In Need of Good Advice...

Hi S.,
Well i'd tell him to act how every he wanted at work ,,but at home everyone is intitled to respect and if he did'nt agree to stasrt working on it and show he is ,,,,that he knows where the door is not to let it hit him in his butt in the way out,,,because what is going to happen when all the kids are gone for him to have fits with it will be you so get control now befor its to late
good luck L.

I'm sorry that this is happening...but I have found out that usually there is something else going on either money, work, etc stress that ends up taking the toll at home. The both of you really should be able to talk about anything. I have found out that if we go a while without alone time we start arguing over little things making them big!!!! We actually just had this conversation last night after a week of fighting back and forth. We agreed that we were not trying at the same time. Another thing is my dad got severly grumpy after me and my sister left home...to the point he had to start taking a small dose of antidepressents, which was wonderful. My mom was on the verge of divorce after 30 years of marriage. If he won't talk to you maybe he'll at least get to a doctor for help...not a counselor if he feels threatened by them.

Good luck...

I'm so sorry. Was the older boy favored by him? It seems like with him gone, your DH has decided to let let his demeaning and harmful attitude take over. Has his attitude toward you also changed?

I am speaking as someone who had a stepfather between the ages of 11-13 who was extremely degrading and abusive emotionally and mentally to the extent that it still affects my life to a certain extent, at 44. He thought he was always right and that it was his right to treat me the way he did. He would say several things to me everyday that stuck with me. One was "little girls should be seen and not heard." He also said that people only get to say so many words in their lives and then they can't talk anymore. Suprisingly somewhat at the age of 10, I still believed him and learned to not speak unless necessary. Consequently, I became shy and withdrawn. But enough about me.

I would explore the question if you and your son are better off with him or without him? I certainly don't advocate divorce and hope that it isn't necessary, but as a child who was in a similar situation I have to sympathize with your son. If you want to chat privately about this, feel free to send me a private message.

Edited to add this familiar verse for anyone who desires to read it (even if it isn't the first time):

CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE

If a child lives with criticism,
He learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
He learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
He learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame,
He learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
He learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
He learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
He learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
He learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
He learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
He learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and friendship,
He learns to find love in the world.

S.,
Wow! Interesting spectrum of answers and suggestions here. I have to agree that, even though children are sooo very important - it does not work without the parents being together and happy ~ so the marriage comes FIRST directly after God and THEN the children. Your husband probably does feel a seperation and, despite what other people carelessly regard as "only three years" that is actually a long time especially when you consider how much time that has been in your childrens lives. And that is only the amount of time you've been married - how long did your kids and he know one another before you married him? Makes it that much longer doesn't it?
My advice to you is to go by your instincts and keep working on it - you have valid concerns. My husband of 8 years left me specifically because of my two older boys and the differences in how we wanted to raise them. That leaves me to raise OUR now ten year old daughter without her father in the house and it REALLY SUCKS!!!!! Marriage is forever - divorce is for never. You both made promises so fight tooth and nail to work it out no matter what!
Best of luck - my prayers are with you - please keep us informed.
D.

It sounds like there is something else going on there. What was his relationship like with your other son who just moved out with his father? I don't have much advice, but you should start asking some major questions. Why all of a sudden did his disposition change towards your sons? Questions like that. I wish you the best. Pray on it. God will provide you an answer or insight.

S.,

I went through the same thing and no matter what I said, it didn't change anything. I asked him to change his approach. I tried to give him examples like, when your teaching you child how to tie his shoe. First you try the bonny hoping throught the hole and if that doesn't work your try the bonny ears. Maybe you can use fishing. Sometimes when you are fishing and you don't catch anything with your first lure and you keep trying a different lure till you find the one that that brings the fish. I also prayed alot. My husband finally appologized for his behavior.

S.-
Maybe your husband felt as though when your oldest son was there he was kinda a father figure to the younger kids. And that he really couldn't get on to them about anything? Now that he's gone, it seems to me as he has more freedom of not having another man in the house to step up to him?
You really should try and fix the situation before the other kids want to go live w/ dad too. (if that's even a possibility)

Good luck-
C.

Assuming he is the step father....buy this book:
"KEYS TO SUCCESSFUL STEP-FATHERING" by CARL PICKHARDT.

