Advice on New Relationship

Hi S.,

I am not necessarily old fashioned. I lived with my husband before marriage because we were in grad school and both couldn't afford our own apartments. However, there were no children involved. I work in the schools and see a huge difference in kids who have significant others moving in and out of their homes. I don't know your relationship, so excuse me if I am off here, but you said the relationship was new. To me, unless this is headed toward marriage, I would live alone. If your daughter doesn't want to stay alone with him, that is a HUGE red flag!! I would want her to feel secure in her environment and I don't think it is fair if she isn't even comfortable in her own home. He is NOT her father. I don't think you are being resistent. I think you are being protective and she is your #1 priority, over any relationship.

Your actions are sort of confusing. When you let him move in did you intend for him to make a committment to you and your daughter? If so, is it fair for him to make a 12 year committment to a child and have no say? Or did you think he and your 6 year old would interact as roommates? I suggest not living with someone unless you are clear about what role he will play in your daughter's life (and as a side note I don't think it is fair to your daughter to introduce people who do not have a committment to her).

Absolutly NOT! He has no right to change the way you are raising your daughter. It is your daughter and your job to raise her. He is your boyfriend, NOT her father. I would sit down with him and explain to him that you want him in your life but raising your daughter is your job and this is the way you want it done and you will take care of it. I hope this helps. I am married for the second time and even though my current husband has been around since my oldest daughter was 6 months old it is up to me to dicipline her. I do ask his opnion ocassionally but it is up to me. BTW she is 16 now.

You did an awesome job. I am proud of you standing up for yourself and your daughter. You are a wonderful woman and mother. A great role model for your daughter.

Trust your instincts about this; and your daughters. This situation screams of red flags to me and in need of intervention before you damage your relationship with your daughter. It is really a bad idea to allow him to do any of the parenting/ discipline, etc. There is a lot of research and books on this issue. He is overstepping his boundaries big time and if you don't step in and stop it, your daughter is going to be negatively impacted by this situation. If he doesn't respect your role, he is not going to respect other things you do either. If he has suggestions that may be helpful to you, he can talk to you about it when your daughter is not around. Is there a particular issue or behavior that your daughter does that is in question by your boyfriend?
This situation doesn't sit right with you, I can tell. Trust your instincts and move forward if you have to. You have done it for the past 6 years... don't settle if it doesn't seem right.

A Little about me:
I'm a 34 year old mom and mental health therapist

Hi S.,

Your her mom!!! You know what's best. I would have to say that you should be making the decisions. He's not her father, right? This has to hard on your daughter. Now there is someone else in her moms life and she's starting to resent him. Good luck.

L.

Hello S. ,
My name is T. i'm a single parent of 4 kids . I have been in relationships like that , i know the feeling . My advice is to look at what is best for your little girl . she isnt comfortable with him and he is controlling it can make matters worse . You need to let him know you are the mother and you have your rules for her and how you raise her. If he cant except that then you shouldnt let him live there , just be boy friend and girl friend and see how things go and if you little girl becomes comforetable with him . I have been abbused by men like that who are controlling . I just got a divorce from a man who i thought the world of until he abussed my 9 yr . old girl. we had twins together and he lost his rights to ever see them again.Your main fouces should be your little girl before any relationship. I mad a promise to myself and my kids i wont have another man in my life until they are growen up. I cant explain why men are like that but all i can say is look at your little girl and how she feels , then look deep inside your heart and go by with what your heart tells you . May god bless you and your little girl.

S.,
Honestly, if your daughter doesn't even want him to watch her, it's not really a good sign. Plus, as a parent's viewpoint, if he's jeopardizing your family (you and your daughter) relationship, I'd say move on and find a different guy that fits better for your family. For once, he should at least get along with your daughter or maybe wait a little longer until she's adjusted to the guy before move ins.

I have heard numerous times that the biological parent is the one who should be doing the discipline. If your daughter doesn't want him to watch her, that is a clear sign that she is uncomfortable around him. If it were me, I would ask him to move out and then see where things go.

