OK, my husband and I disagree on this. He thinks I am being selfish, and honestly I do see his point, but he doesn't see mine. I am looking for some HONEST input from unbiased people. So please tell me if you agree with me or him. I will not be offended. Maybe I do need an attitude adjustment :)
I am pregnant, therefore not drinking alcohol at all. Usually, I am a big wine drinker. Just be be clear, I have no problems with alcohol. I just grew up in a country where wine is common at meals and one glass a day is no big deal. The wine "culture" is very much a part of the way I grew up and tasting and learning about wines is a huge hobby for me. I miss my wine very much, but of course feel it important not to drink while pregnant. I am also very weak-willed, so my husband kindly agreed not to drink around me so I am not tempted to take a sip here and there. Our problem will come at Christmas when his family is visiting. Like most people, they enjoy drinking especially during the holidays and any time they visit it usually entails wine. I asked my DH if he would mind suggesting that they refrain this year. We will be staying in our home for 6 days, so I feel that I am well within my rights to ask this. I also said that one bottle during Christmas dinner would be ok as is any other beer or mixed drinks they want. I am not wanting to ask this because I don't want them enjoying something that I can't; but rather because I really feel that I would be tempted to have a glass or two. I will be in my 3rd trimester and I know many people think that it is ok to go ahead and have a glass, but I would prefer not to. So am I being rude or selfish to ask this of my in-laws, or would it be ok to politely ask this of them? Again, honest opinions are welcome. Thank you.
*** Please see What happened section for update!!!!!!!!!!!!***
Well thank you all for your opinions. (Except the person who questioned my parenting - that was uncalled for! I asked for opinions on my asking the question of my in-laws not anything else.) You have all helped me to think this through a lot more. Honestly I shouldn't really have asked this question here because there is a lot more to it that I could write. The more I think about it, the more I think my issue is resenting the fact that they invited themselves here to my home and I don't have the choice of not being around them. My husband can't get away for holiday's and it is starting to take a toll on me being the host for EVERY holiday EVERY year. I am just a much more low-key person. Maybe I was making excuses rather than addressing the issue at hand. One point though, some people made comparisions of diabetics or others avoiding something. I can honestly say that when my sister had GD during her pregnancy, my family did go out of our way to have a meal and dessert that she could eat and we did not have anything she couldn't. When I have spent Thanksgiving with friends of my parents who were recovering alcoholics we never dreamed of taking alcohol for us to drink. And when I go out for meals with friends who are dieting, I always eat low-cal meals and never dream of getting dessert in front of them. I guess this is how I looked at it. But again, thanks for your input. It did help me to see that I was avoiding the real issue.
Hi, J.! :)
Please call me at ###-###-####. (I'm afraid my response is going to be too long to type out, but it's good news for you!)
~J.~ (jeannette)
You asked for honesty, so here it goes. I think it would be selfish of you to ask people to sacrifice just because you have to. It was not their decision to be pregnant around the holidays. I've been through the being around family during the holidays when I couldn't drink thing twice now and I would have never thought about asking anyone to refrain on my behalf. Actually, I think it would be rude.
M.
Please don't think I am overly rude, but if you are not mature enough to say "no thank you" to a glass of wine, perhaps you should not be parenting. You're a grown up now, and two tiny people depend on you to make good choices. It's not like they're smoking and blowing smoke in your face and threatening your health and the health of your baby. *THEY* are having a glass of wine. If this is that big of a problem for you, perhaps you need to address your own drinking habits/desires.
The gracious thing to do would be to keep silent or if you are the hostess, do not serve wine. If you are not the hostess, opt out and let them have their fun. I recognise your right to avoid drink, but it seems controlling to throw a wet blanket on those who are expecting to kick back and putting their time, money and energy into the festivities. You might want to consider limiting your time with friends and family to early evening and go home before you give into temptation if it gets to be too much. This too shall pass!
C. S.
Ok, I am going to be honest. If you can't drink, don't. But it is not fair for you to make everyone around you not drink. Unless they are driving afterwards and putting you in danger, they are not harming you. I do agree that you need to be pampered during pregnancy, but that is overdoing it. Smoking around you, I would understand, but drinking????? Trust me, I had morning sickness for nine months with both of my pregnancies. I am all for being bossy!!!!! I couldn't stand the smell of barbecue during my first pregnancy. I would get sooo sick!!!! But, I don't think others drinking will make you sick, right? Hope you don't take this wrong.
I disagree with another poster that said since you are pregnant, that you can boss everyone around and dictate what they drink and don't drink. That's like saying once you're pregnant, you have the right to eat everything in front of you... Um no... You still have to act responsibly and maturely.
