About to Pull My Hair Out...

Please know that there is no judgment in my response. I have not walked in a step-mothers shoes but I have had two. The first one did not consider my sister and I to be any part of her family just simply my fathers baggage. Needless to say that she and I did NOT have a very good relationship. Step-Mother1 caused many many problems in my family and hurt many many people. She also cause many issues between my father and I by making him choose us or her. 10 years later my father divorced her and finally re-married a woman who to this day treats my sister and I like we are her own. My father died 3 years into their marriage and yet 6 years later she is still very much a part of my life.
Being a step-parent is the HARDEST job in the WORLD, way beyond parenting because of the fact that you have all of the responsibility with out any of the clout. Can you take this boy into your home and love him as your own? I hope you can. It seems to me that maybe life with his mother is not very stable (any mother who would send her kids away for some man doesn't seems very capable to me). I understand your point about his mother should have arranged for him to see his brother but in times like that I think you have to be the adult...would it have really been that big of deal to have his brother over? How is that much different than any other friend? Also try and put yourself in your husbands shoes, would you worry about it making sense to let your child move in with you?
I would suggest having a serious talk with the hubby and making some lifestyle changes, ie. "going out a lot" so the work doesn't. If you guys do decide to let him move in..you may do some family counseling. It will be a big adjustment for everyone being in a new town. Good luck and no matter where he lives please for the sake of all of your children remember that he is just a product of this situation not the cause of it. He is a child and you are the adult. It's tempting and very difficult I'm sure to ensure that step-children are not punished for mistakes their parents made a very long time ago.

It sounds to me like you and your husband really need to sit down and talk ---- and that you need to make a decision on wether or not you are truly commited to this family you are a part of. It sounds like you are harboring a lot of feelings about the past, and your marriage cannot live in "the past". You have to live in the here and now.

It sounds in some ways that you are putting your husband in a "him vs us" position. Perhaps he didn't mention it b/c he knew you had strong feelings about it.

As far as stepsons brother - you wouldn't let him spend the night b/c he wasn't your husbands son - but if your stepson had asked a friend to spend the night - would you have let him?

I understand your feelings of sadness and betrayal -- but I think you have to change your perspective. Perhaps you feel like dh is making his son more important than you and ya'lls children -- and that must be painful if that is how you feel.

But I really think you need to take some time to really sit down and figure out what is really upsetting you, the both of you also need to talk about what is/isn't going on, and agree on terms.

It also sounds like you have some anger toward the stepson. You need to learn to let go of that -- he is not his mother, and the stress his mother has caused you is not his fault.

Perhaps you and dh should go to ya'lls church and go to marriage counseling.

I think you do have a right to feel betrayed if you feel that dh has been doing this all behind back - you certainly have a right to your feelings, and you should express that to dh and let him know that you would prefer he discuss things with you --- but remember -- if he does come to you to discuss something, don't let it turn into an arguement, make sure it remains a disucssion -- or he won't come to you in the future b/c he'll feel like it is going to turn into an arguement.

Again, I do understand your feelings of betrayal, but remember, we are in control of our feelings. Don't let that feeling rule you.

I think you need to let go of all the pain, betryal and resentment you feel and try to emotionally revisit the situation. Take some time for prayer and ask God to help you look at this situation w/ a pure heart and a pure mind so that you can truly evalutate what does/doesn't need to be done.

God Bless!

I just read this after reading your tummy issues. My guess is that you are also having issues because of all of the stress. When you married your husband it was for better or for worst. You married him along with everything about him. I do not agree with the boys mother, but you have to be the grown up here and take care of this child. You can be the light in his world to maybe stop the cycle of anger. I am sure you are feeling like you are not as important to your husband right now ~ I would be very mad at mine for going out and partying if I had twins at home and 2 other children to take care of alone. He is an adult too. The two of you should sit down and discuss what your expectations are and how you are feeling. No blame games, just pure and simple feelings. I am not sure how he will respond, but you need to let him know without yelling, name calling, or blaming. I can not imagine how your step son is feeling, but he is probably crying out for a mother figure to accept him for who he is and love him unconditionally. You would want that for your children, heaven forbid your relationship does not work...right?

