Advice - Holbrook, AZ

hi D. - i work in corrections but for adults. feel free to contact me at my regular email address and maybe i can help.

____@____.com

S.

I am currently employed with CPS. But before this job I was a counselor. It is hard for kids in the system. They blame you for everything. Consistency and time are the answers. You have to show them that you will not make the same mistakes you made before that resulted where they are now. They have to witness you making the right decisions and saying the right things over and over. Do not try being their friend. Be their mother. Provide structure, respect, role model appropriate behavior and enable their trust. That is the key!
Good luck and God bless. It will get better. Don't let them run you. Even though you have made mistakes you still are the mother

Hello,
I'm a mother of 3 girls. My girls are younger then your boys but my oldest was born with attitude! She is very grouchy and can be very dramatic, sarcastic and started to have a really bad attitude. I enrolled all three girls in Taekwondo this summer and noticed a HUGE difference in her respect towards her father and I. I also noticed now when I ask them to do something they respond with "YES MOMMY". My younger daughter who was lacking self confidence and kind of shy was also greatly effected by Taekwondo. She is now very confident in herself and her grades have really improved.
The boys may be craving some "male attention". Taekwondo would teach them respect, integrity, and discipline.

Hope this helps.
ALoha,
C.

I would strongly suggest counsling, for ALL of you, seperatly then work together as a family. Being a single parent is hard enough, and this will contiue and get worse. If you cannot afford a counsler (not a psych) check into your community, most ALL cities will offer cousling through the state at little or no cost to you. Couseling will offer different methods for ALL of you to try and it will work best with the individual and the family as well. A Psych will just give you valium and send you away...LOL (sounds good though doesnt it??) Nip it NOW before thigs get worse.

Good luck to you, and I hope for the best!!!

D.,

I had to raise my niece (who had been in the system) since she was 12. Her biggest thing was that she had never been allowed to be a child. She always had too look after others and herself. Our biggest struggle was getting her to be a kid and enjoy life. I found that getting her involved in a youth group, where she was surrounded by kids her own age,and a positive and safe atmosphere, doing fun and silly activities was the best thing for her. Surround them with positive. Adults and kids thrive in that kind of situation. My Niece is now 21 and is nursing school doing wonderful. There is hope..

I also recommend that you take small steps in not being their friend but being their parent. There has been a lot of damage done, and they are probably rebelling and treating you like a friend because they have had to treat you that way. Not to be rude but if they had the role of taking care of you for a long time, its hard to turn that off. Just because you are getting better and straightening out doesn't mean that they trust you are going to stay that way. You have a long way to gaining back that trust. It will take a while, but remember that you lead by example, so if you are finally on the right track to everything you can to stay that way. Its the best way to gain back their trust and respect for you. It will not happen overnight but it will get better. I also recommend counceling too, it helps so much. Just hang in there.

WELL FIRST OF ALL...ARE YOU HOME OFTEN FOR THEM? IF NOT YOU NEED TO BE. IT'S SO HARD BEING A SINGLE MOTHER RAISING TWO TEENAGE BOYS. THEY NEED A MALE INFLUENCE IN THEIR LIVES. SO MAYBE AN UNCLE CAN HELP. IF THEY ARE BOTH OUT OF CONTROL MAYBE YOU CAN LOOK INTO BOOT CAMP FOR THEM. THERE IS PROGRAMS THAT CAN HELP YOU PAY FOR THIS. THERE IS ALL TYPES OF BOOT CAMPS,SOME IN THE DAY,WEEKENDS,AND LONGER. OR TRY A CHURCH GROUP FOR THEIR AGE. THE KEY IS TRY TO KEEP THEM BUSY. ESPECIALLY WHEN THE BOYS ARE IN VACATION AND YOUR AT WORK THEY CAN GET THEMSELVES INTO ALOT OF TROUBLE. IT WORKED FOR MY FAMILY. WE BEEN THERE DONE THAT.

