Abirthday Party Let Downansand

This is my honest impression: you seem pretty high maintenance. I would not be happy if my sibling local to grandma took grandma away from holliday visiting plans for a birthday party. I never expect any family member so stop their lives for a birthday celebration. If you were planning a huge party from way back when and made a point of getting your family to save the date, because this was going to be a special out of the ordinary birthday party, thats one thing. But to assume everyone is going to stick around for a birthday in the middle of the most busy, festive, time of the year is a little ridiculous. FYI my daughter's birthday is in mid december. I never assume that grandparents and aunties (who are local and always game to be their for their nieces celebrations), will be available in December with all the christmas parties and out of town family to see. If everyone had made other plans, we'd be fine celebrating with just our family. I don't think everyone needs to revolve around my child when they have other grandchildren, family, and lives to tend to. Especially to put off seeing out of town grandchildren to stick around for yet another special event for a local grandchild.

First birthday I would be hurt. He is 12. They made plans. Let it go. I am assuming the party is with his friends right. Really not something to get worked up about. There is next year. Don't hold it against everyone. Life is way too short.

Did you make other plans for Christmas as payback. IMO Christmas is way more important to be together.

At 12 he should be having his party with his friends. A family birthday party is actually something that sort of is gone by this age. Even if he does have a big party, the other family members shouldn't expect to even be invited.

I guess it's nice he wants them there. I suggest you have a family birthday party for him the weekend before his birthday so they can see him and make him happy.

I think on his actual day though that a birthday party should be for only kids his age or pretty close to his age. Maybe some kids in the neighborhood that are close to him.

I understand you're hurt but he's too old to be having a birthday party with relatives.

As much as I don't like to acknowledge this, it means less and less to me to be in attendance at these parties as the kids get older. I would probably never miss the first few years ('til 5?) and then taper off until the milestone birthdays--10, 13, 16, 18, 21, 25. Then, I would make appearances but not necessarily plan to stay. As an adult, I don't enjoy hanging out with groups of kids. It's cute when they're 3, not so much at 9.

It can be annoying to learn that your commitment is not always reciprocated. I see three options that you have: 1. You can live in an annoyed state and let it eat at you. 2. You can let this knowledge (of who you're dealing with) free you from the obligation to be present for everyone. 3. You can base what you do and who you are on YOU and not them, and just show up when and where you want to show up and not think in terms of reciprocation.

I had to learn this lesson with my in-laws when I got married. I always felt obligated to show up for them, and they didn't feel the same level of obligation toward me. I took it personally, and it caused stress for nobody but me, a bit for my husband (because I was tugging at him).

maybe i'm odd. i'm just a little surprised that all family members are expected to be at all kids' birthday parties. i always had 'friend' parties for my kids, and family members could show up for that if they wanted, or celebrate in small ways the next time they saw them, or not at all. the grandparents always remembered to do *something* when the boys were smaller, but i rarely attended niece and nephew parties and my brothers rarely if ever came to my kids' stuff.
i'd focus on making my expectations more realistic.
if you feel you are too much at your family's beck and call, that's really another matter. but expecting them to change adult vacations and plans to work around a child's birthday party (a kid is much more interested in his friends) seems a little much.
if you don't make a big deal about their not showing, your kid won't either.
khairete
S.

I am sorry for your son and you. I love having family at my kids parties. I used to get really hurt by this aslo. Your so good and it seems they putting themselves first. Maybe you should do the same. Me being me when thier Birthdays come around I would not be so available.

Your son is 12 and it is his birthday. His birthday at 12 should be more about his friends than family. Yes family is important but it shouldn't be the end of the world if his grandmother and adult cousin won't be there.

I would encourage you to make this more about celebrating him over lamenting over who won't be there with you to celebrate him.

Why exactly are you hurt? That would be a good place to begin to deal with your feelings and come to grips with them. The tension you are experiencing with your family is probably because you have unrealistic expectations for them which aren't getting met. Such is life. I would learn how to make lemonade out of the lemons life is handing you right now. Remember you son is learning from you how to handle life's disappointments. Teach him well as you learn how to better adjust to grown people not falling in line with your plans for their lives.

S.,

I am so sorry. I know that really hurts your feelings and even more it hurts when your children hurt. Give your son a big birthday hug and then set up a time to talk with your mom and your cousin another time. Tell them how they made you feel and let them know it was hurtful. Hang in there and don't let this spoil the holidays or your son's birthday. GL

It sucks when you are there for others, but they aren't there for you.

