Advise Needed

This may have been said by others so sorry if I am repeating. I have the same issue with my 10 and 11 year old girls. It's over little stuff, nothing huge so it doesn't make sense to me why they would lie about it. Anyways, we have been rewarding telling the truth and don't really have any consequence for whatever the issue was, but there are definite consequences for lying. That seems to be working.

Hi O., I have seen other posts concerning the same issue and while it is puzzling and frustrating, it is a trait that effects me very deeply. I hate to be judged so I'm taking a risk by saying that as a youngster I also remember lying a great deal. Sometimes it was to impress (make my parents proud), sometimes it was to hide my insecurities (a bad grade, incomplete chore) and sometimes it was because I was just plain afraid to tell the truth. The consequences in my home were severe. Yet I still continued. I did grow out of it as I saw that over and over again the lies got out of control (layer after layer) and I didn't benefit from them.

With my children (14 and 16) I can see the tell-tale signs that they are lying but I hold back from severe reprimands and try to calmly tell them that I will find out the truth one way or another. Alleviating this fear of telling the truth will help you and he as well. My children now come to me before I even know of the lie and tell me they did something wrong. In my heart I can't bring myself to harshly belittle them or severely punish them. I just give them the hard cold facts - lying will hurt you in the end.

Hope this helps put a little perspective on the issue. I know it is hard as a parent but, facing the truth as a youngster is hard as well and more than anything it is a life lesson that is learned the hard way.
H.

You must be so frustrated! I also remember lying a lot when I was a child. It's pretty developmentally appropriate, even though it's not a very nice trait. And I always felt very guilty as a child, which didn't make me stop- it just made me feel bad!

Keep talking with your son! Talk a lot! Tell him exactly how you feel! Say it with "I" messages. (Ex: I'm pretty sure you're not telling me the whole story. It really hurts my feelings, to think you're not talking to me honestly. I need to know we can talk- so have a seat, and spill the beans!) And the most important "I" message-

I love you so much! You're lying through your teeth, but that doesn't change the fact that I adore you! :)

The more you talk to him, share your own experiences with him ("Kiddo, I used to tell some whoppers in my day- and I can recognize your signs!"), reassure him that nothing will change how you feel- the more he'll open up over time. He's exerting his independence, just like my toddler is. Try not to sound too judgemental, but still set up the expectation that he'll tell the truth. And have a consistent consequence when he lies. Every time you discover a lie, there needs to be a consequence!

And when he does fess up, consider NOT punishing him for the "crime." Reward him with gratitude and hugs and lots of praise for making a better choice!

hi O. R

first you need to try and figure out why your son lies in the first place. try being more open and less judemental when he is caught in a lie. you might need to sit him down and explain that you love and trust him and need for him to be honest to you no matter what. let him know that his honesty is very appreciated by you. do not punished him if he tell you the truth. gave him the security that you and him can deal with anything as long as the truth is told. perhaps he is afraid of your reaction to the truth and think a lie is plain just better. you need to look at your respond to him. he is afraid to tell the truth for fear of an unfavorable respond to him. praise him when he tell the truth and deal with the issue in a calm manner and thank him for being honest. wish you and him good luck.

S. n.

It may not be right, but lying is very human and most children and teens do it. Lying is done out of fear or protection. You son may have lied for fear of being punished or of you getting upset. You need to sit down and talk to him about it in a very calm manner. You can even set ground rules, but remember the punishment has to fit the crime so don't go overboard with punishment. Also find out how much peer pressure he's under as to what is being said to him.

You need to show him that there are consequences to lies...figure out a fitting consequence for whatever lie he tells and enforce it. And when he does come to you with the truth about something, even if it makes you upset, reward him by not punishing him. He may have been afraid you would have yelled at him for letting someone else use it, or for not having it.
Good Luck!