WOAH!! You def have a tough decsion girl! Well, Hi there lady friend! I am a now "recently single" momma of 3. An 8yr old daughter and 7mo g/g twins! I've never been married yet know plenty of what it takes ect. in a marriage..from my own "relationship" experiences and other who were/are married. Anyway..my opinion is that you should "never" let children "your own or others or from previous partners" come between you and your spouse and your marriage together! That is easier said than done..I do know that. It's a choice and "decision" that you and your husband desperately "need" to make together! The bond between the two of you is what holds the foundation of your family together! So as you are witnessing and experiencing..when the two of you are not leveled than the rest of the family will start to fall apart too! It seems that what yall(from Tx can ya tell?..lol) need to do is talk talk talk thouroughly talk this out til yall can come to an agreement on the matter and what is best for your family unit.It seems as though yall are bummping heads too much and not trying to make the decision "together" enough!(that's one of my past flaws in my past relationship w my twins father) Try to help him see the logistics or non-logistics and the past mistakes of the situation when his son lived w yall before! And I also recommend that if he refuses to listen ...find someone like a family member (that agrees w you &sees rationally the problem at hand)or neighbor or friend to help him to see what this is doing to yall's marriage and family! Take caution choosing who to ask to talk with him though. Let it be someone you know you can trust not to turn their back on you instead! I would say to ask someone from your church..only you said he's not very open to that..well we all know as Christians though that God CAN do ANYTHING and ANYTHING is POSSIBLE w Christ who is our strength.+[so keep that in mind for sure]+ Phil 4:13+

Well, hope some of this has been help! How is it in Georgia anyhow?? I've often wondered what it's like there!
+God Bless.+

Oh Gina,
Someone told me once don't ask yourself if you should have married your husband after you have married him b/c by then it does not matter... your married. If you consider marriage a commitment for life your stuck with hubby. But hubby needs to do some serious changing. Going out a lot... lying to his son or at least misleading him... not good and yes, you are right to feel decieved. You had an agreement that he could not come back. I am a step-mom and I know that is hard. I feel you. Make a list of why he should not come live with you. (you sort of already have) and calmly have hubby sit down with you and you talk to him about all the things you listed above. I don't blame you for considering moving back to Dallas with just the kids but I don't know if that is best for everyone. Your not being trivial. If you present all the thoughts you have to hubby and he still insists on son coming you may just have to have him. But make sure he has rules set and chores and pulls his weight. Is he too young to get a job? Try your best to seperate your negative feelings towards his mother and your husbands past mistake with her and the child. The boy for some reason wants to be with you guys. Maybe there is a reason. This is all just off the top of my head. Hang in there. If you want to read some good advice go to jointhejourney.com and sign up for the daily devo.

Is this about you and your husbands relationship or about your stepson? Is this about you or the welfare of a child? I think you need to take a look at the big picture. What is best for the child? The child didn't ask to come into this world. I know it's hard - I just think you need to do what is best for the child. Even when we wants his brother to come spend the night. It sounds like you are trying to get back at your husband or punish your husband through the child. You need to search your heart about what is really going on. Only you have the real answer. Not what anyone else writes. You might consider going to Al-Anon. It's a great place to learn about healthy relationships and it is virtually free. They just ask for $1 per meeting. It's like free counceling. It will make you, a better you! It will help you to learn to be happy, healthy and free.

Gina, I am not really going to address the issue of you and your husband because you have just had 2 babies at once and with another one to take care of life can seem to be overwhelming. You don't make any major decisions in the midst of post partum delivery. I am not saying post partum depression, just that life is crazy any time you start adding more children into the mix of life. Emotionally you could be overwhelmed and it could look like your husband is the biggest jerk ever, but on the positive side he must love his son and y'alls children together. Try to seek a good marriage counselor for just someone to be neutral that could give you both some direction. I have had to carry the load of responsibility when I had our 4th child my husband just lost his job and therefore I was the sole income and still pretty much am, but you need to work together because your children including your step son who needs you to love him (it's not his fault who his parents are) and accept him into your family needs a good foundation to life not one of inconsistancy. A website that you could check out is www.lifechurch.tv. There are past messages on family, relationships and what's your vision that might could help you both. One husband is better than one x and one husband because you then get to worry over the step parents loving your kids the way you want them to.