Get him out of your house and raise your child the way you know how. I have always thought it a bad idea to bring a man over your child. I raised 37 year old twins alone and never let them see me sleep with a man until I married my 2nd husband. I dated other men after I divorced their father when they were 13 years old and didn't even introduce them to the kids until I found the man I married.My daughter is now a single mother is is going by my example. I think it's best.

Oh my gosh..I can't believe people jump right to he maybe doing something to her! I too went through this about 8 years ago. After many fights with my now husband I saw the error of my ways. I had 2 boys when we first got together and they didn't want to stay with him because he was mean. What it came down to is that I was not good when it came to discipline. You have to admit that it is easier for people on the outside can see what you don't. My ex was a truck driver so I was in charge 100% before we split up. I also have a 6yr old daughter and I think her dad can be hard on her sometimes, but I also feel that because she is my only daughter I am a bit soft with her. You should try to keep an open mind when you talk to him about this. Remember by moving him in you made him a part of your family so he should have some say in whats going on. And if you disagree with how he handled a situation don't do it in front of her...I learned the hard way. A child will think it's ok for them to do the same as mom. Good Luck!!

I know this from experience. I divorced my husband because we didn't have the same ideas in parenting. I came from a strict disciplined back ground (military) where there were rules and consequences and boundaries. My husband came from a back ground where kids will be kids and he didn't believe in discipline or if I took away a privelage he would reinstate it. Let me tell you I had terrible behavioral issues with my children until I left. It took almost a year to correct the behavior issues. Kids will pick up on the lack of sycronized parenting and use it to their advantage when you don't even realize it happening. I was raising my girls on my own for 3 1/2 years before I met my boyfriend. After a year and a half of dating we moved in together and luckily we are on the same page. I am very thankful that I don't have to waste so much energy fighting againt the other parent or in our case "father figure". I know from my own experience and seeing similar issues with my sister, that if you are not in sync on parenting you are in for a bumpy road with both your mate and your child(ren). We are the Mom's and I believe when it comes to our children we know best, not No man should over rule our parenting choices!!

I hate to say this, but first of all you shouldn't have let him move in until you married him. This new relationship is hard on her too, but letting a man move in who isn't her father makes it harder. Secondly, you need to sit down with him and discuss these issues with him. Let him know that you value his opinions. However, if he doesn't like the way that you dicipline, he needs to discuss that with you. He has been invited into your home and your life, so he needs to respect the way you do things. If her father isn't active in her life, than he may be trying to fill that role for her, but if she's not used to haveing a father around, then she is going to resist anything he does. Once you discuss things with him, sit down with her privately and discuss her feelings. Once everyone's feelings are out in the open, then the 3 of you need to sit down together and talk it all out. If a compromise can't be met, than the relationship may need to change.

I do but don't agree with some of the posts.
First off you need to talk to him and your daughter on what is going on.
Your daughter may or may not be trying to tell you something she may just resent the fact you let him move in and is trying to control the situation. But talk to her listen and ask more than once there may be something else.
Now with him it may be over whelming to him to start in with a 6 year old and not having the time to ease into it from birth... or he may be trying to make sure she knows that she cannot push him around. Communication is the key.
I have been through somewhat of the same situations I moved in with a man (who had a child already) and eventually married him when my oldest was 7 and I had been his only parent until that point I had the opposite problem though my rules and discipline decisions were not followed. Even though we discussed all the rules and agreed upon them I always came out looking like the bad guy. but to the same tone don't step on his rules. He controlled everything the kids or I did slowly. I am paying for that now with a teenager who rebels.
Be careful with the decisions you make regarding this situation counseling would be an option for everyone.
JUST BE GLAD YOU ARE NOT MARRIED it is so much harder to change the situation then and if you were he may be even harder on her than he is now.....

This is a very common but dire issue. I went through the same thing and I suggest you have loving but serious talk with your boyfriend now. He needs to know that she is your daughter and you have to follow your heart with raising her. My husband was always too hard on my girls and seemed to think I wasn't a hard enough parent on my girls but I had to set him straight on who's the ultimate desision maker when it comes to my girls. Now my girls are 16 & 19 and I've NEVER had major problems with them - they turned out great!

