Advice and Insight on Life with 2 Children Under 3 and Help with a Messy Hubby.

Hi G.,
I was in the same boat as you after the birth of my second son. My husband is a really great man and great father, but I just don't think that they 'get' it. Sometimes you think they know that the dishes should be done and the laundry folded, but it's really not on their minds. What worked for me was asking my husband to do things instead of expecting him to be a mind reader. Then I praise him for doing a good job and I think it makes him happy that he pleased me so he would continue on. But believe me, it still isn't easy sometimes so you just have to hang in there!

I'm going to keep this short because I have no advice to give -- I'm going to read the responses and see if I can find something that might help me with my husband.

I have twin 13 month old girls. They are wonderful! I work fulltime. The girls and I leave the house at 5:30am on M/W/F and 7am Tu/Th and we do not get home until 6:30pm. My husband is no help with anything. I knew this before we were married so I cannot complain. It doesn't seem to bother him that I do everything for him and for the girls. I love him and the girls and will continue to "do it all". At least I have the benefit of his mother ALWAYS telling him how lucky is he to have me :-) !!! Good luck; I just wanted to let you know you aren't alone in having a husband who is not the most helpful.

All I can think of besides what others have suggested is to call him around the time he's expected to be home and ask him if he would mind starting (something specific for) dinner. If I ask my hubby to just "start dinner", whether I ask him right when he's home or any other time through the day, it doesn't get done. But if I already have a plan and convey it to him properly, he'll take care of it.

Some men are just like that... they need very specific instructions at the time when you want them to do it. It takes more planning for you, but it's easier to give instructions than it is to do what needs to be done when you aren't there to do it!

That's all you can do, is take it in stride.;-) You may not think its true, but your (soon to be) 2 year old can be a bigger help than you think. I have a 15 year old girl, a 6 year old girl and the last two are boys ages 2 years old and 3 years old (yes, they are only 14 months apart). I ask my little boys to help me put away toys, line up shoes, carry their folded laundry to their room. They think it's cool to help mommy, so they do it. Money isn't everything, ...compensations could be simply A BIG FAT KISS FROM MOMMY ! I work from home, but it is just as busy as working full time outside the home. As for dinner menus, you could cook a big pot of stew on the weekend and freeze in ziploc bags, so when your hubby gets home early from work, he could "warm up" and start dinner. You could actually have dinner labeled in freezer ziploc bags Monday thru Friday. Or have some Family Frozen Dinners handy, they take less than 30 minutes to prepare. I don't know if you like Hamburger Helper, but kids like em and they are easy to prepare, too. I usually think of dinner the night before and thaw out or prepare the night before. Nights that my husband gets off early (he works 2 jobs) he offers to cook on the BBQ grill outside. Those are my nights off for sitting back. He even cleans up afterwards. We've been together for over 20 years (since our teen years). One thing I've learned is that, men are not mind readers. So you have to communicate. Ask him, "Can you wipe the counters and tables down for me tonight ? " and don't forget to say "Thank you !" Let him know that when he helps with "little" things, it makes a BIG difference ! He will start to help you with other things. And when he asks you if you need help, never say "oh, no that's ok. " give him something to do, even if it is something small. Hey, that's ONE LESS thing for YOU to do. ;-) p.s. Congratulations on expecting your 2nd child. G., if you are interested in making extra $ email separately "____@____.com" I'll be glad to direct you to my link. Take Care !

Hi G.,

I can totally understand your feelings of anxiety about having two babies under the age of three. I happen to have two babies that are under the age of two at home and they are not twins! We have a 20 month girl and an 8 month boy. I also work full time. Yes, we are busy, tired, cranky and stressed. Life is much more complicated now than it was two years ago. But everytime I think I can't do another thing, something happens that reminds me why it's all worth while. Like a knowing smile from my son or a hug, just because from my daughter. As for the hubby...if he's not into cooking, find something he can handle and assign him duties. My husband can't make toast w/o burning it, but he is great at scrubbing bottles and doing laundry and taking out the trash. If all else fails, GET A HOUSEKEEPER. I never could justify the expense before but when my son was born, we decided to get some help and it changed our lives. No more bickering about who is going to vaccum, dust, clean out the pantry, etc. It's the best investment and saver on time. My last bit of advice, don't ever let your husband off the hook by saying he doesn't have to clean after you, just himself. He's no longer a swinging bachelor. He's a grown man with responsibilities and he needs to learn to do his part. It may take time, but I guarantee that if you find the things he is good at and encourage him to do it, you'll start to see some change. Don't try to do it all by yourself. A family isn't a family if only one person is doing all the work.

