Advice About My Mother-in-law

I think you should tell your husband how you feel if you haven't already done so. He is the one that needs to approach his mother not you. Does he see how his mother treats his children? It's not healthy. I would also not allow my children to be around her. I think writing her a letter will only escalate whatever her unhealthy emotions are and would be futile. However, I also suggest that the next time you hear her say something negative or out of line to your son, then you need to call her out on it at that moment. Not necessarily in front of your son, but you need to say something to her at that time. Regardless, IMO, you need to talk to your husband, it's his mother. Her rebuke needs to come from him.

I'm so sorry to hear you are having this issue. From an outsider's perspective, it would be best if you and your husband could take a stance on how to deal with all of this together in a united way. If you confront her alone without his support it could be even worse, but at the same time you have to protect your children as the other ladies have said. Keep praying and talking to your husband about how to handle it together. You may also think about how you and your husband should talk to your children after an encounter with her. Since it sounds like your children are being affected, you may need to clarify with them how you feel about how she behaves and talk about how Mommy, Daddy and the kids should respond to her. I personally would ensure the children understand that you are not allowing anyone to bully them. All my heartfelt wishes for a better situation and God bless you!

D.,
You have to let her know! She has probably been this way all her life, but if someone had just spoke up and held her accountable than maybe she would be different.
The relationship between a grandparent and a grandchild is very important...the grandparent is meant to love, encourage and make that child feel very special. If she is not doing that then it could affect your child. God wants us to love our children and praise them in positive ways!
I think you and your husband need to come together on this and both of you need to sit down with her and talk. Maybe take her to dinner where you can talk but still not be loud or she will be more guarded on her responses. If you just send a letter and it is just from you she will make you out to be the bad person that hurt her. She will try to get sympathy from others and act like you are mean.
Encourage your husband to do this with you and hopefully grandma will see the whole picture.

God Bles,

T.

D.,
I think you should definitely write the letter. You don't have to give it to her, but writing out your feelings will be immensely therapeutic for you. You can decide afterwards if you wish to give it to her. I don't see how giving her the letter could make things any worse, do you? Good luck to you. I hope you find peace in the situation very soon.

An adult who takes a 5 year old's behavior personally has serious issues. She needs pyscological help in my opinion and I'd keep all visits to a minimum. I don't think you can change someone so I don't believe having a discussion will help...you are not dealing w/a healthy human being. To put her feelings on children is really sick. Seriously, I'd keep her away from your kids unless you are right there with them. As I read your question, that just stuck out over and over. Forget how she raised your husband, you can't change that now, but again, I'd just stay away. I deal w/'crazy' as little as possible. I don't mean to sound hateful or rude, but frankly, that is what you are dealing with. Keep praying...your husband and kids are lucky to have you!! I SO feel your pain!

Would you be willing to pray for her to have a healing heart? You did not mention a father-in-law. Is she divorced? Widowed? She sounds unhappy with herself and it shows in her relationships.

Problem for you is no matter what you do or say you cannot heal her heart unless she wants to and chooses to be a happy person.
We all get into our habits and she sounds like hers is one of guilt laying and criticism. Very hard to break that once you get in unless you are shown the error of your ways then WANT to change.

No letter. That would only add to the fire and it can be construed any way and her way would be one of hurt.

When you see her next, stop her when she criticizes. Can you restrain your tongue and discipline her only and not get carried away? Pray for purging so when you do see her your dam does not break and you say more than needed. This should help get her used to your rules of how the children should be treated - BOUNDARIES are good and consistency with those boundaries is even better.

If you can't go see her, don't. If she says you don't love her tell her she's wrong, she's loved no matter what happens in the world. She can come if she wants, it's her decision. Hers. Her burden. Not yours. You will come when you are able. And don't get your feelings hurt if she doesn't come.

Mother's put so much pressure on their sons to make up for their lack of male companionship and closeness. He is the child, still, and is faultless and no matter how hard you try, he was made to obey her but he must try and resist a little or she wouldn't use that guilt "You don't love me" ploy.

Patience and you are doing things right by praying. Ask the right question and He will tell you the right answer.

