Advise on Cooperative Parenting

You might try going with a legal route. And get a parenting plan that requires certain things in place for her to be able to have visitation rights.

C.,

This seems to be a common thread with children of divorce. My parents split when I was sill a baby and my mother wasn't really in my life until I was an adult with children of my own.

The best advice I can give is to stay consistent within your house, and have at least one place where the kids know what is expected of them. It will be hard, especially if her house is disney land. Try to stay totally neutral when speaking of her, so that your kids don't feel like they have to defend her at all. Inevitably they will try the "but my mom let's me do that". The best response is to let them know that your house is not hers, and that they have responsibilities at your house.

If they choose to go live with her let them, but make sure they know that they can come back home whenever they want.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Hi C.! Well, you have quite the household! The unfortunate truth is that you can't make your rules stick in her house but......it is more important that the children understand that in your house things don't change. I know that it sounds like they will see you as the wicked witch of the west, but the reality is, kids want limitation, rules, and someone who cares enough to enforce them! I would try to speak with the other mother and ask her to respect the rules of your house, and not undermine you every time they are with her. Trust me, the kids know who really cares, and who is just trying to be their friend, she need to understand that too, or they will walk all over her, they know she feels guilty, and they will play that for all its worth! No matter what the kids say, they will always prefer the home with stability, the want to feel safe. Good Luck, R.

from what I have seen the kids stay where they are if they are happy and healthy. You have to be doing something pretty awful for the court to remove the kids from your home. Dont expect anything from the bio mom cuz you will just be pissed when it dosent happen and it causes even more issues.Just count on her not cooperating and deal with it the best that you can. The kids will eventually learn that your way is better. At first they think its great but they learn really fast.When you have a mixed family there is no magic answer to make things go smoothly. It has to be a group effort and if part of the group isnt cooperating then expect many road bumps. sorry. We are dealing with this right now also but without the custody battle although we have been through it.

Trying to make her use your rules will only cause more friction. You only have control over them when they are in your house.
Be consistent with them and let them know why you have certain rules. They will come to abide by them even around her.
Later on they will appreciate your structure and resent her for the lack of!
It's hard to let go - but they need to learn some things on their own!

Remind the children that the "boring" stuff is what is necessary to teach them to grow into successful adults and it is your job as parents to teach them that. It wouldn't be very kind and loving of you if you didn't raise them to learn about the real world. Even if they are not at your home, try to impress upon them how important it is to keep up on their studies. You can say,"It's nice though, that you can get a break to go play at their mom's, but don't hurt yourself by forgeting to study. Talk to the mom about making sure they do their homework on those nights or the visitations may be taken away. ???

C.

If we lived in a perfect world all could be wonderful BUT we don't. Word up what you seek will never happen unless she has a total life change.

Sorry to be harsh, but I am a divorcee, having remarried raised 1 Step-son, and visited with my Step=daughter. Am now a Grandparent raising 3 Grandchildren, 13,11,7. Life is still out of balance, it's all about them, the insignificant parental figures. Who loved, and still love to do anything to keep the kids stirred up. Stirred up with disatisfaction with the rules and structures in our house this from the adult children who are visiting this upon their own children.

Don't change anything at your house, consistancey, committment and love will win in their future. If it doesn't it's because the child will decided to follow the other parents wrong choices. Prayers are that you have made enough difference in their lives that the concequences will remind them that your were right.

After awhile turmoil, fun, fun, broken promises get boring after while and they see it for what it is. They choose to see them because it upset's you but when they are older they will show you who spoke the most love into their lives by their actions. At adolescences it's all a power trip of minipulation theirs and their mothers.

We have been thru years of custody battles, lies & promises from the others to the children involved, unrest in the children. I retained my children, my Step-son is in constant touch, and we retained my Grandchildren. One day they will all see why and maybe understand!

God Bless and keep You
C.

From what I've read and heard you are just not going to win on this if you try to insist that she parent the same way you and your husband do. You just can't make her. Stick to the rules that you can enforce in your house. The kids will learn (they probably already know) that there are different rules and standards in the different households. If you don't try to control what you cannot control, but keep consistency in your own house things should settle down over time.

I would explain to here that you are all happy that she is in the lives of her children again (even if it's not the case it can take away some of her defensiveness) and explain to her that you all want what is best for the children. The best thing any family can do for children is to set boundaries that are enforced. Children need boundaries to feel safe and tell her that you have gone a long way towards implementing and being consistent with your boundaries. Perhaps you and your husband can put together a list of rules and expected behaviors that you have with your children. Then look at and see what are must have rules/behaviors and keep those. Of course there's wiggle room in any of this but this list may be a good starting point for her. Since she doesn't know her kids that well and hasn't parented them for most of their lives a little map to help guide her may be appreciated. There are some great parenting resources out there and I would recommend Parenting with Love and Logic. They have a great website www.loveandlogic.com. In the school districts I"ve worked in many teachers and parents use this resource when building boundaries with their kids. I know they also have local Love and Logic parent trainings which may be useful for you and your husband to attend with the children's bio mom.

Good luck!
E.

