Advice for Loosening up with Other People's Sick Children

If someone has been vomiting in the past day or has had a fever, I'd want to know and would likely have my kiddos avoid that person.

Sniffles and coughs? You can't avoid those, so I wouldn't even think to tell someone coming over that my kiddo had a cold.

No need to loosen up on this one. My first child had whooping cough before she was vaccinated, and fifth disease, both from coming into contact with SOMEONE who had these things but did not let me know.

I am more of a Nazi than most people about this one. I do not bring my children around other children if mine are sick, and if other people's children are sick and let me know, I won't bring mine around them.

You can't avoid not knowing, however, and there's really nothing you can do about it. :(

A common cold is fine, fever and tossing cookies is NOT okay. People really need to be considerate when looking into allowing their family around others. I just went over a month without seeing my sister and niece because they were rotating the flu in their house and I refuse to catch it. I dislike her fiance, and he was the one that was sick the last week and a half, but I still didn't see them until he was better.

I hate it when parents bring their obviously sick kids around. I think it's really rude. I am just about the most laid back person on earth about germs. Honestly, I don't think I could be more loose. However, I think NOT going when sick...is common sense, and care.

We don't avoid places, because sick people might be there. We don't really do anything to avoid sickness, other then washing hands and all the common sense things. One of those common sense things, is to not have playdates with a sick and contagious child!!

You might be too germaphobic in other areas, but not in this area.

The problem is not you... it's your inconsiderate, selfish friends that are the problem. God forbid they actually had to deal with their sick kids instead of shoving them off to play, all so mommy can get her "me" time.

I don't have friends that would put socializing over their, or my child's well being. End of story.

Yeah, this doesn't really sound like your problem to me. You sound just fine (and I'm NOT a germaphobe). It sounds like other people have a problem, because I seriously DON'T appreciate it when people subject my family to a known illness. I had a winter like your last one several years ago, and it was just awful. I recognize that people are often contagious before they know they are sick, and no one can help that, but once you know, it's your responsibility to protect others from yourself! I think those "friends" who didn't tell you a child had been sick were extremely inconsiderate! In fact, it's bordering on negligent, as there are people with immune disorders for whom a stomach bug or flu can be very serious and even life-threatening. I can't help you with this situation, because I would be quite irritated with such people.

When it comes to your own children being sick, I am always completely honest with people and then let them make the decision. For example, I was back in my hometown for Christmas when my whole family (myself exempted - I caught it over the New Year) came down with the norovirus, which is the violent stomach bug that's been going around. I immediately informed all of my friends who had planned to visit me while I was there. When someone asked if I would like to have company, I told her that I would love to see her (I get to see these people once a year or less) but reminded her that norovirus is extremely contagious. In the end, she (wisely) decided not to come, and no feelings were hurt because we were both honest about the situation.

My kids get enough exposure to sickness through kids that we don't know are sick. I'm not about to knowingly expose them to sick kids. Their immune systems are getting enough practice as is, and I can't have my kids sick all the time just because I don't want them to miss a few fun activities. They have plenty of chances to have fun, especially in the summer time.

I think that you should NOT loosen up. People who say that you should are being selfish. This is a family decision that you get to make, and it's only wrong if you're going against your vision/goals for your family. I think that it's crazy of them to manipulate you to spend time with them and then tell you that it shouldn't matter. I don't like for people to think that they can make these decisions for me.

My friends know me well enough to know that I will cancel or leave if I learn something like that. If I encounter a situation where I learn that someone lied just to avoid the fallout, I no longer trust that person and will keep my distance. I don't care what they think about it, either.

I could have posted this same question. You are putting your kids above social activities where they 'could' get sick (ok - I know kids can get sick ANYWHERE - I am referencing kids with active symptoms). That is totally understandable and I get it. I have a friend that got pissed at me when I uninvited her to my daughter's birthday because HER daughter was diagnosed with Scarlet Fever. I also uninvited the same friend over New Year's because her daughter had a fever, my husband had a fever, and I basically told everyone - come at your own risk, but not if you are sick. 3 people showed up.
Some people just don't get it. (oh - it['s just puking/fever - no biggie) - it IS a big deal when you have a household to worry about getting sick (mom's can't get sick - it is a RULE).

Well, I agree with you. I don't think you're overly germaphobic about this. I do think that the people you describe are overly arrogant about their kids' having what they want and doing what they want while sick. "My little darliing will be soooo disappointed if we postpone his party, so even though he's been vomiting, welcome!" What a self-centered way to think. Little darling can have a party later on and will survive the disappointment. Same goes for playdates where a parent or anyone has been sick in the household -- especially if there's vomiting involved. I think you are not "tightly wound" to want people to respect you enough to act like adults and cancel things or not bring their kids to things.