Hi O.,
I would imagine it's very difficult to be a single mom to teenagers, as I was a single mom for a while to a little boy until I got remarried. With that said, I think kids of divorce or single parents play the parents to a certain extent and see how much they can get away with at any age (they feed off your guilt). I personally think it's natural for preteens and teens to lie, but it's up to the parents to explain why lying is wrong and bad and there are consequences involved when they get caught. Since your son is 12 he is definitely old enough to understand between right and wrong, and chooses wrong. If you have already explained all this to him, and he doesn't care then show him. Show him lies hurt people. Lie to him about something important and let him catch you, then tell him that's how you feel when he lies to you. My kids are younger than yours, but I feel that it's human nature to listen and nod and then do what you want at any age. However, if there are consequences involved then chances are kids will get a little fear put in them and won't do it again (at least for quite a while). Actions speak louder than words.

Good Luck
K.

What you do is explain that lying is not acceptable and that the consequences for it will make any other consequence had he just told the truth more severe...then do it. Every time you catch him in a lie punish him...ground him, take away his games, whatever. My children have been told from the beginning that the trouble they will get into for lying will be so much worse than if they are just honest with us. We tell them that their word is everything. Being honest is a very important trait to have. People don't want to associate with liars. As a result, my children would come home from preschool or elementary school and actually tell us if they had to change their color that day or if they had to be talked to. We would have no way of knowing were it not for them telling us because the teachers only write home when they go to red. My boys have never gotten to that but they've gotten to yellow before because of excessive talking for instance. For that, they don't get in trouble but we talk about it and how the behavior must change and I thank them for being honest with me. I think those little issues help with bigger issues and there have been a couple but I will say, my boys cannot lie very well. You might see them stumble for words because they are considering it but in the end, they tell us the truth and I know this because I check out what they tell me if it warrants it.

You know you have to get this under check now. What is going to happen when he is a teenager even at 14 or 15? You are not going to be able to trust him and those are the years where the level of trouble they could get into (drugs, girls, stealing, ditching school, driving unsafely, etc.) would scare me the most.

A word of advice, as hard as it may be, try to remain calm about it. Be stern but calm and follow through on your punishments. He has to earn your trust. Until then, I would be very involved in his life if you aren't already. What I mean by that is his room, backpack, checking up on friends' houses he is supposed to be at, etc. are all things I would consider fair game. Trust is earned. When he goes for a period of time without lying then he will begin earning yours back. Remember too that when he DOES tell you the truth, to thank him. I'm not saying to not still dish out a consequence if the situation calls for it but I would continue to be calm and thank him for being honest and maybe even tell him how his consequence would have been worse if he had lied. "Because of your choice you cannot play video games for 3 days. Just so you know, I appreciate your honesty and had you lied, you would have earned a week of no video games." Let him see that he got off 4 days because he was honest. You are still punishing the bad behavior but rewarding the honesty.

I wish you the best and hope this helps.

L.

Dear O., Sounds like you have your hands full. I have been there too. I was a single mom with 3 ages 15, 14, 13. Yes I did survive. I'm sure you have spoken to him and much of this is for attention. I had similar issues with my middle child. Most important is to look him straight in the eye and say "I want the truth" Hopefully no one else in the family is getting away with lies. He needs to know that he will be in more trouble with lies. Speak to him about getting positive attention. I know it is exhausting but you need to call him out when you know he is lying, don't give up. This is a bad habit for the rest of his life and it will not get better. You also may need to seek some professional help. Someone who can get to the "why" this is happening. Most of all he needs to know this is wrong and unacceptable. He needs to learn to make better choices. Oh I know you must tell him you love him and want others to feel the same. Lying does not make friends. I just had this talk with my 9 year old grandson too. My best,Grandma Mary

That is a great question!! My 15 year old does the same exact thing!! He knows VERY WELL that he is better off telling the truth than to be caught in a lie AND for some strange reason, he continues to lie. But its always about stupid little things.
Although that's the majority of what they do at this age....stupid things ;)
I'm not sure if I can give you advice, because I'm still trying to figure it out myself. My only guess is that they are so used to getting into some sort of "trouble" not always bad, but they feel they need to be on the defense all the time. I used to think he had a problem... A pathalogical lier since he did it ALL the time!!
Good Luck, I just wanted you to know you are definately NOT alone.
hopefully someone will have some good advice OR they snap out of it soon!!!!!