Absent Fathers

My son's dad lives in a different COUNTRY but, after some time of basically hating/fearing each other (right after the split), we agreed I would not put any limit on visitation and he would pay a reasonable (for me) amount of child support. The key of the agreement is that he had to come visit our son in his environment (my home), not the other way around, and with me present AT ALL TIMES. That was because he showed signs of being irresponsible (which I could prove) and (very important detail) HE caused the end of the marriage/family by cheating so he was dead wrong on all counts. Having them by the balls (excuse the french) is KEY when it comes to calling the shots in a divorce. I should say, though, that my child was in "tender years" when we split, so it would have been very likely for the judge to agree with my request of the father making the trip for visitation if we had gone to court (which we did not). In your case, you should record and somehow prove that this father is emotionally neglectful (doesn't show affection to his child) or abusive (talks bad about you to your child etc..) so for your child to actually spend whole days and nights with him is simply WRONG. You need his money for this child but you want to avoid her being this man's punching bag, so try and lay out your rules for visitation (the dad comes in your house when you are around AS MANY TIMES AS HE WANTS - and you'll see they won't be many at all!), you never know, he may accept them. He could even use your rules as an excuse to NOT come visit as often. Which is something I hope you won't cry over, your daughter deserves better than this lousy father figure. Be bold and try your way. What have you got to lose? Just make sure you have a strong case against him in court in case you don't come up with an agreement. Good luck!

If you are already supporting your daughter on your own and you are doing ok and especially if you have family support, why rock the boat? You have time to make this decision, time for your daughter to get older and more able to take care of and defend herself if she has to go on visitations, and less chance he will be abusive. What I told my daughter is that her dad was young and afraid and not ready to be a father. She had visions of him being a knight who would come rescue her and be the daddy she always wanted. She finally met him when she turned 18, and it was nothing she imagined. She has thanked me for keeping that relationship at bay until she was an adult so that she didn't have to deal with certain things until she was old enough to handle it. There is a lot of garbage that goes along with a dad who doesn't love your child. Some people will never be parents and trying to force a relationship is only damaging to our children. Yes, the money would be helpful, but there is nothing scarier than having your child visit a parent in another state and not knowing if they are going to come home at the end of the visit. (And yes, money is a big deal for most men, who will push for custody or visitation of a child they don't want to reduce what they have to pay and to punish the mother.)
Good luck. This is a hard decision, but again, you have time to make it. Just realize that once you go forward and involve the court system, there usually is no turning back, so be sure.

You can take him to court and require that the visits be supervised at least for the first little bit. A judge will not make you send a child to another state at least not right off the bat. and it will be the fathers responsibility to get the child out to see him (pick him / her up and drop off) most of the time if the father has not been in the childs life at all chances are he will not make an effort to do all that to make visitation possible. good luck

When I found myself in this spot I went to the Lord and asked him to help me find a husband. Being married the last 26 years has not been a picnic. He's a good father and great grandfather to our little grandson. He gave my oldest his name as well. Her biological donor took off and didn't want anything to do with us.

I agree with Diane T. (from Yerington) 100%. I sent a flower to you Diane T., wish I could have sent many more.
Judy B., I have been in this situation. After weighing the pros and cons, I decided to raise my child on my own. Asking for financial help would have meant forcing a relationship between my child and a father that clearly was not interested. Had he wanted one, he knew where to find us. He is also the type that may have made my child's and my life difficult just for revenge for asking for financial help. No, it was not worth it to me. Think about it very well before you act. As Diane said, once you involve the court system, there usually is no turning back.

If I understand what you are saying and it is true it doesn't make sense. If he owes back child support and doesn't want anything to do with the child then why would he spend more money to fly the child out to him and have to support them. Men that don't want to support their kids do whatever it takes to lower the financial responsibility not increase it.

If you have never made him pay child support then that is a different animal. Not even sure you can go back for support but going forward he may use the threat of taking joint custody to try to get you to back down or lower his payments.

Really you don't know what he is going to do until you proceed.

I was in the same situation, My son calls my husband dad daddy ect. He knows his bio dad he lives in ga, we were never married. We (my son and I...Yes we were still together then) sent him back to GA in 08 to go to rehab for the lortabs he was abusing. Got out of rehab married and knocked up his BF's sister. She lost the baby and he divorced her.( all the while he left me our son and the dog and all his belongings, never ended our relationship) Ended up back in rehab and got out and stayed there and went to truck driving school. Got himself a big rig that he could drive to the west coast to see our son. He has only been here 3 times since Jan. Once he realized that I was about to get married to my husband the one our son calls dad/daddy he went back to ga and got a job that allows him to stay there. Got himself a GF. And mind you has not called since the last time he left. He has completely turned his back on our son! It breaks my heart to know that my son has had to let him in only to have him leave again (never again!). I too am very fearful if I take him back to court because he too will want him to be able to fly out there. Our son doesn't know anyone out there except his donor. I will under no circumstances allow him to go. So I have not taken him back to court and I don't think I will. He now has a father whom he adores and looks up too.
It takes a real man to be a father to someone elses child. In time you will find that for your son
I am sorry for your child as we as mothers never intended for our children to grow up being rejected from the other parent. Just give your little one lots of love! As he/she gets older they will know it was you that was always there.
Keep your head up mama your doing a great job!!!!

PS I too was raising my son alone for 4 years

If you are concerned that your child's bio-dad will be abusive to your child, then cut all ties and go it on your own.
You never married, so why have anything to do with somebody horrible who hates you?
He is happy in his life, and you could be too.
Find positive male role models for your child, and spend time with men who love you and will help you through life, not keep you scared, upset, etc. He has opted out, so pretend he's dead and carry on with your life. Go get counseling for your girl, there's plenty out there and financial assistance is available as well.