Hang in there and you'll see--it's not easy but you'll be fine and things will fall into place. And it is all truly worth it!!!

Dearest G.,
I feel for you. With your husband, you have to be firm and clear with him about what you expect, but it must be done in a respectful and loving way. Kind of like the way you'd address your own son. Tell him what you would like him to do before you get home, ie. make the rice, prepare the kids meals, pick up the living room, etc. Start out with small steps, and gradually increase your expectations once the communication is set and things are improving. If things don't improve, I suggest family counciling, do it now before the second baby arrives. It really helps.

I would also get someone to clean your house every other week while you are pregnant and every week for the first 6-8 weeks after giving birth. Tell your friends and family now that once the baby is born they are free to bring meals over, or make extra food that you can freeze and easily heat up later.
I am 32 weeks pregnant, expecting my second son, the first one is 2 years and 9 months. I teach full time, so I can understand what you are going through. You might tell your husband that if he doesn't help to do his part, you may not be able to work full time and keep it all together. I know that working part-time may not be an option for you, but let him know you're sincere when it comes to needing his help. Running a household is a 2 person job!
Good luck!

G. Z, You remind me of me 28 years ago. Tell your husband how all of this makes you feel. Then let him know how helpful it is when he helps you with even the smallest of things. Enjoy the moments. Best to you and your growing family, B. B

Its amazing how many men do this! Every time I read this often told story I thank God for my husband! When I was first married and working full time, I expected my husband to do half the house work. But there were some things I had not facotored in, like yard work and bill paying. When I relized that 50/50 in the house meant 50/50 in the yard, I was more than happy to scurb all toilets and showers. Asuming he really takes more down time than you and isn't just doing the work you don't care for, I would approach it this way:
When you see him in the act of taking down time, say "honey, I see you need your down time. I could use some too, but never have any. do you think you can do some of the work I do, so I aslo can get a break?"
Do your best to express you needs without nagging. Hope all goes well. Also, why don't you sit down with him at the computer and let him see what you wrote and read the responses together. Maybe he will see your need in a new light and it can open a door for healthy discussion?

Hi G., have you tried crock-pot cooking? It's a time saver. My husband was like yours so I hired someone to come in and clean once a week. She would clean bathrooms, floors, and vacuum. It took me a long time to realize I was not superwoman and that I had to learn to pamper myself. If your husband complains because of the cost then ask him to help more then may be you would only need the extra help every other week. Believe me what you pay for this service is worth it. You will enjoy coming into a clean house at least once a week. And with the crock pot meal there will be more time to spend with the family or rest as your pregnancy advances. You are the heart of the family if you don't spoil yourself, who will?

G.,

I wrote you this long letter then hit the computer button with my toe on accident and lost it. So now it's going to be shorter.

1st/ congrates on #2. Some how they just fit in & go with the flow, it just all works out so don't stress, It's 3 that gets a little mind boggling. They seem to always be behind you were you can't see them, or all in your face Listen to me, listen to me, listen to me. But like I said it all just happens so don't stress.

As for Hubby and a clean house please go to other things J. P. has written under Jennifer H. and Claudia W. the date was 7/22/08.

Remember to spend as much time as possible with your little ones because 20 years flies by fast. Before you know it your little ones will start School then all of a sudden they are talking colleges & graduations. Your house will be less toyish but the dust will still be their whether you clean it today or next week, besides if you showed up at anyone elses house unexpected. They probably have clothes on the floor, toys everywhere, and the weekly clutter. We happen to live their. Model homes are clean because no-one lives their. Please see my other letters because there is so much more in them that I had wrote to you but lost. God bless you! Remember you can multi task your wonderwoman, you can do 10 things at once, plus work a full time job, and have the happiest kids ever. J. P.

I too have a messy husband, sometimes he is worse than the kids (I have an 18 month old and a 5 year old)
! I know it is SOOOOO frustrating. I have tried everything to get him to clean up, and nothing seems to work. I hope you find a solution that works, curious to see what the responses are...Good luck! Hey you have age on your side I am 41! It only gets harder! lol!

I asked my husband to take all needs into consideration-for the whole family and to deligate a household responsibility list that he felt was balanced and geared to replenish and build (rather than deplete and destroy) everyone involved.