Your friends who tell you to loosen up are probably the ones who don't get flu shots and take their kids to "chicken pox parties" to expose them on purpose! I get tired of the "oh, just expose them anyway, they will build their resistance" folks. This year there is serious and widespread flu going around, which can cause serious and even fatal complications for young children. There is a very nasty cold making the rounds in our area AND a stomach virus as well. The "just expose them" folks can enjoy sitting home with their vomiting kid or feverish husband but why do they think they can then bring their families out to infect others?

YOU know that illness affects your whole family -- as you say here. Why on earth should you have to "loosen up" because others are inconsiderate and ignorant? Tell your friends what you said here: When your kids are sick, you pay in money, time and heartache.

The problem with this type if thing is, you are not being overly germaphobic... but these people, KNOWINGLY.... still bring their sick kids to a play-date or party. They know it. But then they expect the others or you, to just loosen up about it.
Versus, if you are at a public place or mall, sure there are sick people there too. But, they are not an invited guest to your house. And you don't know them nor do they know you so there is no "obligation" for them to tell you they are sick. They are just, at a public place, like anyone else.

With me and my friends, IF one of our kids or family member is sick they tell me and I tell them. Then, THEY can decide what to do. ie: stay home or not bring their kid or I can tell them too that I opt out. Fine. Its fine amongst me and my friends.

It is RUDE as hell, to still bring a sick kid to a play-date or party... KNOWINGLY. And then expecting all others and the Host, to be fine with it.

Me: I have Asthma. Therefore, if anyone is sick, including my own kids... I DO NOT LIKE IT. Because, if I get sick, it can EASILY compound into a very serious, illness for me. Because I have other health issues. Asthma.
But sure, if MY family members or kids are sick, I do tend to them as any Mom would. Because they are MY family. BUT... with others or invited guests... IF they are sick, I tell them, to stay home. I don't want to get sick, nor get my kids sick. And if my Husband is sick... I have told my friends. Then, it is up to them... if they still want to come over or not.
And YES... rescheduling... is the thing to do.

Or, put medical face masks on... when those sick guests arrive. And put out hand sanitizers. Duh. What a hint, right?

I personally, do not KNOWINGLY.... take my kids to someone else's home if they are sick. No matter what the occasion. And likewise, I do not invite those that are sick, to my home. I tell them we can reschedule. And among me and my friends, it is FINE.

In my State, last year... a 6 month old baby died, due to Pertussis. He got it from a relative, who thought she just had a normal common cold. And the parents initially thought their baby was just sick with a common cold. BUT... it was Pertussis. And sure they took their baby to the Hospital. But the baby died.
So, as you see... people who are sick, should not be around others socially. Because, they can get others sick. And more.

The problem is: with people who KNOWINGLY.... still bring their kids to social occasions to people's homes, and just think nothing of it.

My daughter just got over a really nasty flu, I cringe when I hear other kids sniffle now. LOL However, we can't live in a glass box. So I have to get over it for the most part.

I do try and keep my daughter away from people when she is sick. When we she had the flu I cancelled our New Years party and told my best friend that we weren't coming over later that week. My friend has a six year old that was SO sad she couldn't see my daughter, and we live 1,000 miles away so she hadn't seen her in a year. THAT was really hard. But, I knew I was keeping her from possibly getting very, very sick.

I say, find middle ground. A little bit of a snotty nose isn't a freak out situation. Puking can be borderline. Could be illness, could be food related.
Fevers are no go's. There is obvious infection there and kids should be kept at home.

Those are my rules. :)

I think your friends need to 'tighten up' a bit.
Why on earth would you want someone want their legitimately ill child to play with friends? They should be resting!

I do worry about it-- to a degree. I was a preschool teacher, so my list of "exclusions" is pretty similar to what the schools require. I don't send my kid over on playdates if it's anything beyond the common cold or allergies. I sort of expect the same. I figure that my son is pretty much exposed to a lot of stuff going around at school which is flying under the radar-- I'm old school and like the phrase "don't borrow trouble". :) We don't go out of our way to avoid ill kids, and we do a lot of handwashing with soap and water... I just don't understand why adult socializing can't wait until the kids are well.

Maybe its your avoidance of people that are sick that keeps your kids getting sick? They say that immunity is triggered by exposure and since you do all you can so that they are never exposed maybe this is part of it. Or maybe your kids just really are more unhealthy than most. I certainly wouldn't let sick kids keep me from seeing people I haven't seen in a while-even if it meant putting the sick person in quarantine. If they were truly that sick they wouldn't want to be out anyhow.

You say you are new at this so I am guessing your kids are young. If so you will most likely find it gets much better. My kids are 8 and 11 and rarely get sick anymore whereas they did at least once a season when they were younger.

