Adopt a Third Baby? Advice Please.

If you have this many doubts then don't do it.
Your Hubby will be relieved when you tell him 2 is enough.
So what if you once thought 3 was a good number?
You are allowed to change your mind.
You have a lot of parenting years ahead of you and the teen years can be just as tough as the toddler years.

How would you feel if you received a call tomorrow saying that they've decided not to let you adopt this little girl? Relieved? Upset? Ok?

Sometimes we go into parenthood feeling that there's a right number of children when actually things come up that change that number. Don't get locked into having 3 because you wanted 3 years ago. Look at how your family functions and figure out what's right for everyone right now.

T. - welcome to mamapedia!!

Wow!! this is a tough decision. I guess I would ask myself if I was called today and told the birth mother had changed her mind - would I be happy/relieved or sad?

Having kids is hard work. Your experience with your oldest is much like mine with my youngest. Born pre-mature with pneumonia - didn't sleep well - couldn't sleep laying down - figured out his tubes (ear) were not fully developed and had tubes put in and made a 100% difference!!

Will the "gap" be significant? Depends on who you are asking. My siblings are 5 and 7 years older than me. Life changed when I came along - I was not expected or planned - at 5 and 7 - my brother and sister could walk on their own, get up on their own...now with a baby? Strollers and diapers were the new norm...you get through it. Just like you did with your son...

You and your husband need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart and communicate your desires and concerns.

Good luck!!

This is a tough question since it is such a personal decision. I do think the answer will be found when you and your husband are both in agreement, with either choice.

I have a blended family, my husband and I have 5 children between us that are very close in age (we have two that are 23, and the others are 22, 21, and 20). Four are in college:-) there is something to be said for age gaps:-) we also adopted our son (who has medical issues) when he was one year old and he will be 3 next month. I am 44 and my husband is 53. Yes, it's hard some days, but we are ecstatic with our little guy!! However, we were both on the same page with the adoption, 100%.

I pray you will be able to make a decision with your husband that will be right for your family. Blessings to you!!

I wouldn't do it unless you BOTH were fully on board, you and your husband.

What a good answer from Heidi H. The decision was pretty easy for me. I just didn't want a third. I like to underschedule vs overschedule myself and I was an older mom too. But it really is a personal decision. I was just going to say part of what Heidi said. I think people think once the kids are out of diapers it gets so much easier and it does for ages say 5-7. But as mine are getting older than that, honestly it's not much easier. So many activities and homework (and we try not to be the crazy overschedule people) that it's a lot of logistics and a lot of detail managing. Maybe bc I work full time and it's changed from a lot of physical work a nanny can kind of fill in for to more mental managing that only I can do, I don't think it's much easier now. Definitely we can go to a party and the kids are off playing and they read to themselves now and we don't have to watch every second. So easier in some ways yet still very demanding. So 3 means even more logistics. Obviously people do it and love it. I just wouldn't think "oh, when they're older it'll be easy so it's just these first couple of years." Not sure that's the case for everyone. There's the saying "little kids, little problems. Big kids, big problems."

Oh wow, tough decision. Bless your heart for giving these children a wonderful home but three is a lot! I have three and they are ages 17, 7 and 5. My 7 year old is special needs and she demands a lot of our attention! I agree, make sure you and DH are completely on the same page! Good luck!

T. - what a hard one. I love that you've adopted and are considering this again based on what you wrote above and my own (possibly skewed) view of parenthood (I have 3 kids one with special needs; 1 with a learning disability) . As you know this decision is life long. I think since you are struggling with it, you should not commit at least at this time. I think this is something both you and your husband need to feel 100% pulled / "called" to do with eyes open of course. Realizing that everything maybe wonderful or you could end up with a baby that is difficult or has medical needs or special needs. I don't think the age gap is too big. I just think you and your husband shouldn't have any hesitation or reservations before adopting. Bless you.

As much as I might want it I could not do it without my husband's blessing. I would ask him to really pray and reflect before he gives me his final opinion. That's just me though.

You've had some good answers here. Hope you find peace with this decision, whichever way you go.

I have a 6.5, almost 5, and 19 month old. Honestly, I'm exhausted. I'm 42. I need sleep or i get irritatable and depressed and am not the nicest mommy. I homeschool as well, and run a HS group. I have a very full plate. It's exhausting.