As he made this list, he realized in some ways he was very aware of what needed to happen each day in certain areas, and very unaware in others. Tenderly and logically I helped him realize the areas he was unaware of. Children's hair doesn't magically brush itself, for example. Diaper bags don't magically pack themselves. Mildew DOES grow in the bathroom. A wife's emotional, spiritual, and physical health do not magically replenish when exploited. Of course, I didn't throw those truthes at him. I worked with his vision of what he wanted to see happening in his family. I asked him in what kind of condition did he want his children to leave the house in the morning or how prepared he would like them to be at their classe? Or how whole and healthy he would like me as a wife? This is family science. Men LIKE science! They also like to be the authors of their family's greatness. It is a valuable source of positive well being for them. One we might as wives withhold from them because we're afraid of what everyone thinks or might say about us. I love to respond to judgemental, one-uping, conditionally loving people by stating that for our family we prefer taking the longer path that results in real self-reliance and healthy interdependence, not co-dependence. Non-judgemental, unconditionally loving people know this already, so they won't say rude things to you. It is a good thing to say to your own mind if you find your own mind to be the most critical entity around you.

When my spouse became responsible in overseeing the outcome of the daily routine, his family vision grew tremendously. He actually felt like the governor of the home instead of just another child there. His interest in reading parenting books grew in leaps and bounds. I think men, when they feel honored in it, really like the role of husband and father.

If his concept of balanced family order ends up being off kilter (and as a man learns to excell as a husband and father his leadership will need improvements now and then), make sure to not react to it as if it were a crisis. Just approach him level-headedly. "Hey Dear, how to you feel your plan is going? What are its strengths, what are its weaknesses, what is one thing you would like to improve this week?" Good husbands and fathers are like great trees, they take some time to get there, but its worth the journey. Use a patient, nurturing influence and you most likely will get positive results. This is a journey of long term investment proportions you will be embarking on, not one of instantaneous perfection. God be with you!

Oh, and remember, the head of the household is the one most likely to go bald, so make sure it's your husband, not you!!! LOL!!!

Hi G.,

Okay... sure fire method for you..

Crock Pot cooking... make enough for two meals... cook every-other day.
Example: pot roast with veggies / taco meat the leftovers.

A once a month maid service...

Wash laundry when you can...
Have hubby help you fold on your bed when kids are asleep... this will "train" him to help.
Listen to his day and he will then listen to yours..

Teach your man what a dishwasher looks like.
If he can place dishes in dishwasher THAT WOULD BE A GREAT HELP..
Otherwise, put paper plates on the kitchen counter and tell hubby to use those.

Not worth the arguments... it only gets you mad and hubby in trouble.
Praise him for all of his efforts and tell him constantly that you are greatful for his help.
If your kids are well looked after and he is a great Dad, you have it made in the shade!

Best of luck.. with a few tricks, hubby will do just fine for you!

M.

Hi, congratulations on your pregnancy. I often feel overwhelmed, and then it gets me in a bad mood! So to avoid it, i change my way of thinking. Instead of complaining about the little help i get, or never being able to do this or that for me, i instead ask the Lord to give me a thankful heart! Thank yuo that i have my husband who works hard to support the family, thank you that my older daughter is such a good girl, and thank you that i am aleways the only one who takes care of the baby, thank you for the baby! May i be that mother she needs me to be. If you don't change the way you think you will be become an old bitter woman at a very young age! Heehee.
Of course it does not hurt to remind your husband in love (not sarcasm or hate) that it would be awesome if he could do the dishes when he gets home and make sure the floor is picked up. Just tell him that you are feeling overwhelmed and need some support. And when he does do something, make sure you thank him, so he will do it again! Haaha. Enjoy your family and don't major in the minors.

