ADHD Son and Fight W Dad 4 Meds

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I think if you are not having similar problems with any of your other kids then it's not so much of a parenting issue. I looked back at a few of your other posts (hope you don't mind), and I can see you have a LOT on your plate, especially with your OWN medical issues.

I wonder what does your behavioral therapist think about the meds? If he she is all for it, can you have him her sit down and have a discussion with your husband? Have you looked up some Adderall success stories and shared that ith your husband?

Honestly you sound very frustrated, exhausted, and sad, I hope you do not also feel like a failure.

I know it sounds awful, but if I were in your exact situation, I would probably go ahead with the meds with out my husbands approval, sigh, sorry, but EVERYBODY involved wants this kid (and the REST of the family including MOM) to have the best life possible. That's the goal, right?

Good Luck to you. Hope it gets much better soon!

:)

Wow, just read your post and the comments. I couldn't disagree more with ABM. I'm sorry that ladies here can't just be nice!

I don't have any experience, or suggestions. Just wanted to chime in that you sound like you are trying, and that sometimes we all need a little help.

Bless you. I hope you can turn things around for his sake, and the entire family.

I taught elementary school for 13 years before becoming a stay at home mom. I completely understand when parents said they didn't want their child to be on meds for a long time and sometimes ADHD meds didn't work for some kids. However, there are some kids that are night AND day different when they are on their meds and when they were not. I could tell the minute the stuff wore off in their system or if they came to school and forgot to take it. It is that noticeable with some kids. I remember many years ago I had a 4th grader in my class. He was a great kid. Great attitude. Lots of friends and made decent grades. He was adhd and took meds for it. The next school year I happened to move up to 5th grade and had this boy in class again. Over the summer his mom decided to take him off the meds and try to control his adhd with diet (limiting sugar, red dye, etc.) Monitoring certain foods can help and that is what I would suggest you do first if you haven't already done so, but for this boy it was not the answer. He needed the medicine. His behavior took a nose dive. He was moody and became defiant. Friends started to avoid him. His grades dropped. The school team and parents even entertained the thought of retaining him. Then half way through the school year his mom chose to start the meds up again. And almost overnight all of his problems solved themselves. He was the happy kid I knew from the year before. It was hands down the best example that ADHD is indeed a medical issue that can be treated with medication. It is not a cop-out for you as a mom. I have a bachelors and a masters degree in elementary education and a bevy of other training and certifications to deal with these types of behaviors and I can attest to the fact that dealing with a child that is out of control is FREAKIN' HARD!!! Don't beat yourself up or let anyone else beat you up for trying to deal with this because it is a difficult task. I believe that every child is inherently good, even when they behave the way you describe and sometimes our job as parent or teacher is to find alternate solutions when the ones we have tried do not work. Sometimes those solutions include medicating a child. If he had diabetes you wouldn't deny him insulin, so the same goes for a situation like this. Good luck to you and I hope you can convince your husband to at least let your son try it for a month or two.
A.

I'm sorry that your husband isn't on the same page as you but seeing how you are with your son the majority of the time you should really know best. Of course your son is going to listen and behave while his dad is home but that's because he's hardly there. My dtr was diagnosed about 3 years ago (she is now 8) having ADHD. We started her on medication along with behavior modification. While our dtr doesn't go to the extreme as your son does as far as hitting, kicking and all that it was pretty bad. It really affected her school work because of the inability to focus. Does your husband want him to suffer in school? Have you gotten a formal diagnoses that your son does indeed have ADHD? If you haven't already you can take him to a Child Study Center to have him thoroughly tested. If it is determined that he does have ADHD they will go over the results, the expectations, and the plan of actions. We took our dtr to one of those after she had already had one diagnoses from a dr that visited the school. See if you can set something like that up and have your husband go with you. Tell him you are just trying to do what's best for ya'lls son and to give him the best chance in life. There was a study done not too long ago where they had three groups of kids with ADHD. One group did just behavior modification. Second group did just medication. Third group did both. They went back a year later to evaluate the groups to see which group had the most improvement and it was determined that it was the third group. Medication isn't a cure all but it does help take the edge off. Gives them the ability to focus and that in itself may help with the behavior issues. Behavior modification alone doesn't work because you are talking about EVERYONE that is involved in this childs life to be consistent and on the same page ALL THE TIME. That's impossible. I'll tell you this, it still a daily battle for us but at least it's become manageable. I think that is all you are looking for at this point, right? Also, please know that it takes time to find the right medication and the right dosage so don't be disappointed if you don't get positive results on the first tries. Good luck!

