I have three children, my 10 and 8 year old are boys. They both fight to the pint sometimes I actually think they might hate eachother. The older one I think sometimes he is trying to fill the role as man of the house, but I'm not sure how to deal with this one. They are fine and then one of them are getting their behind kicked. Its gotten pretty bad. I've tryed the time out, grounding taking toys away. There dad works on the slope and they don't see him as often anymore. He is in town for two weeks at a time and still they don't get alot of time. We have not been together for over a year. I think someof it has to do with not seeing him, but how can I break through this and maybe help them understand the feelings they have and stop acting like they hate eachother? Meanwhile they both play hockey which takes a loit of my time and I worried that my daughter will feel too left out, I try to make time for her and I but suggestions there would be appreciated too.
I just wanted to thank everyone for the advice and support. I have been trying a little bit of all of it, only time can truly tell what will come of it, but I'm sure it will be ok. I really just wanted to thank you all!
I have 2 boys. When mine fight and argue. I tell them if they can't get along and respect each other then they can't talk to each other,play with each others toys, ask one another for help. After awhile they appreciate each other. It also gives mom some piece and quiet! Ha ha. I hope my advice was helpful.
Hi,
If you are on good terms with their father, you could ask him to take one boy at a time for some one on one time. Maybe they need some time apart now and then. Find some games they can play together or make up a game where they have to help each other to solve it. Buy them soft swords and let them battle in a safe atmosphere. Reward them when they help each other. Make a night when they each have a friend over so they have someone else to play with. I have two boys and they fought on and off too.
You said you worry that your daughter feels left out. Find activities she likes to do and spend one and one with her. Evaluate if hockey is making your life more stressful, what are the benefits?
I have six children, my older three are 13, 11, and 8. They use to fight constantly. I don't think it had anything to do with hating each other, just standard sibling stuff. I use to fight with my sister. One of the things I tried that seem to help a lot is making them hold hands. For every minute they were fighting, it cost them 5 minutes of holding hands. They don't want or like to hold hands. The other thing I do is to watch tv programs that show what a loving family does to handle problems or shows a family that works together as a team like 7th Heaven, Cosby Show, Little House on the Prairie. Then randomly I would bring up the show and compare their good qualities to the people on the shows they have come to think of as role models. I also use movies that show a family loving each other and working as a team. As for your daughter, it's really easy to create mother-daughter time. My daughter likes to play "bueaty parlor" while we all watch tv. I just sit there while she does crazy and wild things to my hair. Another thing I do is let her help in the kitchen. We'll plan dinners together getting her input on what she thinks would be fun and easy to make for dinner and then letting her help make the dinner. I also involve her in picking out my clothes. If I have an important meeting or if I'm going out with some friends, I ask her what she thinks about this shirt or that pair of shoes. She loves doing all these things.
Aggression is often how boys show their feelings of hurt. First, rest assured that most likely they will be best friends as adults no matter how they treat each other now. You really need to stress to the boys how quickly and unexpectedly one of these fights can turn deadly. All it takes is one push where someone hits their head, or one sitting on the other's chest. You want this fear to always be in the back of their head while fighting. I think you first need to have a no tolerance rule in your house. Stress that home is the one safe place in the world, and it needs to be everyone's soft place to fall. You might consider counseling for a little while so they can get some of their issues out.
As for your daughter, make hockey time your "date" time with her. While the boys are playing, make that your time to talk with her or whatever. Also, appoint one night a week or every other week where she can choose what the two of you do together. You can go out to dinner, go to the movies, the mall, or just lie in bed together and watch a movie.
See if your ex can spend some one on one time with the boys when he is in town to. They need to feel like they are loved and seen as individuals, and not "the boys".
Close relationships always have a love/hate element to them. This is normal and expected. Boys tend to be physical, and they handle most everything that way. I love you, let's wrestle. I hate you, let's fight.
I had an older brother, and I raised a son, and most of my quality communications with both of them was through sports and rough-housing. Girls, of which I am one, want to talk about everything. I love you, let's talk about why. I hate you, I'm calling my friend to tell her why. And so on.
But when your boys are making you crazy, or they have you worried, split them up for a while. They may simply just need a break from each other.
get them boxing gloves and foot covers and set rules for the fighting. Only in one room, only on their feet, but the gloves and the foot coverings will give them some protection.