You don't want your daughter to resent you later for "picking him over her" when you don't follow your heart. Sometimes men need to be taught how to be gentle dads.

Let your boyfriend know that you love him and respect his opinions, but to please let you raise her the way your gut tells you.

I had the same issue. My daughter is 12 and I have been with my husband for 6 years. I raised her for 6 years of her life all by myself and it is not easy for a change to happen. The change is hard on you and your daughter. Make sure that you listen to your daughter and let her know that you love her in every way but you also love your new relationship as well. You and your new relationship need to sit and talk. You need to make sure that you are on the same page. Its hard to have someone there all of the time when you are so used to doing it all alone. If this relationship is going to be a long term then you must be on the same page and support each other. Your daughter knows you better. She knows what buttons to push and trust me she will. She needs to know that you two support each other in every way. As long as she is not in any danger she will be fine. It does get better. Make sure that he doesnt make you choose. If he loves you and your daughter then that wont be an issue. I hope this helps a little.

S.,

You need to put your foot down. He needs to know that while he has been welcomed into your home, she is still YOUR daughter. If he can't come to terms with the fact that you have a schedule and ways to do things that work for you and your daughter, he either needs to shape up or ship out. If she doesn't like to be watched by him - I would question why. It would be very simple (such as he yells at her), but why take chances? You need to make sure you're relationship with your child comes first.

Good Luck!!

K.

I am also a single mom, for 9 years now. I leave the man choosing up to God. He created us and He's the one to turn to for bringing a man into our lives. It is not His will that we live with anyone before marriage, and he will not bless any relationship that is fornicating. I know it's tough to be alone, but his ways are right, and until we realize we are not put here for ourselfs, but for Him...life will never make sense. You will just keep going around the same mountain over and over if you continue in these types of relationships. I pray you give your life to Him and seek Him with all your heart, and life will make more sense...he will fill that void.I am going to pray for you, I know this sounds preachy, believe me I use to think the same way. But it only gets worse if you choose your way, and the end results are not with God in eternity, it's not just about believing in him, even satan believes. The bible says only a few will find him mat.7:13-14 please be one that finds him. May God bless you, and please follow this advise. I came upon this responce by His prompting, he is calling you and everyone reading this to listen, it's not by chance that your reading this. The best thing you could ever do for your children is to give them the gift of God, and an eternity spent with him. God bless. C.

Has your daughter been acting out since he has moved in? How new is this relationship? Why would you let a new man move into your house without knowing how he would treat your daughter and laying sown some rules first? I don't know the background of your situation so I'm not going to get on your case. Bottom line is that she is your daughter and how you discipline her is your decision, not his. I'm assuming you have tried to talk to him about this. You need to lay down the law now and if he doesn't lke it he can live somewhere else.

I hope I can give you sound advice without personalizing too much. I do understand how you feel. I believe it is a terrible mistake to allow someone else to come in to your home and change the way you do things. I made the TERRIBLE mistake of letting my husband (my children's stepfather) come into my home and turn it upside down. I have been married for 4 years and the turmoil has been almost unbearable. YOU NEED TO TALK TO THE GENTLEMAN NOW!!! Don't wait until it's too late. My youngest child, to this day, doesn't even speak to my husband. I now believe that it was a total disruption to my life and the life of my children to let my husband get a foothold in this area. I should have nipped it in the bud and now regret it tremendously. Please, PLEASE, do what you need to to bring this under control NOW.

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I think your answer jumps out from the question.Try to look at this situaion through your daughter's eyes. What do you think she's learning in your current situation?

D.

