How to Deal with Angry College Daughter When We Said We Won't Pay Your Rent If..

Okaaaay, but you just effectively moved her in with him. Right? And when it fizzles in 3 months, because he realizes that a 20 year old doesn't fit with a 33 year old life, then she has no place to live. She IS DEPENDENT UPON HIM.

Not to mention that you are penalizing her for someone else's choices that she truly has no control over. That's not really logical.

you done messed up... just pay for the rent no matter where some grown man decides to live.
apoligise for being irrational. tell her you will give it a chance BUT if grades slip then she will have to rethink the relationship and life goals.

If you stop paying her rent, she will stay with him 7 days a week, 365 days a year. You give her no other choice. And she will probably have no relationship with YOU. You are pushing her right into his arms.

I have college age kids. One is at school, one lives at home. You have WAY OVERSTEPPED.

Seriously, who are you to tell her whether or not her boyfriend - a grown man - can move somewhere? And if he makes this decision - which she really has no say in - you're then going to punish her financially? Really? This is what good parenting of an adult child looks like to you? Because to me, it looks like manipulation and control.

Guess what - she's an adult. As long as she's doing well in school and earning credits towards her degree, you really shouldn't care where she sleeps at night. If she had a college-age boyfriend, you would have no idea how many nights she spent at his place or vice-versa.

You are attempting an inappropriate power play, and it's backfiring. If you want to repair the relationship, you need to have a heart-to-heart. Tell her that you were wrong to threaten her. Then lay your worries and fears out on the table, then tell her that these are the reason that you over-reacted. And then that even though you don't feel good about this relationship for the reasons you listed, you love and respect her and trust her to make good decisions and stay on track at school.

And that's it. If things start to go off the rails at school, then you have something to complain about. But after you've shared your concerns about the guy and the relationship, you've got to just zip your lips and trust that you've raised her right and that if this relationship is a mistake, that she'll be able to course correct on her own.

Time to treat her like an adult. I know it's hard, but you can't try to lay down a power play like this. She's not a little kid anymore.

well, i guess if you're paying the rent you can impose any rules you want. it's your money. if she doesn't like it, she's old enough to figure out what to do to stand on her own two feet.

and i hope she does. being so overbearing that you're sticking your nose into her bed is infantilizing her and making it clear that you don't trust her to make adult decisions.

i find it interesting that your boundary isn't about her dating, or even her moving in with someone. it's because someone over whom you DON'T have control is making a decision.

if he were planning to move in with her, i think you'd have a voice, if not a final say.

but just moving to be near her, and you think she might have sex with him from time to time?

what century do you live in?

it's also telling that at 20 she's just having her first boyfriend. that has 'controlling micromanaging parents' written all over it.

if you don't want to break your relationship with her for good, i suggest you rethink your position.

or you can keep treating her like a toddler and insisting that it's 'boundaries.'
i like boundaries.

yours are like barbed wire.
khairete
S.

So your going to take away her independent place and force her to move in with her boyfriend.. cuz that wouldn't push her into a more serious level..

Rethink.. NOW

You are going to cut off rent if another adult decides to relocate, not move in with her, just relocate? You know she could just as easily meet a young man (of any age) in her current town and spend 3-4 nights a week with him. Your daughter sounds like she does have her priorities straight. Is she moving and transferring schools to be near him? No. Are they moving in together? No. She's keeping her own place to focus on her studies and maintain her independence. That is, unless you cut that off. Your relationship is broken because she is 20 and you are trying to control her. You have to let go, YOU can't rob her of her college years. Her choices, her mistakes, are hers alone.

I got engaged when I was a sophomore to a young man who had already graduated and moved away from our college town. He was a senior when I was a freshman. I lived with him during the summers and worked in the city where we could be together (and I could earn a lot more money). I was only 19. I know my mom has NOT happy. But she didn't say a word. I was paying for college by myself. But if she was paying, and if she pulled that support, I would have dropped out or transferred to the city instead of staying at my chosen school another 3 years. We got married after I graduated in 1993, and we are still married today.