Love to you, C.

D.,
You are a good mom for protecting your babies. Forget the letter to her, she isn't going to change her ways by this point. Just keep you and your kids distant from her and when you are around her, defend the kids, gently. If she makes a remark to your son, in front of you, say something like, " Please don't talk to him like that." or " Please say postitive things to him, not negative." "I want to build him up, not tear him down."

My mom thought nothing of saying the word, "Shit" in front of my kids, and every time she did, I would say, "Please don't cuss in front of my kids." Over and over and now she doesn't do it anymore. It is disgusting to me.

Oh, and my mom tries to manipulate my kids by saying to them, "You don't love me..." I respond, "Yes, they do. Drop it." And then, when we get into the car, I always tell my kids what she is doing. "Manipulation. That's her way of trying to get what she wants. She did it to me all my life." She also doesn't put forth the effort to know them or spend time with them. Babysitting is a burden to her.

Good luck with this.
Lindsey

I feel your pain. My MIL and her daughter (my husband's half sister) are the most toxic people I have ever met. They have tried to break my marriage up since we met. And finally my husband said enough. In the nine years we have been together we have visited them twice and one of those times was just my daughter and I. And they live only about an hour and a half away. They do not come visit us and they come to Lubbock for doctor's visits all the time. They have petted my stepson to death but my daughter and son with my husband they barely acknowledge. Like my husband said "They are just two old women to them, and if that is the way they want it our kids don't need them in their lives", he is heartbroken about it but I have had enough. I thought about writing a letter but the way they are they would twist everything in it, so I have just left it alone. Last year when my Dad passed away they came and started up about how much they loved my Dad, they didn't even know him and he did not like them. It's funny, I am my Dad made over and they can't stand me. I have bent over backward time and time again but enough is enough, if they want to see my husband that's fine but I will not subject my kids to there trashing of me every chance they get. I have prayed and prayed over this and this is the best I can come up with. I will never take my kids to visit and I try to be gone if they come, but in reality, they have no desire to see us or be around us. It's sad, his mom probably would not be like this but his sister is the instigator of it. They talk about the bible and what they supposedly learned in church, but it applies to everyone else, not them. I would just keep as far away as I could from her and not visit her at all. Keep her in your prayers but it is sad to say, unless she finally sees how she is, it will not change, but you can protect your children from her by staying away. I wrote a letter like that to a cousin a few years ago and it blew up in my face, so I really don't recommend it except for a good therapy session. I don't know if this helps you but I wish you the best! Good luck and God Bless You!!
L.

I have been there with my mother in law and I know how you feel. How can an adult be like this with a child. I can only tell you how I handled my problem and hope you can use something out of it. I tried makeing little commites such as they are children try to understand the are still learning. They have feelings to and so forth. When this didn`t work I woulden say much just take the child out of the situation. Finally I did write a letter,if nothing else it helped me to get it off my chest. It took me a long time to write because I wanted to really say how I felt. Then I had a time mailing it cause I didn`t know if I was doing the right thing. I just asked God to gide me. I did not hear from her along time after the letter.my husband did.Then one day we just talked about things but she never said anythig about the letter and she still was the same with the children but not as bad.It does get better,At least I pray for your family.Take care,D.

D.,
My husband & I are actually estranged from his mother. They had a huge blow up because she would only want to spend time with our daughter on her terms (i.e. spending the night at her place)She at the time was just remarried to a man she had only known 6 months (after my husband's father had passed away) & we were not comfortable w/our daughter being over there with him yet - she couldnt u/s this & it caused a huge fight between her & my husband....
My advice to you would be not to write a letter - but talk to your husband about it first & get his feelings on the matter & then maybe you both sit down with her to have a talk about your concerns. Things can hopefully work out for the best if she is willing to listen to your concerns.