Just know, there's a special place in heaven for people like you.

You don't HAVE to be a doormat. You can start saying "no."

You can also tell people how you feel in an honest, but tactful way. You can say "I was really hurt that you missed my son's birthday party when he really wanted you to be there. He's 12 and I know in a few years he's going to just want friends so it was important to me that you attend while he's young. I know you had plans, and it's over and there isn't anything you can do to change it. However, I just wanted to tell you how I was feeling and let me know if there is anything I can do in the future to make the party more convenient for you."

Perhaps they can take your son out for a small belated birthday celebration later on?

If you don't tell people how you feel, they'll never know. Some people are just selfish and they only think of themselves unless it's pointed out to them. So you must become more vocal.

Good luck! You are a wonderful mom, daughter and auntie. Like I said, there is a special place for you :) I'm sure your dad is proud!

If you do have other plans for Christmas, then let them know about them without regret or apology, just make sure you send a super nice care package for the five year old who wants to spend his halloween with you. If you don't have other plans for Christmas, now if the time to consider making them. You can not change anything about your family, you can only change how you react to them. I've had to distance myself from my family for years, and I can tell you it is hard and it hurts but it is the best thing for me and my children. Instead we spend time with my husband's family and we do alot of charitable work helping those less fortunate. For your mom who uses you non stop but is not available for you - just say no. Send her the information for a couple of services that can do the errands she needs. When she calls for help with her benifits, give her the name of the free legal center's closest to you, or the name of a local attorney. Indicate, "you know I would really love to help you but I have to do X and no I can't change my plans to accomodate you, perhaps you should call Y for assistance".

I'm coming late to your post, and though I haven't read the other posts yet, I don't think that you are high maintenance at all. I don't "get" why someone would think that.

I DO however, agree with what you said in your SWH about being far too willing to "do" for people who don't seem to appreciate you. You do need to say no a lot more now. When you are too busy and your mom calls and wants something done that can easily wait, you need to say you have other plans. Parrot back exactly what she said to you, like "it's a good time for me to travel." Shame on her for dissing her grandson. She will be lucky if he will make time for her as an older teen - and you should tell her that, too. She needs to miss you and your family a little, S.. Sometimes family takes members for granted when they are too "accessible". Same thing applies to this aunt who thought going to drink with her friends was more important than her nephew.

You should limit your Christmas celebrations with them this year. They need to understand on SOME level that they made poor choices.

Oh, and PS - next year, send out emails that say "save the date" for parties. Do it at least a month in advance.

Dawn

Your son in 12 and would probably prefer a kid party minus all the relatives. Did you ask him?

So... let me see if I have this straight. You didn't tell your family the dates of your party, you just expected them to know when you were going to hold it. You didn't tell your cousin you would like her to be there because you would need help, you just expected her to know that you would? And you expect your sister to come from out of state for your son's 12th birthday party?

First, people can't read minds. No matter how close you are, it's not reasonable to expect that your relatives will know event dates and your expectations of them if you don't tell them. Second, how important is it to a 12 year old that his adult female relatives be at his party - particularly those from out of state? Most kids just want a party with friends at that age. Is it his disappointment or yours?

Regardless, he is old enough to learn that stuff sometimes happens - not everyone can be at every event we want them to be at - and we miss them, but we move on.

As for doing so much for them... only you can set those limits. I encourage you to think about what's enough and what's too much. Good luck and take care.

If they have other plans..then they have other plans.

If you have other plans...then you have other plans.

As crappy as it is, it does happen. Sure they should have been a little more.. tactful/thoughtful, but it does happen. Even in the closes, most loving families.

Enjoy the party with the people who will be there and remember at the end of the day, it is their loss.

A little from the other side: I live out of state from my family. My sister lived very close to my mom and dad. Every nieces birthday they were there. Every award the were there. Every play, every pagent, every special day at school. I got squat. If they happen to come down around our kids birthday then we had the party with them. We always made our way to their house during at least one holiday.
If that's the case with you, then build a bridge and get over it.

I just read this and it mad me so sick, how the people who are supposed to be there for you aren't, they have serious issues ,but they have to live with themselves , you sweetie are hurt but don't let them see that , you go to that xmas party and you be courteous and kind to everyone, because that's what people with class do. and you have it, goodluck and godbless, and my I say your son has a wonderful mother:)