S.,

Your daughter COMES FIRST!!! I would do what is right for the two of you. Don't be in a relationship just because you want that comfort (I'm a single mom to a daughter as well...), if he is not treating her the way you wish and expect...you need to talk to him about it. If he doesn't respect your wishes...he's outta there! I know it's easy to say, but your daughter needs you to protect her! She is your everything...you are her everything. If he comes in too strong or whatever - her self esteem may be affected...as well as self-confidence etc. This is a tough decision, but if he can't respect what you want for YOUR daughter...then he shouldn't be a part of your life!!!!!!!! ALSO: As a teacher, red flags go up when you tell me that she doesn't want him to watch her...I always think the worst - LISTEN TO YOUR DAUGHTER!!! Good luck S.! Many blessings to you and your daughter! N.

If your daughter doesn't want him to watch her, that is a huge RED FLAG!

Time to step back, (him move out) and find out what is making her feel this way?

It could be far more serious than you think.

Your child IS THE MOST IMPORTANT. Don't let a man move in unless you're married/engaged. PS. Don't marry a man that cannot embrace your child as one of his own. It seems wierd if she doesn't want to be alone with him too. This is how children become damaged. Please don't think I am being judgemental but I have experience with child psyc.

S.,
I agree with the other post... He doesn't have the right to change the way u raise ur daughter but at the same time there does have to be some common ground on certain things. My girls were 7 and 5 when my current husband moved in with us. At first he didn't watch my girls while i worked. They still did their normal routine which was go to papa and grandmas after school. It wasn't because I didn't trust him. It was just a easier way for the girls to adjust to him living with us. Over time I taught my husband I guess u would say ... do's and don't's. I told him he had to respect me on my parenting or else it wouldn't work out. One thing he had bad was he would agrue right back with the girls. Instead of just sayin I told u to do it so please do it, he would argue back and forth with them. The reason why I said some things have to have a common ground is because what if u guys for some reason got married or u had another child with him in the future. You guys would be arguing all the time over who is correct and who isn't. There is a way to compromise situations. I am not sayin all situations. Just some... like my husbands idea of time out was the oldin days.... put a piece of paper up on the wall and they had to stand with their nose up against the paper. I was like OH BOY lol I compromised with him and said okiee time out is good but lets try it this way since it an't 1902 lol Anyways compromise is always a good thing. My husband still agrues with the girls who are now 9 and 7.5. I just remind him that he shouldn't argue with them and let them figure it out between the 3 of them. GOOD LUCK and let us know what happens

NEVER< NEVER have a boyfriend move in with you and your daughter. Get him out of there NOW! You are totally responsible for your daughter and her protection. At the very least you are setting a bad example for her. You are teaching her is is okay for a man to control you....what kind of woman do you want your daughter to be???? At the worst, Lord only knows what goes on when she is left alone with him. She has good reason, believe me, not to want to be alone with him. Tell him to get out NOW!!!! Not one more minute!!! Do the right thing for you and daughter.

No you're not being resistant to change. One thing he needs to realize is that he's no longer in his world, he's in her's and he's the one who needs to make the adjustments that make her comfortable being around him. He can't just come in and change the program like that, she'll never be comfortable around him. She's always going to look at him as the intruder or the person who's trying to take her mom as she knows you away. Try sitting down and talking with him to let him he has to ease his way in with her, that he can't just change her way of doing things abruptly. She's not used to him being around fulltime. She will start to resent him and it will create a problem with your relationship with him. She was here first and he needs to realize that.

Hi S.,
This is coming from experience. If things got difficult when he moved in, then one solution is for him to move out! Offer a continuing courtship while living in separate homes. Right now he is not sacrificing anything. The ones doing the sacrificing is you and your daughter. If he is yelling at her all she is going to see is that mom is not protecting her and may become resentful. If he is ready to accept responsibility, a ring should be slipped on your finger.

No, you need to stand your ground. He is not her father. He is just another adult that would be great to go to for adive, or help. He needs to be a supportive man in her life. Yet, there should be a few things you could talk together about for a compermise. BUT you are the Parent and you should parent. NOT HIM, If her father is in her life, she will resent him for sure. (I KNOW i am remarried, with three kids, for 8 yrs now. My kids are now 20yrs, 16yrs, and 13yrs. Please let him know for you child, you are the parent).

