages or facials or manicures, no matter what.

There are less expensive counseling services available through the clergy - free if you are a member or a regular attendee, and often if you are searching for a house of worship. Some are available also through the town's department of family services. Usually those are sliding scale though, and if you have a high paycheck and a lot of amenities/privileges, you won't qualify OR you'll be taking the slot from someone who really can't afford it.

Finally, budgets are not set in stone. They are subject to revision if circumstances require it. If you had a financial emergency (someone got very sick, you had a devastating fire, the furnace blew), you'd cut something out. You'd also adjust if your refrigerator quit or your dishwasher overflowed or your car transmission blew.

Therapy money is not EXTRA. It's essential. If you want the best for your children, you will spend money on what keeps them secure and in a whole and happy home. If your husband really needs convincing, tell him you can economize by getting one mediator instead of 2 separate divorce attorneys, and a financial planner to help you figure out what size apartment each parent will need to take the kids during your half of the visitation. If you two don't make it, all those essentials (tuition, vacations, activities) are going to be canceled outright anyway. They might as well learn to do without a few small things right now, rather than grow up with a sense of entitlement.

And your kids will get into better colleges if they learn to work part time, do charity work, and give of themselves - not if they go to only the best schools and have a long list of activities. Colleges want kids who work and appreciate things, not kids who got handed everything.

If you can afford these other things you probably have an income that has other stuff in it that can be cut out to save your marriage. It is waaaaay more expensive to get a divorce and live separately than to spend $400 - $500 a month on a counselr. Its not like it will last forever.

Ok let's phrase it this way - you take out a loan to buy a car or lease a car, right? When our teen daughter was suffering from a serious mental health issue and we didn't have out -of-network coverage and the only counselor that we had confidence in was out of network we decided that our child's life and health were a greater priority than anything else in our life. We determined to ourselves that if we had to go into debt or take a withdrawal from our retirement accounts we would do it. We decided she was more valuable than a new car or vacation or dinners out.

I venture to bet that you could live out of your cabinets and freezer for a week or two - that would save money. No take out, no dinner or drinks out this month - more saved $. Cut the movie budget, makeup and clothing, beer& wine, stay home and save gas, turn the A/C to a lower level, etc. There are always things to find in your budget. You can adjust your 401(k) contributions for a few months, etc.

You and your husabnd need to decide on your priorities. A good marriage will help prevent problems with your kids in the future. It will cost less money in the long run to have a good marriage vs a divorce. So determine between yourself "what is our marraige worth"?

Hi C.-

I am not sure what all of your issues are with regard to your marriage.

BUT...I CAN tell you, as one who did ultimately divorce, is that I AM GLAD we tried counseling. It did not work for us...but I do take a great deal of comfort in the knowledge that *I* pushed for counseling. It was pricey...and in fact my now ex 'blew' it off after some sessions that addressed some of HIS issues.

But, the fact is, *I* know I did everything I could to try to maintain my marriage.

Seems a small monetary price to pay for that kind of comfort...

AND...for you, and YOUR marriage, it may very well work out.

My thoughts are with you...

Best

You asked for advice, but you don't really get to tell people what they're allowed to advise you if it means that you don't want to hear the best advice you're going to get.

And that means you already know how you should be paying for the therapy sessions. Your children would be much happier with having parents that are happy together and doing things together as a family than having "activities" that need to be paid for. Investing in your marriage with the sessions is much more important than the all-important activity budget.

I don't believe that's harsh. I believe that's reality. You can attend every two weeks as a compromise, and use the "childrens' activity money" to do things as a complete family. Connect or reconnect as a family. Use some of that money to go on some dates. Invest in the family rather than "the kids." Your marriage, and by extension your family, is more important than "the kids."

Start calling around and seeing if there is a religious group that provides counseling. My mom's church actually funds a counseling center and they do cheap sessions.

If it was my marriage, and I thought we had to have counseling to save it, I would put us on a super cheap grocery budget....you know, the kind college and graduate students eat, lots of tacos, eggs and chicken. With some smart shopping, you could probably come up with the money, depending on how much you spend on groceries and toiletries every month. One less coffee out, one less something. Look at your budget. If you can afford private school, you have to have fat somewhere you can cut. Check out some frugal forums for ideas, or ask here. When I need to, I can cut 200-300 off my monthly bill without blinking. Chicken and pork roasts are my friend :-) and shopping around with coupons does save money.

call every counseling center and church (if you are comfortable with that) in your area. Many, offer sliding scales of payment. family counseling centers seem more likely to have sliding scales, then individual practices. Still, call all just to make sure. Or, you could attend 2 sessions a month, and cut the bill in half.

I think happily married parents are more important than childrens' "activities."
Maybe that's part of the problem, your priorities are out of whack?
I mean, do you really want to say to your kids, "mommy and daddy are getting divorced and our family is splitting up, but don't worry you still get to play t ball" ???
Think about it.
Also, maybe instead of spending the money on counseling you could spend it on a sitter and go OUT once a week, reconnect and have fun together. Have sex.
Maybe that will do the trick!

How's this for convincing: if you or your husband had cancer and treatment was available, you *would* find the money, right? I think that having a marriage which is in crisis is the mental health equivalent of being ill.