That said, I would buy yourself some of that fake-wine stuff and drink your non-alcoholic stuff with them and enjoy your one alcohol-less holiday. I was due in January and never once thought about telling people what they could and couldn't drink in my own home over the holidays.
I just went to a baby shower on Sunday and my group of girl friends are all good about serving wine or mimosas at each other's baby shower. Just because one person is pg doesn't mean the rest of the group should miss out on a yummy mimosa, glass of wine, spiked egg nog, etc, etc, etc.
And actually, watching everyone get tipsy while I was stone cold sober was actually entertaining! (on a temporary basis of course)
I see this going 2 ways.
1)I think your family would want to do whatever they can to help you stay away from the alcohol to protect the baby. If it means not drinking around you so you are not tempted.
2)You are the one pregant not them. It is your responsibilty to protect your baby and eat and drink healthy things. I just delivered so I know the temptations you face. I'm also choosing to breastfeed. So for the past 9 months I've had no alcohol plus this next year I will not drink. If I asked my husband and his family not to drink for 21 months they would be really upset with me. I just have to look at drinking as an unhealthy thing for my child and therfore the temptation is gone. Because I've already gone 9 months, I do not wish to partake in any drinking. Besides I think I would get really sick from it. This is my 2nd child and I did all this once before and I know I can do it again. Yea I can pump and discard my milk if I choose to drink but alot of it for me is knowing that I am responcible for my children. Since I've not had any alcohol for 9 months , I may get more buzzed than I need too. I want to do the best I can to stay healthy for my son. If I have to cut out drinks oh well--he's worth it.
Hope this helps.
J.-
I am afraid I agree with the others. Kudos to you for being open and seeking unbiased opinions-not always easy to hear.
Good luck w/your pregnancy-
N.
It's not selfish at all. You don't need an attitude check. Pregnancy is one of the few excuses we can use to get away with being bossy...so take advantage. I sure do! :)
Besides, a bottle of wine or mixed drinks at dinner is plenty of alcohol. New Years, I can understand the desire to drink more...but christmas??? If anyone has a problem with your request, tell them to go celebrate Christmas at the neighborhood bar! It's not like your banning alcohol all together,you're just asking that they "tone it down" in respect of your pregnancy.
My husband owns a bar and I am 7 mos preganant. Like you, I enjoy my wine. The people he associates with and works with, are all drinkers so during my pregnancy I request they tone it down when in my company. I don't feel selfish at all. A party pooper maybe, but its only while I'm pregnant. I would do the same if I was in the company of a pregant woman. I'd feel disrespectful drinking up a storm in front of her.
Happy Holidays!!!
We are regular drinkers of wine and such, we don't have any drunkards in the family or in my circle of friends, everyone can pretty much handle theirs. If I have gatherings at my house I always make sure I have wine. Even when I was pregnant and made the choice to not drink, I still allowed it at my home. You have probably noticed that giving your friends or family a drink seems to calm and relax them, even make them feel happier for the moment, and that's the kind of atmosphere that I like to have around me when I have people over.
Hi J.,
I'm not a drinker myself but my opinion is that it would be a little on the demanding side to ask others to abstain from drinking because you can't do it. I guess I think about it like this: What if you were a diabetic and couldn't eat all those yummies that usually accompany the holdiday celebrations and dinners, would you ask others not to eat sugary foods in front of you because you couldn't do it? Of course not, so I don't think it's really fair for you to control the others having a drink when you can't. I sort of agree with the other person that said if you're having that hard of a time saying no to alcohol when you are pregnant, or if the desire is that strong for it, that might be something to examine a little closer. In any case, buy some sparkling grape juice and toast the holidays with everyone else! :-)
Dear J.:
You seem to be very considerate of their feelings on Christmas Day and if your in-laws are told of the circumstances, perhaps they will not mind accommodating you. Six days can be a long visit so maybe they would be more comfortable in a close by hotel/motel.
Good luck and best wishes.
T.
Honestly, I agree with your husband here :(
It's not right to boss around other adults because YOU can't do certain things. When we could not handle dairy (I was nursing and my daughter could not handle it actually) I would never say 'no you can't have that ice cream' or 'please do not serve that yummy seafood lasagna; it will just upset me'. I'd have sounded like a baby.
I know it will be tough but focus on what you can enjoy--you will have that little baby and his kicks all to yourself for right then!
If I were you, I would look into special just for you treats--maybe some exotic hot chocolate or a seasonal egg nog (sans alcohol) milk shake.
L.
