Advice on My Daughter Who Is Now an Adult Herself

K.,
You are correct that for the age of your daughter and to live in a dececent size city where there are activities to do it is quite normal for her to act how she is acting. I would suggest a few things. First make sure you know what you and your husband are willing to put up with and willing to go through before you talk with her. If you start suggesting you will evict her there may be a time when you have to follow through or she will move on her own. If you think you seldom see her now you will see her even less then and have a lot less control over her and just have to sit back and watch her decisions or mistakes. Being pushed into supporting herself might not make her more responsible and could make her quit school and make choices you think are even worse than the ones she is making now. Once you have decided your positions and know where you stand make an appointment with her for a family meeting. Allow everyone to speak freely and try to come to some compromises and solutions. Try to treat it as if you were solving problems with coworkers at a staff meeting. Try not to be too emotional and get everyone to agree to stay until some plan is created dispite emotions. As for your relationship with your daughter try scheduling a get together. You may have to push your schedule around and meet her for lunch but it would be a beginning. You might also have better luck to if you include the boyfriend or her closest girlfriend - maybe invite them for supper and do a Bar-B-Q or a pizza & movie night - college students are often hungry. As for her financial wellbeing you have to think back to what you have taught her. My mother didn't teach me she just told me to be careful with my spending and to save as much as I could. This doesn't show you how to do it. A great teacher is the Dave Ramsey programs. Look on the net and find a class near you or listen to his radio program and buy a book. You will find wonderful insight to help even your 6 yr old learn to save and make good money choices. Hope this helps.

hi K., i just read your post about your daughter and i would like to share a few things with you. first of all my name is B. and i have a 19 year old going to 20 next mo. sara is her name, when sara turned 17 & still in h.s. she met this boy who was just18 at the time,they were together for his last year of h.s. and she had one more yr left. before she got together with him she was the perfect little girl,but soon after meeting him she started skipping school not coming home from school & not coming home at all on occassions,she just went down hill. he finally grad,and i thought this thing with him would have been over but no it wasnt!! her last yr rolledaround & he was still there he would rush to pick her up after school so she wouldnt come home on the weekends they would actually hide from me so i couldnt find them.i calld the police to go find them for that couple of mo. but the police finally told me there was nothing i could do she is almost 18, then he took her back to his home town & she went to a diff school, i was so angry but she was almost 18 so i lost, she did grad finally,but all of this nonsence for two yrs and she ran off & married him without telling me or even inviting me.well i have finally forgiven her but i dint abandon her for those 2 yrs i just kept on her. she just couldnt stay away from him now she is about to be a mommy, its tough when these kids want to be adults,they think they know it all but guess what she kept coming back every couple of mo. but when he wanted her to come back to him she just left not saying a word. i tried to tell her no more no more but i just couldnt!! others say tough love dont let them do this to you, but others are not in this situation so what to do? well? keep reminding her that you will be there for her no matter what but dont let her take advantage of you she's an adult now treat her like an adult tell her if she dont she will have to find another place to live . trust me its the hardest thing a parent has to do but they do come back, im still at that stage with her but shes married now with a baby on the way, i cant do it anymore. when they grow up you cant stop them from doing what they want to do, they just do it. dont let her rule your life like mine has to me they have to really grow up some day!! im sorry this was so long but i was there and i still am now im gonna be a grandma. please keep in touch & let me know what happens? i'll be hear to listen. -----
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You had your daughter at a young age and I'm sure, you were thrust into adulthood unceremoniously. It does not sound like your daughter is ready to be an adult yet even though she is older then you were when you first had her. She wants her freedom but doesn't want the responsibility that comes with it. I would sit and have a talk with her about the most important points to you. Based on your post:
1. In exchange for room and board, her "job" is to watch her little brother "X" times per week and clean the bathroom "X" times per week. Make it known that she can be fired from that job if she doesn't perform it well.
2. In exchange for room and board, she must be in her "room" by midnight each night. Make it known that she can be asked to leave if she doesn't abide by the rules.
3. Because you have now entered into a "business" relationship she is under no obligation to spend time with you as a family.
4. Lying will not be tolerated. However, no questions will be asked about her personal life anymore either.

