Hi. My 2 year old is a real sweetie and pretty well behaved. Usually quite calm and directable. But he is also quite intense when he is upset and has been becoming more obstinant. When I discipline him he gets very upset- which in itself is obviously normal, but he seems so sensitive to it. And the only real discipline is telling him no, or that he can't push his brother, etc. I have done time-outs at times too. And I worry about it because he is a very observant, sensitive and emotional child. My mother called him "intense" when he was 3 weeks old and she pegged it! I got pregnant, by accident:), when he was just 6 months old (apparently breastfeeding full time does not act as protection against pregnancy...) so he had to be a big boy pretty quickly. He was just 14 1/2 months old when his very demanding little brother was born. I feel like he got jipped. Initially he was fine and could care less about his brother. But the closer he got to age 2, the more upset he seemed and the more he regressed (pacifier, needing to be held, crying fits, whining...). I am a bit of a worrier to begin with, but I also work as a therapist for adoescents who are in need of psychiatric care. The kids I see at work really frighten me and I want so much to prevent my kids from having the kind of emotional turmoil I see at work. I worry about my 2 year old b/c he is so sensitive. And quite frankly, I hate the way I talk to him sometimes. His brother is not a good sleeper so I have not slept quality sleep in over a year. And I live a plane ride from any family. So I am short-tempered at times and I see it hurting my son. I am usually angry for a second and over it immediately, especially when I see it upsets him. But I do get angry, especially when I have not had much sleep. I hate the way I talk to him at these times. Any advice on how to stay calmer when sleep deprived and dealing with a head strong, emotional 2 year old?
Thanks so much for all of the thoughtful responses. Some days are better than others. Glad to know this support community exists for those rough days! Great advice and much appreciated. I recognoze that this is a breif perios of time that they are both so young- and its very stressful but also wonderful.
Hi H., I remember the days of woking full time and having a little baby. I think what helped me the most was becoming aware of my self talk. I would hear myself say in my mind things that I upset myself with like" I can't get dressed without an interruption" and then getting upset when I was not making the situation any better by talking that way. K. good luck and take breaks for perspective
ECFE...yeah I am so glad so many moms have mentioned this. I cannot say enough good things about Early Childhood Family Education.
I have been a nanny for 12 years and thought I was well prepared for motherhood and even I have learned SO much from my parent educator.
The number one biggest thing is to have fun and even when things seem all out of wack remember how much you love them and why you are doing this. This past semester we learned how to not say no. This doesn't mean saying yes but useing other words that say no for you without the instant disapointment. We also learned about displine and encouragement.
I knew a lot about all this stuff already but it is presented in a different way so you both can have fun and it makes life much easier.
I think I could write a book about how much I love ECFE.
Another great part about it though is it would be something that you could do special with your oldest and focus just on him. That alone could go a long way towards a happier kid.
The next semester hasn't started yet so there is still time to sign up. They offer different days and times and even some night classes.
Good luck H.!
~A.
H., I am sorry you are struggling and am glad you are asking for help. It is hard to deal with 2 young children and keep your cool, especially when you are exhausted all the time. My 2 youngest are 21 months apart and I, too, felt that the older one was getting the short end of the stick having a baby sister so close to her age. But, as they grow older and I see how close they are and what a wonderful relationship they have, I see what a gift it was to her to have a sister so close to her own age. It was not a bad thing, it was a wonderful thing and she has learned and benefited so much from having a sibling so close to her age. They both are benefiting greatly. I am sure it is hard to see that now, but as your kids get older and more independant, you will see it and will be glad they are so close. Mine are now 4 1/2 and 6. When they were young, it seemed so hard, but it really did get easier as they got older. Another thing to remember, all parents get upset at times, yell, do or say things they later regret. That is normal. And most kids regress at some point, even if they are an only child or the youngest child, not just because they have a younger sibling. I would work on making better sleeping habits for your younger child and having your husband help during the night so you can get some sleep. It is amazing the difference a good night's sleep can make in your whole day! I would also work on having one on one time with your older child, possibly when the baby is sleeping, or when your husband is home. He needs that, so do you. Do you have any outside support? I would recommend finding a Mom's group in your area for support and friendship (for both you and your kids). I belong to a nice online Mom's group and we plan occasional get togethers with or without the kids. The website is http://groups.yahoo.com/group/MinnesotaMomsConnection/
if you want to check it out. Other people have suggested ECFE classes, which I highly recommend, too. If you are from out of the state, you may not be familiar with ECFE. If you go to your city's website, there should be a link for ECFE, or your city's school district website. If you can't find it, do a search for early childhood family education + your city. They have great parent/child programs. Also, if you are home with your kids ALL of the time, you may want to look for some kind of a program to put your older child in so he can be around other kids his age. I wish you the best of luck and think it is great you are reaching out for support. Please feel free to email me if you want to talk.