When my son's immune system was really messed up I felt the way you do. And I *do* think it's rude to not mention when someone has been quite ill prior to a get-together.

That being said, once we got some experience with how to keep our immune systems stronger I became a bit more relaxed.

I still let people know if we've been sick before we come over, and I hope they do likewise. At least that way you have a choice.

I'm assuming your kids are little. Look at it this way, let them be exposed now and they will get sick less often when they are older. We are exposed to all sorts of things everywhere we go. Let them build immunity now. I agree with everything Mallory P had to say.

It's tough to balance. My son got the swine flu the year it first went around. I found this out the day my friends started out on a cross country trip in when they were going to stay a day with us. I had not seen them in 11 years! I hurriedly called them and let them decide. They came anyway. I wiped down everything and kept the sick one in his room, mostly. It could have gone either way. But nobody else got sick. Sometimes it's worth the risk.

On the other hand, we were scheduled to see friends on Christmas day but they got sick with the flu. So we scheduled for a week later on New years day. Both my hub and I got the flu! Sometimes it's not worth the risk!

We are going through something very similiar right now. My 2 boys have been sick for what seems like months. The norovirus is going around our town right and and we got an email from my DS preschool talking about it. We made the decision to not send him to school this week (he only goes two days a week). It may sound severe but literally the last 2 vacations we have planned the kids have been sick with some stomach bug and we are going skiing this weekend.

I would say that you aren't being uptight. Especailly if you have your kids in daycare, having them get sick means you have to find alternative childcare or take days off of work. I would be pissed if a friend of mine brought their sick (not talking cold) child over to my house for a play date. When my two ones are sick I imediately cancel and reschedule events.

I have no problems letting ppl know my kid has a runny nose/cold before I come over. I let them make the call as to whether or not they wish for us to come. And I ask them to extend me the same courtesy. Have I taken my kids someplace where there were sick kids? Sure...but she also gets exposed to stuff all the time at daycare regardless. And although there's a 24hr "no fever" rule, I'm sure it gets broken quite a bit.

A few weeks ago my daughter was sick...staying home from school. The neighbor lady is a single mom and we help her out by taking her son to and from school (the kids are best friends). So I called her to let her know that our daughter was sick and we'd still take her son to school and pick him but thought she should know "S" was sick. I left it up to her.

She made other arrangements. It's not really that hard to do.

I didn't do it because it bothers me when others bring their sick kids around, but i did it because I know it bothers other ppl.

Yes, loosen up. Unless you want your kids to live in a bubble, sickness is just a part of life. For those of us with kids in daycare, sickness is just the way it is. I guess we are putting our kids in a position to get sick everyday when we drop them off. But what can you do? It's a big nasty germy world out there. I don't try and get my kid sick or get other kids sick. But that's the thing about germs- they are invisible, colorless, and tasteless. Sneaky little things. lol
My son stayed sick those first couple of years in daycare. But now that he's in school, he never gets sick. So for some perspective- Kids are going to get sick one way or another, either now or later. There's no avoiding it. You just have to get used to wiping the snot, cleaning up the puke, and move past it.

I would think that you are putting your family's interest first and foremost, which is not a bad thing. I think it's common courtesy for someone to tell you if someone has been sick if you are coming to their house or going on a playdate. If it's friends you haven't seen in awhile, I would say it's up to you and them to decide what's best. My boys, 4 and 6, go to school and preschool where everyone comes to school sick and you really just have to deal with it and take precautions. The more they are exposed, the more likely they will build up resistance and eventually the less they will get sick.

Put me in the "sickness is a part of life" column. I can't remember ever getting upset at being around sick people or ever keeping my kids from sick people (one exception: Our former nanny & very dear family friend had SERIOUS respiratory issues -- we're talking she eventually had a lung transplant issues. If we were due to see her, I'd ALWAYS touch base if one of us had so much as a sniffle.). For me, even as an asthmatic working mom, germs were never a big deal. I mean, you keep your distance, wash your hands and move on.

