AfDaughter Wants to Live with Her Father

You said, "After everything I have done for her all of these years and all things I had to put off or do without and she wants to live with him!!??!!! SIGH!!!"

Honey, this isn't about you. It's about your daughter and her father. It has nothing at all to do with you other than the fact that you raised her well enough and strong enough to be secure in her knowledge that you love her so much that she can visit her father, maybe even live with him, and you'll still love her and not have hurt feelings over it. This has nothing to do with your sacrifices and all you've done for her, and I assume with the fact that he's done nothing/very little to "deserve" a visit, let alone her love.

This is not her rejecting you. This is her wanting to get to know her father. And she might not be there for very long if he's still as wonderful as he was when he ditched her as a baby.

This is her spreading her wings, satisfying her curiosity, and attempting to get to know her father. She's attempting to establish a relationship with him, which in all honesty was HIS responsibility since he's the parent. But she's a child that wants her father's love. I'm sure she has questions for him. So let her get her answers and try not to take this all so personally.

Regarding the legalities of this situation, if I were you, my first call would be to your local friend of the court office and ask them if you need a lawyer to do this. You may also want to call an attorney who specializes in family law and ask if they offer a free phone consultation. Just cover those two bases first. Second, contact your Medicaid caseworker and ask if the insurance is transferrable to the other state. As a previous poster mentioned, at 17 years old, kids can pretty much choose where they want to live. I know in MI, at the age of 14, a child can have a say in a custody matter as to which parent she wants to reside with.

When my daughter was 12, she moved in with her dad. She is 18 now. I was the the custodial parent and we had joint custody. After I turned her over, me ex did not pay me child support and I did not pay child support on her--we had an agreement as such. My husband and I carry the health insurance on her until she's 25, gets her own insurance through an employer, or gets married.

My daughter was hell bent on going to live with her dad. She turned my house upside down and almost destroyed my marriage because I fought tooth and nail to make her stay. In my case, it was the BEST decision for ALL of us to let her go. I have YET to regret letting her go. Grant you, it was tough--tough love always is. She's turned out to be an independent, young adult.

As a mother who has been where you are at right now, my advice to you is--let her go....and DO NOT take her back. If she and her dad ever have a conflict and she asks that you take her back--do not do it. She needs to learn to make this arrangement work. There will be bumps in the road, but she made her bed and she has to lie in it. The grass is not always greener on the other side, she will learn.:)

If you fight to keep her, she will hold it against you. You will be blamed for every shortcoming she has. She's almost an adult and her grades, post secondary schooling, and any life path she chooses is all up to her--not you. It's time for her to put her big girl panties on make her own decisions and live with the consequences. Some kids need to go this route. It's part of the growing up process for them.

I know it hurts and you are frustrated, but eventually, our kids leave the nest. Your child, just like my child, want to get that "head start."

Wishing you the best,

M.

Sorry M.! This has to be so heartbreaking. I would graciously let her go and trust all the parenting you have done to far. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

So sorry. This is a tough one.

She may think it will be easier at her Father's. If you are pushing her, as you should, to pull up grades, be more responsible, etc., she may think that Dad will not and she will be able to do what she wants, when she wants.

You need to talk to her Father about these issues. What are his plans? Will he parent her or just be the gad about Dad who is fun? Will she have to get a job? Will he ensure that she goes to school every day?

If he is on the birth certificate, that is probably all the legal documentation he needs to register her at school and get her medical care. You will have to call the state's Medicare offices to have her coverage switched to his state. There is sometimes a delay - so make sure Dad understands that he may have to cover any medical expenses until the coverage is switched over.

I have a 16 year old son, we had discussions about his living with his Father. Usually when he mad at me. I have always told him, if he truly wants to then he could - but it would be for a school year - he would not be able to switch back and forth. even though we only live 20 minutes away from his Father.

Maybe you both can go visit during Spring Break. Her Dad and you should check out the local high school - talk to the administration about switching this late in the school year, etc.

Do some practical research about the realities of her moving - have her involved in the process. She may change her mind.

We do sacrifice a lot for our children. It is inherent in parenthood. But it does hurt when they seem not appreciate it. I am so sorry for your pain.

Hugs

Your daughter is practically an adult. There's not really a whole lot you can do to prevent it from happening if she wants to live with her dad. I get what you're saying, but you don't get to guilt your daughter into staying because of "all you have done for her" through the years. You chose to bring her into this world and you did your job, you raised her. She doesn't owe you a debt for that, so it really doesn't factor in at all. If she could benefit from living with her father, if she could get better grades, etc., then maybe you could try to make peace with the decision? I don't know all the details... I'm sure there's a whole lot more to it than you had time to type here, but bottom line is, she's going to do what she's going to do. Don't make it harder for her in the process, because she'll only resent you.

I don't know what the law is in IL, but here in LA, at 17, a person can choose his/her own domicile, even if it's not with a parent. I found this out when my daughter asked me to let a friend of hers move in with us to get away from a nasty situation at home. I wanted to be sure I wasn't going to be opening myself up to charges of kidnapping if I said "yes."
So if she wants to go and he is willing to come get her, you may not have a choice in the matter.