Wait....so her boyfriend is moving closer to her...not moving IN with her.
You have decided that she is going to sleep with him 3-4 nights a week...although how you would KNOW that is beyond me.
She says she DOESN'T want to move in with him because she knows she is taking upper divisions courses and needs to finish school.
So you are pulling her funding that she needs for rent.
Because you don't THINK that she will put enough time towards school and because you THINK she is over her head.
Mama....I think you are blowing it. I think this is YOUR problem, not hers. I think you are going to push your daughter away from you. I think you need to look inside of you and see what your problem is. Did you do that? Have a boyfriend and stop caring about school? So you assume that she is?
If we have to pick sides....I am on your daughters.

(HOWEVER....I think your daughter is very lucky that you are helping her pay rent and for college. How awesome is that? I don't want you to think that I don't realize that. I just think it's kind of crappy to take it away because of something you think might happen)
ADDED - While it may seem crazy to you that she is dating a 33 year old man...when I was 20 I dated a guy who was 33. And we dated for 4(!) years. So this may NOT blow over in a couple of months...and then what? No relationship with your daughter for 4 years? Or more?

You're happy she's in love but you don't want her to sleep with him in his place? Is that the dividing line? How do you know where she will sleep? Where did you get the estimate of 3-4 nights a week? From her? Before she met this boyfriend, assuming she was in college for 2 years, how do you know where and with whom she's been sleeping? Maybe this is a terrible idea, this boyfriend. But that's what young people do - they date stupid people and they regret it, or maybe they hit it right the first time. Who knows.

I assumed, when my kid went to college, that I had given him all the structure and guidance I could up to that point. After that, my job was done. What good would it have done for me to prohibit or limit his social relationships?

I think 1 of 2 things will happen.
1) This guy will relocate and will find he has nothing in common with a 20 year old college student and her 20 year old friends and their campus life.
2) You will drive her into his arms by forbidding it. She won't have any money so she will drop out of college and align herself with an older man because she feels her parents have abandoned her. Not that you have - but she will see it that way. And she won't finish school.

Or you can choose #3: You raised her, you trust her, you value her brain and her ability to handle a college course load. You taught her to make decisions and so now you have to let her. She trusted you enough to tell you about her relationship, and now she feels judged. I think if you say "you're a good girl" she is going to hear you say, "you're a good girl, but..."

I think you agree to pay for your original agreement and perhaps it's based on her passing courses and even contributing through a part-time job - whatever the deal was, if it didn't include "so long as you never have a boyfriend you sleep with," she hasn't violated anything.

It doesn't change your financial costs if she stays in her place, his place, a friend's place, or your place on vacation. You have to keep the relationship open. You can say you don't want to talk about her sex life (and she probably doesn't either), but I'd stay out of it. She's 20, after all.

Yes you broke the relationship.

My daughter is 22 and I pay all of her college expenses. I do. It tell her how to live her life... I trust that I raised a good kid.

My mom threw a fit when I chose to move to TX with my husband. Our relationship has never been the same since. She even turned my daughter against her as well.

Be careful when you tell your adult children how to live.

I know you don't want to fund her bf living expenses but by cutting out her place to live and be an independent young woman, you are forcing her to go live with him.

Have you completely lost your mind?! Now she HAS to move in with him!! And you act like she can control the actions of a 33-year-old man? How exactly is she supposed to control where he chooses to move??? Be happy that she is in college (close to graduation, I guess, at age 20?). Don't cut off her rent.

You are giving her an ultimatum based on someone else's actions.

You are telling her that you know she will screw up. I'd be pissed too.

I fell for a guy in college, and did screw up my studies.

How you are handling it will send her scurrying into his arms.

Just be supportive and offer sage advice. Remind her that there's a balance - dating and studies. Studies come first.

I'd apologize and give her some credit.

I think you need to call her back and tell her that you made a mistake and misspoke. You want her to stay in her current housing and finish school so she can have a good future. Since the boyfriend is moving to her area but not into her housing I think you need to take that as a sign that while she's head over heels in love she's not throwing everything away on this guy. He may end up not moving or he may find out that their day to day in person interactions aren't great and it could fizzle.

Your focus should be on your daughter and NOT THIS RELATIONSHIP. The more you focus on the guy the more attractive you make him. If he turns out to be a frog instead of a prince she may get stuck with him just to prove she's right and you are wrong. You don't want to start down that path.