I am remarried and had some issues with my husband and my daughter. Go on Amazon. This booked was raved about by the people who purchased it and was said to be by far the best book for step fathers. It covers all relationships in the family: kids, mothers caught in the middle, ex-husbands, in laws, everyone.
If he doesn't want to read it, leave it in the bathroom for him:)

Always remember, as long as you have one child under the age of 18 living in your house, your responsibility and priority lies with the child first and foremost. So if hubby won't seek out help, seek out a lawyer!

S. your husband my be hurt because your son decided to move to his dads house. After he has been in his life for 3 years and such doing all the dad stuff he may feel that his son turned his back on him. I'm guessing that your ex hasnt been around alot and that it is hurting your husband to see your son choose his other dad before him.
You have a couple of things that you can do to help they are:
>counceling
>talking til your blue in your face telling him that your son is still young and just wants to live with his other dad for a while.
>leaving your husband
>trying to explain to your son how your husband is feeling and maybe they can talk one on one
>you may also try counceling for yourself to help with all the stress thats been put on you and then ask your husband and son to join you for a couple of sessions.

S., can he be feeling a lose for your other son? In other words, can he feel that after helping you raise your son for the past 3 years, that he just up and left to live with his dad and sort of left him in abandoned? I realize that your son has every right to move to live his life wherever he pleases, but maybe your husband is wondering where his thanks or appreciation is. That is all I can think of. I know I will personally be jumping and singing when my kids are headed out to lead great lives, so I am not sure where his anger can be stemming from. Maybe you and hubby need a little alone vacation for the weekend, so he can recall what the good ol' days were all about. Good luck!!!!!

I agree with the counseling. Sounds like some kind of issue with one of the sons moving in with his dad. Maybe your hubby feels like he did a lot of work with the son that moved out and this is the thanks he gets...he goes to live with the other guy!! Down deep your hubby is probably a little angry and confused about the son and will the other kids do that also.
My husband is also a stepfather to two of my children, and there is an undercurrant of competition between the two men. This is just my thoughts about your situation, but for sure, go see a counsellor. We have been to plenty and it always helps.
Hang in there and I really hope you can work this out.
Love and blessings,
D.

From on parent with older children to another it sounds like he got attached and is hurt that they felt an attachment to their father.He does not want to be hurt again when they leave the nest. This is my first impression from what you said. Let him know that you are there and will not leave like they do. Just like baby birds will leave they will also to grow and learn for themselves. Good luck do not like the in the middle either.

Well, this seems to correlate with the "real dad" coming in and taking one boy away. I don't know how long this new dad has been in the picture, how involved the first dad was after his departure from the family, or how your new family used to interact, but it seems to me that he may very well be thinking "well, if their real dad's just going to come back and take them away from me, when he was never around before, why should I invest my time, efforts, and emotions for them to be taken away at the drop of a hat." He is more than likely hurt that the one left and wants to avoid that happening again. All I can say is try to sit down with him privately and calmly discuss why he suddenly feels like he needs to treat your boys differently, is there something wrong? Don't accuse him of anything, just ask what's the matter. If it doesn't work, try to keep them separated a little bit until he gets this out of his system.

Dear S.,

We sometimes look forward to the day when our children grow up and move out of the house and go to college, get a job or get married, but we are rarely ready for the emotional impact, especially when it happens all of a sudden, and the house is silent without them. I have a daughter who got married and moved out of state to go to college and who lived with her inlaws. I also buried my mother a week before her wedding, so I felt I lost 2 women in my life in a week's time. Letting go of children is one of the stages of life we have to go through, like it or not. Your husband needs a little TLC from you at this time and with your help he can hopefully sort out the fact that life is built on relationships. Relationships are all we have in the end when we go on to our reward, and done well, that's all we will need. You are the mother of the family and that is the center of unconditional love, peace and harmony. Men need to learn this one way or another, what women instinctively already know...love and forget it, don't expect equal love in return, but it will come back to you eventually. There is a small book I read once and I like the
principles. It's called the Four Agreements. The 4 agreements are:
1. Be impeccable with your word.
Words have immeasurable power, so use them with care. Say only what you mean, and remember your opinion isn’t fact. Silence is better than saying something you’ll regret.
2. Don’t take anything personally.
Here I’ll quote the book, “Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves.” Their stuff has nothing to do with your stuff, and assuming you’re the root cause of someone’s behavior is not only self-centered, it’s also a big waste of energy.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
You can spend hours generating theories about why someone did something, or you can just ask. When someone lashes or does something unexpected, save time by seeking clarification.
4. Do your best.
Do the best you can with the conflict in front of you, and you won’t need to waste brain power on self-judgements or regrets.

