Advice About "Girlfriends"

Hi M.,
I am a mother of 2 (28 and 31 yrs) with 5 grandchildren. I let my children have boyfriends or girlfriends, but it was always supervised going places and never allowed in their bedrooms without the doors always open and they had better be doing homework, playing boardgames, listening to music. I had the talk with my children early and explained the consequences of not being responsible for their actions. Putting trust in my children and they me made it easier to deal with issues. My children made the right choices, and when they became adults thats when life gets harder. It worked for me, no promises, but set rules, trust and honesty worked for us.

I'm a little concerned about how he hasn't kissed her because you told him not to... Chances are that's going to happen... and then he's going to feel like he lied... and will continue to NEED to lie... one leading to another.

Also, you make think it's a just a freindship... but for him and her it's more than that... They aren't looking to get married... but there generally is some sort of exclusiveness to their friendship...

Mostly, it's important to keep the communications open. They are both hitting puberty... hormones can rage... and without solid information stupid choices are easily made.You can't really tell them which choices to make... you have to educate them as to why your desired choice is the best one...

Also, I have to say to moms of girls... my mother always had a VERY open forum for communications... We were allowed to have boyfriends whenever they emerged... we were "coached" on the lines that boys offer... and were taught all about self respect.

I met and started dating my husband at age 15... we didn't get married until we were 25... I made him wait for sex for a REALLY LONG TIME... a few things: his mother always treated me like I was no one important that our relationship wasn't important... really nothing more than a friendship. Her treating me like I was very insignifcant has continued... she still looks at us like we're 15. Her choice to treat us like stupid little children has kept her from ever really seeing us as adults.it's a really WEIRD situation....

Also... EVERY GIRL I KNOW that was made to wait until she was the magic age of 15 or 16 to date... who also had few conversations about anything important with her parents... had SEX while in highschool (way before they were allowed to date)... were the only girls who I know had abortions... and had multiple partners before high school graduation. These kids were only given rules... and no guidelines or open conversations... they hid their desires, concerns, etc... They got into way more trouble than any of the kids I observed who were allowed to explore relationships with some guideance...

Good Luck!

Hi. There is no "right age." Some mature more quickly. The main thing to stop them from early sex is lots of love and physicality at home. If you make a big deal about it it's more likely to drive them to it. Don't create a 'forbidden fruit.' So he calls her a girlfriend, big deal. Labeling it differently is not going to make their interaction different. Someone below said that the kids they knew who had stricter rules were the ones who had sex earlier, and I have always found that to be true. Just EDUCATE your kid so he'll do it right when he does.

Hi,
I just wanted to give you my input on you question. I have a 14 year old and he also has a girlfriend. he is in 8th grade and I worry about the same thing. All you can really do is talk to them often and try to ask questions as sincerely as you can. They do draw inward and think that you are being overbearing but it is best to let them know you just want to help them make good decisions and make sure that you try to be an active part of his "relationship". They will come to you for advice more so if they do not feel as if you are trying to be a roadblock. It is hard to encourage it but if you try to stop it they will just stop talking to you about it and do it behind your back. I hope that this was helpful to you in some way.
B. C.

I know exactly how you feel. I have an 11 AND 12 year old daughters. The 11 year old has no interest whatsoever in boys (yet) however, the 12 year old, although says she has no interest, I have seen her looking at them, and hear her talking about them. Coming from a strict Catholic family I couldn't date till I was 16 - 17 and even then my parents frowned at the idea. I hold the same guidelines for my daughters, not because of how I was raised but because of the society we live in now. You're doing the right thing by talking to your son and being very involved and interested in what's going on in his life. Sometimes that's all they need, and they'll open up all the avenues in their lives. I also think that boyfriends and girlfriends at 12 are still pretty innocent, I don't think they really know what it means, and to by quite honest, I know they're TERRIFIED of making moves. Although we still need to watch and monitor closely what goes on in their lives even at age 12. Good luck with your son!!

The one thing I stressed to my son about girls: "Always remember that's somebody's baby girl, somebody's daughter. Somebody is very protective of her and it will not be pretty if you do not respect her."

My other advice to you is MEET THE PARENTS. I can not stress this enough. The problems I went through with my daughter came from all the friends and boyfriends that I had not met or met their parents. Once you meet them it's so much easier for you to call each other and check on stories if necessary, and the kids actually liked it! They loved that I got involved and they loved the idea of both families having dinner or fun events together.

Good Luck!

My nephew (who i adore) just turned 13 and has a girlfriend he cares for very much. Granted in these times it's easier for him to email or IM her with statements such as "I love you", then when they get to school they barely talk :)

One thing we told him when my sister wouldn't allow him to go to the movies alone with her was, you can go in a group with your friends, not just the 2 of you. We emphasized the fact that at this age you won't be getting married anytime soon. Therefore it's important to preserve each others feelings. In other words, if you make it too serious someone's heart will get broken, and that can be very hard. At some point in your life you may get a broken heart but it too soon to experience that type of sadness.
Also, we mentioned the importance of putting enough time and attention into your friends, b/c you don't want anyone to feel left out. And having good friendships is almost always more important.
Good Luck. My daughter is 3 and I am so not looking forward to this!

Wow,... tough subject,. but important one. It sets the tone for what and how they behave from this point on..... we have a 13 yr old daughter. I would say, "communication" is the key. Your husband needs to take the lead on this one as how and what your husband does as it relates to behavior towards you and "women" in general will give him the foundation of how to treat women. His father is his role model. You are the other side of the coin which is the "receiver" of that behavior and can give him that perspective.
We just talk to our daughter and involve ourselves with her circle of friends to understand what type of "dynamics" she's encountering and not to be involved or be part of her crowd. Our son (7 yrs old) is high in testosterone and we're having conversations with him about things he understands at his level, as well.
Going back to your son,.what he thinks as a "girlfriend" may be quite simplistic or not. You have to explore what it means to him. If it is the more complicated one, then "walk" him down that road towards understanding the responsibilities of the "actions" and what it means (from a girls perspective) and how it affects his mental growth as a boy.
I think these types of topics are "kid" specific and it needs to be approached from what they understand and what they want out of it before we jump to conclusions of our "adult" perceptions and expectations. If we do interject our preconceived notions of what it leads to before they're ready to understand it,... we might be ruining the "innocence of life and love."
Just my thoughts and please take this information as merely one's opinion.

Good luck.

M.,

My kids are too young still but, I can tell you that I have always known and met their friend's parents. I would trust him and keep "tabs" on him. Keep an open relationship. Hopefully the girl's parents are just as worried and caring as you are =). Start setting some visitation rules...no bedrooms, no closed doors..just living room when parents are home ONLY. Keep cell phones ON and ANSWERED. Don't smother, let him know you trust him. =) Take care...good luck.