Advice on Changing Parenting Time to Better Childrens Education

It is much better for them to have their mom around than to be in a "better" school district. The love and time you give them everyday is more valuable than anything else.

IMO Moms are far too important not to have around on a daily basis, so I absolutely think you should not let their Dad have full custody no matter how close they are to him. I think this will have detrimental effects!

Why does it have to be all or nothing, can't there be a middle ground? What about you moving to that school district? This way they have you, the best school and thier Dad.

Just a thought!

GL:)

I live in one city, my ex husband in another and my son goes to school in YET ANOTHER. We have chosen his school district (Van Buren) because it has a gifted program that our cities do not. I drop him off in the morning and his dad picks him up. I then pick him up from his dad's house when I am out of work. It works out well for my son. He sees mom and dad every day and is able to continue going to the best possible school.

I justify the extra drive this way - if I could afford a private school in the next town for him to get the best education, I would still have to drive him.

We have been 50/50 for 5+ years and it has worked well thus far.

I would drive them to his district no matter how far away it was. You don't want to lose this precious time with your children! You are their mother and they are your children! I was diagnosed with breast cancer 1 and 1/2 years ago and realize how short life is. I have 2 boys ages 9 and 6. Nothing could keep me from them! I think children need their mother. If you can't make the drive have them go to the school by you and fill in the gaps in the education at home. Don't let your husband's money keep you from your children. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

My ex has custody of my 12 year old for no reason other than he had the money in the divorce. I would love joint custody, but he won't go for it. I will tell you that people assume you did something very wrong in order to not have your kids. I settled my divorce instead of dragging my child through an ugly and expensive (couldn't afford) custody battle that would have made his life miserable, but people assume I abused him or something. Get use to the strange looks and don't let them bother you if you do this. You know that you are sacrificing for your child. Get everything your ex has promised you in writing. You will have no way to enforce this if he changes his mind and not having your children leaves a hole in you that can't be filled. Protect yourself and your kids by getting it in writing. Rewrite your custody papers and talk to a lawyer first. Whatever you decide I wish you the best and good luck. Unfortunately, love can be very painful sometimes.

"The Dad wants...".

What do you want? Just take a moment. Obviously, you want what is best for your children. Is the education at the school they are in now really that bad? Is it something you can make up for at home? Are they unsafe? If they go to live with their dad, how will you spend your time? Will you be getting a job? How will this change your daily life? Are you ready to not have them around? Do you trust your exhusband and his wife to have a nurturing home where their emotional needs are met? Will they keep you involved? Perhaps a 'trial' period could be in place where you can test it out then take the kids back if it just doesn't seem to be good (either for them or for you). Can you move to another district that better fits what you need - even if it isn't in the district your ex is in (just find one better than where you are)?

Personally, I think your kids would do great staying where they are and in the school they are. With your encouragement, they can excell and learn just as much or more. Divorce is a hard thing, and I'd have to think doing a switch now would be equally difficult on them. Be sure to think through to what you feel is best for them and best for you. It would be too difficult for me to ever part from my son.

Another thing, if you decide this is what you want to do...that it's better for the kids and best for you, see if there's a way out if you change your mind. Also, don't worry about what other people say. A good answer to the people that question you is: "This was one of the most heartbreaking and difficult decisions I had to make. I hate being away from them, but their needs need to come before my own."

If you don't feel comfortable to make that decision now, then wait. Keep it on the back burner and continue on working to change your own situation.

Best wishes.

what ever you two decide, get it in writing and make sure it's legal, that your lawyers both see the agreement. The courts will appreciate that you're putting the kids' education and best first.