Add more points as necessary.

Remember, family is important to children until the teenage years. Then, all of a sudden their parents know nothing. Then, all of a sudden, in their mid-twenties or so, parents become knowledgeable again and important. Family becomes important again.

As a parent, you do need to let go to let her grow. But, stick to your rules and if need be, start making her pay rent. If she doesn't get it that you have just offered her a free ride and take advantage of that start making her pay $100 a week (that is extremely cheap rent!) and $50 per week for her food and utilities. Then, she can do whatever she wants with her time. You can guide her and teach her about the real world by treating her like the real world would treat her. You definitely won't teach her anything by preaching but you already know that.

I was kicked out of the house 2 weeks after I turned 18 years old. I was not a problem child - quite the opposite actually. My step-dad just wanted to be rid of kids and his 3 sons and my sisters and brother were already gone. I was the only one left and he was done with kids. I got an apartment and lived alone and took the bus everywhere because my stepdad would not allow me to get my license (insurance would go up with a teenage driver)and I certainly couldn't afford a car anyway. I walked home from work most nights because the bus ride(s) took longer then the one hour walk. I lived in a not so nice neighborhood because I was only making minimum wage. It was scary and I had a few encounters that still make my hair stand on end. 5 years after high school I finally went back to school and it took me 5 years to get my associates degree because I was working 2 jobs in addition to night classes.

Your daughter is lucky to have you and your husband. I wish I had gotten a better start in life. BUT, I learned how to be self-sufficient and independent. I learned how to budget money and use it wisely. I learned to live without when I had to. Your daughter is not learning any of that right now. It is important for her to be strong so that she doesn't end up in a bad relationship or marriage because she is dependent on others to carry her through life. She is lucky to have you but you need to teach her to take care of herself because if you don't you aren't doing her any favors.

Hope this helps!
K.

IMO your daughter is probably acting like most 19 year olds, but maybe the difference is that rather than living at school or on her own she lives with you, which makes what she is doing much more visible to you. I don't think you can "force" her to want to spend more time with you, and I think that in time that piece of your relationship will come. I do think it is a really bad idea for her to not go to school because of a man, and I also think that if she isn't holding up to her end of the bargain you should probably have a conversation about how you would like things to change if your arrangement is going to continue, or what will have to happen if they do not change. I.e., for example, maybe she would need to find her own place.

As someone who isn't too much older than your daughter(25), as someone who went through this phase, and also a mother, my best advice is to just set ground rules, but let her go through her phase. She is going to do what every 18-19 year old does, go through their rebel phase. Some are worse than others. Mine was pretty bad with lots of parties, boys, and broken curfews. My parents were strict and consistent with me (which I hated) but now I am so thankful that they set boundaries for me and loved me throughout my rebel phase. I regret a lot of what I did and what I said when I was mad at them, but I am closer to my mom now than before. Just love her and let her know you'll be there for her no matter what. So, I hope I can help a little. Good luck to you as you enter yet another phase of the life of a child.

K.-
My advice is hang in there. Remember that is a the age when parents do not know anything!! I have seen it in many of the best kids as a counselor. They get a little bit of freedom and they test their wings. Remind her that this still is your home and she has a half brother that still has school and such everyday. Be firm with her in the fact that if she can not respect your home rules and life then she will need to decide her priorities at this time.
My favorite saying is that we raise our kids to have wings of their own. As tough at it is, we raise them to be independant, but when that day comes we want them back in the nest. Good luck, but remember you raised her to be independant and trustworthy so I am sure she will be!! :)

My children are 14 and under, But I remember being 19 attending a community college having a boyfriend, working, living at home etc... Just like your daughter. She is a teenager. I look back and see how I angered my mom, But again I was a teenager. Please dont push her too much. I was pushed too much and it wasnt the greatest thing. Love her, support and be there when she needs you. When she needs you! My mom and I now have a great relationship now that I am older.
She needs to know if she is late for work its not your problem. She thinks she is an adult. We learn from our mistakes. P.