I am sorry you spoke first and then came here. I agree with the others that she's proven herself in her studies, there's no reason for mistrust. You are sending a powerful message and I don't think it's the one you want. I think you can mend this maybe by admitting you spoke too quickly out of fear for her future and you'd like a do over. When I screw up with mine I tell them I've never been the parent of a 17 year old girl and that I'm sorry I overreacted. It never comes from a place of malice but concern. Hopefully you will consider the advice given and reconsider your position. You're looking at a lifetime relationship that you're willing to damage over a guy who may or may not be a permanent fixture in her life. If he is and they have children down the line, wouldn't you rather have a great relationship with your daughter instead of a fractured one?

He isn't moving in with her, he is moving nearby and because of that you cut her rent fund? Seriously? If they were moving in together that would be one thing but they aren't. So what if she goes over a few nights a week? What exactly does that have to do with you?

What I can absolutely guarantee you now is she WILL move in with him. Congratulations! This is not a hill to die on my friend. Not one bit.

Honestly, you need to rethink your stance.

I know you will not want to hear this but...You made the ultimate mistake in parenting when it comes to them finding a boyfriend/girlfriend. You gave her an ultimatum - and she is an adult. When I read the title I thought she was getting married to moving in with someone. That is not the case. It really isn't an issue or an extreme issue at all. Her boyfriend wants to move closer to her. You didn't mention what type of person he is. Whether he is right for her is for her to learn. She is an adult and in her upper courses in college. Why don't you have faith in how you raised her? From what you stated, she sounds like she has a plan and moving forward with her life including having a partner.

Yes, tell her that you were wrong and you are sorry and you will continue to pay her rent, as previously agreed.

You have to let her be an adult and make her own decisions. She's going to school, right? Part of going to school is everything that happens outside the classroom. Making decisions about friends and boyfriends/girlfriends and how to handle different life situations. You're not going to love every decision she makes, but she needs to learn to make decisions for herself. This includes a first love. She's not going to learn if you are calling the shots.

This is a huge financial burden you are placing on her. How, exactly, is she supposed to suddenly come up with the money to start paying her own rent?

Is this something she should have seen coming? Is there anything you said to her previously that might have given her the idea that her boyfriend moving closer might cost her her housing?

It just really sounds like you are trying to control her. She's not going to learn that way. You have to give her room to make her own decisions, and placing this huge financial burden on a full time student just sends the message that Mom doesn't really care.

What a great idea threaten her ability to graduate and support herself over a boyfriend living nearby! Your primary goal should not be controlling her life but making sure she will always have the best chance to control her own life.

When I was 19, I got pregnant by my now husband...he is 17 years older than I am. I don't know how it works, it just does. My parents were unhappy that I was young, unmarried, and pregnant, but they supported me. My husband and I moved in with my parents for a few months until our apartment was ready. My parents AND husband supported me to finish school (I obtained both my dual BS and MBA) and never once made ultimatums to me.

I am VERY close with my parents, so is my husband. We see them weekly at a minimum and it all works out. Were they thrilled when everything first happened? No way. But did they love and support ME? 100%. I can't imagine if it had been any other way.

You need to rethink how you're handling this. She isn't marrying him right now (I was married at 21, and that's young!!), but she's in a relationship with him. They aren't buying a house together, they will live near each other. I honestly don't get the issue you are having.

(My husband and I will be married 13 years this year, and while we have some major issues we have had to overcome, I am married to an awesome guy.)

Tread lightly. Your future relationship is at stake. BTW, my parents had a 13 year age gap and were very happy. If it were me. I'd apologize for not trusting her to do the right thing.

My 40+ year old co-worker just took a test to become a school paraprofessional in our district ($14,000 yr). She has wanted to be a teacher since she was 9 (minimum 3-4x salary of para pro).

She only completed half of the required credit hours in college. Why? Because she fell in love with a man 15 years her senior whom her parents refused to approve of. So to 'show her parents who's boss' she continued to date him and they pulled the plug on her college funding.