Still, although I really don't care what you have or bring into my house, I try to let people know if something's been going through our house of if one of us has been ill. I understand that others make different calls. I guess I just never understood what the big deal is about being sick. I mean, unless you've got some immuno-compromised situation or an infant under, like, 6 months, what's the big deal?

if you have a newborn in the house.. or a child with a compromised immune system.. absolutely keep all those sick folks away.

if not... then if you are around folks.. there is likely to be germs.. and germs get people sick.. or you could live liike a hermit and nto see anyone.

so far this winter... we have had strep throat, somach flu, pneumonia (2 cases) scarlet fever adn an ear infection.. plus a couple or regualr old colds tath really didnt slow anyone down much..

this is the first year my kids are in full day school.. so they are having a lot of exposure to all of the germy kids. but it is part of building their immune systems. as they are exposed to the germs .. their bodies learn to fight off the germs.. so the next time they are exposed hopefully they wont get sick.

if you have kids.. and they go to church, school, day care, gymnastics class.. they will be exposedm to germs and will get sick. you can keep them home until they have to go to school at 5..but then look out .. the first year of school they will be sick.. a lot... till they build up immunity..

that being said.. I would avoid stomach flu at all cost.. it is super contagious.. so if someone had stomach flu.. i would not be around..

jennifer, everything you wrote is like reading myself. the only difference is that i don't think i need to loosen up.
even a runny nose is a no-go for me.

I know how you feel. A lot of people don't stop their social lives or stay away from work when sick. The only think YOU can do is make sure you and your family are following healthy habits and washing your hands (I've heard lately up to the elbows) a lot! Research those things and do the best you can. I think Oprah or Dr. Oz had a web article recently on this. Anyway, I'm not a germaphobe but do think some people push it too far in not giving up activities for a child when they are sick.

The only thing that I have found to be helpful is : To call them and ask them before we go over to your house, is anyone sick or has anyone been sick in the last few weeks. Then I decide if its good to go or if we should reschedule. Good luck!

I would not want sick kids (fever, green snotty nose, sore throat or especially vomiting and diarhea) near me or my kids. It is just not fair. The Norovirus (stomach bug) is just so contagious, the best way to avoid spreading it, is to stay away from people for 24 hours after the vomiting/diarhea has ended (or 24 hours after a fever has gone down). This is the rule in most schools and daycares, so I follow it in regards to friends and family as well, and I would expect the curtesy of others being upfront with the info and using those guidelines as well. I know that we can't live in a bubble and you need some germs to keep the immune system functioning, but fewer people would get sick and people would get sick less freqeuntly/less severly if others just took some precautions and used common curtesy! And please people, wash your hands and make your kids wash your hands after using the restroom. I had to share a maternity room with another mother after giving birth to my son (it was crazy busy). Anyway, her older child came to visit and after using the rest room (our bathroom), she asked if he washed his hands. He said, "no, I don't need too" and she didn't enforce it! Just saying.... my immune system doesn't want your kids poop germs...

I agree with you 100% - call me a germaphobe and I'm not going to apologize. Yes, we all can get sick in the course of our every day lives. We go to school, work, the grocery store - there are germs everywhere and we can't avoid them. I CAN avoid germs when someone is kind enough to share the information with me that a family member is or has been sick. I'd like to make that judgement call, thank you very much.

I have a bad back and throwing up or coughing can really do a number on my muscles and put me out of commission for a week or two. My daughter has asthma. A simple cold can turn ugly very quickly and take a month or more to clear out of her lungs. You'd better believe that we're going to avoid sick people whenever we can. If I got to someone's house and found out that someone was puking any time recently, I'd seriously get up and leave. I don't care if people think this is rude. It's rude not to tell people. I've had family members drop off meds or groceries when we've had a stomach bug in the house. They didn't even come in my house - and I wasn't insulted. I've done the same for my sisters.

A note about nebulizers. Look into buying one. It's much cheaper than paying for the treatments. My granddaughter has asthma and her insurance paid for most of it.

I agree with you. If your kid is sick, fever or vomiting keep him away from me and mine. No need to get exposed on purpose.

I think that if your kids do tend to get sick from every bug that comes along, then it's OK to set the same expectations as you would if they were immuno compromised or had health complications. My friends and family whose kids have chronic health conditions are very vocal about keeping sick people away from their kids. They'll mention this when setting up the play date, then will call to check the day of as well.

Now if you truly want to loosen up and feel that you are a bit of a germophobe and that it goes beyond what is rational, I would recommend trying to change your perspective a bit to embrace the fact that every time your kids get exposed to germs, their immune systems get stronger. And also, you can boost their immune systems with really good diets and supplements such as vitamin D, vitamin C, fish oil and echinachea. And of course handwashing is a key component of staying well. I have what may very well be the flu right now (all the symptoms but haven't been tested) and thankfully, none of my kids is sick. That might be sheer luck, or it might be that their vitamins and things like getting a good night's sleep all the time (which I don't) have made it easier for them to fend this off.

Keep in mind that most families have that one year where everyone is sick, one after another, all winter. For us, 2006 was the winter of head lice, norovirus, and strep. It just went on and on and on and was awful. We haven't had a year like that since then, so don't use last year as the measuring stick for all years. If your kids haven't been sick yet during this year of flu and the new strain of norovirus, you're doing pretty well.