Please if you really like this man, and you think hes the one. You really need to sit down with him and really ask him some serious questions regarding parenting, because if you marry and have children with him, then you can not have two sets of rules for one child then the other.

I hope I could help

I personally think it is a big red flag that your daughter does not want him to watch her. This is a big issue that should not be ignored. I was raised by a single mom and I know that it was very difficult for her, but I did always feel that she put me first and did what was best for me. Please don't get me wrong, I am not saying that you are not trying to do this, but if your daughter is not comfortable with him it certainly warrants a closer look. Try doing some sort of activity with her when he is not around and in the process gently talking with her about your boyfriend. Feel her out and see what about him makes her uneasy. My mom always did her best to make sure I was comfortable around anyone she was dating and usually waited awhile before introducing them to me and I am really grateful for that. Also, if the two of you have such different opinions about big parenting issues, maybe it is just not a good fit. You are not being resistant to change - your gut is telling you that something is not right. Trust yourself. And learn from the experience. Good luck!!!

If your daughter does not want to be left alone with him, beware and do not leave her alone with him. She may know something that you don't.

Hi, I had a similar situation, and I'm sure that every blended family has some version of this issue. You're right that he should not come in and dominate the parenting and change all the rules you have set in place, however, if he's going to be a part of your family and feel like he's not an outsider, he should have a voice in the way the family works. I strongly recommend having a serious talk with him about making a compromise in how you are going to parent her together. You have every right to remain firm on your limits with him and make sure that your daughter is being treated properly, but allow him some space to discuss his ideas. If they're reasonable to you and he's willing to take your critisism, give him the chance to grow into his role in her life. It might not be that comfortable at first, like you said, change is scary and hard for some people, but if you're in a serious relationship with him, then you have to be partners in everything. You have to be willing to watch him make mistakes with her, and keep and open ended conversation going about how you feel about his actions. Suggest he apologize to her when he's been too hard, and encourage him to balance it out with doing fun things with her. Even if it's just playing tag around the house or watching a movie together. This is so new to everyone involved, so all of you have to start being more flexible and welcome the change that if carried out responsibly, can be the beginning of a great family. You have to let him in and get the hang of it, just don't let him over rule you and undermine you. And you should also sit down with your daughter and have a talk with her about the changes that she might have to make. If you explain to her that your boyfriend is trying to fill this role, and it might be challenging for everyone to get into a comfort zone, and make sure she knows that she is still as important to you as she ever was and that there's room in your heart for someone else. this is always hard for people to go through, some people just have more work to do than others. You need to talk to him about this and from that converstion, make a decision as to whether it can work for you all. If you need to, go to the class that another poster mentioned and let someone else help you get through this. My daughter was 19 months when my husband and I met and within 6 months we had moved in with him. At first he was way too hard on her, and I made sure he knew it and over the past 3 years, I've watched him find his way to be her step-dad and they have a wonderful relationship. Now we're married and have an 18 month old son together. I'm so proud of how much he's grown as a dad and husband. I know it's different for you, cause your daughter is 6, so this is way more of an adjustment for her, but I know how it feels and it's really hard to hold the mama bear in me back. If you want him as a partner, you have to be willing to give up a little of the control you've had for 6 years and let this new person in to feel it out. If it just keeps feeling bad for you and your daughter, and you can't take a class with him, then move on, cause there's plenty of guys out there that would love to be good to you and your daughter. Good luck, and if you want to know more about how I got through this, I'd be happy to give you some more advise or just listen.

I don't want this to sound harsh. I was a single (divorced) parent before I married my husband. A single parent for a total of 10yrs. The sign that your daughter doesn't want to be alone with the "boyfriend", she is trying to tell you something. Keep in mind that HE is a BOYFRIEND, not the father of the child.... He can leave at a moments notice... Your "baby" is for a lifetime. Question? How long have you been dating? How long has your daughter know the guy? Why did he move in? You will need to sit back and take stock of what is going on. And if, your thoughts have an ounce of doubt. Kick him to the curb... Again, I apologize if this seems harsh, but your "baby" is FOREVER!!!!