And that's how she ended up where she is today. She looked at me the day before she had to take her test and asked, "what was I thinking back then...so stupid". She was so mad at herself for deciding to pick the man (they are married) over the education. She feels stuck, and too old to go back to college (I don't).

She was thinking like a twenty something, believing dreams can be a problem free reality, not as a fully mature adult who can understand long range consequences of their decisions (or regrets).

Please don't pull the plug on her college funding.

Please rethink this decision. Refusing to pay her rent may very well push her into moving in with him. Then, what happens if the relationship goes sour? She'll have no place to go! You'll have put her in a very difficult situation at a time when she thinks her relationship with you is shot. She needs to be encouraged to keep her own place so that she retains OPTIONS. Pay the rent!

seems like you would be removing her ability to be independent and get away from him and pushing her towards him - if she had a 20 yr old local boyfriend the same may happen.

perhaps this isn't really the best way to send your message.

I don't know...my feelings on this are that you are being too controlling. She is an adult and she has a boyfriend who she loves. If she is doing well in her classes and is working hard in college then I don't see why you should want to control her personal life. I met my husband when I was 20. I did not know that he was the person I would spend the rest of my life with...because even I thought that that was very young to settle down. But we have been together 25 years now and our marriage is strong! We met in college and I was very serious about working hard on getting my degree and then going to graduate school afterwards. He did too. Who knows...their relationship may or may not last. But she is an adult and her personal relationships are something she has to figure out herself. I think your job is to encourage her to focus on school and her dreams and goals in life. (remember, she can do this and have a boyfriend at the same time)

I think you probably should really sit down and think this through. What are you hoping to happen by not paying her rent? It sounds like you're trying to discourage this relationship with the much older man but by not paying her rent you're pushing her to move in with him. Perhaps even pushing her away from her studies as she will now have more financial responsibilities. Your obvious attempts to draw a line between her and this man will likely do what it usually does and further cement her to him. I understand your fear but I encourage you to support her the way you would normally and have open honest conversations with her, as you would any other adult. You'll probably get a lot farther with respect.

Is she failing school? Is she not attending classes? Would there even be an issue if the boyfriend lived locally and was her age? The guy is 33, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt that he has a job in the works when he moves. Do you know for a fact that he's going to come here and possibly mooch off your daughter? Your daughter is 20, she is old enough to live in learn. Who cares if this relationship may only last for so long. She's going to take the positives and negatives out of this relationship and figure out later on in life what kind of future husband she wants.

She's not asking you for extra money. YOU need to apologize and get over this until you have solid facts that this boyfriend is having an affect on her schooling.

I do think you have a right to place any conditions on the money you kindly give your daughter, and at first I thought you should stand your ground, but after thinking about it further I changed my response. I don't think you are obligated to pay for any of your child's college expenses. I didn't pay for my daughter's college expenses, and while she bitched and moaned about it on occasion, she didn't threaten me with the loss of our relationship. IMO you should not be bullied into this.

However, you cannot control what this guy does,and you can't stop him from moving wherever he wants to. So you will have to be prepared to follow through if he moves close to her. Are you really willing to risk not paying for your daughter's college and taking the chance on what she might do then?

I do think it's best to trust your daughter's judgment, and/or let her learn life lessons. Your conditions on the money should be that she keep her grades up.

However, I disagree that you need to be making some profuse apology to her; this wasn't some terrible action on your part. We all make judgment calls as parents, and some end up correct and some don't. You can simply tell her that you thought about it and changed your mind and decided to trust her. I don't think that after your daughter's threatening you with the loss of your relationship with her that you need to go grovelling back to her. If anything, she should be apologizing to you for trying to blackmail you.

I know this is not your preferred scenario for your daughter, but keep paying the rent. That way she maintains her own place. Now if they move in together, I would expect her to foot that bill. I would not pay rent for two adults to play house. They can do that on their own dime.

You say you think they are moving too fast so you won't continue to pay her rent, right? If she can no longer make rent where do you think so will live? My guess is that you just forced her to move in with her BF before she was ready. That said, you have every right not to pay, it is your money and she is an adult.

You realize that you basically just forced her to live with him, right?

Wouldn't it be better for her to have her own place so that if her relationship has problems, she has somewhere safe to go instead of feeling stuck?