I see you already have many responses, and I may be repeating some of what has been said. I don't have much time, so will sum it up in a nutshell, as much as I can. My MIL has never treated me with much respect, as I'll call genuine respect. This started on the 2nd day I was ever with her (she's in Kansas, we're in Texas). She verbally attacked me on day #2 of having gone to visit her and meet her for the first time. My husband has defended me from the start, and is has even moreso began to see the light this past year. We have been married almost 6 years, and dated 10 mths prior to marriage. We have seen a counselor this past year, and I DID write my MIL a letter after our "vacation" last summer to see her in Kansas, with other family. As I was defending her rights, and trying to support her, she got angry with me, jumped off of the couch, and walked out of her daughter's house, and we didn't see her for the rest of the vacation (this was like day #3 after having gotten there). I wrote her a letter at the end of August, and talked it over with our counselor prior to sending it. A lot of it was "how you make me feel," "I feel like this when..." She didn't take it well, after having received it, and hasn't spoken to me for 6 months. However, I FELT GREAT after having unloaded my feelings on paper, and sent it to her for her to try to see what we as a family, experience every visit. Tomorrow we are leaving for Kansas to try go through some of this, and try to resolve some things, and will be seeing a counselor at her church this week, for several hours through the week.

This said, if you feel you need to write her a letter, I would do it. Make sure you have the support of your husband, and that he understands where you are coming from, and why you feel the way you do. With my situation, these conflicts had been occurring LONG before I ever came into the picture, but I'm not one who wants to deal with this for the rest of our lives/marriage, and have my 3 year old grow up dealing with it as well.

I wish the best for your situation, as I know what you are experiencing quite well.

I know it is a tough situation to deal with...I think you should just accept that she is this way, and limit the amount of time you let your kids spend around her. Your job as mom is to protect your kids. Unfortunetly you cannot change your m.i.l...believe me, we have ALL tried! Continue to pray that God will soften her heart, and treat her with kindness and gentlness.

I'm so sorry this situation is bad. Sometimes people are toxic and need to be avoided. If your husband is not one to try to spend time with her, then don't. Be polite when you have to be around her (family events, etc), but otherwise, don't seek her out, invite her, etc. You don't have to forbid her to visit, but don't go out of your way to spend time with her. She isn't going to change unless something MAJOR happens. If she actually notices anything, you can tell her the truth - that it seems like she doesn't enjoy spending time with you and your family. It's alright to avoid these people. I have the opposite - my MIL is fine, but I would not leave my son with my own mother because I don't trust her at all. I have even not visited her when I was in town because I didn't want to deal with the stress. I am polite, but that's it.

Your husband and your boys are your first priority. If she wants things to change, she has to change them. Respect goes both ways, and it needs to come from her.

First, talk to your husband. If you have not already.
You both need to voice how it makes the other feel, and
the children.
Second, you either write her a letter *make a copy for
yourself* *she can not read, it toss it and turn things
differently if you have a copy*. Or call her and talk to her.Difference...in writing, it is all laid out, no inter-
ruptionss no arguing no mind games. *she will us them by
the sounds of it*.
Your childrens health *emotional, intellectual* are your
priority. If she can not come see you, you don't have to
visit her. If she chooses to not deviate her way of treating
her son or grandchildren, then she does not really want
to see them. You don't need your children growing up to think that is normal. Tell her this in the letter. You
find it hard to care for her when she does not care for
her son or grandchildren, Be very forward in you letter.

And to your husband. It does not matterhe is used to it and
can ignore it. At some point it hurt him.

I would probably write her a letter, that way she will realize there is a problem and can stew over it for a while. If she is open to change and realizes that there is a problem then she might try and make some changes - she most likely will not. I would for sure let her know that YOU are your childrens Mother and you will be the one to dicipline them, let her know that she is the Grandmother and is there to love them. It might take space and distance to make you fell better. My husband has childhoos issues with his parents, he has never told them and just does not make an effort to be around them - I am the one that does the calling and inviting for 30 years. It does not bother him to not see them. Do pray, and God will guide you in the right direction for you. Good Luck, I'm sorry your family is going thru this, I know it is hurtful.

D., you cannot do anything to change how your husband what raised or what he accepts as normal behavior from his mother. But you must not, under any circumstances, allow this woman to mistreat your children. If you sit back and watch as you treats your children the same way she treated your husband, and do nothing, you are just as guilty as she is. You MUST protect your kids at all cost. As far as writing her a letter, I say save the paper. Tell her face to face. If she does not want to see her grandkids, then make it easy on her, don't let her see them. You need to control this situation, not let it control you.