If you can keep these guidelines in mind, you can always diffuse a situation.
* Resolution comes more quickly because you ask for clarification instead of jumping to conclusions.
* You reduce time lost to stress because you don’t feel personally responsible for the other person’s anxiety or anger.
* Initial conflict often turns into a productive conversation and leads to a deeper relationship, because you come from a more compassionate place.
* You ideally come away without regrets, having resolved the situation instead of escalating it.
Sorry for the long quotes, but I hope you can be the center of love to solve this situation. Try it and see what happens! All the best,
Mama K. , Mother of children 24,22,19, and 15

Dear S.,
Since you are interested in counseling, you and your sons go. It is not necessary for the whole family to attend in order for those who participate to feel better. Your husband may be concerned that the counselor will blame everything on him or encourage you to divorce him. Both you and your sons will have the benefit of having someone objective "listen and hear" (not the same)what they are feeling. It is amazing when someone hears what you are trying to convey and is not there to argue or put you on the defensive. Not everybody is skilled at recognizing and expressing their feelings accurately. The therapist will give you all ideas on how you could respond in a more effective way. Begin immediately for the sake of your whole family. You will all find that you didn't know things about each other that you thought you did.
With love and encouragement, C.

Several things come into play here. How much association with the biological father have the boys had these past three years. Was there any association between the two men? How far in advance did you know your son would be moving? What kind of relationship did your son who left and the two who are still with you have with the step-father? Is your ex going to send the boy to college and pay all of the expenses? Have you had any communication from your son since he left? AS his mother, have you tried to explain to him that he should write his step-father a long, personal letter thanking him for these last years and his contribution/influence on his life? If your husband's attitude changed when the boy left, he is taking it as a personal rejection and building a wall against it happening again. There's a lot going on here and your best bet is to get to a counselor.

You mentioned that your oldest son went to live with his "real" dad after graduation, are the other sons at home the bio sons of your present husband? If not then you need to stand up for how your husband is treating your sons, because they were a part of your life first before this man came on the scene. You might need to take a step back and really look at the situation as a whole because both are going to be looking at you seeing which side you are going to be on and unfortunately in this situation a decision needs to be made. Hopefully your motherly instincts will kick in!

If you are in a position to make it on your own, give him an ultimatum to go to counseling or you are leaving. Hopefully that will be what he needs to change. If he says "Go" than maybe it would be the better alternative? I also do not typically in divorce, due to the affect it has on the kids, but if he is truly mistreating your kids, you have to put them first.

That being said, a lot of teens are spoiled, and if he is just being a stict disciplinarian (you know in your heart if you are the too "easy" parent) don't let yourself take it personally if he is trying to raise them to be responsible, hard workers. If he is just taking out frustrations on them, or acting on a power trip for no reason, that is a different story.

Was he very different when you married him? I have a grumpy husband too, but there is a difference between a no-nonsense, but loving at the core guy, and a mean, bitter guy. Only you can know the difference.

See if anyone he respects (brother in law maybe?) other than you can talk to him about counseling. Do what you can to get him in there. I know my husband won't go either (he does not express himself well and thinks I'll talk circles around him) So far it has not been a necessity, but I know how frustrating it is.

Take care and try to talk maybe to someone at church, if you go to one?

Good luck.

I would say keep the sons and get rid of the grumpy husband..... after all he's only been your husband for three years.

Short and to the point.....Get rid of him. By disrespecting
your boys, he's disrespecting you. It's obvious he doesn't
want any help so he can't be helped.

Cut your loses and make this your third and final year. Your
boys need to know that their mother will always put them first.
Now you just need to prove it!