Am I glad I had the third? Beyond joy itself. We feel complete now as a family, and the other two adore their baby sister. In fact, my son thinks we should have another baby-I'm far to old for that 4th, though I wish we had started sooner, I'd have 5.

My third was/is easier. I struggled with the small age gap with the first two. I struggled with self-care. With this last? I took a nap everyday during pregnancy. In fact, I just got up from a nap :-). I let housework go if I'm just not up to it. It has been hard, and I still don't get enough "me time," but I know I will soon. The baby is becoming independent, and the older two barely even need me.

Yes, the logistics can be weird. My oldest does homeschool swim during my youngest's nap. I found a babysitter,but she still had to miss sometimes. A lot of other homeschool families play in the afternoon, we stay home for a baby's nap.

But I know it's such a small part of such a larger picture. The sleepless nights with a newborn didn't bother me this time. The days when the LO doesn't want to be put down similarly don't bother me. I'm loving it all, because I know it will be gone in a moment. Yes, I have days when my ego is depleted and I just want to run away, but I recognize when I'm feeling burnt out and I just take it easy- that dinner I planned? Skip it, we're doing tske out. The long list of chores? Forget it,I'm taking a nap. You want lunch? Have processed food!? (I rarely bought processed food until I had my third, I made almost everything, including pasta, from scratch!)

Listen to your heart. It will tell you what you need, but I can tell you that our third was and is a pure joy to everyone-even my mother that thought I was nuts for having a baby at 41.

I was good with it until you said you were 41.. I just turned 40 and could not do it. but I think adopting is so wonderful and familes that can are so special.

While I agree that this is absolutely an individual decision, I will tell you my story in hopes that another perspective help you in some way. I always wanted AT LEAST four children. My husband agreed to two before we were married, with the agreement that it would be open for discussion after that. We had two boys (five years apart). The third was an easy sell because my husband knew that, although I would be happy to have four boys, I would have liked to have a girl. Our third child is a girl. I very much wanted to have another child. My husband was pretty firm about wanting to stop at three. His reasons were strictly financial. We were comfortable, but he was looking forward to all the expenses that come with teenagers and paying for college, etc. and didn't want to sacrifice our standard of living. I knew, even then, that I could have eventually talked him into it. But I had the same rationale as you. I didn't want my husband to be resentful that I pressed him to have another when he really didn't want to. I didn't want to have another child if he wasn't fully on board. So I let it go and agreed to my husband's vasectomy when our daughter was a year old. As they got older, I saw my husband's point about the financial aspect. They were expensive!! Aside from basic needs, there were sports, computers, car insurance, proms, college, etc. etc, Even though they were required to help, we felt like an open checkbook. BUT, I never stopped wishing I had had one more. Never. My youngest is now 27 years old and I still regret stopping at three. It does not define me. I don't mope around all the time and I'm not depressed or anything like that. But I do feel like something is missing. To be fair, I can't promise I wouldn't feel the same way if we had four. I might wish I had had five! :D But I know this is how I feel, now -- more importantly, my husband has admitted to regretting it as well. He wishes he hadn't talked me out of the fourth. *sigh* I'm not bitter towards him, but I also know he wouldn't have resented me if I had pressed for another. In the end, I believe it was much more important for me to have another than it was for him to not have another. I think that's what you need to figure out. Who feels the most strongly about their position. That's where we went wrong.
There is an eight year difference between my oldest and youngest. Yes, there are problems that come with that, just as there are problems with them being close in age. I wouldn't even factor that into my decision, if I were you.
I can't address the age issue. I was pretty young when I had all my children.
Good luck to you!!!

I think a lot of people go through this - not even only with adoption, but with finding out they are expecting. There is no such thing as an "oopsie" - if you are intimate, you can make a baby.

I really can't tell you if you should or should not bring another child in to your home. 3 was good for us, but there are times I would like another one. We won't have anymore and I am more than fine with that, but still. That longing for a baby gets me sometimes.

What about you and your husband have a very honest conversation about whether this is right for you all or not. And not just this baby, but another baby at all. You'll know. You will be able to tell if he is doing it for you or truly is happy about another baby.