I'm sorry this is going on for you, and I understand. Just distance yourself from her. When my MIL did something I didn't like, I just told my son to ignore her. And yes, I said it in front of her. lol

You could talk to her & tell her how you feel, but chances are she won't listen. I was in that situation, and my MIL still doesn't see what she does wrong. My hubby never really supported me either. We are now relocating, and he's having to "live" with her 3 days a week while he's working in our new city. After 10 years of us being together, he is finally seeing what I have said about his mom. And even now he's not wanting to be around her very much.

Be patient...It'll eventually happen to you. Instead of fighting with your hubby about it, just stop spending time with her as much as you can. Stop trying to involve her because it's only causing you & your family stress. She's not worth it. Your family is your most important thing.

Good luck!

1st Get rid of the idealized wish that all grammas love their grandkids automatically. This one has problems only a registered psychiatrist can handle. I had problems with my mom-in-law. NOTHING I SAID OR DID CHANGED THAT. AND I JUMPED THROUGH ALL KINDS OF HOOPS.
2nd This woman can only do damage to your kids. Your fist obligation is to them. Let her stew and steam all she wants. You, mom, protect your kids. Let Dad/son go see his mom all he wants, but you and thew kids don't have to go where you and they may not be treated right.
I am a Christian and I preach love to my 5 kids. And I also preach reality. Reality says you cannot change someone who doesn't want to be changed. A letter probably won't get through. It is my feeling that it would be a waste of good paper and ink.

My prayers are with you and your family.

Our mother in laws must be sisters. My husband was raised by his father and step mother and I guess she just never really figured out how to be a mom. My mother in law is just the worst I think, she lives about 5 minutes from us and never comes to see the kids unless she needs money or it's a holiday, I have to make my husband call her and invite her or his just won't (I was trying to be nice). Personally I just let it go because I don't think she is worth my time or energy to get all upset about something she has or has not done. Last Sunday she wiped her wet hands on me and when I asked her why she did it she said, "Maybe you will learn to hang a dish towel from now on." It took everything I had not to just start screaming, needless to say I won't make my husband invite her over anymore. My advise is just to let it go, if she wants to see her grandkids she will come around if not oh well in my eyes (and with my mother in law) it may be better for them for her not to come around. Best of Luck to you!!

R.

If you want to write a letter, then write a letter. I would not give it to her. Write it just to vent.

I would definitely have a talk with her. Your approach is KEY. You need to put it to her that what is happening is hurting your sons feelings and that you are concerned about his emotional well-being. Tell her that you are wanting a more positive environment for your son, to help build his self-esteem. She doesn't realize what she is doing or that it is a terrible thing to do. Maybe one of her parents were the same way and she thinks that is normal.

Once you have your chat with her, see how it goes. After a period, you have to decide how much time she gets to spend with your son. And, I know it will be hard but it's YOUR son.

It's almost like I was meant to read this. I am going through pretty much the EXACT same thing right now. Except my son is only 20 months. I actually sent her a lengthy email yesterday telling her exactly how I feel and letting her know that she has hurt my feelings and dissapointed me. I haven't heard from her yet, but I guess we will see if that was a good idea or not. I really hope that things get worked out for you, I know that I probably didn't give too much advice here but I think that letting her know how you feel is a great idea. Good luck!!

My advise for you is to say something to her just as soon as she says something to your kids. Don't let it ride because your kids may think that you don't care enough about them to take up for them. Use as sharp a tongue as she does. I have learned over the years you are only hurting youself is you hold in your actual feelings. Love your children and let them know it. My MIL and I have a great relationship now that she knows her boundaries with me.
Good Luck.