Hey S.,
I have been a single mother of 3 boys(ages 14, 17, 20) for 14 years. They have somewhat of a relationship with their dad. It actually gets better the older they ALL get. However, he too, treats them as if they worked for him. In fact one day he said,"I talk to the guys at work like this and I am know different after work." You got that right!!! Any how, you are having to be the mediator between everyone and I know that is exhausting. I would seek some wise counsel from someone, but I would not give your husband an ultimatum right now. Utilmatums don't work on everyone and it could just make him more angry. It sounds like he just started acting this way. Is this correct? If so, perhaps he got jealous that your son moved out. Just a thought. I would stay in close communication with your sons and in the meantime, try and not say another word about it to your husband until you really know what to do. It will just make him more upset. It's the "pride" thing, which is not good. Plus, it's hard on you constantly having to say something to him. I am not encouraging you to become passive, but to "be still" until you know the next move. I truly feel for you because when I first met my boyfriend, he came on very strong with my boys. He was overly authorative, which really turned my boys off. This was 8 years ago and I was a constant mediator and constantly drained from it. The advantage I had and still have is that we are not married, nor do we live under the same roof. I had finally had enough and tore him apart, not in a viscous way, but in away that let him know I mean serious business. Long story short, he has backed off after 8 years, but sometimes it seems he backed off way to much. Gee, where is the balance? He has 2 children and we do just fine because I did not try and play the "mom" role. I simply remain their friend and we have a great relationship. Just keeping seeking counsel, even if you have to do it without him so you can remain as the level headed one. Keep loving your son's as you do and know the storm will pass! I am sending you a video that you have got to watch and you may want to share it with your husband,. Pay close attention to the end. It wowed me and put a new song of hope in my heart. Blessings and Be Encouraged!

READ STORY FIRST – It is the most inspiring video I have ever seen in my entire life.

A son asked his father, 'Dad, will you take part in a marathon with
me?'. The father who, despite having a heart condition, says 'Yes'.
They went on to complete the marathon together. Father and son went on
to join other marathons, the father always saying 'Yes' to his son's
request of going through the race together. One day, the son asked his
father, 'Dad, let's join the Ironman together.' To which, his father
said 'Yes' too.

For those who don't know, Ironman is the toughest triathlon ever.
The race encompasses three endurance events of a 2.4 mile (3.86
kilometer) ocean swim, followed by a 112 mile (180.2 kilometer) bike
ride, and ending with a 26.2 mile (42.195 kilometer) marathon along the
coast of the Big Island . Father and son went on to complete the race
together.
Please note the ending scripture and believe.

NOW WATCH THIS VIDEO:

http://www.godtube.com/view_video.php?viewkey=8cf08faca5d...

Is there some history of problems or another issue that's underneath the surface? I've found that family issues usually do not just appear out of thin air, but are likely an accumulation of events. Think about any background info that may be related, it may shed some light on the problem.

Dear S.,

I am so sorry to hear about your problem. As far as I'm concerned, my children are my #1 priority - no matter what!
If he doesn't want to go to counseling then take the boys & go
by yourselves. It may do them some good. There's never an
excuse for a child to be treated that way. You sure don't want them to end up just like him. Showing a little love can
go a long way. Pray (for him too) alot - it does work. I'll
say prayer for you too! Good luck!

C.

In responce to what others are saying. God is foremost first. Putting him first will allow him to disolve problems in your life. The kids were in your life before you took on this husband. Normally your marriage is suppose to first after God it helps the kids know you are one which will let them see that they can't manipulate you and it also allows them to feel secure in knowing that mom and dad are a rock a tower, I can't over throw them, they feel a since of being secure as well because of this because you have their best interest at heart. With this being said that tower was already knocked over when their parents split. Its good that you are standing up for your kids, because if your husband is in the wrong they will only resent you for it for years to come. If your husband is disciplining in love then when you fall by his side your kids would feel protective. Instead it sounds like he has some issues that is bothering him and a vicious cycle is revolving instead of anything possitive coming from this. Its good that you recognize this your kids will appreciate you for considering their well being. Your husband needs to come together with you on this so yall can be that tower of security or the opposite will naturally occur. Playing yall against each other, anger, leaving to go live with dad ect. Good luck to you.
t

I hate it when husbands are grumpy!!LOL! but living that right now as I type! Anyway, not knowing that much about your situation, my thought is that maybe your husband felt betrayed when the older child left to go to his dad's on the very night of graduation! Maybe he was so hurt to see him go that he doesn't want to feel that way again when the other two leave so he is putting up barriers to protect himself? Men can be really weird when it comes to the children of their wife and especially the dad of the children. No kidding dealing with that today! Anyway, it's just a thought for you to consider, best of luck!