I have been in your shoes, and let me tell you who cares about what others think about you. You are not giving your children up, you are giving them a better chance at getting a great education which in return will give them a whole world of opportunities later on and they will thank you for that. I had to make this same decision and I do not regret it one bit. The only thing was my son's school was not a bad school as far as it being a bad neighborhood or anything. I just got so sick and tired of fighting with the teachers and the school. They kept moving my son into the next grade and he couldn't read and I just were not taking the time out for him and at the same time my son was wanting the see his dad more. Me and his father though only lived a half hour away and the school district his dad was in was the one I grew up in so I knew they would work with him, cause i even tried a tutor but without the schools help I was not getting anywhere. I got to have my son every other weekend and on the weekends I did not have him he would stay at my house a few night out of the week and I would take him to and from school cause the school was only 15 minutes away, so it worked out great. In the first year he moved up two grade levels in his reading. My son needs the extra help in school cause he is slower cause of his learning disability. He went to his dads when he was 7 and is now going on 14 this year. He has come along way. His dad ended up buying a house in Burton and I ended up buying a house in Holly/Grandblanc area and the school district my son is in now works with him as good as the last one, of course he moved when he was entering the middle school and still they have done such a great job with him and I love it. We now live 15 minutes from each other. His dad has a son a year younger than my youngest with his wife, and me and my hubby go over there sometimes during the week and all the boys play together and we hang out and everyone gets along great it is wonderful and from the sounds of it your ex and you get along good as well. You guys are working as a team for best interests of your children and your kids will not ever resent you for that. We don't have set schedule for my son sometimes he will be here for four weekends in a row and sometimes his dad has something planned, and during the summer he is here mostly and has about 3 weeks with his dad. It all works out. I have him on all the time he gets off during the school year as well so we both get equal quality time with him. Don't feel like dad and step mom are the parents. What makes it easy on my son is that fact that he knows everyone gets along and loves him. I don't feel like his dad and step mom are being the parents. I am happy he has a great step mom in his life. He sees that me and her get along great and loves it. Of course he doesn't call her mom and calls her by her name, but he likes her. This year we found out that my son has seizures cause he had one at school, and I tell you when his step mom called me she tried so hard not sound like she was losing it, but I could tell she was. At that time they were down to one car and her neighbor took her up to the school and dropped her off and she road in the ambulance with him. I was at the hospital in 10 minutes and he saw how we all cared and were there for him. His dad left work so fast that he beat the ambulance there. If you get along with the step mom and ex the kids will be alright. Just think of it as one big happy family. Well hopes I have shined some light your way.

M.

i always say go with your gut feeling... who cares what other people think its your life not theirs anyways. its always easy to point out what other people should be doing but,actually living it is another. personally for me i would keep my children with me but thats me not you. who knows where you will be next year circumstances change every day. who knows you might be able to move to a better school district. nothings impossible! my life has had some ups and downs and were still here.say a little prayer tonight. Good luck,M.

I am a stay at home mom of 4 wonderful children.

Is there any way that you can move to be closer to where the dad lives, even if in a condo or apt? Then they could go to the better school, but you could be closer. Otherwise, you may consider driving them in the morning. I'm not sure how long the drive is, but I though you said you stay home. If you bit the bullet and drove on the days you have them, then you wouldn't have to see them less. It's a sacrifice, but aren't your children worth it? It seems like the dad is willing to work with you, which is nice, but me personally, I couldn't go that long without seeing my kids. Think about it.

Hi C. - you're obviously a very caring mom - staying home to be with your kids is a big part of that. I hope that in making this decision you will also consider the VALUE your kids have in coming home to Mom after school. I realize your ex may have more money than you, but affording "things" doesn't have any VALUE for your children. Time spent, help with homework, nutritious snacks, talk time about school issues, these things are really valuable and I am assuming that is what you're providing. If they move to Dad's, will they come home to a parent after school who will make this time with them, or will dad be at work? Will they come home to no one or go to a daycare provider? This is not a substitute for you. Don't discount yourself in this equasion. Also, Dad will have the right to reduce your support if the kids move in with him during the year. Last, what do the kids think? You should also factor this in. In my experience, kids who get attention at home and have a parent who is involved with school (you won't be able to volunteer at the new school either) do better no matter the school.

Please value your contribution to these kids and don't teach them to go where the money is only. You may be locking yourself into something you won't like later - and maybe your kids won't get the kind of care, attention, nutrition, etc that you expect. Good luck.

C.. What a tough position you are in. I can understand why you feel the way you do. It would be very hard for me to give up the daily contact with my daughter.

That being said, you have to do what is best for your children. If you and your ex believe, as their parents, that having them go to the other schools is best for them, then that is what you need to do.

They are old enough you need to sit down (all of you) together and discuss it openly and honestly. Get their input. See what they think. How do they feel. If you arbitrarily make this decision without their input ... they could end up really disliking the new arrangment.

As mothers we do what we feel in our hearts is best for our children. Follow your heart dear....whichever direction it leads you. There is something to be said for having mom around... but a good education is also priceless.

Carrie,
My heart goes out to you! I think you need to follow yours.

