We're trying to figure out an acceptable way for DS, 7, to express anger and/or frustration. He's been throwing (mostly smaller/lighter) things and swinging his arms at people, sometimes landing punches. It needs not to be hurtful or destructive, but also needs to be satisfying to him. Suggestions for what he can do, and how I can stay cool in the face of it?
He's had no life upheavals, just the end of school, and has no violent role models at home.
He was taking tae kwon do for over a year, but recently (in the last two months) has been resisting going.
WHEN I get angry (which isn't often - I'm a slow broil) I growl, yell, stomp feet, clench fists and punch air down by my hips/thighs, put my frustrating project down forcefully, if applicable, and tell people to go away. Daddy's expressions of anger are yells, clenches fists, stomps.
When DS gets wild, I scoop him up and drop in his room to cool down. We've suggested punching pillows, mattress.
What a lot of responses! I promise we're not constantly angry, just little bursts!!
I do think I need to model a better response sometimes, and I liked the latest response about sitting with and acknowledging anger. I'm going to look into those books - for ourselves, if no one else!
Wow!! I agree that he is just following what you as parents are showing him. Why is everyone so mad??? Counseling sounds like a great idea here. Good Luck!
We recently had our 8 year old see a counselor for aggression issues. What we discovered is that if we let him act out he doesn't know when to stop or what the appropriate boundaries are, he just doesn't have the maturity at that age. Some suggestions she gave us that have worked are: count to 10 then do it again, allows him to cool down and refocus; run it off physically, literally run laps or do pushups; go to his room till he can calm down, this hasn't worked as well, he gets more upset before he calms down and it seems to prolong it but it might work for you.
Then once he's calmed down go over the situation with him. What happened? How did it make him feel? What were his choices? What would have been a better/more appropriate choice? You can also give him a feelings journal to write in. Just because he's calmed down doesn't mean the underlying feelings causing the anger are gone, he still needs to vent those. Venting on paper can help. He can write single words if he wants, whatever helps him get it out - and it's for his eyes only, you are NOT to read it or else he won't feel safe to vent there.
You also need to think about how you and your husband are expressing anger, your son is modeling your behaviors. If you want his behavior to change you need to change yours too.
Good luck!
Hi K.,
i don't know if books may work for him? If so, we use two nice ones about anger: "When Sophie Gets Angry -- Really, Really Angry..." by Molly Bang, and "Anh's Anger" by Gail Silver and Christiane Krömer (This one is in the tradition of Thich Nhat Hanh, a contemporary Buddhist Teacher and author of many books, including "Anger: Wisdom for Cooling the Flames").
The first book's protagonist is a girl, and we see what she does when she gets angry, how the anger transforms to tears, then calm, then peace. The book helps children be less frightened about anger and become creative about dealing with anger.
The second book's protagonist is a little boy who gets very angry. His grandfather tells him to sit with his anger, and so he does. The story is about meeting your anger, "dancing and playing with it" and how it goes away if you "take good care of it".
Maybe these books can support your son to find his own way with his anger. So that he can discover what he can do with it, and what lies behind it. I would not teach anyone to punch pillows or matresses. That's often just like blowing into a fire. I rather believe in taking care of your anger (or angry self) as you would of a distressed infant. Oooo, that sounds so heavy. Maybe add a good pinch of humour to that strategy! Laughter is such a great transforming force.
Good luck!
D.
Have you ever seen Bull$hit with Penn and Teller? They did a study on anger and had one group put their agressions out on pillows while the other group was left in a room to cool off. The group that got their agressions "out" were actually MORE agressive whereas the other group literally did calm down. I don't think letting him hit things or throw things is the answer. He is 7 and needs to learn to control his temper. I am dealing with this with my 6 and 9 year olds as the one will get upset and cry at everything and the other gets angry and stomps away.
First thing is, it probably doesn't help to see how mom and dad deal with their frustrations. Deep breathes, removing yourselves from the situation, etc. are better ways. Sadly I had a friend who used to do the same thing. She figured because all she was doing was clenching her fists, growling, and sometimes putting her fist down on the table she was setting a good example. At 12 and 16 though, her children have serious anger issues though and I can't help but wonder if it doesn't come from what they saw in their parents. BTW, their dad was a yeller and had anger management issues too.
Does he enjoy music? Reading? Have a stuffed animal he loves? If he is very frustrated he needs to learn to remove himself from the situation, go to his room, put some music on and lay in his bed with his eyes closed trying to focus on the music or laying in bed and reading for a while or just hugging a favorite toy. Now is the perfect time to be teaching him to breathe and count when he gets upset. These are both things we have done with our sons and we are seeing great results from it. We also ask our children what type of person do they want to be? By putting into perspective what they are doing vs. what they could be doing and what it says about them as people, it completely puts it in perspective for them as well. The past week we have noticed HUGE changes in the 6 year old especially and we make sure we praise him CONSTANTLY for his good choices, even if he STARTED to growl but quickly stopped himself because he realized it wasn't a good choice. Then we praise him for realizing on his own there was a better choice. It's amazing the difference we've seen in him.
I suggest enrolling him in karate or something along that line.
My first thought is to get him involved in something like karate or boxing where they learn to channel their anger appropriately and have a mentor to help them work through their issues constructively.
My other thought is to get him involved in something like therapy sessions with a counselor to help understand where the anger is coming from and how to channel it.
Good luck!
Looks like he's got the role model in you and your husband. The way you deal with your anger...
We have similar issues here. Our son just picked up how we deal with anger and is dealing with his the same way- throwing things or throwing himself on the floor flailing with his arms. Now we are trying to find a different way to deal with it for all of us.
Usually I put him in his room and tell him that it is not ok as calm as I can and then I have to leave and go to my room, take a deep breath and calm down, before I can face him again....
How about a punching bag? It would give him something safe to hit as much as he needed to until the aggression is out.
There is a class called "What to Do with the Mad You Feel" While geared toward child educators, could be a great resource to use as you are all going through this. It helps adults, help children to understand why they are mad and how to channel and express those feelings in a way that is not only satisfying, but does not include hitting, punching, throwing, etc.
Below is just one link I found that offers materials.
Another option would be wear him out with activities. I wear my boys out with exercise - playing baseball in the yard, running bases, jumping jacks, red rover, you name it - this helps dissipate a lot of frustration before it happens.
http://www.fci.org/viewproject.asp?ID=%7BA498033C-0D8D-4A...
I knew a lady who worked for a DSS adoption agency and she had a girl with anger issues. she made a scream box out of a shoe box filled with crushed newspaper and a paper towel tube stuck through an hole into the box and taped in place. When you scream into the tube it muffles the noise, but can be very satisfying, plus it sounds funny so will often lead to laughing about how you sound!
I have a 7 year old son who's #4 out of 5 kids... needless to say, I have some issues with him. If he's throwing a tantrum, I just have him sit in his bed until he is finished... that seems to help. I also stay on top of things with him and his siblings and deal with his heart too... but for the tantrums, he does them in his bed...
We have one of those boxing things that you put the gloves on and hit away. It has a base you fill with water. We keep it outside on the patio and all 3 of our kids (14 yo girl, 10 yo girl and 7 yo boy) all go out and hit it when they feel frustrated and it's really helped them and it's good exercise too! Good luck!
running.....Controlling and preventing anger feelings is better than an "outlet" You and his dad are not setting good examples either. You are showing him that anger is o.k. Why are you all so angry??? He needs to be shown "not to sweat the small stuff" which is most of the stuff in life that people let themselves get angry about. Sounds like you all need a lighter view on life.......