Hi,

I am not sure what you mean by "in the system" but as for letting your kids know you love them while not spoiling them.. and letting them know you are the mother and not the friend....What I think you need to do is just act like a mother. You need to not get weak when they make you feel guilty about things..You need to discipline and stick to what you say. You need to show them you stand firm on your decisions. If you cannot follow through with punishments and saying no then you are not acting like a mother. They might not see it now but if you are strong and firm on what you say that is showing them you love them. I have had to do this myself with my children and believe me it works. It's hard at first but it works! Try it and good luck.

D. J

Less than a year ago I was a CASA, and if your children are in the system then you know what a CASA is. I had to stop being a CASA because we decided to do fostercare.....

My suggestion for you.... do everything that you are court ordered to do.... do what DHS, the CASA, and the DA wants you to do. You need to also go above and beyond what they want and seek some help yourself.

I realize that most of the damage has been done by your past parenting.... however, when they are with you, stop being their friend and be their parent. When they are able to come back home to you, you need to make sure that you have written house rules for them to follow.... what are you going to do if they don't follow those rules, what's going to be the options when they break the house rules.

I'm a parent of two boys, and I'll tell you what, I raised my boys on my own for many years..... They are productive and well mannered... take some parenting classes.... swallow your pride and ask for some help.... it doesn't hurt!

Good luck

D.,
I am so sorry to hear about your boys treating you like that... I have a 14 year old son, well actually a few days away from being 15 years.

We have always been really close and I have always had my nose in their business, so I don't have much advice.

For me... I have his friend over a lot. I always sign them up for activities... If your income falls in certain guidelines you could get scholarships for sports, art programs and so much more...I always go with them to these activities... Just being there means a lot to them...
Get them involved with the big brother program too...
I feel the more activities they get involved with the better because they have a way to divert their energies in a positive way rather than negative....
go walk the track with them, shoot some hoops...

I hope my advice will be some help too you...
It's ok to be their friend but most of all be their mom~!

I wish you so much luck~!

I work with youth a bit at church and was one not too long ago. My Advice: Tough Love. I've found that kids need to learn how to suffer the consequences for their mistakes. They need to learn that mommy's not going to fix all their mistakes. I have a father that's still in constant trouble and doing drugs, he's lost two kids to the state in five years. My grandma has always fixed everything for him and he takes advantage of it. At that age, most kids treat their parents bedly and if they hate you today but thank you tomorrow, wouldn't you rather have that? My husband was a prodigal son and his mom did a lot of tough love and prayer.
Prayer is the most powerful thing you can do, esspecially between a mother and child, it takes time though. Continue to be positive with them and encourage them in the right path, but don't let them get out of their responsibilites. Let them know why they need to be responsible. Yu might try your local Christian suply store for some books to help or try Focus on the Family web site. Whatever your beleifs, they're a great resource.

how long have they been in the system? why are they there you have to look at all that and ask yourself where there signs? being a single mom is hard i have 3 kids my oldest is 12 she has given me a little run for my money (so to speak) have you tried counseling? i know not every one has money but to be honest imy kids are on medicaid i work full time and a wonderful job but get no help from there dad so i need that help well that ins pays for the counseling they just have to be refered by there doctor because your kids are getting older and propobly more hatefull and mad and if they cant express themselves by talking to you then try a counselor by going to them doesnt label you as a bad mom it is you trying to help your kids through a rough time in there lives and always no matter if they say it back or hug you back tell them you love them always and everyday dont let tem go to bed without you saying i love you and try spending time with them like if they like video games try taking them to an arcade or playing a game at home with them but if the spending time with them doent work always nomatter what dont let them leave without telling them and showing them that you love them they will remember that in the end that even though they treated you crappy that you always loved them and it might take a while but they will come around one day

Kids at that age are trying different roles they could develop into as they become adults. Lots of those roles are scary and rebellious. Looking back on my not so distant teen years, one of the things that kept me safe was the "cool" mom who allowed everybody to crash and party at her house. We had all participated in such reckless behavior in very dangerous conditions. Once we had the safe place to go we were in one location, with an adult present, and actually my mother knew where I was during those occasions. I also had strict checking in guidelines, which would be much easier in this day of cellular phones.

Good luck and take lots of deep breathes.