No you don't need a lawyer however if you have been receiving child support then it's only right that you pay your daughter's father child support now that he will have custody of her.

Yes you need to get copies of her medical records and send them along with her so her next physician will have access to her history. You should also contact the school and get a copy of her school records to send along too.

You would contact medicaid in your state to cancel her coverage since she won't be living there any longer. You would need to have her father add her to his insurance plan so she has coverage.

I don't know if this will help or not, but, off the top of my head:

It's not unusual for a girl (or a boy) to want to upset the apple cart at that age. In spite of what the kids may say, adulthood can be fearsome to contemplate, so... let's start all over someplace else and maybe, just like magic, everything will improve and there will be a surefire happy ending.

I can remember a friend of my younger daughter's when they both were about that age or a tad older - in their senior year of high school. This girl, whose grades were good and was a class leader, started talking about how she hated everything, how she wanted to quit school, move away, get a job, the whole nine yards. Her devastated parents persuaded her to hang in there and just graduate - and then, once the girl did, everything was different again. It turned out that she was sorely afraid of the future and this was her attempt to run away from it and start over.

When your girl is eighteen, then, legally, of course, she can do what she pleases. Wherever she lives, she needs to get through high school, but is there any kind of work that interests her and that she could get some practical experience in? Maybe that would give her a better direction than "I want to leave!"

Please don't allow yourself to be hurt by your daughter's attitude, even though it's certainly tempting to interpret that attitude as rejection. It's not really you she doesn't like (and not necessarily her father she does like). If you've done the best mothering job you can, you've done well for her. She will NOT appreciate it for a LONG time, so - well, just don't expect her to. Her mind at the moment is probably all on herself and herself alone.

I have no legal advice, but I am with Mary L, it is the age and stage. I raised my daughter alone until she was 14. I got married and am still married. She has never really gotten to know her natural father, as he has often denied her and played games. Anyway, just before she graduated high school, she was angry with one of us (parents) and came down and asked how to spell her dads last name. My husband laughed because it was so obvious she did it just to upset us. I just spelled it for her and gave it the big eye roll.

Let her go with him. Maybe it will help her. Maybe he will step up and tell her to get it together.

I have a 17 yo son and 15 yo daughter. When my son is mad at me he talks about moving to his dad's. I can relate to where you are right now.

Will she be better off at her dad's with school? This is not a reflection of you. Kids struggle and sometimes another environment could be good, but not always. Is she running away from her current situation - thinking grass will be greener, dad won't have rules, I'll instantly have friends and mom won't be harassing me for my grades??? For us, my son is a junior and switching schools to another state with different grad standards would put him back and make it even harder to graduate. His dad and I both think its better for him to finish out high school with me.

If you decide its the best choice for HER, then yes, change everything over with medical and all that. Make sure her new school has you listed for contact and sends all communication to both her dad and you to stay involved. Is it an option to let her go for the summer and check it out?

It's not an easy decision and my heart aches for you. It sounds like you're really looking at this as objectively as you can. Good luck in your decision.

well, 16 year olds don't understand the sacrifices a mother (especially a single one) makes on their behalf. and probably shouldn't. we don't want our children to be beholden to us out of guilt or obligation, do we?
but this must be such a blow, M.. i'm sorry.
good for you for discussing it with him, and making it clear to both that there will be no shuttling back and forth.
and beyond that, yes, let her go and get everything changed over (or give the info to her and her dad and let them do it.) she's a young woman, and while she's clearly foolish in some ways, she simply doesn't yet have the experience to make the choices you'd like her to make. she needs to have these experiences and integrate them on her own terms.
be gracious and let her go. use skype and all the other technological benefits to stay in touch with her. it'll be a good experience for her however it works out. trust that you've done right over the last 16 years, and that bedrock will pay off for her, and for you.
khairete
S.

There is not too much you can do. Has she eve lived with her dad? She may want to find out what he is all about and she may need that male figure to find out who she really is.

As much as your heart wants her to stay with you it might be best to let her go. You have told both that if she goes she can not hope back and forth. Good for you.

Daughter needs to become an adult and in doing so she has chosen to spend time with her dad. You can say a prayer a day that she will be protected against harm and things and move on. As hard as it seems you can begin to rebuld your life and make it better for you.

Whatever you do, don't stop her or she will resent you.

the other S.

PS It might take another 10 to 15 years before it all sinks in and she appreciates what you have done but she will thank you.

If you all don't have a joint custody arrangement, then legally, I think you'd be safer to file a change of custody petition with the court. Youll probably have to pay dad child support while she's with him.

I wouldn't let her go, personally. You're the parent - you decide , not the child. When she's 18, then she can decide.

If she's made a mess of grades & things here, then I'd be having her clean that up prior to going anywhere ... or else she's going to do the same thing over & over again ..... and never be responsible for working hard & digging herself out of a hole.