Wow - girl - you've gotten alot of response to you posts! I can say - if you'd like to vent - email me. I agree with everyone - and all the advice in many ways.

I am a step mom. It is extremely difficult to seperate issues. It is also extremely hard to put everything aside when it comes to the mixed emotions in this situation. I do not care for my step-daughters mother AT ALL. But, I love my step-daughter. There are so many things that are issues in our house that stem from her mothers house it's not even funny - but we hav to deal with it - and like many have mentioned to you - same goes for me - I married him knowing she was part of the package. I'm in this situation for better or worse - richer or poorer - in sickness and in health. Just try to get through it - pray - and TALK TO EACH OTHER!!! I agree that this is the biggest key in holding your family together! If your step son wants to live with you - it's because maybe in his heart - he feels more loved there than the other - keep that in mind. Maybe in your "downfall" of a situation - it's better than what he has. Smile.

Gina, I really hate that you decided to marry him knowing he had a "pre-existing child." I cannot blame him for wanting his son, b/c a boy always need to be with their father to teach them... But you and your husband need to really need to have a long talk.. Talk about the fact that his " outings " need to be limited to once a mth, he also needs to search for a job that he an work during the day and be at home to help you at night.. You also don't need to treat him with any difference, b/c that will place a strain on your relationship with your husband and cause friction in the household.. I think y ou should also allow his brother to spend the night, like someone said " If he was a friend, would you allow him to spend the night." But the root of the problem is the support that you need to discuss with your husband.. but you can not and should not have that " choose us or him".. just always think how you would want someone to treat your kids if you divorced and remarried... Remember you do have children, and marriages aren't always forever... But I wish you guys clarity, understanding, and patience... Please talk with your husband about the expectations, sit down and really talk, not scream!

All of these responses have very good points to them and you should consider all of them. The stepson was here before you were. Whether you dated before the boy was born or not, you still married your husband knowing that there was another child to be considered. You cannot hold that against him now. It's kind of like a woman who has had here tubes tied that meets a man with no children. He knows she cannot have any children when he marries her. Yet after a couple of years he decides he DOES want children and now holds a grudge because she cannot.
It is not the boys fault and like others have said you should TRY and be the bigger person and just go with it. The son will ALWAYS be his son, no matter how much he gets on your nerves. I am a stepmother as well so I know how difficult that can be. Can't tell exactly how old the boy is but it looks like he's in mid-late teens??? He'll be grown soon anyway and responsible for himself.
However, if it is just too much to deal with, I would take his offer and come back to Dallas. There will be pros and cons whichever route you chose, but you are too young to be unhappy for the rest of your life.
I could go on and on, especially because I can relate to your feelings on the subject since I am partially in the same boat, but you will have lots more to read from others too so I'll stop...

You're walking a very slippery slope. He has every right to want his son to live with him, its his son. He probably only went behind your back because you've made it clear you aren't supportive. A man should never have to chose between his wife and his kids from a previous marriage. Take my advice (I've been exactly where you are and we got divorced because of it)- get counseling to learn how to blend families. He needs to understand that you can't be 100% responsible for his son, that since he wants him to live with you, he has to be there for him. Even if you're the best stepmom in the world, you're still not his biological mother and you'll never fill that position. However, you need to be understanding of his desire to want his son to come live. You shouldn't feel betrayed, in my opinion. If he felt supported by you in this, he wouldn't have to go talk to his son about it in secret. He has every right to love and want to parent his son. You should feel proud that he wants to do that! Its not always going to be easy. Stepparenting is harder than ANYONE will ever tell you but if you love him, you'll support his need to be a parent to ALL his children. But, get therapy for you both and for your stepson. It is essential. Blending families, as you have already seen, is extremely hard and delicate!! I will keep you in my prayers!