Advice About Grandparents

As people age, they lose their filter. Like children, they just say what they're thinking, even if its inappropriate. I'd just chalk it up to this and explain it to yge kids. You're 10 yr old should be able to understand.

Well she can get her own stuff and she sounds old school and it's a sign of respect to say ma'am and sir

Has she ALWAYS talked like this to your kids? Are you SURE that this is normal for her? I hate to think this, but it sounds like the beginning of Alzheimers. (Yes, I've seen this kind of behavior with the beginning of this hideous disease.)

I would NOT let the kids go over there unsupervised. Popping a child in the mouth or even threatening to for not saying "ma'am" is not something you should allow. At all. I don't really understand what happened with the crochet needle - what you said didn't actually make sense to me, but it seems to be part and parcel of the other issue. And if she has not treated the kids this way before, I really think something is wrong with her.
Part of the Alzheimers is that she would not think anything of what she had done and wouldn't even know that she didn't act this way before.

I do think that you need to call her doctor and tell him or her that her personality is changing and give the example. The doctor won't be able to talk to you about her without her permission, but can sure listen to what you have to say and note it in her chart for when she comes in.

So sorry..........

A relationship with a grandparent can be a wonderful thing. Unfortunately, my grandparents were a bit like the grandma in your post. I hated being around them and was GLAD when my mom finally stood up for me and my sister. They felt that their age earned them the right to say and act however they wanted, but that backfired on them! Many people value their "rights" more than they value people. Isn't that sad?

I felt a certain loyalty toward my mean grandparents, even though they were continually hurtful, but didn't know how to stand up for myself. I am grateful to my mom for keeping us away.

My paternal grandpa was a different story. Oh, how we adored that man! He was such a great example of a stellar grandparent. He was SO kind, and even when he got after us for being naughty, he never threatened violence.

Sounds a lot like my own grandma. She was coarse and used foul language and sometimes threatened to "give us something to cry about" but she never did.
She was actually nicer to me than many other people in the family.
I loved her, warts and all.
Unless your kids are being abused or put in danger I really don't see what the big deal is. Is this worth losing a relationship over? Nobody's perfect.
ETA: oh, and she was a chain smoker too!

I've told my own kids that I would give them "a pop in the mouth", "a poke in the nose", or a "kick in the pants" for certain behaviours. I have never actually done any of these things, nor do I think my kids are actually afraid that I will. But they seem to understand that if I say these things that they had better smarten up, and the behaviour improves. I would tell your daughter that grandma won't pop her in the mouth as long as she remembers to use ma'am. She will likely remember. As long as there is no actual "popping in the mouth" going on I would not worry about it.

If your daughter is 10 I am sure she understands "Life's a b****".

I grew up in the deep South and manners really matter to me. I DO teach my children to use ma'am and sir. However, I would not tolerate anyone threatening my child. I would not send them over there without a parent. I disagree with another poster and think that you SHOULD call Grandma out for her bad behavior as soon as it occurs.

I don't think that you cut Grandma out entirely, but you do need to let her know what your expectations are...You need to tell her that you love her and you love that she wants to spend time with the kids, but you simply are NOT going to tolerate this type of behavior towards your kids. She may think that she did nothing wrong, but this is obviously opposite to how you choose to raise your kids.

It boggles my mind that people seem to tolerate behavior from family that they would never tolerate from anyone else...as if the actions are somehow not as bad because it is family...

I read the previous answers and think that Leigh, Geneva, and Doris Day all had very valid points to make. I know from my sister that my own grandmother's language began to change radically after she'd had a stroke. Before then, the harshest word I'd heard out of her was 'darn', but post stroke, she told my sister to 'stop being a B****' at one point. Really out of left field for her. So, it is wise to wonder if this might be health/aging related...

I think that if I were in the same situation, I'd go the route Suz T suggested; make clear at home to your kids what is good conduct and what isn't, model it yourself, and stay present when visiting. Personally, and I know it really varies family by family, but if someone threatened to pop my son one in the mouth, yes, that would have raised eyebrows. It's simply NOT how one conducts themselves in our circle. (I was raised getting popped in the face and still have the wisdom to know how much that can damage the trust in a relationship). I myself had a very grumpy grandparent who was very difficult to be around, who would bark at us. There wasn't much love there as I grew older, we just feared him and stayed away from him. It was very sad. I hope you and your husband can figure out a way to keep visits to Grandma's 'grounded'.... feeling manageable for everyone. I'm so glad that my own father is able to be firm with my son without threatening to hit him.

You have to decipher whether this is just her voicing her concern or if she will actually do it.

My mother used to tell me she was going to wring my neck. Thankfully she never really did it.

Well, it depends on how things are said. My mom says inappropriate things sometimes to the kids, but it's all done with humor. My very uptight sister has a fit if my mom slips a cuss word into conversation in front of them (although she herself swears like a sailor), but it's never done in anger. I can easily see my mom threatening to "pop them in the mouth" but never seriously. I think it's naive to think 10 year old kids never hear these words and expressions outside of the home. These can be teachable moments. But if it's in anger, I'd limit unsupervised contact.