**I'm sorry I just had to come back on here and say that I completely disagree with ABM... She obviously has no clue what it is like to have a child with ADHD or the like. That's what I personally get tired of, talking to others about situations with my dtr and all I hear is, well you need to try this....or this....or you aren't doing it correctly....or she just needs to be disciplined. The thing is that they don't realize, I have tried all of that and more and it doesn't work. Some children are just more difficult than others. If you don't have a child like this, then thank your lucky stars. NOT that I DON'T thank mine because I do because I do love her very much. She is just a challenge at times.**

Just answered a very similar question above. Here's my perspective as someone who's walked in your shoes:

Be very, very careful where you get your information about ADHD. I would look to ADDitude magazine and CHADD to ensure you're getting the facts. The general public and people who haven't dealt with ADHD first-hand are not reliable.

ADHD medication helps the vast majority of people with ADHD. It completely transformed our son's life. He went from being kicked out of preschool to excelling in elementary school. It connects the dots in the brain in ways that no diet, supplement or other strategy can. He seems like a normal child when the medication is active. When it's not active, life is hell.

If you try medication, keep in mind you'll still benefit from behavioral therapy. A great therapist can give you tips on managing her bad behavior, especially when the medication isn't active (it takes an hour to kick in and will konk out in the afternoon on extended release). A key thing is not losing it as a parent. I know first-hand how hard that is when you're dealing with ADHD symptoms that are nails on chalkboard horrendous. People who haven't seen ADHD truly have no clue how much of a nightmare it is. But you have to stay calm as best you can.

ADHD medication will help with ALL of the symptoms. Our son at 7 am is running across the furniture, throwing things, trying to climb the walls, refusing to eat breakfast, saying offensive words and pretty much destroying the house. Doesn't matter what we do to try to control him. When the medication kicks in at 8, he's calm, polite, focused, normal. Still full of the same personality and not even remotely lethargic, just normal.

Keep in mind that with stimulants, if you hate anything about them on day one, you can stop immediately. The medication is only in the body that day and then it's gone. It can take some trial and error to get it right but it's worth it.

if your the one who has to deal with his actions and it is falling on your other children....honestly i'd give it a try.....i would deff tell his dad and not hide it from him tho.....its not like you turned to rx for your first solution.....it may work it may not---your 100% right...but unfortunately its a process of elimination and you have to start somewhere....i dont see anything wrong with you wanting to try it given the situation....good luck!!!

He sounds a lot like my Andy. Andy is now 12 and has PDD where the other three just have ADD.

I remember when Andy was two, during his birthday no less, he wanted to go out back but he couldn't because we have a pool and no one was out there to watch him. So he head-butted the door knob. He had such a lump it actually caused calcification on the skull. My exes mom asked why I wasn't going to punish him. I pointed out that there was nothing I could legally do that would hurt more than he did to himself. Still he didn't learn from that.

Meds help but they don't cure. We have had to work on his behavior separately. What the meds do is increase the time it takes for him to lose his temper. That little bit of extra time helps, big time, in teaching him to control his temper.

If the current Therapist is not helping and you see no results nor improvements, I would seek another Therapist.

How are your other kids? He must really irk them too. They must get stressed from him, too. Like you.
And little kids have no coping-skills to deal with things like that.
I feel bad for your other kids, too.

Get another Therapist. Seek one until you find one, that will address his issues and you see results.

Your son needs some form of help. If your husband doesn't think it is so bad then you need to video tape him and prove to your husband how bad it is. My husband was the same way, he kept telling me oh boys will be boys but I knew better than that. After having conversations with my MIL, he realized that there was in fact a problem and that medication might help him out, and you know what it did!

We only started medication this year when my son's grades started going down the toilet but he doesn't really have impulse problems his biggest issue is focus.

