Advice for Me and Overcoming Negative Behavior

I come from a loud, dramatic Sicilian family. My children were raised with the same. My older two are those amazing kids that everyone wishes their kids were. They have amazing self esteem.

Now if you start whispering around them lord they get paranoid!

My point is the level of the noise is irrelevant, it is the intent of the discussion. I can loudly tell them I am proud of them or quietly tell them they are worthless. Which do you think will damage their self esteem?

Very brave question, and I wish you every success!

I got (still get!) tremendous help from two books. The first is an oldie but goodie: I'm OK, You're Ok. It really helped me evaluate where my behaviors were coming from, and what my alternatives were. Just being awakened to those possibilities was powerful, for me, and launched me into a lifetime of happy change. Once I could really see where I was stuck reacting instead of responding to circumstances, change became possible. In fact, impossible to resist! Just don't expect it to all happen overnight – life is a process, not a destination.

Another book that will give you tools that are more effective, more respectful, and more fun than yelling is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. I didn't discover this one till my grandson arrived, but I'm so glad I did. He's 6 now, and I've used these techniques with him since he could talk. We have the most wonderful days together, and yes, he's a kid, and he sometimes does "kid" behavior. But the neatest thing is that he's learning to think about what he says, consider alternative behaviors, and make pretty consistently good choices because he wants to – he likes the results. Less stress for him, less stress for me.

Also, don't hesitate to apologize when you goof up (and you will, but that doesn't mean you've failed). Say clearly why you're sorry and what you wish you had said instead. Your daughter will learn, through your example, how to do exactly what you are trying to learn – choosing your responses.

My best to you.

Dr. Sears has some excellent advice for you on how to communicate with children and remain calm. While some is geared towards toddlers, most of it can be done with older children as well. Focus on the the sections called "7 ways parents can handle their anger", "ways to say no positively", "using humor for discipline" and "25 ways to talk so children will listen."

http://askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior

You are right though, this does need to change and you can do it! Loud, boisterous and happy is one thing. But when there is constant arguing, loud yelling for discipline and such, that is another.

I was a yeller.

At my child.

He told me one day that I scared him when I yelled.
That was the most effective deterrent that I have ever had.
I began counting to 10, or 20, or 100, until I was sure I could engage in a calm voice.
I began to think before I reacted.
I began to think before I spoke.

It was, for me, sometimes a struggle to not just yell, as it had become the way I responded when my son misbehaved, or was late getting out the door, or rolled his eyes at me, or just almost anything.

He was old enough that I could ask him to tell me when I was yelling and together we worked to change the way we reacted to each other.

It turned out that I was, fortunately, old enough to be able to teach myself to change my ways :) I made a point to wait before I spoke, to do a mental inventory of how I felt before I spoke, to remove myself from the room if I felt myself losing control, to apologize to me son.

And while I raise my voice on occasion - my son will agree that I no longer yell. And I no longer scare him.

Man do I understand!! I was crying last night becasue I am afraid my kids will grow up with my "issues". Of course my home was very negative and not at all loving, my mother would tell me I was a mistake, and was very physical with discipline. With my girls I try to stop myself and think, "is it worth it" "is what their doing really that bad". I know I yell a lot, but the more I catch it the more I can point out to them that it's not good to yell, and I am on the road to setting up better communication with them. Don't stress about it, we all have something we wish we did different with our kids!! As long as you don't cross that line, they will be fine!!

Don't start by saying you can't. First you have to learn how. If you don't learn how, you can't. If you don't try, you can't either. But aside from that, I can't (that word again!) think of any reason you can't improve.

Don't expect to become an overnight success, though. When you learn something for many years, you can't unlearn it - AND substitute something better in its stead - in a day, a week, or even a year. But you can make a start in less than a day.

You've made a HUGE step already - you have recognized out loud, so to speak, that there is a problem. What do you think the next good step might be? A visit with a counselor? A book or two to read? A course in tackling negative behavior? (If that last one is something to consider, I recommend Zig Ziglar's "Born to Win" course, on CD/DVD. It's not cheap, but it's worth every penny.)

Here are some things you can do to take some baby steps in the right direction. Think about all your friends; is there one whom you admire for her positive attitude and her communication skills with her children? Talk to her, and ask her to teach you how *she* does things. Ask if you might pick her brains. You can learn a lot from a good friend.

If you have some sort of device at home that can record your voice, turn it on when you're at home. Carry it around with you. This will make you aware of how you sound to others. Find out what you sound like in general, *and* how you sound when you raise your voice. Once you hear yourself, maybe you can set a goal that, when you feel like getting louder, you get softer instead. You're going to feel weird - and the people around you are going to wonder if you're weird, too - but don't let that stop you. When your emotions go up, your volume goes down. Trust me. It will help.

I am giving you a standing ovation right now (even though you can't see it) for setting this goal for yourself. Go for it, and don't quit!

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I am also from a loud family and have some of the same issues. Know that the change won't happen over night and it will likely be something you struggle with when a situation gets tense and emotions run high. However, you CAN break the cycle. You just have to work at it. What works for me is to have my husband hold me accountable. He doesn't correct me in front of our son, but in private will mention how I handled the situation.
The other thing I do is try not to react immediately (unless of course the child is in danger) and instead take a step back and try to think through the most logical punishment. For example, if the child is throwing a tantrum because she doesn't want to eat her dinner. Calmly say, that's fine and then take her plate and dump her food down the garbage disposal. Then say "see you at breakfast" Consequences can be a great teacher...no yelling involved.

Are we related??

I broke the mold with AA - to help understand myself and lots of child rearing books - my favorite and easiest to read being the Babywise series.

maybe look into a Coda meeting - co-dependents anonymous? Not saying you are co-dep or anything - but it might help if you think you might have some of those traits.

Wow, this is something I've been struggling with lately and am so glad to see that I'm not alone! (not glad like in a misery loves company kind of way ;)
Anyways, the fact that you acknowledge it and want to change it speaks volumes, I think. My mother was a yeller. To this day when she visits if she even raises her voice at my children I cringe and shudder (I am seeing a therapist btw lol) but there are times when I catch myself yelling at my girls and I hate it! I want to break that pattern. You can do it and I can do it. We just need to work on it. We can all change if we really put an effort to it...

You are correct in stating that acknowledging that you do it is the first step, kudos to you! So from now on just make a conscience effort to change...when you feel yourself going there take a minute in your head to tell yourself to not yell...bring it down a notch and talk in a normal tone.

You can do this!

Thanks for asking this. I struggle with these issues too. I like the book Screamfree Parenting by Hal Edward Runkel. I am trying to recognize the situations and times that I get most anxious and deal with my anxiety, before I make it my kids issue. It is taking time but I am seeing some improvement. There is also another book a friend loaned me one time - She's Gonna Blow (I can't remember the authors name.) Thanks everyone for weighing in on this. Counseling may help, too.

I am looking forward to the answers you get. I totally understand.My dad was a yeller and a few other things which I do not want to pass to my kids. Funny how I hate it but it is almost innate in my personality but hate it and try to correct it. My husband looks at me like I am a kook when I yell and then I say " I know!" and we smile but he puts me into check but still I struggle with it. If you find the answer, let me know. I commend you for posting the question because I know that you and I are not the only Moms out here that struggle with it.

You are definitely not alone in this struggle. How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk, scream free parenting, and 123 magic are all books with lots of helpful info. The library probably even will have them all so you can check them out for free and then buy if it really resonates with you.

Nope not alone at all! I remember hearing this advice that I TRY to live by..

You choose to change by making different choices. Figure out in the moment of yelling why you think you have to take it there and try not to yell.

Good luck.