S.,
Any guy that isn't desperate to commit to you in a death do you part relationship isn't worth your time. You are worth dying for. You are worth fighting for. It is important that your daughter sees this or she will grow up also thinking she isn't worth fighting for. You are setting the standard for her. Plus, I don't know how many little girls I have heard of or know of that have been molested by the mom's live in boy-friend. She is worth protecting. Attraction isn't the best sign of who is the right prospect. You need to take "time" to really know a person and see how they react in hard times and even more importantly...to your feelings. Even 2 perfect people may not be perfect for each other. If they don't want the responsibilities of marriage, then don't give them the benefits. Have patients. I know it is hard to be alone. But a life long relationship that will make you happy is worth the wait. It's like finding treasure. It takes much effort to find the true gold. But when you do it's worth the process. A good book to read is: I Kissed Dating Goodbye, by Joshua Harris. Check Amazon.com. He is married now and still dates his wife like they just met. Who wouldn't want that??? So kick the guy out and get real picky. Decide "ahead" of time the kind of guy you want to find. The kind you deserve (leaving looks out as they change so much as years go by) and stick to it. Let him fight for you and commit for life. He is out there and you are worth the best and so is your daughter. A..

Get him out of there.

If you daughter doesn't want him to watch her...he needs to go.

It's gonna hurt in the short run but be MUCH better in the long run!

GOOD LUCK!

I would sit him down and gently tell him that you're her mother and that what YOU say goes. While you appreciate his concern, it's not his place to discipline and set goals for her. At this point, he is not even a stepfather and is totally overstepping his boundaries. When it boils down to it, until he adopts her as his own, this is YOUR child. From her point of view, I'm sure it's confusing and upsetting that this man is coming in and turning her household upside down and you're letting him do it. I'm sure it's nice to have someone to help you out after being a single mom for so long, but I think it will be a smoother transition for all of you if you are the one who does the parenting.

Sorry if I sound really harsh or strong minded about this, but as mothers, it's our responsibilities to protect our children and do what's best for them. I'm married, but my husband works constantly, so he sometimes only sees our daughter for 10 minutes a day, so I basically have no help in the day to day things that go along with raising a child. If I feel that he goes against the way I do things, I let him know. There cant be one rule for one parent and one for the other. If he is too strict, I let him know, if he has disciplined her for something that doesnt deserve it, I let him know.

I can tell it is bothering you, otherwise you wouldnt have questioned it. Let your heart lead you and you will do what's right.

A six year old being vocal about not wanting to be with an adult should set off alarms. I'm not saying anything bad is happening, but be careful and be aware. I see other issues in your posting, but I think this is the one that needs immediate attention. Don't leave them alone.

We learn how to parent (for better or worse)from our parents or caregivers. My husband and I have very different opinions about child rearing and discipline for our daughter. I don't always agree with the way he handles things, and he doesn't agree with the way I handle things, but we NEVER DISAGREE in front of our daughter because she will learn, even if subconsciously, how to play us against each other. So that's the first issue - never disagree in front of your daughter.

That doesn't mean you should not address your concerns with him. You've been a single mother for 6 years, so you've never had to share the decision making with anyone else. I don't think you're being resistant to change, but you have been used to doing it alone.

Also, just be careful about living together - if there are plans to marry this man and make him a permanent part of you and your daughter's lives, then you need to make an effort to compromise and let him become a parent to your child. Until a decision to marry is made, it is my opinion that you are still a single parent, so what you say goes. And you need to let him know that.

