A Good Friend's Mother Just Passed. How Can I Help Her?

Hi W..
You are such a thoughtful friend, she is lucky to have you. My mom passed almost 2 years ago when I was 30. Here are a few things that might help:

- no flowers, they die and have to be cleaned up
- a plant for the house or yard that she can think of her mom when she sees it
- meals - don't even ask, just take them over
- ask her about her mom, people tend to think that it is easier on the person if they don't mention it. or that they will be sad if they bring it up. she will always be thinking about her mom, and it's nice when people acknowledge that and want to talk about her. let her know she doesn't have to, but I bet she will.
- birthdays, holidays, mother's day, her wedding, when her babies are born, all of these are going to be hard for her. even if you just sent her an email saying you know she will be missing her mom that day. i don't know if the grieving ever ends, but most friends forget that the person is still grieving for a long time.
- don't say she is in a better place or anything like that. that was always really annoying to me. i truly believe that my mom is with me everyday, but it doesn't make me miss her any less
- this one is weird...she could see a medium/psychic. a friend told me about this and i was very skeptical. i ended up going and it was amazing. not for everyone, but just a thought. maybe not for right now, but in 6 months or so

You are a great friend and she is lucky to have you.

Everyone grieves differently. Let her know just what you posted. That you are there for her and ask what she needs. When my mother passed away, my brother and sister and I supported each other. None of us wanted the pity or to talk in great length about how we were feeling with others. We are Scottish :) However, some people need to talk it out with everyone. It was the gentle acceptance of my grief that helped me most. Time will be the healer.

Bless you, W.--- I've lost both my parents ( not unusual for someone in their mid-60s--- which I am ) --- and you've already done the most important thing- you've said both in words and in '''body langauge'' ( by calling her- by setting up support for your kids so you CAN take time for her when she's back )---- 'you are my friend- I see how hard and painful this must be- and I will walk with you as best I can''' --. Here are some ideas:

If she has a garden-- buy a tree - something that will bloom this time of year that she likes - -- or a bush like Azalea or --- a good gardening store can help . If she doesn't have space --- is there a church or other permanent place that she likes that the tree/shrub could be planted?
If she cares very much about charity- the homeless- poor children around the world--- something really nice could be given ( like a goat to a family in Darfur ) through World Concern in her name
If she loves books ( certainly many law-types are very cerebral) --- perhaps books could be donated to Childrens' Hospital - or the nursing home/hospital where her mother received service ( if it was good -- and I pray it was) -- might receive some lovely book in her Moms' memory--- what matters is that she knows that you see how important it is that her Mother may have left THIS world- but remains a shining light through loving and generous gestures. Hope some of this '''rings a bell'' for you--- you're a wonderful friend--- your friend is fortunate.

Blessings,
J.
aka- Old Mom

Hi W.,

First of all, I am so glad your friend has you in her life, even if you have drifted apart a bit over the last few years. A friend such as yourself is such a blessing in a time of sorrow.

I have to echo what Judy has said. (As a side note, I find myself doing that a lot, she is such a wise woman! Listen to her!) One idea that Judy mentioned that I really liked was buying a plant or tree and planting it in her yard in her mother's honor. Another twist on that is if she doesn't have a yard, but you do, perhaps you and she could pick out a plant for your yard. Then, whenever she wanted to come over and spend time with the tree/plant, and think of her mom and be with someone supportive, she could.

You mentioned she doesn't have family in this area. Maybe when she returns, you could offer to cook and bring her meals once a week for a few weeks until she feels like she's back on her feet. I've done that for friends of mine in similar cirumstances, and they've told me how much they've appreciated the support and thougthfulness long after other people have moved on and other support has dried up.

As I'm sure you know, there is no time frame on grieving, especially when it comes to the loss of a parent, so one of the things you can do in the months to come is to just keep checking in with your friend. Often times, support is there in the immediate times after a death, but after a few weeks, the cards, notes, and support can taper off, sometimes leaving the grieving feeling sort of lost. People don't mean to not be supportive, but often we get caught up in our lives, and without meaning to, we sort of forget to drop a note in the mail, or we keep meaning to call but we get distracted by our kids or something comes up or....you know what I mean. That continuing support can mean so much to someone like your friend.

The best thing you can do is be there to let her talk things out (or not, as the case may be), to cry, or just sit in silence with her. If you're ever not sure what she needs, you can ask her. Sometimes, those of use who are grieving may have very specific needs, but hesitate to ask. Don't be surprised though, if she tells you she doesn't know what she needs; that's ok too. Just be present with her, and if you don't know what to say or do, that's ok...just being there with her may help more than you know.