I can see I'm going to be the black sheep of the group here but I don't feel like you'd be giving up your kids. You actually get to spend more time with them if you have them every weekend. If you think about it, how much QUALITY time do you actually send with them during the week? An hour or two a day? I know my week days are crazy with activities and appts. and get very little time each day to actually enjoy being with my kids during the week. It sounds like he's willing to let you have them all the days that would be best for quality time. Isn't quality time to enjoy them the best?
As far as being involved, goto the school, meet all the teachers. Give them your e-mail address and address at home. Make sure they know you are both to be informed of any going ons at the school. They will work with you, it's just a matter of putting both addresses in thier system. My district does just about everything on line. I can see all of my middle schoolers grade up to the minute on line. I can't say that I get any new letters on paper, they are all e-mailed to me and my husband. I have one son from my first marriage and his dad also gets it all via e-mail. So anyway, I think you need to do what you feel is best for you kids. They will love you for it later when more doors are open to them.
Good luck!
Rachelle

I've never been divorced, but my parents were so I will speak more from a child's perspective. My parents had joint custody and it stunk for me. If I was with my dad I missed my mom and visa versa. I know that you want to do what's best for your children. My mom did that for me at one time, but her situation was a little different (she was being battered by her husband). When I lived with her, we had more money and a better school district, but she did what she thought was best. The best thing to do would be for you and your ex to sit down with the kids and talk WITH them about it, not TO them. Let them have some say in the decission making process so that they can understand that you're not "shipping them off", but that you're giving them an opportunity at a better education/life and that you will still see them all the time. Kids need consistency in their lives, so whatever you decide, make sure that it stays consistent. I went to 4 different schools b/c I bounced back and forth betw my parents for various reasons. Perhaps on the weekends when you have them, you could keep them Sunday night and take them to school on Monday. It would make the weekend with you seem a little longer and they will know that you care b/c you're taking time out of your morning to drive them the extra distance. As a child who was once in their shoes, I know that it would have meant a lot to me for either of my parents to do that. I wish you luck and keep us posted.

I would say you need to do what is best for your children. Talk to them first and see what their thoughts are also. Sounds like your ex husband is a good guy and wants you involved. If the school they are in is that bad, than I would definantely consider letting them move. You know what is best for your children and I believe you know what they can handle. I honestly believe whatever decision you make, don't feel bad...you're doing what's best for your chidren.

Is there an option at all to move any closer to the school district that your ex lives in? Is your ex's house any closer to you than the school? Could you have them ride the bus to his house and then pick them up there?

I hope you find a good solution.

Hi C., I am M.. I think you should always put your kids first which I think you are doing. Explain to them why you would like them to live with there dad and give them the choice. If he's not dangerous, or anyhing else why not. Is he a bad Dad? My kids are grown up and if I were in your shoes I would do this very same thing, but it's total you to you you know your children and how they are going to react. Protect yourself to so you are going to get them when he says
M.

I am in a somewhat similar position:
1. Get those kids into the better school. It will benefit them the rest of their lives!
2. Take them as often as you can. (And be thankful your ex is SO willing to let you)
3. You are NOT giving the kids to their dad; you are doing what is BEST for them! (It makes you a VERY good mommy)
4. When rude people ask simply say, "He is in a better financial position to take care of them" Then whip out the proud mommy album of pics from dance, swimming, whatever they are involved in. (Or leave out the financial line and just whip out the album)
5. You are an 'outsider' ONLY if you chooses to be. (You are very lucky, seems your ex WANTS you involved. Be there and be with them as much as possible...it will help ALL of you)

There are many women (And men) who would LOVE to be in your position. Take what you are given and truly make the best of it. Give every minute you can to those kids. And be thankful they are in then best place YOU can give them to learn!!!

C.,
My sons lived with their dad after we got divorced, many people wondered why; I had a job with crazy hours sometimes days and sometimes nights and once in a while both. After my life settled down the children wanted to come and live with me, and my ex agreed with the children. Don't worry about what other people think worry about how your children will turn out with a better education.
Best wishes,
D.

Wow..my thoughts are with you. What a difficult decision. Is your ex a good father? If he is and this will benefit them long term....

You can have quality time with them on the weekends and holidays. I think you will find it really bonding when your time with them isn't mainly during the daily grind.

Whatever you decide, best of luck to you.

Don't do it. I don't know what kind of man he is but I have a jerk of a ex and we share joint custody. I used to be in school on monday and tuesday evenings so I would let her go to his house. When I stopped school he took to back to court and it is not court ordered that she goes monday and tuesdays to his house. If you let them go, he can easly take you to court and say that you gave them to him and they will order you to give up your custody! My words to you are don't do it.

Do what your heart tells you is best for your kids. Don't worry about what others feel like, they don't know your situation. I would ask your kids what they think. If they are comfortable with it, and you're okay with hhis parenting and the amount of involvement you have, do it.

I switched school for one of my three children. It was not easy at first, but his education was so much better. It was a hassle, but worth it. If you are still able volunteer at the school. Make all their school and may be you take them to their activities. It will be a different relationship, but you can make it work.

I would also consider what type of friends your kids will have at each school. Most of the challenge you will be seeing in the next 3-4 years is which "group" they are in. That may be a critical part of the decision. Their peers will start to have a greater in fluence in the tween and then teen years. God Bless.