Are you choosing to prioritize your children's activities above the health of your marriage? I don't want to make this sound desperate, but can you really reasonably see explaining to your kids that your marriage failed because you put those activities ahead of getting better as a couple? You don't have to say "hey kids, sorry there's no soccer for you because dad and I need to afford marriage counseling" but just "we need to take a break for a season and we'll continue again next time"; maybe this will help you and your husband to also work toward achieving those relationship goals that a counselor can help you set. Most couples counselors I know really want the couple to heal there relationship without making it a protracted and drawn out affair.

Many counseling clinics do offer a sliding scale fee for those who qualify.
I hope this sort of explanation helps. Kids will be happier with happy parents. And it's worth it even if you are only going twice a month-- it is better than nothing, which is where you are right now.

Happy parents are "worth" more to a child than all the fancy,schmancy vacations, private schooling and activities. Yes..I am going there...even though you said you will not stop paying for these things.

Put your marriage above the frills. Because...really... when you put your marriage first... that means you are putting your kids first. You said you don't have the money for it all...so in essence you are choosing not to put your marriage first.

Making your marriage successful will most likely make for a very good environment to produce confident,happy and well rounded kids.

I understand they are already factored into your budget. Well...a new school year is coming up...pull the kids out of private school. Don't sign them up for the next season of activities. Spend MORE time together...having fun. And put the money toward a therapist that can help you mend your family.

Divorce is very expensive. Divorce will cause your lifestyle to change drastically. Divorce will change your children forever...yes they will cope..but it will change them in ways parents don't realize. Believe me..I know. I am a child of divorce..and it is hell being a yo yo where you never fit in.

Good luck and best wishes.

You won't forgo paying for their private school, school activities, and class trips to pay for marriage counseling? Are you spending $400 per month on school activities and class trips? If you are, then I can't understand why you would choose to do this over marriage counseling. I would imagine most children of divorce would choose their parents staying in a working marriage over extracurricular activities.

Your husband is frugal. You don't want to spend money. I get it. $400-$500 per month is a lot of money! But start going over the numbers to see how much a divorce will cost, as well as maintaining two households instead of one. If you have money in a rainy day fund, go ahead and cash out some of it. Six months of marriage counseling will cost you $3,000. Hiring a divorce attorney is way more than that. Good luck to you! I hope you and your husband are able to work things out.

If you call around to the bigger churches, they often have great counselors for less.
Otherwise, think of it as, what would I do if we had a job loss? Where would I necessarily cut costs?

I don't know if you and your husband belong to a church or not, but a lot of times you can get pastoral counseling through your church. Also some places have a sliding scale based on income that may be cheaper for you. Good luck.

Hi - You live in Mount Laurel. The Penn Council for Relationships http://www.councilforrelationships.org/ takes people on a sliding scale. You might have to drive to Philly (which I appreciate is a pain) but they might be able to help on the price. It is an excellent practice.

If you go for 4 months, even at $500 month that's only $2,000. Not chump change. However... consider that 25 years ago my Mom spent $20,000 on her lawyer (who knows what my Dad spent!) -- $2,000 is a good investment. Also think about how much it will cost you or husband to find a new place to live if you have to separate. At least $500 a month extra in rent... right?

Good luck. I hope you two can keep it together.

Go twice a month instead of weekly. Cuts that in half. My husband has been seeing a therapist twice a month for a while and I joined him for a few sessions. He only goes every other week and that seems to work fine. Ours also isn't covered by insurance, so I know what you mean about the expense. I also wouldn't go for telephone therapy ... they must think people are desperate to think that's a great option.

Find a way to pay for counseling or find a way to pay for a divorce.
Which would cost you more?
Is there any church based marriage counseling that might be more cost effective that would work for you?

If your marriage is in eminent danger--put it on a charge card.
You can start paying for it after this trip with vacation funds.

I'm sure you can cut lifestyle by a few hundred dollars per month if you NEED to.

If you know you need counseling, but NO way to pay immediately and you feel it can wait, start after your vacation--again, sounds like some money will be freed up soon.

I understand what you're saying. Things already built in the budget are affordable and things like this are hard, I completely get it. My husband and I did it last summer, once a week and it was only $25, but still - that adds up! My daughter had PT twice a week for two months, at $12 per visit, that's a lot too. I either put things on a credit card or saved in other ways like cheaper groceries and meals, less driving = less gas, fewer dance pictures, etc. We didn't miss anything and were able to pay for the counseling too.

Kids activities seem like a big issue especially when they really enjoy it. My kids were attending gymnastics for many years. My daughter moved to two classes a week. I decided in the winter to pull them out. They were both upset, my daughter much more so than my son. But they got over it. She still will occasionally ask, but it isn't a big deal anymore. Kids adjust. They will be fine with pulling them out of activities for a season. I have had my kids in swimming and gone one or two seasons without going and sending them again later. It is okay to say no to the kids activities for the fall. They can focus on school and family more for a few months and it will be good for them. So that is what I would do. If you are dead set against that then put the money on a credit card. I am not thrilled with that idea as I can't stand paying interest. But in this situation it would be worth it. Pay it off slowly and try to save in other ways, cut out unnecessary things at the grocery store, turn the thermostat up a few degrees in summer. Put off going places until you can combine trips to save bass, for example run to the grocery store closest to one of the kids activities rather than make two trips out. But u need to make this a priority which u already know. There r ways u both need to be open to those ways of paying.

What about a home equity loan? Rates are pretty cheap now. Worth it to pay a little interest to save your marriage.