D.,

The advice you got from Aleta is terrific and exactly what a counselor told my daughter. You must set boundaries but do it in a non-confrontational way. The problem with writing a letter that doesn't sound like a "soap commercial" (to quote Aleta) is that the words are there to read and stir up your mother-in-law and anyone else she shows it to for however long she keeps it around. If you and your husband want the benefit of a professional therapist in dealing with this I highly recommend you give Mark Felber a call. He is the best! His number is ###-###-#### or check out his website at www.marriagecpr.com. You're in a tough situation and I wish you the best!

D.,
I just want to let you know how I've learned to make things work with my mother in law of 12 years. Communication is everything, even if you have to write her a letter just do it, when everything is out in the open everyone feels better (maybe not right off but soon enough) I used to get really upset with her and do things like ignore her or talk short & choppy with her & she never knew what the problem was. But then I started letting her know and she'd say why didn't you just tell me that in the first place, ya know like she would've fixed it sooner if I'd told her. Now we are really good friends and we do alot together, I just have to be open when she upsets me. Even if what I say upsets her at the time she still tries to do what I want & what I think is best for MY children. So truly talk with her about your feelings and get it out in the open so you both can have a better relationship! God bless I will be praying for you! Have a blessed day!

The greatest danger in your situation is that your kids will watch you MIL dish out her poison while dad doesn't defend himself, and that they will learn to accept this as normal behavior. They will either grow up allowing themselves to be treated this way, or they will become the person who spews the venom. Your MIL has obviously gotten away with this behavior for years with no one calling her on it. She is probably the kind of person who hears a sermon and thinks about how others should use it to fix themselves, but never thinks of how she should apply the lessons to herself. In her own mind she is perfect. Everyone around her is stupid. So if you really want to take action, you're going to have to figure out how to confront her. And BTW it is only a matter of time before she sinks her claws into you. This will all be very painful as it was for me. When my MIL and I finally had our big blow-up, I was stunned that my husband followed up with a phone call to her and told her to 'have a nice life'. Maybe your husband has this in him too. She didn't see our kids for eight years. Now the husband and kids visit occasionally and they email. I don't regret getting her out of our lives. She is a sick, sad woman, and my kids and family are healthier in her absence. Best of luck.

D.,
I feel so bad for you! I hope you can figure out how to change the situation.

Definitely do what some of the others have said: write a letter to relieve your heart. Don't send this first letter to her. Rework it until it is gentle and encouraging, but clearly states the way you want your family to be treated and what the consequences will be if she can't change her way of relating to the kids. She probably doesn't realize or understand how hurtful her words are. She may not be able to change, but bringing her behavior and the need for change to her attention is important.

I've been reading "Boundaries" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend and I have found it very helpful. It might be helpful to you also.

Bless you!
A.

I just reread some of the posts and had to add a little comment. It's hilarious! Some mamas say definitely write a letter and some say definitely don't write a letter!

Here's the deal: writing is cathartic and helps you discover things. Write a letter to her - like Catherine W says - 1st draft, 2nd draft, etc. don't send it until it reads like a commercial for soap! Loving and gentle and caring. Or don't send it at all! Use it to discover what behaviors you don't like, and express why, then how you want things to change, and when (now) and then tell her what the consequences will be if change doesn't take place. Use the letter-writing experience to help you organize your thoughts, ideas and beliefs and to rid yourself of the intensity of your emotions. You don't need to blow up at her in order to communicate.
You can communicate with her via the letter or with a very serious sit-down talk, a screaming fit (ouch) or a series of small verbal feedback sessions as suggested by several others (please don't talk to my kids that way. They are your grandchildren and will learn to love you as you treat them lovingly) or whatever you want to say.

Discover what your boundaries/limits are and tell them to her however you want! But you do need to set some boundaries. :) God bless you!

A.

First of all Remember it is your Husband's family. After speaking to him, if he doesn't object-face to face with her. Tell her like it is. One of 2 things will happen. She will stop coming around at all or she will not realize how she behaved and she will try harder. Good Luck and God bless.