Tell your hubby if he wants it like the good old days when mommy did all the mothering and the cleaning and everything then you want it like the good old days when daddy brought home the bacon which allowed mommy to do everything under the sun. If you are not blessed to have your husband make enough and all of you who are please let your man know how grateful you are. I am not and want to be a full time mom so I work from home 7-5 plus am a full time mom. I do it all. I tell my husband I do this to help him not because I want to, so if he wants me to do 1/2 his job he better do 1/2 of mine. It has it's ups and downs because some days are great and others they slack off but it is just not their nature so we do have to keep reminding them or telling them and you may get attitide but expect it from him. You write a list of everything you do including bring home income and have him write his list which wont be long. Then tell him things need to be divided fair things he is good at and things you are good at and what could be divided and shared. If he disagrees tell him you will be a stay at home mom and he can be a working dad. That for all this time you had to figure out how to do it all know it's his turn to figure it out but he will only be responsible for the income alone not 1/2 the income and all the work and parenting. But don't forget to tell him how much you love him and you wish you were superwomen and could do it all but it is impossible and you need his help. Best of Luck. It is something you always need to work on. My husband does alot cooks, cleans, shops and kid stuff and does help with my work when I need it. But it took time and I have to continue to ask for extra help when I need it he is not a mind reader.

Tell your husband you're overwhelmed and need help. If he expects you to go to work, he needs to help with cooking and housework. Insist on it.

Congratulations on news of your second child. I watched my sister and her husband raise their three daughters who were two years apart in ages. They both worked full-time. He got home first and she ususally got home an hour and a half later. She even took a college evening class or two every year until she earned her degree. This worked out for them because he didn't seem to mind being the "mom" when she wasn't there. It worked out great. He usually prepared dinner in a crockpot so that dinner was ready by the time he came home in the evening. It helps to set the children's clothes out the night before so you're not scrambling in the morning trying to figure out what everyone's going to wear for the day. As long as this is a team effort, you'll survive. Good luck!

Hi G.,
I have 2 children (3 years & 16 months) and am 4 months pregnant. Like you, I also work full-time. Life is insane and here is how I have learned to semi-cope (with the advice of my counselor of course). Maybe some of these ideas will help you-

-Run your house like a business. It's imperative you stay organized in order for it to function well, much like at work.

-Know your limits. I finally hired a cleaning lady because I couldn't keep up with the deep cleaning. My time is worth way more than I what I pay her.

-Stop picking up after your husband. He is not one of your children and you are not his mother (such a huge revelation for me b/c before kids I always picked up after him). If my husband leaves his clothes on the floor, they stay there. If he doesn't clean his stuff up around the house, I make a pile in the hall. Once it falls over, he picks it up. He is slowly coming around and seeing that he needs to pick up.

-Talk with your husband. Tell him what you need from him and why. He can't read your mind and you shouldn't expect him to. If you want him to make dinner a couple nights/week let him know it would really help you out. If he starts pitching in, I bet you would be happier and more affectionate toward him (which what guy doesn't want?) and a great cycle is born.

-Create a schedule. Each week my husband & I plan out the week. What we are eating, who is dropping off at daycare, who gets a kid's free night, etc. It is simple and it gets you prepared for the week.

-Put yourself first. That doesn't mean become selfish. It means take care of yourself first, your husband second and your children third. My life has completely changed since I realized this. If I am happy, everyone in the house is happy. And if my relationship with my husband is in a good place, the children feel it and they thrive as well. Some moms may disagree with this way of thinking but it works for me. Just because I have children doesn't mean I'm not me anymore. Sure my priorities have changed but not my basic needs (affection from my husband, friends, yoga, books, etc)

-Find a core group of lady friends, Moms or not. These ladies will get you through the good & bad times and will always be there for you. I can't put into words how much my friends give me emotionally. They may challenge my ideas and parenting skills but they also give me unconditional support and love. I say not moms b/c sometimes it's nice to talk with someone about something other than cheerios and sippy cups!

Now for you 21 month old. They are crazy, fun, precocious and his energy is not going away anytime soon. Give him a ton of love b/c he will no doubt feel second fiddle once his brother/sister is born. Schedules also work really well for us (now that my son is 3). If he knows what he's eating for breakfast & dinner, what his routine will be before bedtime(books vs. puzzles) he doesn't fight us as much.

Nights are so hard b/c after work I'm exhausted and I just want to sit on the couch. However, it's time to slip into mommy mode and take care of everyone, including my husband. I remind myself constantly that my boys will only be this little for a short time and I try to have fun and be silly with them.

I hope you find something in here that will help. Know you are not alone, we are all struggling and doing the best we can!

Tell that "husband" of yours EXACTLY what you just said on here. He should love you and the family and help you just as much as you help everyone.