S., mom of 3 and child care provider
____@____.com
(Oh, breastfeeding is NOT an effective method of birth control, as you found out!)
Check into the Love and Logic curriculum. It is built on the priciples of children learning best through natural consequences and seems to be very fitting for little ones (and older kids as well actually). Mine is 4 years old and the love and logic curriculum has been instrumental in providing him with ways to handle his emotions and various day to day situations that arise.
Also, if you are fairly new to the area, check out the mom friendly environment at Family Village (4000 Winnetka Ave. in New H.). A friend of mine began Family Village some time back when her kids were little because she was feeling a bit isolated at home. As a result, Family Village was born and is now: (taken from the FV website) "A haven for parents AND children. Parents can relax in our family room with friends while enjoying a coffee drink and healthy dessert from our café while letting their children get their wiggles out in our play area stocked with an ever-changing array of toys. Cafe Play caters to little taste buds as well with our menu of animal crackers, fruit leather, and variety of natural sodas and juices."
It is worth checking out. Family Village also offers classes and birthday party services as well as much more. FamilyVillage.net
Best of luck with Love and Logic and enjoy Family Village!
Like so many other moms, I've been there too. My oldest, a son, is also very sensitive and it breaks my heart to know how much I hurt him when I've gotten overstressed and angry.
A lot of what you're experiencing with him right now seems very developmentally appropriate - at that age they're learning that they can have wants and needs of their own, and learning to express them, too. But it's a hard time to be the parent!
I heartily recommend ECFE as so many other have done, but I'd also suggest finding childcare of some sort for your little one or both of them together - you need some time for yourself, and you also need some one-on-one with your oldest. If you're near St. Paul, you can look into KidsPark (www.kidsparkchildcare.org) It's a co-op, and is hourly child care - use as much or as little as you need with no weekly commitment. It's been a lifesaver for me. I've used it for a variety of reasons, sometimes to go to an appointment, and sometimes just to nap! Nobody would expect a worker in any other profession to go 24/7 without a break of some sort - why do we think it's reasonable for moms to never get a break?
Hi H.. I can relate to your situation. My son will be 3 in March and I have a baby who is 13 months. My older son isn't intense, he is actually super mellow, but he is 2 and will soon be 3 and those can just be really frustrating ages, even when your child isn't intense! I hate the way I talk to my son sometimes too. I have had some days (sleep deprived days - our baby isn't a sleeper either) where I feel like all I do is yell. I have made some real attempts to just not yell about stuff unless there is a real reason to do it. Even when my 2 year old is pushing the baby (which happens all the time) I have been trying to keep my cool. A deep breath really helps (if I have time) and sometimes I just remove him, rather than try to correct his behavior. I also try to get my son to ask me for help, rather than pushing, and then try to be there right away to move the baby so he understand that asking for help gets a response. This has helped some too.
I think it is harder for kids when their siblings start to become little people instead of just infants. My son when through a phase of indifference when the baby came, but it was really hard when Joey started to crawl. It was like all of a sudden Charlie realized that this person was going to affect his life more than he thought and it was an adjustment. It's much better now. I've heard that when the young one reaches about 18 months it becomes SO much better because they can actually play. Keep that in mind too, as it's only a few months away for your kids.