No, you should not just forget it. You need to tell her what you see and how you feel. What's the worst thing that can happen? (She may not visit as much, but you'll put her on notice as to how you feel.) You don't need someone who's toxic around your husband or your kids as all it does is lower their self-esteem and hurt you. Protect your family. You must set boundaries with her for her behavior around your family. I think writing a letter is a good idea; always try to use "I" statements as much as possible. In other words, how her behavior makes you feel. "It hurts my heart when you berate my husband...children...etc." "I feel______when you __________." Give her examples of her actions. Have you talked to your husband about this? He's probably in denial. After you've written the letter, you need to call her on her behavior when she does it in your presence; point it out to her and to your husband. She probably doesn't realize she's doing it so you have to be hypervigilant about speaking up when you see it.

It's not healthy to let these things keep happening and you all keep putting up with it. Again what's the worst that can happen? She may be upset with you and not come around as much, but where's the problem in that? If she doesn't change her behavior, you don't want her to be around.

Do pray for her that she will see herself as God sees her.

God bless,
S. P.

I have not read the replies...but let me just say that I've dealt with this with my OWN mother.

When my daughter was little she became a screamer. Most of it was because she saw me and her father scream at each other...but I digress...I was forced to move away from the only home she knew to my mother's one bedroom apartment. One day after moving out, I asked her why she never wanted to see the kids...her response...there's a certain female member of your family that I simply do not want to be around...then motioned her eyes toward my daughter. (because she would scream allot)

Yeah...nice huh. I realized then it was how she treated me my whole life. I was responsible for cooking, cleaning and taking care of my sister. And she no more wanted to be anyone's grandmother than she wanted to be my mother when I was growing up.

I had to tell her. Mom, you're too negative. I can't have you around my son and not around my daughter. And you aren't their grandmother when it's convenient for you...it's a 24/7 kinda thing and if you don't want to be a part of their lives, that's ok with me...but you won't treat them badly.

She moved away less than 6 months later.

She is regretting her decision to alienate not only my children but my sisters as well. But I have no regrets. It is after all my RIGHT as my kids mother to protect them from people who wish to do them harm.

It is your job as well.

Talk to your mother in law. Not in a letter but to her face so that she knows you are not trying to be disrespectful but trying to get her to understand the damage she's doing.

HOWEVER...it truly IS your husbands responsibility to keep his mother in check...but if he won't...you have to. PERIOD.

I pray that my mother will understand the damage she's done. I know that old habits die hard. I know that I do not want my kids to live with the legacy that I had to.

Good luck to you. Sending good thoughts your way.

Definitely write her a letter. I have problems with my own family and in-laws on certain issues. I've even seen a therapist about it also. My therapist recommended to me to write a letter (less confrontational) when there is a major conflict. My therapist told me some guidelines and I'll pass them on to you:

1.) First draft of letter-write exactly how you feel, get mad and angry, if you need to use bad lanaguage to make you feel better do it. This letter you will not send to the person you are having conflict with. Write was is bothering you and what you would like to see changed and how it makes you feel. Read this letter over and then move on to your second draft of the letter. Feel free to rip up this letter after you've written it.
2.) Second draft- Write a second letter and now tone it down, no bad language, keep rereading your letter. Same rules as the first letter, you will not send it to the person you have a conflict with. write what is bothering you, how you feel, what you want to come out of all this. Cut out things that are disrespectful, mean, hateful, cruel,etc... Read this letter over and after you are done with it, you can throw it away.
3.) Third version- now keep toning it down, keep rereading your letter. You write another letter and read it carefully to make sure it is simple and to the point, the shorter the better. It needs to be respectful, easy to read and something that you wouldn't mind receiving in the mail from a friend/family member if there is a conflict.

4.) You keep doing this over and over, it may take 5 versions of your letter or it may take 7 versions. You may even want your spouse or a friend to read your letter. When you feel comfortable with the final version of your letter, then you can finally send it off to your Mom or who you are having a conflict with.

A letter is much more neutral territory and a smarter way to deal with your anger and frustration with the situation. I've used letters with my Mother-In-Law and my own Mother and I feel so much better afterwards and proud of myself for standing up for myself. Yes, others are right that the person may not change, but things may improve. You never know, why not give her that chance to change or improve? Yes, most older people are set in their ways and don't like much change. At least she will know how you feel about it and that her behavior is disruptive and disrespectful to others.