Wendy

Try making a family schedule. Tell your hubby that you are feeling concerned about the workload that is coming up with having another baby in the house and you have a solution:
Set a dinner plan- you make dinner MWF, he does it on T TH or whatever works. Ask him if he can take on laundry or something one day a week.. write it down and hold him to it- but nicely- like if he says he'll do laundry on Tuesday nights, put the detergent and hamper in a conspicuous spot to remind him (and leave a note on top that says "thanks hunny!"

Be silly about it so it doesn't get too heavy. You don't want to make your plea for some teamwork seem too much like a chore... just point out how easy it is to fix..

Write a note on the dishwasher that says "thank you for
putting your dishes away, honey" to remind him that he is perfectly capable of getting them in the right place.

I have been known to leave my husbands dirty laundry on his pillow if I find it on the floor... he laughs and puts it in the hamper... don't make a huge fuss.. but stay on him!

About two kids under three, remember your older one is still a baby and don't make him be the "BIG" brother. Treat him like you treat him today, uniquely and lovingly. Your baby will have a whole new set of needs.. to prevent jelousy, pretend to tell the baby (out loud) that it is your older son's turn so he knows he still gets special time with you. When you need to feed the baby, your son will be more understanding because he knows he gets his own time too.
Let your son be involved with your baby, but don't try too hard... he is still much more interested in YOU than his sibling and he needs to know he is still your baby!
If a guest comes to visit the baby, try to think of something to tell them that your older child did recently so he hears he is still being talked about. don't make all of your conversations with your son about the baby either... He'll let you know how much he loves his sibling with his curiosity and kisses.
Lastly get a double stroller and a baby bjorn. It is great to have your hands free when you also have a 2 year old walking around.
take care

Dear G.,

My heart goes out to you.....you married a man who is behaving like a child. This is just not o.k. Please insist on marriage counseling before your resentment increases. You have every right to have a partner in the marriage, to help you with the kids and house.

Best wishes

When my daughter was about 9 months old, my husband and I had a huge fight with me throwing off my wedding rings because I was not getting much help either. This woke him up and we made a chore list on the calendar where we split the chores (laundry, shopping, etc.) and take turns in the evening feeding our daughter and putting her to bed so that we each can go work out or do whatever. I went back to work full-time when our daughter was 2 months old, my husband is a high school teacher also and we have a teenager as well. However, my husband has always helped cook. Once school starts, I will be doing dinner in the evenings, only time to work out on the weekends (which we will take turns doing) and I have will have a cleaning lady come in once a month to clean the house. I'm not going to spend the whole weekend doing chores!

Hi G.,

Life for me has been busy. I was a full time student when I had my first and then went into full time work right after. Currently I have 3 kids, ages 7,4,and 3, pregnant with number 4 and still working full time. My husband was a full time dental student when we had #2 & 3. He's been working for a year now. I plan to finally go part time after this baby is born.

Life can be very busy. But just take everything in stride and remember, don't sweat the small stuff. Here's a link that I thought was very helpful. If you want to know more about our routines, feel free to email me. but as you can imagine, there's so much I could tell you. :)

http://www.lifeorganizers.com/cleaning/10-daily-steps-to-...

I have three kids, a girl who is now 9 and two little boys 4 & 3 and one MESSY husband who likes a clean house LOL. Well when Baby #2 got here the house was not so organized and BAM baby #3 shows up only 14 months later so now the house was a total WRECK. Hubby did not like it! Any way to make a long story short, since we both work outside of the house and have three kids TOGETHER :) we had to do some major reorganizing of house hold duties. We sat down and divided up ALL the chores between mom, dad, and kids (these chores change as kids grow), and we also added when they all had to be done. The first chore is that EVERYONE must pick up after themselves, this is NOT moms job, then all else was divided. Who ever gets home first must at least start dinner so many days a week, he who does NOT cook cleans the mess, and if a person is forced to pick up something that is NOT thiers then that item IS theirs now. This works well with the kids, but I do have many new "sleep" T-shirts and the hubby did get low on socks :) Just keep in mind that any change in the house will take several weeks to work and stick, so good luck to you all and I hope that with all the advice you recieve you will find something that works for you house. I tell my hubby all the time that I did not make these kids by myself so I should not have to pick up after them by myself too :)

You have a lot on your plate, but you can handle it. Definitely utilize your 2year old - my daughter thinks it is fun to clean with the swiffer, and if I ask her to clean up her toys, she is usually pretty willing. I too experience the mess of dishes and things after I have left a clean house. Every once in a while I express my frustration, but I often get a better response by being very caring towards my husband and give him huge kudos when he does help out - verbally express how grateful you are for help - they need egos's stroked. As far as dinner .... some nights you can try Fresh and Easy - yes, prepacked dinners, but fresh so you just pop in the microwave - they are not frozen. Check to see if you have a store near you. They also package all of their fresh foods (meats included) in smaller portions for 2 or 3 people. It makes dinner quick.