I also really recommend an ECFE class if you can find time in your schedule. If you are not familiar with the program, it is through your school district, and is a fantastic way to meet other Mom's in your area with kids your age. I have a few friends I met when my son was an infant that we still have play dates with nearly every week. We live in the Roseville district, and our school has a "sibling care" so I take a class with each child, and drop the other one off for the 1 1/2 hours of class time. It is fantastic. I get some quality time each week with each of the boys, and our classes also separate so we get some parent time as well. During the parenting time we usually have time to discuss the challenges we are facing as parents. This really helps me as well. I highly recommend the program. The fee's are based on your income, and are very reasonable, in my opinion.
I am also really trying to start working on getting my younger son to sleep better. We've been trying to put him down awake (he nurses before sleep, so sometimes that doesn't work if he falls asleep), and I've been trying to cut back on night nursing in the hopes of him sleeping better (not waking to nurse). My husband and I have an agreement that if he wakes before midnight, it's his job to get him back to sleep. I try to be in bed at 10, then I don't usually have to go in to him until 2 or so... on a good night. Anyway... little changes might really help with sleep, maybe you can switch with your husband every other night (if that works for your situation).
Sorry this message got so long! I just totally understand how you feel. Good luck. If you live near Roseville and are looking for ECFE info, or a playdate feel free to contact me with a personal message.
J.
Remember you are human! I have a 5 year old who sounds very similar! We can never be perfect. Do the best you can. Love him to pieces when he is behaving appropriatly, but also remember you are showing him love when you discipline. You are letting your child know there are boundaries and as you know, in your field, children crave boudaries.
Trust yourself and forgive yourself when you have a rough time. Good luck.
All the advice you've received is very good. I would alsso suggest taking vitamins, especially vitamins D and the Bs, and take fish oil. You may also want to get your thyroid levels checked. Things can get out of wack post-partum. Would an antidepressant be a possibility for you? You are in an extremely stressful time in your life, and you need all the help you can get.
J.
I feel the shortness with my kids too and get angry. The guilt is just a parent thing I think. I haven't figured out how to calm myself except I found that it helped that when their Dada is home I have him do the punishment and I feel a sense of relief now. Also, he does a reward system where if she's good all day she gets a star by her smiley face and if she acts bad she gets a star by the sad face. At the end of the day we give her fruit snacks if she's good. If she's bad during the day she has the rest of the day to make up for it by being good or doing something extra special. Like giving her sister a toy to play with or sharing food or something. She will earn a star by the smiley face. Sometimes if it's a 50/50 day she doesn't get to eat the whole bag of fruit snacks. She gets time out and is told to sit on a specific step and if she cries her Dada tells her that her time will start when she's quiet. After some resistence of having Dada punish her she is now catching on to the concept. She tells us when she's good or when she did something extra special and she asks if she can have her candy. Maybe doing something like this might help and maybe improve the sibling relationship.
I hear you sister. I am having similar issues. Sometimes I can't believe that I react the way I do with my daughter, but those little ones can really, at an early age, learn how to push our buttons. Of course it isn't OK to yell at our kids, so we need not give ourselves permission to do it. Occasionally, when it happens it is important to apologize to our children and then forgive ourselves. It is important to forgive your child after they misbehave. None of us is perfect. I would recommend the book, Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood by Jim Fay and Charles Fay. It has really helped me learn practical techiniques and quell the frustration before I get to the yelling point.
Good luck and thanks for being honest enough to ask for help. No one wants to admit they are not always the parent they intend to be.
i dont have a lot of advice except wondering if you are uinvoved in your towns ECFE program? they usually offer a cass were you can spend one on one time with eather child and the other is in sibling care, it may help for him to get some straigt 'mommy time'. also, itsounds like you could use some tome off. where do you live?
S.
I understand your frustrations! You deserve to be frustrated, your job at home is VERY hard. Sometimes we need to find others that are there too, people you can just be with. I think you need to find a group of some sort to help support you. Try ECFE or a local moms group, there are LOTS out there. As far as your kids ending up where the kids you work with are... your kids won't be there BECAUSE YOU CARE! Peace and Breath (and sleep).
J.