I'm a Christian also, and I pray about my family also. There are people in this world that we will disagree with and never see eye to eye with them. She may be set in her own ways.

My Mom is obsessive-compulsive and is fixated on how clean our house is when she visits. She lives in another state and only comes 1-2 times a year! I'll admit, we aren't the cleanest house around and I'm the world's worst organizer too! When she visits, she cleans and organizes majority of the time she is visiting us. I've tried getting her out of the house to go to do fun things and it is hard, she doesn't always want a go. I wrote a letter to her about how I was frustrated and upset with how she was dealing with things. I told my counselor and she said my Mom has boundary issues. She recommended me writing the letter and I'm glad I did. It did get my Mom talking to me about it. She verbally talked to me about it and said she thinks our house being messy and dirty is why I am sick a lot. I disagree with her. I just listened to her and bit my tongue and didn't say a word. I did put in my letter that we would have to shorten her visits next time she comes to visit or if she wants to stay longer she can stay in a hotel. I verbally told her on the phone that I didn't want her to clean and organize my closet and things before she was coming down for a visit. She agreed verbally on the phone, however broke her agreement by going back to her old ways. If things don't improve after you write the letter, shorten your trips/visit with her. If family isn't going to be supportive, positive and a healthy environment for you and your family then, take action and spend less time with them. She'll hopefully improve if she wants to spend more time with her grandchildren.

Don't forget it, cause it won't go away or maybe she doesn't realize that she is hurting your feelings. It may be that was the way her Mom talked to her or her Dad talked to her and that may be all she knows what to do. Maybe she will agree to go to counseling or watch what she says and to be more positive and less critical.

I'll keep you in my prayers and I hope it all works out. I dealt with a lot of criticism from my parents. I know what that feels like, it is hard. I had some self-esteem issues, does your husband have any self-esteem issues as a result?
You all may want to go to counseling just to talk about it either as a couple or alone. I have benefited greatly from counseling.
Take care and God Bless.

Dear D.: You have to set boundaries with your mother-in-law or she will continue this behavior. Very nicely, tell her that if she insists on running down her son in your presence, you will have to remove your family from her presence. Simple as that. When you do it once, maybe even twice, she will change, hopefully. If she does not, don't be around her. Stop it or it will just continue. You have a right to not hear and see the negativity and so does your child have that right, and of course, you husband should have stopped it a long time ago. Perhaps it is up to you to change it now. Boundaries are good in relationships, because if there is no respect, there will never be love. J

No definitly dont forget about it.If you hold it in it will eventually come out but not in a calm matter.You should talk to your husband first since it is his mother and just tell himhow much it bothers you if he doesnt do anything about it then just tell her how you feel.Those are your kids and you have to protect them from any kind of harm even emotional.I do understand in a way because I had to confront my own mother because she was very mentally abusinve to me and I never noticed until it was my turn to be a mom and realized the horrible things she did to me.I just got my nerve up one day and confronted her and told her the things she did to me were wrong and that she would not be allowed to do that to my son.She acually admitted what she did was wrong and apoligized.She also said that she would never do it to my son.I always tell myself that if she does I will put a stop to it.You have to stand up for your kids.Good luck i know it is a very tough decision especailly since it is your husbands mom.

Hi D.:

I think it might do both you and your mother-in-law some good for you to write that letter. You, because you can really take your time writing it and editing it. For her, because maybe she doesn't realize that she is so harsh and she needs someone to point it out to her.

The fact that she says that the children don't like her may mean that she has low self-esteem and may know that she is doing it and that she regrets doing it but can't break the cycle.

What could it hurt? Like you said, you are the one always making the effort to get together and she makes excuses for why she can't come.

Like you said, you will not let anyone treat your children this way. Why should it be any different coming from someone who is supposed to love them?

You sound like a very loving a caring person. Maybe she feels intimidated by you because she knows you are a better person.

I hope some of this helps, I'm sorry if I rambled.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Okay, I'm sorry that I have to add something about a couple of your responses. Some of these women are being extremely negative and telling you not to even give it a chance. It blows my mind. You can't give up without even trying! If grandma doesn't respond in kind, you can walk away saying that you truly tried.