Don't stress - my neighbors who are SAH moms always comment how clean my house is, but I just know my time is very limited at home, so I budget it well - you will do the same. Good luck! I am heading towards your boat ... just 3 weeks pregnant now. :)

Good luck and just do the best you can. You are great, but don't feel the need to be a supermom 24/7.
k

Life with 2 under 3 is like having 10! Flat out tell him he needs to make dinner. Perhaps you both could plan a menu on weekends and get stuff ready ahead of time. Also crock pots save me. I so know what you mean. My husband is almost as ADHD as my youngest, I get zero help and work full time. I've resolved myself that things will be out of place and dishes will be in the sink. To make my life crazier, I got my 9 yr old a puppy and it now eats socks and slippers so I have to clean up.

I understand your frustration. My hubby isn't really messy, but he hates cleaning up.

We have a 15 month old and a 3 year old. I am a SAHM. DH works FT.

After 8 years of marriage plus 4 years of dating, we have a system that "mostly" works for us regarding chores around the house. He handles all of the outside chores (lawn, weeds, pool stuff, etc.) since those are things he can do on the weekends and because I am very allergic to pollen. If I need him to help me with cleaning up the inside of the house, I give him a list and give him a week to complete everything so he doesn't have to hear me nagging him. If he doesn't complete the list by the end of the week, he has to hear my nagging until he gets it done. For the most part he gets it all done. I'd say if I give him a list of 10 things, he will get 8 done.

Hi G.,

I feel your pain regarding the messy husband/no help issue and feeling so exhausted and not enough hours in the day. I am close to your age, 26, with only 1 child who is 13 months, and don't have another on the way, but I totally understand what you are going through and can only imagine how nervous you might be with the second one coming. My advice to you is to ask your husband for help at the time things are going on. I used to ask my husband ahead of time when we would sit down and talk, but when it was in the heat of the moment, he would forget and watch TV and there I'd be in the kitchen trying to feed the baby, cook and clean at the same time all while being mad at him for sitting out in the living room watching TV. So what I began to do is on the days where I wanted help, I'd literally hand him the baby with food and ask him to feed her. Then I could start dinner and clean up as I cooked so I wouldn't have to do it after. If I ended up feeding her then I would hand her to him after she ate for a bath. While he bathed her I'd cook dinner for us, put her to bed and we'd have our time to eat. You may get push back from him at first, but try to resist the "never mind I'll do it myself attitude" and allow him to do it. He will probably end up enjoying helping and spending more time with your son. I've found that men can be clueless and not realize you need help and just think you're super woman so you have to let them know how you feel or they won't know and it has to be in the moment because they forget if you tell them ahead of time. I know it sounds like a 5 year old, but if that's what it takes, then that's what it takes. As far as picking up after himself, while us as women change the way we are and think drastically when we have kids, men don't really do the same thing. They aren't programmed to think that "I have a kid now so I should be more responsible and help more and pick up after myself". They just aren't. Again, in the moment when you see his stuff laying around, you should tell him to pick it up. I'm sure he'll look around and not even realize how much stuff he had laying around and put it away, but if you don't bring it to his attention he may not even realize it. I know it all sounds like common senses stuff, but sometimes men honestly seem like they don't have any and it's not that they don't, it's just that their priorities are not the same as ours. Sorry this is so long, but I've gone through the same stuff and had many serious arguments over petty stuff like this when my daughter was first born. We ended up in counseling and learned a lot and how to cope with each others differences and how to communicate with each other more effectively. Hope this helps. Let me know if you need to talk.

Gee...let's see.
I think I'd print out your posting - tape it to the front door so he can read it one of those days that he returns from work early.
If he cannot see it himself - he needs it in his face.
Some men just get used to having it all done - you need to tell him it's no longer available.
When I was pregnant with both my children - my husband did most of the stuff at the house - basically cause I plainly told him I could not.
You need to speak your mind - and if he does not get it - have a doctor put it in writing for him.

E.