Hi, S.. There is a huge problem in your home. You are already sensing it as well as the fact that your daughter is trying to tell you. Please listen to her. When my daughter was 7, her father and I split up. There was more than one man that I "dumped" because he was not right for my daughter...it didn't matter what I thought of him. Your daughter will only be a child once. You only have one chance to give her a safe, happy childhood. Don't blow it over a man. If what you have been doing with her works, then who is he to walk into the picture and push his ways and opinions into the routine? If she feels uneasy or insecure around him, what message are you sending her if you allow this to continue? Your daughter needs to know that you will protect her and keep her safe no matter what. She needs to be your top priority. I think that you are already seeing what is going on. Let him know in no uncertain terms that she comes first and what has been going on either stops, or he needs to move back out. And whatever you do, DON'T make her stay alone with him if she is that uncomfortable. Good luck.

I'm not a big one on giving advice, but I feel I need to say something. And please take this in the best way possible. If your daughter isn't comfortable around him and he doesn't respect the way your household runs, why is he there? I'm a single M. and I wouldn't let any guy move in unless my son was completely comfortable with him and we were married. He would also have to respect the fact that everything had been a certain way for so long and that children are nit good with change no matter what the age. Just my thoughts.

When you let someone move in with you it is like a trial basis. I believe that it is better to find out what a person is like when you are in this position rather than being married to him and finding out. You both need to come to an understanding on the correcting since he is living there, he needs to have her respect. So if you are not standing behind him in what he says she never will respect him and you will always have problems. The same with him he has to stand behind you too. If you have a disagreement on the child rearing keep it to your self and discuss it with him when your beautiful daughter is not around to hear. This will then let your daughter know that you are both a team and won't get confused and angry.
I hope this helps you out

Hi S.,
This is S. from Watervliet Michigan. Coming from a blended family myself my advice would be if it's not working very well already, please don't think in time it will get better. To me this is a sign of control and you need to think what's best for your daughter right now. She is still very young and needs you and lots of love and encouragement. If she is not feeling comfortable around him already, it will only cause her and yourself alot of emotional problems in the near future. Something I've learned about raising children is that they are very smart and can pick up on things about people faster then we as adults can. I would have a talk with your daughter about the live in arrangement and see how she really feels. Remember she's God's gift to you to love and nurture. I guess what I'm saying is she's your responsibility not his and if he's not going to love and support you the way you both need without trying to change you, then I think you know in your heart what needs to be done . On the other hand If he's a spiritual leader and is willing to receive help on blending families and is open to change himself then with God althings are possible.
Your Sister in Christ,
S.

S.-
Every family therapist in the western hemisphere will tell you that even if you were in a second marriage (which this could be considered), the spouse who is not the natural parent of the child in question should LEAVE THE PARENTING TO THE NATURAL PARENT!!!
Trust your instincts-if you feel that he's too hard on her (your daughter), then it's time to talk to him about it. If he seems too resistant, maybe it's time to tell him to change his zip code (move out).
Good luck, and stick to your guns, girlfriend!
L. M.

S.,

I signed on to add my two cents, but after reading your response I want to say WOW I am sooooooooooooo proud!!!!! of you. I know that what you did must have been very difficult to say out loud and to follow through on, but I believe with all my heart that you did the right thing.

Good luck and good wishes in everything you do. It sounds like you are a wonderful mother with a daughter to match. Congratulations on your success in raising her.

L.

Great choice. God Bless you..........
Also I am not sure what your religious preference is but ask God if this man is for you....HE will let you know if you sincerly mean it and can listen and recognize when HE responds.
Peace and Blessings

I, too, wondered how long you dated before he moved in...you mention it's a new relationship. All children will have difficulty adjusting, especially when it's not anything they have control over or a say so in. I would err on the side of caution with this one and have him move out. Obviously, check into her reasoning for not wanting him around/watching her to see if there's ANYTHING going on. I pray not. Address her concerns and see what she thinks. I do think the parent (that would be YOU) makes the final decisions, but she still needs to feel she can come to you and that you will consider her feelings. I'm not saying to give in to anything she asks for, obviously, but let her know that she comes first and her opinions mean something.

Next, seems ilke you are not liking this change, either. An addition to the family should be that - ADDING/CONTRIBUTING. He isn't there to change everything, especially in such a short time. If he were to stay, this needs to be made clear. You obviously don't like his style with things and how he is changing your family....this isn't going to get better. It's a huge warning sign. (But it's also something that could be corrected in discussing things with him, if he's worth keeping around.)