Hi S. - If he won't go to counseling, you have two choices - take your boys and leave (they are your priority and rank way over a husband of 3 years) or allow your boys to leave and live with their father. They are watching him everyday and learning to be a father and a husband, if your new husband is not the role model that you would want your boys to follow then they need to know. Tell them that you do not approve of how he is behaving - I would tell them in front of him since it sounds like you have already spoke to him and he is refusing to change. If you think his behavior is causing problems with your marriage - imagine what type of problems it is causing with your boys and with the relationship that you have with them. Blended families often do not work and children should always come first. Let your boys know that they are the most important thing to you and that you will not stand for them to be treated poorly - they will grow into fantastic husbands and fathers!

Good Luck!

I think it's great your seeking advice on this. I'm glad that your not excepting what's happening to your boys. I remember my dad never caring if my step mom was mean to me. I'm grown with my own family now and our relationship still suffers because of it.
Also,
I see that someone responded to you that marriage comes FIRST before God. I just don't belive that is so. That sort of reasoning comes from insecurity. Your children come first and foremost, they are your responsibility. As long as your husband is receiving your love as well, then there should be no reason for him to act out this way. It is very childish. I commend you for submitting your request for advice on the subject.

S., I am sorry that you and your family are going through this ordeal. You need to sit down and talk to him when the boys are not around and once he is calm ask what is the matter? You know your husband more than anyone he has to have a soft side. Let him know that you are concerned and want to help in anyway you can. Let him know that you love him and that you appreciate him in everyway. If he still does not want to talk then let him know that your marriage might not work. You have every right to know what the matter is. Communication is the key.

My husband and I had problems and thanks to counseling we are still together and very happy. If you ever convince your husband to go to counseling let me know and I will give you the information to the counselor we went to.

Good luck,
Elisa

Whatever you do, don't boss your husband. Calmly let him know how the sons are feeling with this new attitude. Advise him on how much you respect him and how much the boys do too. Without interrogating defensively, as we women do, find out why he has changed. What are his motives? He could be hurt and resent the fact that the other son left. Or, could see some mistakes he's made and he's trying to make up for it. No matter what the reason, I'm sure it's not ill-intended. Stay focused on treating him respectfully when you talk to him and he'll eventually respond to you. Give him time to think about things you've said. He probably won't respond well if you put him on the spot. It is also possible that he is upset with you about something and is taking it out on the kids. My husband did that. He's frustrated and may not even understand why. Be patient with him, but continue to try to talk to him and reason with him. Just do so without accusing or disrespecting him. And, don't make him feel that you are siding with your sons. If he feels second-rate, he will act out. I'm sorry for your troubles.

My son was killed in an auto accident when my daughter-in-law was two months pregnant with my granddaughter. When my granddaughter was five she remarried. Her husband was very verbally abusive. No child should ever have to go through that. My granddaughter is grown with children of her own,but there are times when her tears flow remembering her childhood. You have an obligation to protect your sons. Do not be blinded to their faults either. You really do need to go for counceling for all of your sakes. Your husband doesn't want anyone to know you have problems? Yet it appears he is causing the problems. If you follow his wishes your sons are the losers.

Hi S.,
Wow do I know how you feel! When my husband and I first moved in together he was great with my son but as time went on he began nitpicking at him for everything!!!! shoes in the tv room,a dirty dish, clothes on the floor, and on and on. Needless to say my husband was guilty of the same things and sometimes worse.
My husband also used to run a big company and tends to hover over us to keep us in line it feels like. I finally had it and had a very firm conversation with him about us not being his emplayees and if he didn't have something nice to say, to say nothing.
As far as my son went he was not to boss him AT ALL I pointed out that I had raised him this far and I will do fine from here. My son was starting to resent both of us, my husband for being so overbearing and me for putting him in the situation.
I came accross a website that helps ADD and ADHD kids the founder is Kirk Martin he is wonderful and teaches kids how to deal with their problems and he is great at teaching dads how to better deal with their kids. Your kids may not be ADHD but all the principles he teaches work for anyone having problems. He sends out weekly newsletters that hit on alot of different areas and I would foreward them to my husband, lately he replies saying point well taken THANKS.
I can't even believe he reads it let alone takes it to heart. Kirk has a great way of putting things.
Contact Kirk and let him know your problem maby he can help I know he has helped us.
S. you need to stand up to your husband and tell him you will knot allow him to treat the boys like this and if he doesn't stop you should concider making other arrangements because your children will always resent you and become bitter as a result.
reach Kirk Martin at www.celebratecalm.com
Good luck
W.