Advice for Grandparenting

I think you should not talk to the father. I think that you should support your daughter in her efforts to get the legally required child support payments from the father. And if the childcare responsibilities are too much for you, then you should let your daughter know. Your daughter can decide if she wants to ask the toddler's father to take the baby while she works or she can hire outside childcare. She's the parent, and she needs to make the parenting decisions.

I understand your frustration but I don't see that speaking to him will make any difference. It hasn't so far, and why you think that continuing to try that route will be successful is beyond me. The child is 2 and the father hasn't stepped up.

Besides that, it's not your job. It's your frustration to keep bailing her out, but his parenting (or lack of it) is not your concern.

I read your prior posts and there seemed to be a theme that your daughter was unprepared in many ways for adulthood and parenting. But again, the child is 2. The mom needs to step up and not be bailed out all the time by grandmothers. One grandmother is already having them live in her home, right? Cancelling plans all the time isn't sustainable and it builds bitterness and frustration.

One thing I'll take issue with is your statement that the father "will get what's needed at times." That's not enough, and he has a legal responsibility to support his child, not pick up a box of diapers now and then or whatever. Your daughter needs to get court-ordered child support. If he doesn't want to cooperate, too bad - the court will take it out of his paycheck. If he doesn't have a job, he can explain to the court why not. So, I'd urge the mom to get some parenting classes and to insist that the father get them as well (through the court) - I don't see why leaving a 2 year old with a disconnected and ill-prepared bio father is advisable. Which is probably why the grandmothers are stepping up so much. Perhaps the mom could benefit from some life coaching too, to help her with confidence, focus and direction. Continuing to enable her is not good for anyone.

Here's the thing. You are trying to put the responsibility of making the father fall in line with parenting on yourself. L., it's not your baby. It's not your responsibility to push the father. It's your daughter's responsibility.

Yes, she needs help, but she already has free babysitting and a place to live. If she wants the father to be more present, it's her job to go to him and work this out. Not yours.

You feel that the responsibility for this child now lies on you because of his poor decisions. But you are not the parent. You have the choice to say "I'm sorry, but I can't care for Suzie this weekend. You'll have to make other plans." When your daughter balks, you can say "I'm sorry, but this is not my responsibility. Go work it out with John." If she hasn't taken him to court for child support, she should.

Your daughter needs to grow up some. She is happy to take the path of least resistance, and you are letting her do that. Time to make her do the heavy lifting.

You've got a couple issues here.

You want to be 'grandma' and not daycare - there's nothing wrong with that.
Your daughter needs to get reliable day care - and you will watch grandchild when you can and want to - and this has NOTHING to do with who ever baby sits when you can't and/or don't want to.
You raised your kids and you didn't get anyone pregnant - your daughter and the grand childs father did.
It's great your daughter works but figuring out daycare is part of being a parent.

The other issue is - are you a family counselor?
Because if you are - then counseling your grand childs father about how to raise his kid is a conflict of interest - being related you are too close to the situation to provide any objective advice.
And if you're not - then you are not qualified to provide advice - and he didn't ask you for your opinion and will not listen to it.

For all you know he was in it for the sex and didn't sign up for 18 years responsibility and is not interested in being a father.
He might never step up - and no one can make him.
A court order will keep child support coming and enforce any visitation/custody arrangement.
If he's paying child support then part of that support goes to paying for a babysitter or daycare for when your daughter is working - and your daughter needs to make it a priority.
If he's not working and not paying child support - he still owes it - and it will be collected when he starts working.

In the mean time - tell your daughter your schedule and stop cancelling your plans.

well, i suppose there's nothing *wrong* with it, if you're looking for the nitty gritty, and it does seem as if you're seeking validation pretty hard.

i think the bigger question is 'do you think that confronting the father is actually going to change anything?'

presumably he knows he's a father, the age of his child, the financial situation in which the mother is laboring, and the pressure he's putting on his own mother.

do you really think your confrontation is going bring about an epiphany?

really?
khairete
S.

It's wrong - most definitely.

I'm not sure whose mother you are. If you're not the father's mother - then it most definitely is inappropriate.

If you're his mother, then yes - you could nudge him to take more responsibility (I would if it were my son).

But ultimately - this is between the mother and father of the little girl. They need to work out an agreement.

I think it's great the grandmothers have stepped up to help mom out. However, it's not on you to cover if the other one is ill. However, if you want to work it so that she covers you if you're ill, that's convenient. My sister had this arrangement with my mom and her MIL. They covered each other's shifts if the other was sick. They did not mind and both were retired so it wasn't a big deal (not that often). However - if this is a pain and you're not into it - then Mom needs to find alternate child care - a backup.

The mother is responsible for obtaining child care for her own child. It's no one else's business to try and do that.

You should also not have to change your plans. Make your plans and give her a calendar each month that shows your plans so she can find someone else if her other babysitter backs out. That's her job.

That's their marriage. Their issues. You let them figure it out.
Love on the granddaughter!

I understand your frustrations but you really can’t change the parents. I know that because I’ve tried. After a lot of trying to encourage my daughter and husband to step up and put their children first I had to make a decision. I decided to just take care of my grandchildren for the children. Once I made that decision I stopped resenting my change of plans to meet their needs. It really is not a choice of who should do the majority of child raising. It is in fact a choice of whether the kids are well cared for. So I take my grandkids whenever the kids need it. Think long and hard on your situation and make a decision about what you are willing and able to do and what your grandchild needs. Basically leave your opinion of the parents out of it.