Hi K.. Your daughter probably IS staying close to home because of her boyfriend. I think the thing to focus on in that situation is that the boyfriend may come or go, but she IS going to college, even if it is not the college she originally intended on, and that will stay. It is a difficult age. However, she is an adult now, and has to start making her own descisions. Of course she doesn`t want to save money--she wants to spend it on clothes, music, going out with her friends, on probably on the ridiculous call phone bill she has. You realize the imortance of saving this money for school because at one point maybe you didn`t and you regret it. It is natural for parents to try to protect their children from making mistakes, but at this point the best thing you can do for her is to give her advice when she is open to it and enable her to make good descisions for herself. You said you were close, and it is clear how much you love her, so I am guessing that she will be able to recover well from any teenage mistakes she makes because of her good upbringing and supportive mother. Please think about lifting her curfew. This will give her the opportunity to have her independence and use her time wisely. And she will probably stay out all noght for a few nights and then realize after her first college exam that that really doesn`t work. She may do this a couple of times before she gets it, but I guarantee she will be coming home on her own sooner than you think.

She probably doesn`t want to feel responsible for watching your son, and she probably feels guilty about it. I think this may be why she lied to you, because she sounds like a good woman and that it wasn`t out of malice. Talk to her about it and tell her that dishonesty at this point is unacceptable. Tell her you want a relationship with her and you are excited about her new adult life. You may have to wait a few years to really make this relationship solid, but in time you will have a daughter and a friend. You are making the transition from raising a child and giving her the tools to succeed to watching her use those tools to be successful, and you know she will make mistakes which will cause her (and probably you) some pain. If her dishonesty is not a regular incidence I would really try to address it and move on. Tell her you would be thankful if she could watch your son, but then start looking for a babysitter who you can rely on. Let her know the responsibilities that come with living with you and tell her it is her choice if she wants to live there or not. Tell her she has two weeks to decide if this arrangment is acceptable, and if not that you will help her look for an apartment, help her move, and help her create a budget for paying rent, bills, school etc. This way it is her descision to stay and be responsible, or she will discover that she has to clean alot more than just the bathroom when she gets her own place!

Do you know what she is interested in? Maybe you could find a chill concert to go to with her, or her favorite store and go shopping and lunch, or maybe to a movie that she wants to see. She may be responsive or she may not, and that is painful. But she will remember this in a few years and it will ultimatley strengthen your relationship. I think.

Overall, 19 is a super hard age. Try to give her freedom, guidance and love, and then step back and watch her grow. She`ll figure ouot college don`t worry. My parents could not help me out alot financially through college and I paid for much of it myself. I even took off for two years between high school and college. I didn`t get along with my mother until I was 20 or so, and I didn`t``really begin to appreciate how much she`s done until I had my own child. I made many mistakes and even took off of college for a semester. But I graduated with honors, and am now working on my doctorate. I hope that this is helpful to you. Good luck, and tell your daughter you are proud of her.

M.

Here's a saying I repeated to myself , like a chant, when I went through the same thing with my oldest daughter.
"MY dreams for my daughter are not HER dreams."

This behavior can go on forever, or you can give her a helping hand, and make her move out. I kicked out my daughter for EVERYTHING you mentioned, plus, she was skipping class at community college. I had put up with it for a YEAR, before I had enough of it all. I was recouperating from a cancer realted surgery, and she refused to spend enough time to lift a finger to help the family ought.
WE had been the best of friends, up to this point. Now we loathed each other.
Within weeks, we were best friends again. There just comes a time when two women cannot both be the boss of the house, and one has to move on!