Mine are 2 1.2 years apart. I do not work full time but I felt like it was easier when #2 came along. My oldest is very busy and also never stops until she is sleeping. She seemed to calm down a bit when her sister was born. It will all work out.

Good Luck!

G. I agree with you 100%, your husband should be doing a more if he gets home before you. I am so sorry that he is not more helpful. You didn't mention who picks up your 2 y/o. If he gets the kid on his way home from work, then I can understand a bit if the house gets messier after he gets home and he can't get dinner started (it is hard to prepare a meal and occupy a toddler at the same time with no one else to help). Also realize he does not get a chance to rest after work either if he has your son with him the minute he walks in the door.
But I have NO sympathy for this man if you are the one picking your son up from childcare and he has 2+ glorious hours to himself around the house to spread out, relax, and make a mess of things.

I am the opposite- I get home with our 15 mo/old daughter 2 hours before hubby (I also work in school). I manage to unpack/repack the baby bag, make the bed, tidy up toys and sometimes even a load of laundry before he gets in. Dinner is more difficult- baby is getting cranky by then... it takes two people- one to make it and one to keep the small one out of the way. 6:30 is pretty late to get it started (when you get home)... I would consider taking the pressure off dinner somehow. I found that I was just planning too many complex meals for the work-week. If you can, do a lot of prep on the weekend- chop up and bag veggies for a stir fry, prepare a casserole and put it in the freezer, whatever.

And you are correct, there is never enough time in the day to get everything done. There never will be. So don't even try to get everything done. Talk with him about what you both can live with going "undone" for possibly days on end (dishes? Dirty clothes on the floor?) and then give him the power to make the plan of whose responsibility is what and how often it should be done like someone said (I think Melanie V).
You know your husband best, you'll find a way to get him to help more. And if not, remember that your almost 2 year old will be whole 6 months older by the time #2 arrives and probably a lot more capable like others have said. Sounds like you work hard and want the best for your family :) Good luck!

Hi, G.. I would tell you that you can't do it all. You and your hubby should sit down and talk uninterrupted and tell him you need his help. I've seen where you put each task on a piece of paper or a bag and take turns picking a task so the workload is equally shared. If he hates to do dishes, he can pick vaccuuming, etc. The other option is to tell him that you cannot work full time and take care of him, a home and children and that you both have 7 months to figure out how you can work part time from home or become a stay at home wife and mommy. At one point, I had 5 kids under the age of 5 (5, 4, 2yr old twins and a newborn). You'll need to be really organized if you have to keep working and it does work to run your house like a business. I also had to work full time, so I have a little experience and you will drive yourself nuts if you don't find balance. And again, the best way to do so is now, before you are completely overwhelmed. You might want to read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands too. (Dr. Laura Slessinger) It has great insights about how to talk to your husband and how to change/transform your life and marriage. (It's about giving and getting what you need and woman empowerment, not controlling women. Great resource and it does work.) Good luck with the kiddos. It's awesome!

Hi G.,
Congrats on the new baby! I have the opposite problem - My husband is neat freak and I'm the messy one.

I only have one son (5 years old) and I work full time. My husband is a producer so he is home a lot more than I am. I'm the messy one in my house. I truly believe that being with your kids is more important than keeping the house neat. So make sure quality times comes before cleaning!

However, my husband is the one who cleans and cooks and gets crazy because I leave stuff around the house. I'm not messy to annoy him, it's just the way I am and I really have to conciously think about it to stay neat. I'll be neat for awhile then go back to being messy. Because I'm naturally messy, I don't really understand why he gets so upset - but he does. So he has to keep reminding me that I need to be neater and help out with some of the cleaning up. I am really trying to think about being neater now to keep the peace. Because I'm at work all day, I just want to hang with my son when I get home and not worry about cleaning up.

My best friend is a stay at home mom with 3 kids. She was always a neat freak when we were growing up (cleaning up after me). With 3 boys in the house, she has learned to ease up on the neatness. Her husband is a college professor and he does all the cooking. She does the cleaning while the kids are in school.

With 2 kids, you really are going to need your husband to help you. I agree with the other mothers, show him your letter and talk about how you can share the work. It will be hard with a new baby but as the baby gets older it gets easier and the kids can eventually start helping. My son loves to set the table and help my husband cook dinner. I'll put the dishes away afterwards. You just have to come up with a plan that works and constantly revise the plan as things in the house change.

I hope this helps! Good luck with everything! I'm sure you'll work it out!