Okay, do you want to continue a relationship with him or break it off completely? If you find that your daughter is just not used to him and not liking the way he interacts with her, and that you DO want to continue this relationship....I would recommend telling him that you think this moved too fast and you have to consider your daughters feelings above your own. Tell him that things need to slow down, he should get his own place and ease into things. (I am going to second the thought that when there is a kid involved, marriage before moving in is a good idea.) Next, if you don't want to see him - tell him, this isn't working out and he needs to go (and have him go NOW!).

If he doesn't want to move out for the sake of your own child and gets defensive....then he is selfish and doesn't have your family's best interest at heart and that should be a clear answer to what the next step is (and that would be to get rid of him, he's not the one for you).

Best wishes to you.

I am very concerned that your daughter doesn't want to be alone with him. I remarried after a divorce and my son was happy to be with my new husband. When you meet the right guy, the discipline issue won't be an issue. He Either he is too hard on her, or he is doing things he shouldn't be doing. It's hard to admit that something is going on. Maybe your daughter won't talk to you, but you might want to get her some alone time with someone she might talk to so that you can find out what is going on, because if he is doing something he shouldn't, you need to help her deal with it, even after he is gone. Get rid of him!!!!!! Please get rid of him.

Hi S.! The first thing that screams trouble to me is that your daughter does not want to "be watched" by him. That is a huge red flag. I would be EXTREMELY cuatious leaving this guy alone with my daughter. The fact that he wants to come in and "take over" also tells me he may have some control issues under the surface somewhere. NOT a good situation to be in for yourself or your daughter. This guy is not your daughters father. He has no right to come in and start doing things his way. A discussion with you when your daughter is not around is cool. You have been raising your daughter for 6 years with your rules and standards. That is what she expects now. She is the most important thing in your life. DO NOT risk your relationship with her for a man. If I were in your shoes I would be inviting him to leave....soon...

This man has no right to come into your home and start disciplining your daughter. You are her mother you should always be the one to discipline her, even if you were married. Now if he wants to discuss discipline with you without your daughter being present, then you do the disciplining that would be okay. He should first a foremost become her friend. She has no obligation to him, after all he has come in and taken away some of mommy's time from her. These children have a hard enough time adjusting without a daddy in the home, then another person moves in and tries to take them over. Absolutely not, I experienced the same situation with my 9 year old son. After much counseling and advice, we told him no one would ever take his daddy's place, and my husband was always his friend. We discussed his discipline privately and I initiated it. Tell your little girl how much you love her.

My husband and I were on the verge of divorce after our first child was born and we had to go to S.T.E.P. (systematic training for effective parenting) classes. That was one of the best things we ever did. It got us on the same page as parents and we are still together 8 years later and never been happier!
It will never work if you are not a united front. When you add a new family member, change is unavoidable. Maybe taking a class together will teach everyone to compromise. The classes helped teach my husband and myself to communicate better in all our relationships.
I wish you the best of luck!

Hi S., Wow, this is an issue! He has NO right to tell you how to raise your children and because he "LOVES" you enough to move in........WHY would he need to change YOU!! I think as a matter of fact I KNOW he should respect YOU and your discipline techniques. If he doesn't respect YOU and your household he may as well "Move out NOW". He is supposed to add something to the home not take away or change things. He knew YOU didn't he?? He has had to have seen YOU do all of these things YOU are mentioning now, before?? He is looking for some type of control. Is he willing to work with YOU on this?? That is the "big issue". How do YOU two handle things together. As a man he should welcome coming into the home and learning how things are done, not change them. Try talking to him or let him take over the garage if he needs to be in charge of something. If the children are unhappy, there's a sign! Kids are good judges of character. NO, YOU absolutely DO NOT need to be harder on YOUR children. A relationship should enhance your life not try to change YOU. I hope the two of YOU can work this out. If he is unwilling to give at all that is YOUR key. Lock him OUT!