You are in a situation that requires a lot of patience. The best thing you can do for the children is to explain to them that when they are on your turf the rules are your rules, when they are with the other parent, her rules are her rules. As much as you might like a balanced sitation, it may take a while, especially if this person has not parented for some time. She will figure out that "Disneyland" parenting is going to knock her to the ground eventually, but in the meantime you can bet she is working to win over the children. I wouldn't worry too much about this flip/flop situation for now. I was in a similar situation with visitation. Our children would come home with reentry problems and be simply beastly. Without negativity toward the non-custodial parent, I approached the children to take responsibility for changing their attitued and for getting back into the swing of things in our household. It is the same for school, so my reasoning was the same for visiting the free-for-all parent and coming home to the structure parent. It's all a part of life. Neither of my children wanted to "live forever" with the free-for-all parent, by the way, and years later still comment about how hard it was to never really know where the boundaries were during these visits.
I know how hard this must be for you, but it will work out for you and the other parent. Hang in there and don't give up your ground. The children may say your household is "boring", but they really do not mean this and will soon figure this out for themselves.
My Best to you.
J. S

Hi C.!

Get a mediator immediately and I suggest that the mother be court ordered to take parenting class. She has no boundaries in her "disneyland" life. All kids need structor in their life. If the kids had it their way, they'd be in disneyland every day of their life until they decide to grow up.

Also, when it comes to step children, you may need to take a step back when it comes to your husband and her talking with one another regarding the kids (if she's a resonable person). Or mature for that matter. I'm the step mother here and have taken a back seat and let the father and biological mother converse with one another. I find it better that way. He takes charge and is very responsible for his boys anyway. My advice to you is to continue to stand at your hubby's side, and just be there for him.

C.:
I think there are a lot of Moms out there that struggle with the same situation. My oldest son (6 yrs old), is my step-son, but I've been his Mom since he turned 3. His bio Mom took off when he was one month old and my husband was the one who took care of him. She appeared back in his life right about my husband & I met. She is the unstable type - you never know what she will do or say. Unfortunately, there is no easy way to make things work...or any guarantee that any agreement will stick. We tried setting consistent rules in the beginning but gave up after finding that she would never enforce them. Nothing...she even let him watch rated R movies that scared him for months. We are the boring house as well, but what we offer is so much more - consistency, stability, etc. It depends on the Judge you end up getting, but most of them lean toward the parent that can offer those things.

You might try a book that a family counselor referred to us, it's called "Joint Custody with a Jerk". Even though the focus is joint custody, it really does focus on how to "share" your child with the another parent. It offers advice on how to work with them.

Another unfortunate thing on some level is that the courts want both parents to be involved with the child - unless you can prove their behavior/actions would seriously harm them (this is very hard). I have to say that the Judges we've dealt with haven't cared that she took off and left him - we always get the comment "but she's here now". Ugh. Also be careful that your children don't see how you feel toward the bio Mom. If you keep things positive and stay supportive - it will really help you in the long term.

When my son's bio Mom is picking him up or if we have to talk for some reason, I'm always friendly and positive. I do grind my teeth a lot though. When it comes down to it, I know I'm his Mom and I have to be the responsible adult since she can't be.

Best of luck!

okay, my best advice may not be possible. I truly encourage you to welcome the bio-mum as much as possible. Ask her out for coffee, find out what her interests are. Try to become her friend, even if its a business friendship.

I was a step mum for 4 years. Even though the marriage unfortunately ended, I am still great friends with bio-mum and it was invaluable when I was step mum to her daughter. Even when we disagreed.

Surprisingly enough, I am in pretty much the same situation. I am the stay-at-home mom of my two step-kids (10 and 5) and their mom has always been in the picture some what, but never really as a mother role. However she takes them overnight on school nights, and yes her house is always the fun one with no rules. With both kids now being in school we felt that it is more of a disruption to their schooling and behavior. She however is not fighting for more custody with them, she is just fighting to keep them overnight on a school night.

One thing that I have done with her (or you could do it on your own) is read a book called "Stepwives" by Lynne Oxhorn-Ringwood and Louise Oxhorn. This is a great book that helped us out tremendously, Unfortunately it only lasted for us a fre months due to her immaturity. But maybe it could help you permanently. It talks about how to both be mothers to the children without stepping on the other toes, and how to compromise on rules and that sort of thing.

Good Luck! and I feel your pain!

As an observer of the parenting dilemma that my brother and his ex-wife have gone thru, this is not easy. The kids are old enough to play both sides against the middle, so what they're saying at your house about 'Mom' letting them do 'x,y, and z' is probably the same story they're telling her about 'Dad' and his house. I watch with sadness as my brother, who was the non-custodial parent at first, went through the Disneyland Dad phase, not that he's totally out of it yet. It was guilt on his part and wanting to share the fun times with his son. Disciplining him for his bad behavior by taking away a movie, a trip, whatever, meant that he was denying himself the pleasure of sharing that activity with his son.
Ask Mom what her guidelines are so you can reinforce her rules at your house. By phrasing the question that way, she's not on the defensive and will be more forthcoming as she sees you as supporting her and not her supporting you. Don't have these conversations in front of the kids, at first. If problems persist and you can have an extended family meeting with her and your family all together, not starting out as a meeting, but maybe an outing at a fun center where you can sit down for a big pizza feed and talk around the table, asking questions in a light hearted way about what happens at your house when....
At the same time, you have your own two girls who might have a tinge of jealousy that the big kids have this whole other house to go to and they get to do so much more. This is where you could fall into 'the keeping up with the siblings' trap. This will be a very hard habit to break, because while the big kids are away, the little kids will get to do other things as well, and there will be a comparison of their times apart.
I'd talk to a family therapist, for you and your husband, together at first. If a family meeting is needed, then go for it. The big kids' Mom is just trying to make up for lost time and that's a natural, guilty feeling. You would do the same if the roles were reversed. Don't dwell on the past, but look towards the future for all of you. Re-hashing it will only cause more problems. You have just gained another adult to help deal with the onset of puberty and the teenage years. You have a built in respite period to regain your composure and sanity. Yeah!!!! It will work out.