G. - first, know that you are not alone. Men are from Mars....Women from Venice (or vice versa!). We are different species & most men don't have it in them to juggle between household chores & a career. You are handling it right by telling your husband what you need but realize it requires repeating....sometimes on a daily basis. Try leaving him a note when he comes home...."Honey....when you get home, please start the dishwasher, or a load of laundry....or such & such is planned for dinner, if you could start the rice or whatever else it is, that would help me a lot. Start with just one or two tasks. You might also consider using a crock pot & starting your dinner before you leave for work. There are tons of healthy dishes you can prepare in a crock pot. You might consider planning your meals over the weekend & cook something Saturday and/or Sunday that you can use as left overs or by adding something creating a 2nd meal for an easy night or two during the week. Taco's one night make great tostada's the next. I spent my younger years being a freak about a clean, picked up house. What was really important was to step inside the door & sit down & enjoy my family not look around and see what was wrong with the place or worry about starting dinner right away. Make your life as simple as possible....and, even your children can help with "clean up...clean up" before bedtime. I have my whole family sing the song & go around & pick things up before retiring....yes, that includes a very hard working, loves to relax in his recliner husband. I have learned over the years to relax rather than stress, cook easy meals rather than gourmet every night, and ASK nicely for help. I am 50 with 2 twin girls turning 2 tomorrow....and have a 29 yr. daughter & 24 yr. old son. If you do the math......I was in your shoes 25 years ago.....this time I'm doing it right & enjoying my family not stressing about the little things! Good luck to you!

G.,
Congratulations! First of all you have to sit hubby down for a family meeting. Marriage is TEAMWORK - you are not his maid. He has got to help out around the house, especially with a job that gives him the ability to do so. I would agree on a set of who's chores are what and get the kinks ironed out now before your new arrival.

As for being home with them, the volume just gets louder :)
I am home with 4 under the age of 5 and I also nanny 2 older kids. The 7 of us have a great time. Just remember you are the cruise director. Your passengers are only as happy as you set them up to be.

Have fun and get hubby on board now.

Re: the household chores and messes, yes, your hubby should be taking more responsibility for this but no, he will not do this automatically just because he should. Check out www.flylady.net -- it's a web site devoted to housekeeping, organization and also quite a bit of managing your own emotions and attitude about housework. Very, very helpful. If you can get your hubby on board with the daily "missions" and tasks that FlyLady sets out, then you'll both feel more peaceful and less overwhelmed about the housework. Meanwhile, if your husband still won't help with dinner, you should probably take over this task yourself -- but do it the night before or in the morning. If you don't own a slow cooker, go get one! Huge timesaver! You can toss some chicken or beef and veggies with some liquid (wine? broth? water?) into the slow cooker the night before, store it in the fridge, then in the morning set it on a timer so at least dinner will be ready when you get home even if your hubby refuses to deal with cooking. Tell him that if he can't or won't take over the dinner cooking,that YOU will (via the slowcooker), but that in turn that means you need to focus on that task the night before, so it's only fair that he tidy up the house or get the kids to bed while you're dealing with prepping the following night's dinner. Try working out an agreement with him about which of you is responsible for which chores. If there's a written list posted in the house or written on your calendars he's less likely to blow off his share of the work, and if he does it's easier for you to point it out to him: "Honey, I took care of dinner all week but you didn't do the laundry at all. Would you please go put a load in now so everyone has clean clothes tomorrow?" Also, re: the dinner prep, I am a big fan of bulk cooking. (When you have time, make double or triple of recipes you like, then freeze them in individual meal-size portions. Each day you thaw a meal and it's ready to eat that night.) An excellent bulk-cooking cookbook is "Don't Panic, Dinner's in the Freezer." If your library doesn't have it you can buy it inexpensively (used or new) through www.half.com. But definitely look at www.flylady.net. She is a lifesaver! Of course, another option with the housekeeping is to hire a cleaning service. If your husband objects to the expense, it's an opportunity for you to point out that if everyone in the family pitches in about keeping things clean, you won't have to spend the money. If nothing changes, get a cleaning woman to at least periodically clean up the big messes like mopping floors and scrubbing the bathrooms. Your hubby needs to understand that the housework is important for sanitary reasons as well as the overall appearance of the house. Good luck.

I have 3 children under the ages of 5.
A free website that will help you with your difficulties is flylady.net.
Believe in it and you'll be much happier.

Good luck