If you do fill the prescription keep in mind that it can take a few tries to find the right med/dose. I think with him being so young you are limited to what he can take. I think you need to have a long chat with dad, maybe he can email the teachers and talk to the dr. Perhaps speaking to someone else will help him see the bigger picture maybe coming from you he just thinks you are burnt out and trying to make things easier for you instead of what's best for your son.

Has the dad been going to the appointments? Maybe he should. He may have a better understanding of why there is a need to medicate. But I sympathize with him in that he may not fully understand the magnitude of the problem and like me, thanks to Dateline and other "news" shows, the word Adderall scares me to death because of the negative reports I've seen. If you think his problem is severe enough to use the assistance of medication to help it, do it. Only you can truly understand what is going on and what is needed for your son. You may also want to look at diet modification as another tool to help his behavior. While I don't agree with ABM, I would be concerned where my 4 year old learned how and when to say FB. Only so I can nip it in the bud with the person he learned it from.

What you are describing sounds like a lot more than ADHD (more like ODD - oppositional defiant disorder). I would have a real tough time using medication on a 4 year old. Is the doc who prescribed the medication also the behavior modification specialist? If it's someone who really knows your child, has worked with him, has observed him in multiple settings and thinks that medication is a piece of the treatment puzzle, then perhaps you should consider it. If it's just your pediatrician, however, I wouldn't do it. If you therapist can't prescribe medication and you want to pursue that, you should ask for a referral from the therapist to a developmental pediatrician or the best child psychiatrist in your area and seek out a full evaluation.

I think you also need counseling. I've been stressed out by my ADHD son but he doesn't make me cry. It sounds like your stress may be feeding into the dysfunctional dynamic between the two of you. Is the therapist working with you (and your husband) to teach you how to work with him at home? You really sound like you're at the end of your rope (and no wonder - I'm not blaming you for feeling so frustrated) but you're going to need to get yourself some support so that you can pull yourself together and deal with your son.

In your darkest hours, remember that it's not his fault that he acts this way. If he knew how to control his inner turmoil to have peaceful, loving relationships with you and your other children, he would.

Some books:

"Raising Your Spirited Child"
"The Kadzin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child"

Best of luck to you and your family.

I feel for you, really I do. I have a 6 year old boy. He had a diagnosis of ADHD at 4. Honestly, I probably could have diagnosed him in the womb. We did not medicate him because of personal beliefs about the medication. This is his first year of kindergarten and he could not handle it. He couldn't focus, wouldn't do his work, danced around like a crazy person all the time and literally couldn't sit in a chair. We are now looking into medication for him, right now he is on Concerta. He acts better, but it is NOT a cure-all. I am not a Dr., but to my knowledge violence is not an indiciation of ADHD, impulsivness yes, but down right meaness I dont' think so. In fact I took my son to developmental ped. just for ADHD and asked him if after coming down would he act angry. He said if he did that that would be something different and he would refer him to a neurologist. I'm not saying it's not worth a try, but I would think long and hard about if this is the path you want to go down. ADHD meds are very addictive and are brain alterting drug, not to mention have numerous side effect both now and in the long run. If this is not seriously his problem, then I would seek other options. I feel guilt everytime I give my son his medicine and feel that I have somehow failed him, but have come to the conclusion that I have tried everything to help him (and I have tried it all). Good Luck to you!

I can't speak to the issue of ADHD or ODD. What must be frustrating to you is to have your SO not agree to try this. You don't say but it doesn't really sound like he has ideas on how to improve this situation. Concerns over medication are valid but I wonder since he doesn't have to live it if he is discounting it and not recognizing the full gravity of the situation. I wonder if Yelling those words (or similar) at him out of the blue would shake him!. (of course out of earshot of the kids) Since your other two older children are not this way and the 2 year old seems to hopefully just be copying behavior, it really sounds like your 4 year old is in trouble. Can you go to counseling with your husband. He needs to comprehend how serious this is! If he won't, I say Leave him in charge of the kids for a week while you LEAVE. This may not be pratical but he needs to live it to know 1 - Your child needs help and you need to start now with a plan. 2 - YOU shouldn't have to take the brunt of this behavior. Neither should your other 3 kids. This has to be such a time and energy drain for your family. I'm so glad there are other ladies familiar with the specifics of Aderall. Lot of good advice on that front! All the best to you!

PLEASE education not medication

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Barbile
Family Success Coach