It's a generational thing. MY gramma grew up in The Depression when children were seen and not heard. They were also beaten if they didn't use their manners. Some of that she passed on to me. Not as heavy handed as SHE grew up with, but it was still there.

I would talk to gramma and see what's going on before you make a final decision.

If this sort of language and behavior is new, y'all need to pay attention. Sudden personality changes and a loss of social niceties can be an early sign of the onset of dementia or Alzheimer's. Look for other changes - blaming others for forgotten things, confusion about names/dates/schedules, a sudden change in how much she goes out or the amount of social contact (which can indicate that she is trying to cover up changes because she does recognize what's going on and is afraid of what it could mean). Sometimes folks facing the beginning of such troubles are prickly because they don't want others to examine them too closely. They are frightened. If the indicators are there, whichever of you (you or her spouse) is her child needs to step up and go with her to her next doctor's appointment. It would also be time to involve other family members.

i wouldn't over-dramatize the comment, nor yank her up over it in front of my daughter. i would probably ask quietly and privately that she be a bit more careful about her language around the kids, and reiterate to my own kids that grandma's language is not appropriate for them to use.
threatening to hit them in the face is a different matter. that's reason enough to disallow unsupervised visits in my book. if this is an unusual behavior, and/or a sudden change in grandma, there's probably a medical reason underlying it that should be addressed.
you don't describe the 'blowup', so it's hard to respond to that particular situation without knowing what happened.
khairete
S.

Several things come to mind.

If that word is the worst thing she's ever said in front of your 10 year old then that's really not a big deal. You do realize your child hears that word and a lot worse at school every day or even on TV right???? That word isn't the worst one out there, it's even allowed on TV.

I'd expect my child to get anything under the couch grandma asked her to get. Grandma really should not have to get down and reach under there.

As for being upset for not being called ma'am. Is this a normal thing? Does she expect the kids to say Ma'am to her all the time in their normal interactions? If so then your kiddo messed up, if not then what was the situation? If they were getting into trouble kids often say yes ma'am or no ma'am when they're asked if they understand.

If this behavior is new then it's something to be concerned about. If the kids want to go over there's no reason to not let them go.

I realize you don't want bad language used around the kids so they don't get the idea that it's normal or acceptable to use the same words but they do get exposed to that in many different aspects of their lives. So I don't think that particular word in that phrase is a horrible thing. I've said it and the grand kids have heard me say to. No big deal to me.

Kiddo should have gotten her own crochet hook and anything else that fell out of reach for a beloved grand parent.

Has she actually "popped them in the mouth"? If not then just let Grandma know that she is not allowed to threaten the kids with physical punishment, and let her know what forms of punishment she is allowed to use with the children. As for making the child get her own needle, how is that mistreatment? She said a bad word, big deal. I am sure at 10 your daughter has heard much worse then the B word, and it is not like grandma called your daughter that word, she said life is that word, and that is a well known saying I am sure your child has heard many times before. Unless there is way more going on here then you are sharing I think you are way way over reacting and you are hurting both Grandma and your kids by denying them visits.

Leave G. be. Not everyone that our children encounter is going to be calm, sweet talking, nor give them a sense of entitlement.

I'm surprised that you child 'tattles' on G..

C.,

Welcome to mamapedia!!!

Is this YOUR mother or your husband's mother? Either way? She might be getting "crotchety" or beginning to get Alzheimers.

I don't understand what happened...your daughter dropped a crochet needle and it rolled under your grandmother's couch or chair? Grandma refused to get up or move so your daughter could get her needle? And instead told her life is a bit*h? Well, at 10 - unless your kids have been home schooled all their life, never watched TV or socialized with anyone - I am SURE they have heard worse.

Has she threatened them with a pop in the mouth in the past or is this something new? I know a lot of elderly people who do expect kids to say "yes, Ma'am" and "No, Ma'am" - it's how they were raised. And in their eyes, our generation has become quite rude, self-centered, entitled and worse? LAZY...so she might have been frustrated...what happened up to this point? Was there more to the story? There might have been.

What concerns did you voice? The life is a bit*h? or the threat of violence? Did you ask what role your children played in this prior to the incident or is it squarely on her shoulders? You know it takes two to tango...

If this is something new for grandma's behavior, I would supervise when your kids are there. If this is how grandma always was, I would let the kids take the lead as to whether or not they want to stay over. There are loads of personality types in this world and they are going to have to learn how to deal when they encounter the gruff ones like grammy.

If you really think she will actually hit the kids it would be a NO go for me!

I would chalk it up to her personality but maybe tell her you are trying to make sure the kids don't swear. Is this your MIL? Then DH should resolve it but please don't keep the kids away over this.