It seems to me that you've made a decision that leads to the opposite of what you wanted to accomplish. I suggest you change your mind and apologize for trying to control a 20 year olds sex life.

I think Jasmine summed it up best. I have a junior in high school, so I'm a couple of years removed from this scenario, but I imagine I would feel like you. I won't just drop her off at the dorm and tell her it's her life (while writing checks!). I totally get seeing some red flags with the age difference and worrying about what his proximity will do to her academics and overall college experience. I would HATE it!! Because she is feeling more like an adult, and also being in love, I do worry that she will be pushed more to him and maybe even think of moving in with him. I wonder what he's like? Is he planning a future with her? Do you think he is ready or willing to support her while she finishes college? I'm just curious where you think his head is at with her and their relationship.

As far as her being furious, I think it's pretty age-appropriate. She is halfway being an independent adult and having you support her, and she hates that she doesn't have all of the power she wants. I can imagine your sadness, I hate it when my daughter is mad at me (and it hasn't even been at this level). As hard as it is, try to put that on the back burner for now. Of course you want to repair things, but don't try to make logical decisions based totally on emotion.

I think it would be okay to tell her you are wanting to take a step back and evaluate this decision. Letting her know that you trust her and want her to have a bigger stake in this, but that you want her to understand your concerns. In other words, you are willing to work with her on making some adult decisions. This could go a long way toward understanding her, helping her grow up, and letting her know that you want what's best for her and are willing to trust her. You aren't caving in to her guilt trip, you are realizing by her reaction that you are still learning how to have an adult kid as well, and are willing to take a second look. I'm sorry this is happening, and I hope she makes wise decisions- it's so hard to have so much freedom and be in love! Good luck and let us know what happens!

prepare for her to fail out then... my husband's parents did that when we moved in together, he felt so obligated to cover it that he concentrated on working more than classes and failed out in his senior year, after never getting a D in any class. We lived together for 4 yrs before we got married, it's been 22 years of marriage.

So, your goal was to get her to have him move in with her so they could share the bills, right?

Next you'll be threatening her to cut off her school money? If she doesn't conform to your rules?

I would tell her to go to the financial aid office and see if she can find any aid or scholarships so that you aren't paying for anything then live her life.

If she is going to do this you have to accept she is going to do it more, the more you say she shouldn't.

Well, you can't prevent the boyfriend from moving anywhere he feels like. That's his decision and you don't have any control over that. How would you have reacted if he'd moved and you found out after the fact? Did she tell you that she'd be spending 3-4 nights a week with him, or is that just your assumption (fear?)? I also wonder what exactly you're opposing here. Is it that you don't like the idea that she will possibly be having more sex? Or that you think his presence will distract her from her studies? Or both?

I was once in your daughter's shoes. Towards the end my freshman year of college, I started dating a guy who was 7 years older than me. It got serious way too quickly. At the end of my sophomore year we talked about living together. (In retrospect, this was NOT a good decision at all, but I was in love and what 19-20 year old listens to logic?) When I told my mom, she told me that if I did, she would stop helping me with my college expenses. And that's exactly what happened. I ended up taking a leave of absence the next semester because I couldn't afford my school, took some classes at community college so that I had enough credits to not have to pay my loans back at that time. He finished grad school and got a full time job. When the relationship started falling apart part way through the semester, my PT job didn't pay enough for me to afford to live on my own - or move back into the dorms - so I stayed with him way longer than I should have. Without even realizing it, I had become dependent on the guy. I finally found a tiny, cheap room to rent but the whole situation was not good, and I was so broke. I couldn't rearrange my financial aid mid-semester. And I had been all, "Fine, if mom won't help me then I will figure it out myself," and was too proud to ask her for help. So I didn't.

I'm not trying to scare you, but please reconsider your decision. Your daughter is not moving in with this guy. Don't punish her for *his* decision to move. I don't think it's out of line for you to have a conversation with her about not getting distracted, keeping her focus on her classes, etc. But as others have said, if you cut off your help, you may be guaranteeing that she moves in with him, will have to work to pay her share of the rent and bills, and then what will happen to her studies?

Good luck and take care.