T., I also have two boys (10 and 8) and your description of yours sound just like mine! I've talked to a lot of other moms with boys in the age range and have found that they suffer from the same issues. I spoke with a behavior specialist and she explained that boys have a lot of testosterone which causes them to act tough, aggressive and sometimes mean. While this behavior is not acceptable and condoned, there isn't much we as parents can do but to enforce respectful behavior and give them ways to let their natural aggresiveness out. It sounds like you are doing a great job with giving them Hockey as an outlet. We have a lot of discussions about kindness and respect as well as what to do when they start feeling angry with each other. They both know how to recognise feelings in their body when they are about to lose control now. This is an exceptional tool. When our boys so get out of control (we give them a warning first), they get grounded from those items and activities they love the most. It only took one time of following through with the grounding and now with a warning to think about what they are feeling inside, one of them will stop and go to their room to avoid a continued fight.
I hope you find this useful. :) Good luck!
C. H
Know that kids respond to stress in a divorce in many different ways. Have you tried Siblings without Rivalry? (the book) and spending time with each individually? I know grown men who still fight with each other. What is that AA prayer? You might need to keep that one on hand. I think Sarah V's advice on communication is superb. I am learning about and teaching conflict resolution skills to my fighting 3 & 6 y/o. I now here them teaching other kids and saying out loud what their intentions are- ie 3 y/o says "he might say yes or no",mentally preparing himself before asking another kid for a toy. Teaching conflict resolution and communication skills will help them in your home and in life!
Know that most moms feel that the last one(kid) gets the short end of the stick. Spend some quality time doing something both of you love. Shoot for 20 minutes 2 times per week. Quality over quantity. Beauty time? Tea time? Fairy playtime? etc.
Divorce is hard, make sure you are relying on friends and family to recharge your batteries. Envision the future, aim for it one day at a time and know there will be brighter days. You will probably look back on this time as a time of stress and growth. Expect some setbacks and fighting. Set the future dates with Dad so they have something to look forward to. Bored children fight more. Set goals with them and help them stay focused on them. It might take some strain off their relationship. Do they blame each other for the divorce or witnessed fighting? Two possible explanations. Good Luck.
Tomorrow will be brighter.
Although my children are younger than yours, and I do think this is an easier lesson to learn in the toddler years, I think it can still apply to your situation. My parents let my brother and I fight all the time - teasing and bickering and it was chalked up to "sibling rivalry" and it was accepted. I do not have a good relationship with my brother now - not a bad relationship, but not much of any relationship at all, and that makes me sad. I have taken a stance with my children that they WILL love their siblings - they don't get to fight for the sake of acceptable rivalry. But it is a lesson that they need to be taught. We are all born as selfish beings, and as parents it is our job to teach our children how to treat other people. Instruct your children in a calm and constructive way to be kind to one another. Given them examples of situations that they have been in, where they have used unkind words or become violent and give them suggestions on how they could have handled it better. Tell them to "Use your words" Most of the time they aren't being mean for the sake of mean, it is usually because things didn't go the way they wanted it to. Imagine how much easier life in general could be for them if they learn to communicate well as kids.... I think its why God gives us siblings! You will probably need to have the conversation about kindness several times, but I hope you get peace soon!
Hi T.: So sorry about the divorce. I know even if it is amiable it is heartbreaking. At least in my case it was awful and I was the one who wanted it. So that takes time and energy. Hopefully your soon to be ex will at least help financially. Try to be sure you at least get that.
As for fighting boys I am probably not the one to ask because I have only one boy and he only fights with me. I think possibly your boys feel the loss of their dad and are acting on it. I think time will change their fighting. You might even seek counseling I took a divorce class with my son that was helpful.
My Mom used to always tell that when I thought I couldn't go on another day then things will change. At first I didn't care for that advice but realized it helped me to have hope that things would turn around. They seem to do just that.
Take care of yourself. Remember to that. A happy Mom is a good Mom.
I don't have any advice for you but I thought you'd like to know you're not alone. My boys are 8 and 5 1/2 and have fought like this since the younger was born. I have 4 kids, the oldest and youngest are girls and I have not problems with either of them, just the two boys. Their dad is home daily at 4pm so I can't say that it's lack of dad being around.
If you get any good advice I'd love to hear it! :) You can e-mail me at ____@____.com
C.
Hi T.,
My boys are 8 and 6 and have been fighting like crazy too after their father and I divorced. I have talked to a councilor about it and her suggestion was spending just one on one time with each child. As a single mom I am finding this really difficult to have a block of time to spend with just one of them, but I have found that when I do their attitudes change. I would encourage you to talk with a councilor either at school or private and see if they can help with the anger issues your sons are having. They feel your stress, the stress of your marriage ending and the stress of not having a dad around. Divorce is hard on everyone in the family. Hang in there!!