If you write a letter, do not send it. Use it only to guide you into how to speak with her. Something in print could come back to haunt you! Remember the saying: Hurting people, hurt people. Ask her "why did you say that?" And when you pray for her, ask God to make her a Godly woman, give her (then name all the things she does not have - peace, gentleness, etc...) Blessings:

That sounds like my MIL and grandmother. Do what your heart is telling you to do. It can't be any worse than not doing anything at all. I didn't write a letter to my MIL, I took her to a lunch just she and I. And talked to her about it. We went to a very public place to limit emotional outbursts. It went very well for us.
I pray that God gives you the strenght, courage, and patients to over come this difficult point in your life. He will see you through this.

You should not write a letter. She has been that way for too long and she is not going to change now. I think the letter would only cause more tension, even if you write it very nicely, she will be insulted and it will only complicate things more. My suggestion is that if she is the way that you described, she is a damaging personality and you cannot allow her to damage your children's hearts or their self esteem. I reccommend that you stop making the effort to be around her. Do not ever be mean or act like you don't want to be around her, but just stop inviting her. When she invites you, graciously accept and go, but not too often because you should not expose your kids to that too frequently. She may mellow with age and all you can do is hope and pray for that. I say, don't seek her out, but don't hide either. Since your husband does not notice the behavior of his mother, if you do decide to discuss it with him or bring it to his attention do so mostly in the context of "honey, I have notice that your mother does not treat you very well and it upsets me to see someone treat you that way, you desserve better", then you can say, "I have notice she also treats our son and children the same way, it is very hurtful". Be careful not to cause any hard feelings for him. I would just try to let it go. Focus on the good people in your life! Especially your children and husband. Let your mother in law come and go, but don't involve her anymore than you have to.

When the parent, or in this case, grandparent, holds the child responsible for the quality of the relationship, there is something WRONG. I would not write a letter. I would ask you husband to speak with his mother and let her know that he loves her and that he wants his family to have a good relationship with her, but that will require that she be loving toward your children. Period. If she can do it, great. If she can't, avoid spending time with her.

I would suggest you talk to her. But I would never suggest you write a letter. As a rule, only write down (e-mail or traditional) things you want people to remember forever. Once you write it down, she'll have access to it for eternity. Whether you mend your relationship or not. And often when you write, your intended tone is not at all the tone the reader interprets. SO much can get lost in translation. There is just no way to sugar coat an "I love you, BUT..." letter.
For the writer, it does give you an outlet to say things that you wouldn't have the courage to say face-to-face. However...if you dont have the courage to say it face-to-face, or even over the phone, then it probably shouldn't be said.
Hopefully others will have good advice on WHAT to say. My advice is to avoid a "paper trail" at all costs! That letter will come back to bite you!

My suggestion is to talk to her in person with your husband IF he will support you, if not, you have to talk to her on your own. Yes, it will probably be painful, and it may be tense for a little while between you two if she chooses to react immaturely, but with a letter, the ball is then in her court. You have to make sure she read it, and then a face to face is probably inevitable anyway. You are right for protecting your kids. It may mean pulling away from Grandma instead of pulling closer to her. Make your visits short and sweet. And stick to your guns, keep the lines of communication open between you and your son.

I would definitely not send her a letter - people like that will twist your words against you and it will give her ammo to say that you are poisoning your children against her. ( Experience talking, here) I would reccommend calling her and just talking with her - leave out how she treats her son - he's grown up and can handle his own issues on his own - and she will take it as an attack. Suggest that she spend more time with the children, if she would like to have a stronger bond with them, and let her know that whatever she puts into the relationship will affect how the children feel about her and how they behave towards her. She is in control - a child that feels loved will normally return that love. Perhaps she is wanting them to be more affectionate - kisses and hugs and such... not really sure. Just keep praying and know that you can not please everyone - she may be someone that just wants to complain for the sake of complaining.

type a letter and keep a copy for yourself expressing your concerns with the mother-in-law. then do not even communicate with the lady till she extends the olive branch. do you really need someone like that in your children's life? no. good luck.