As long as you do what you know/believe is best for your kids, you will make the right decision.. its a hard one, good luck.

I was very lucky in the fact that my parents didn't divorce until I was 23, however, I did decide to stay with my dad (I had just finished college). I lived there for 2 years before moving out. Now, as a parent, I went against society "rules" and I'm the full time working parent - my husband stays home with our two beautiful daughters. He gets our oldest on and off the bus, and will drive her to a charter school in the fall. I still do a lot of the parent activities, usually during the day and without him, but it's a situation that works for us. There are days when I feel like I'm a bad mom - because I can't be there for everything (today's one of those days), but I do make sure I cherish every moment I have with them - nights and weekends. When someone wants to take them somewhere on the weekends, I need to make a hard decision, becuase that's MY time. Now here's the question for you - I live in Grand Rapids, and we have a wonderful (at least in my opinion) resource called Charter Schools. Did you think about that for your kids? That gets them out of your public school district, and is a lot better (at least here) than the public school district. It would also allow them to stay with you. More importantly though - and this is a hard question to ask. What is better for the kids in the long run? What do the children want? That should be last though, what's better for them should be first - and then tell them that. Just so you know - we went with a group of schools called National Heritage Academies, they're all over in four states.

Your children need YOU - their mother. I understand you have "joint" custody - However, who has physical custody? For young children sharing physical custody is very difficult because of school, routines, and consistency issues. Perhaps you need to take a look at your legal contract. Sounds like Dad is very active in their lives and that is good, however, it doesn't mean that they are better off with him. There is generally NOT that big of a difference in public schools that should matter. Do NOT think that just because your husband may live in a more afluent neighborhood that those schools are so much better than others - it's just not true. Are you in a position to move? Are you working? Don't you get child support to help you financially? I can't help but feel that the true question here is "Who is the better parent for your children?" If that is the true issue, then you need to be honest and consider what is best for the children. If you are not in a healthy position, then I would consider a TEMPORARY arrangement to get yourself together. However, if you are fit, competent, and love your children. FIGHT to keep them and fight to change whatever personal/custody/child support matters that don't fit what is best for them. Get parenting help to deal with your children's behavior, do whatever it is you need to do to become the better parent to care for your children. I can't help think that it won't be just the children who will resent such a change in their lives. My prayers go out to you - may God bless you and your family.

Carrie,

I know this is tuff, I am the step mom that is raising some one elses kids and she has no interest in participating, so good for you for wanting to do more for your kids.

I notice that you are a stay at home mom, what is the distance that you cant transport the kids and do week on week off with your ex so that you get a week off from the drive but you are still very involved with them and still have them 1/2 the time. Do volunteer work with the school, and stay on line with the school. Most schools now have a program that allows you to track your kids progress on line.
What are the options of a move into the better school district?
Hope that you find a soloution
L.

Hi C., you will have a lot more fun time with them. My son spends summers and spring break and extra week0-ends with his Dad so he gets all of the "fun time". If my son said that he wanted to move in with his dad, then he is old enough that i would let him. I would gladly take the week-ends. I would miss hearing him talk about the girl that he rode the bus with and getting that spontaneous discussion about dating and school and everything else. Your son will be going through a lot during 7th and 8th grade and you won't be the one there after school. I think your daughter should be with you. i think your son is old enough to have an opinion. I think that you should worry more about that at this point and move to a different school district. Don't disrupt their lives unless they are in physical danger.

All of that being said, only you know your ex and his wife and whether they will take good care of your kids. If your kids hate being away from you, they won't do good in school anyway. With everything else being equal, maybe the other school and moving out of your house would be best for them. Don't believe that you will get a say in everything, it's just not realistic, no matter what the intentions are.

I think you are wise to voice your real concerns, and brave to do so in a public forum. I wonder if it would make sense for you to move closer to the better school district, either way... The most respectable divorced couples I've ever met did (sometimes surprising) things that made it easy for the kids to never feel like pawns between two power-seekers.

However, that said, I have to discuss my opinion of the phrase (often-used, rarely considered) 'giving them to their dad.'

Your children are already his. As in: they are no more your children than they are his. Our society often blindly ignores this reality, but it is real. You are certainly in no position to 'give' what first of all is already someone else's, but you are also in no position to withhold it. It is a bit silly to consider it from that angle, then, isn't it?

I would ask the questions from a slightly different perspective, and perhaps this will help you clarify the issue: do you think your child's education is more important or less important than what others --even respected others-- think of you. More important to your children, or more important to you?

You've definitely gotten some different advice. I would not look down on you for giving your children a better education. It would undoubtedly be the hardest decision to make but I think it's the most unselfish move you could make. Especially if you get them for the summers too! Good luck with whatever you decide.