Again, your friend is lucky to have a supportive friend like you. Blessings on you for looking for ways to support her.

Both of my parents died within a couple of weeks of each other. I'm also in my 60's and expected their death. One thing that I would add to Judy's and Megan's posts is for you to take the initiative in calling her to just talk and/or listen or to invite her to get out and do things. Without my friends doing that for me I would've stayed home. I knew I could call friends but I didn't. I couldn't think of anything I wanted to do, either. I just felt blah, no energy and not much of an appetite.

Several friends asked how they could help. I didn't have an answer for that, either. Now that time has passed I would say call me because I won't be emotionally able to call you. Invite me to go places with you. Go out with me to eat or bring me some tasty dish. I had not much of an appetite.

Ask her about her lunch time at work. If she eats out suggest that you'd be glad to join her once in awhile. If she packs a lunch tell her you'd like to pack a lunch for her once a week or bake cookies for her to add to her lunch. If there's a park nearby take a lunch and sit in the park. Another idea is to make a extra when you cook for your familly and freeze a portion for her and her husband.

I love to shop. When my friends husband died I offered to do her shopping for her. (her husband had done the shopping) She was so glad. She would give me a list making sure to include brands if that was important for her. Sometimes she e-mailed the list.

Fotunately my closest friend, who had lost her mother the year before did call me often and we ate out often.

Back when I was in my 30's and single I enjoyed spediing time with a friend and her children.

W.,

I lost my mom almost 6 years ago. Shortly after my mom died three of my close girlfriends delivered a basket filled with personalized things they had each bought or made for me (cd's, candy, bible verses, framed picture of my mom and me together...). It meant the world to me that they cared and were there to listen. Another friend noted the day my mom died and called or sent a card each year on the day. Find out her mom's birthday too. Birthdays and holidays can be difficult. You could ask what her mom's favorite flower, dessert, dvd, or tea was and send her one of those things each year on her mom's birthday. Hope this helps.

Hi W.,

I lost my mom very suddenly a couple of years ago. She was only 60 years old and had a sudden heart attack. You are right. Losing a parent is ONE of the hardest things a person will go through and no amount of planning can help. It just hits hard.

What most helped me were the people that simply "did" whatever they desired. Those that asked what they could do were not the ones that ultimately helped because I couldn't say what I needed. The people that made a difference were those that showed up at my door with food to feed me and my family, along with hugs and kind words. It meant so much to me when my close friends actually attended my mom's memorial (perhaps not an option for you, but what's important is that they showed they truly cared and remembered my mom). The most special gift I received was a grove of trees purchased from Friends of Trees. They have a memorial tree ceremony where we had the chance to remember our loved one and plant the trees that were purchased in honor of my mom. I can still visit those trees, and the thought that they are living to give oxygen to the world brought me comfort. And it still does. The other memorable gift was a plant. In my opinion plans are far better than flowers. Flowers die and I didn't want to see anything else dying.

It's wonderful that you are seeking ways to help your friend. Do whatever your heart tells you to do and don't ask your friend. Just do it.

Best wishes,
T.

I would suggest a standing coffee date with your friend... every Wednesday at five pm or something like that. Keep at it throughout the summer and longer if possible. My friend's husband died in a car crash a few years back and she said a bit of support over many weeks was better than a huge amopunt initially, then none at all. A phone call here and there helps too, just to let her know you're there for her. I think she's very lucky to have a good friend like you who is concerned about her needs.

You may have to listen , listen, listen. There are always regrets, hurts unresolved,, etc.

I have recently had the idea of buying a charm bracelet with two charms engraved as a memorial that can be worn and grown with time.

i was touched by your post. because i just lost my mom in jan. i have to say this kind of thing shows you who your real friends are. it is devastating, and unless you have been through you cant imagine. so i appreciate that you are trying to be there for her. but she has to tell you what she needs. everyone is different. i wanted to be surrounded by my friends and wanted people to call me frequently. some people want to be left alone. you just have to ask. what was really nice is that people brought food. strangely enough. it was comforting and something i didnt want to think about. it is a somewhat old fashioned gesture, but nice. just be there for her. everyone said to me that whatever i needed i should just ask. but you cant. at times i didnt even know what i needed. offer to take her kids. get the house cleaned. maybe making suggestions will help her tell you what she needs. good luck.

