We have had a very close relationship with our neighbor, for the past 6 years, who was also a part-time caregiver for my children when they were very young. She has always overstepped her boundaries and not respected our parenting style. Conversations, letters and avoiding her have not worked. She crossed the line last month when she showed up at school to have lunch with my child (yes, the school has been updated) after I asked her not to. I have told her in the past that she can not have a relationship with my children without an open relationship with me. Without going into the details, the bottom line is my husband and I have decided that we will continue to be friendly neighbors with her (and family) though we will no longer allow the dysfunctional relationship with our children. The problem is they live very close to us (right next door) and the girls love them. While I thought that "out of sight, out of mind" today my 6 year old asked us why we don't let them see "her" anymore. So my question is, how do we explain to a 4 and 6 year old that our relationship is going to be different than before?
THANK YOU, everyone for your advise and support. I feel it. I knew all of this and we do plan on telling the girls the truth VERY SOON. It's been pretty peaceful around here because the neighbor has been avoiding us for the most part. I think I've only run into her 2 times in 6 weeks which has made it much easier on me and my kids. I'm enjoying the space. Of course I didn't give you all the sorted details because I wanted to leave most of the drama out so I could get objective advise. It helped my husband to read the responses too because he doesn't see everything I see and "hesitates" on cutting them off --we'll not anymore. It was important for me to get his full by-in too. They have demonstrated that they do not take no for an answer and have used their generosity to manipulate the situation. Anyway, now that I've had the space to sort everything out without their constant presence (they used to walk out of the house more than 90% of the time when we came home or were outside) I'm sorry I let it go on for this long. My kids are smart and deserve to know the truth! Thanks for confirming.
I would truthfully explain that you feel that the neighbor is not always safe and that you thought it best to become neighbors first, and friends second. My fear is that if the woman has mental issues, she could use the love and trust of the kids to get them to do stuff they shouldn't, like go off somewhere with her. The other moms are right...the truth is best. You just have to explain teh truth in a way they can understand.
I went through this with a babysitter. We took our children to another sitter because we felt the care was no longer reliable and safe. Of course my children loved the old sitter and she loved them. They were 4 and 2 at the time. All of their friends were there also. The old sitter would not let go, she called us and sent us letters. She would find us when we were out in the community. This was very hard on the girls, becuase they were too young to understand the safety and sanity issues, they only knew that they loved her and didn't get to see her anymore. Just last month, someone looking for a babysitter asked me about her, as I was explaining why we left, my oldest daughter (now 8) walked into the room. She said "Angela did that? Wow! No wonder you wouldn't let us go back there!" She is getting old enough now and understands the safety issues. It is hard to break the relationship. Children don't see the dsyfunction, they only feel the love and loss of it. It truly is loss for them. Soon your girls will be old enough to understand the issues that caused you to leave the relationship, when they are, you can explain it to them. Until then, the old standby of "because I'm the Mommy and I make the decisions regarding your care and safety," will have to do.
Please tell your children the truth. The truth never hurts any one except possibly a bad person's reputation. They are old enough to understand that YOU are the boss and the neighbor is not.Kids are much brighter than we give them credit for. A lot of people will come and go in and out of your children's lifes over the years. Living next door should not change that.
Good luck my prayers are with you.
I would sit your girls down and explain to them that they get in trouble when they dont listen to mom and dad, and the neighbor didnt listen either, so instead of putting the neighbor in time out we have a different relationship with her. Good Luck!!
I would tell them exactly what you just said above. They need to know the truth. Tell them she that you two are the parents and she has always done things when you've asked her not too and just like when kids do that, there are consequences.
If I had spent as much time as you have described trying to put her relationship with your children into perspective (conversations, letters and avoiding her) and asking her to respect your wishes about no contact with them and she STILL went brazenly ahead and met your child at the school, my strategy would not be to act as a nice neighbor to the family and maintain contact.
I would have made it clear to her and any of her family you still speak to that if she took it upon herself to have solo contact with your girls going forward, I would be talking to my local police department to find out about my options.
It reads to me like she has some boundary issues that extend beyond your property line, former babysitter or not. Neighbor or not. An adult with healthy control of their emotions and actions would not ignore you like that or insinuate themselves into your family's life when they weren't wanted.
As for your girls, I thought that the other moms had great suggestions on how to explain the break. When I was a girl, my family had a serious experience with a similar situation. I don't know that describing it would be useful as it was pretty extreme, but the lesson for our family was to err on the side of caution.
I don't know that any of that helps, but I hope that the situation resolves itself and she begins to respect the boundaries you and your husband set.
Hi there. Just so you know, your neighbor's behavior is NOT normal. Showing up to have lunch with your kid at school? That's just strange. You are right to keep your kids away from her...who knows what she is doing - and if your radar is up, then you have to keep your kids protected at all costs. Who cares if your neighbors are upset? Your first priority is to your children and keeping them safe. Anything that makes you uncomfortable is reason enough to have them stay away from the neighbors.
Trust your instincts and be confident - your kids will respond to your confidence. You could just tell them the truth: "Mommy wants to spend more time with you and so we won't be seing (HER) anymore."
Take care.
explain to them that sometimes even adults don't get along & when that happens, its better to stay apart until yall reach a peaceful agreement. kids understand that kids argue & need time apart so maybe that'd make sense.
As with any decision you make that your children question, you should just tell them it is for their own good and leave it at that. A neighbor that close is hard to ignore. If she is out in her yard, you could take the kids over and talk with her and let her see them since they have a bond. It will make her feel better, your kids happy and in the long run will be better for you. Hopefully whatever differences you have will smooth over as time goes on.
