Advice Needed for a Mom of a Fatherless 10 Year Old Daughter

Is there a custodial decree from a court that establishes custody or visitation?

She has every right to have hurt feelings over the sporadic attention she receives from her father. She has these expectations/hopes and he's falling short. Is it his fault for not following through ("as usual") or her fault for getting her hopes up? Not trying to sound harsh, but there are some people who we love who may not be very deserving it. People we love will always do things we don't want them to do, and there's nothing we can do about it.

We can't control other people or make them behave how we want. We can only control how we act or react to what happens to us.

Let her know that it's okay to "love people where they're at". He may not be at a place where he can be the kind of father she wants him to be, and he may never get there. That is beyond her control. She can forgive him for not being the father she wants him to be and love him for the person he is (he must have some good qualities), and still be mad at him (for falling short of what she thinks he should be doing). I know that sounds like an oxymoron, but maybe nobody ever put it that way to her.

Try having her accept him for who he is, faults and all. Know that sometimes things aren't going to play out the way she expects or hopes, and chalk it up to "that's the way it goes."

We have family in Louisville that we don't get to see as often as we'd like. We do make plans to go there sometimes to see them that do fall through sometimes. We don't tell our kids (6 and 3) about the plans until the day before or the morning of because somebody may get sick or something may come up that will prevent us from making the trip, and we don't want them getting their hopes up. She's probably too old to do that, but you get the idea. Realize that when plans are made, sometimes things may come up that will prevent that from happening, and that's just the way it is.

I don't know if this helped at all, but just a few thoughts I had.

It sucks that her father has so little regard for her feelings, but that is the way things are.
Now, she can either feel sorry for herself about this or go forward with her life.
You and she have no control over what he does but you do have control over your own behavior and if you want to interact with him or not.
I would suggest that you and/or she keep a Gratitude journal, writing down at least 5 things each day that you and she are thankful for.
If you can do this together it will help her to see the good things in her life and not focus on the fact that he is neglectful of her.
You need to let her know that her bad grades are not acceptable, and make sure that she has consequences.
Above all, do NOT feel sorry or guilty for her and fail to hold her accountable for her behavior.
Both of you should go to counseling whether she likes it or not.
My mother had me at 38, I never knew my father or even of him, and I had to choose to have a good life, which I did.
My mother never did tell me anything about my father and she died at the age of 102.
I just accepted it and maybe I will find out in heaven, if I still care....
I wish you and your daughter a good life.

First and foremnost she needs to be reminded CONSTANTLY that what her father is doing and has done is NOT her fault. She needs to understand that he chooses NOT to be responsible and/or mature and it's HIS doing.

In addition, she has a choice. In this situation she can either make the BEST of it (I'll show him what he's missing and be very successful) or fall into the trap of being in trouble, getting bad grades, etc. because she thinks that's what's expected of her. She thinks she's a "loser" because dad wants nothing to do with her.

Can she get in a big sister program? Does she go to church? She needs to be around people who are going to spend time with her, not abandon her and remind her of her worth and value.

It's OKAY to be angry at dad but she also needs to decide what kind of impact SHE wants to make.........postitive or negative?

Hi There, Isn't it amazing how fathers can fail to see what an important part they play in their daughters life and overall self esteem? I am looking at this from your daughter perspective as my father was not in my life from the time I was 3 until 20 years later, when I had just started a family of my own. As children we wonder... Is something wrong with me? Is that why a parent doesn't want us? Did I do something so wrong that they do not love me anymore? Is it because of you (the mom)? Did you do something bad that made my father run away? Children have a way of making everything their own fault. I am sure this effects her overall self esteem, which would explain the school and social problems. Professional counseling is a definite and let her meet a few so she has some control over who she talks to. I don't think I have ant daddy issues, but who knows. I do know that my mother and everyone in my family never spoke a bad word about him. When I would get angry and ask questions my mother would say "I don't know why he is not here, I don't know where he is, but I do know that he loves you and would be here if he could" How big of her to take that approach and I credit her with my lack of resentment towards him. We now have a cordial relationship, not exactly like in the movies, but we speak every so often and my son knows who he is and that makes me happy. All you can do is support your daughter, tell her she is the most wonderful child and you are so lucky to have gotten the best kid in the world, and reassure her that her father not being in her life has nothing to do with her. Serve as a good role model and you will find that even with all these bumps in the road she will turn out to be an independent, self loving, and successful young lady. Please find a support system in addition to yourself for her, because for some kids can open up about things a little easier to other adults, not to mention she may not want to hurt your feeling with some of her thoughts. Best of Luck. :)