My sisters and i are presently going through this journey. What we have found that has meant alot is a meal just dropped by unexpectedly, a phone call, a boquet of flowers, or the most important just a hug that says I care. At first there are lots of people who say call me but for alot its just words. Show her by your actions that you mean what you say. that you truly care. Send her a card thats says you care and that you are there for her. Just stay in there for the long haul. Make certain on Holidays she has a place to go.
Right now we are in the process of going through are mothers things to sell her house. A bitter sweet experience. Its a long hard road even we you know that the person is no longer suffering. That not be able to pick up the phone and talk to your mom after a hard day is the worse.
Also don't have everything revolve around the grief. Share your life and its comings and goings. It will make her feel that this is the normal friendship you have always had. The day she flies in stop by just to let her know you are truly there for her.
Good luck.

W., What a wonderful friend you are! My sister was killed by a wreckless driver and I know how grief feels. I am also a counselor.

Things to do to help:
-Bring food to her house
-Hand her glasses of water
(I say this because I actually forgot to eat and drink.)
-Listen.
-Be careful not to ask too many questions because it may be difficult to talk about it. When you think of a question go with your gut feeling and pray about it before you say it. God will guide you.
-Saying, "I'm so sorry about your loss or she/he is in a better place now" can actually make the person feel worse especially if too many people say it in a day, especially if the person says it real quick and then proceeds to do something else. This was happening to me at work and it was heart breaking. I was actually traumatized at the amount of people saying this to me. It got so bad that I could not go back to work and I left.
-Help her with the kids
-Don't remind her that you have not experienced this.
-Look into her eyes and listen a lot.
-Be there when she opens up to talk.
-Give her time alone if she needs it.
-Don't wait for her to say what she needs because she probably won't tell you. She probably can't even think clearly. Just look around and see what's needed and do it without her asking.
-I'm not sure if I would let her know that I posted this because she is already overwhelmed with feelings. Telling her this and waiting for a response is just more stress for her, but everyone is different. That's just how I would feel, but not everyone is like me.
-For me, time was not a healer. Believing that God has my sister's spirit and I will see her again helps me have hope that I can see her again. This faith is the only thing that helps me. I don't think "heal" is the right word for my experience. Sometimes, we never heal, but we gain wisdom through our experiences so we can help other people.

You are a great friend.

Carol

Wow, you seem like such a great friend! Yesterday was actually the 1 year anniversary of my Dad's death. My family and friends have pretty much carried me through this past year. You got some great advice here. Just know that everybody goes through their grief process SO differently. I had no idea the thoughts/feelings/wants/needs I would have. Just knowing that they were all there if/when I needed. Friends calling, e-mailing, texting on father's day, the 6 month anniversary, holidays and yesterday just telling me that they were thinking of me was huge! Just be sure to stick around after everybody else has gone back to their day to day lives and know that she will be grieving even when she is smiling for a long time. Keep being an amazing friend and she will get through anything that comes her way!

Death is a part of life yet it is the hardest thing to deal with.

I personally don't like giving flowers for mourning, they die. Plants though live on. When my best friend Penny(we knew each other over 20 years),died from cancer, friends & family started gathering items to plant a garden in her memory.

Take your cues from your friend, talk when she wants to, be a shoulder to lean on. Most importantly if you're not sure what to do or say, tell her that.

It's been 2 years since Penny died, it took me about 5-6 months before I wouldn't crumble into a ball of tears at the mention of anything related to her. There are still times that I tear up but I don't fall apart, can quickly gather myself and move through my day. Penny was my best friend, I can't imagine the pain from the death of a parent.

We all have our own emotional schedule. Please, please be there for your friend after everyone else drifts off. That's when she will need you the most.

E.

you can send her a personal note letting her know you are there for her. Did you know her mother if you did invite her over and talk about your memories of her mother. Often when a loved one dies others shy away from the family because they do not know what to say. Sometimes the one that has lost a loved one wants to talk or be near someone that knew the loved one. My sympathies for your friend. I attended a celebration for a school classmates mother. the mother died in march but i wanted to let her, her sister, and brother know i was thinking about then in their time. I still have my mother but lost my father when i was a month shy of turning 21. I as young and could not wait to get out of the house I went to a friends and talked about my dad. my M. felt that the curtains needed to be closed we were in morning. which is true but the life should also be celebrated.I grew up in the country go out my road down the county road and up their road it is 2 miles but we were neighbors. My friend lost her dad 31/2 yrs ago I use to visit at their house and I also called him dad I was waay when he died at almost 101 I finally went out to the farm and I kept expecting him to come out of his rooma nd talk to us and comment on dinner or desert. We even talked some she is the same friend whose house i went to when my dad died.
Paula

I have had a couple of close friends lose their mothers. I learned a lot about what not to do. Don't call because everyone does. Show up when you can. If it's not a good time you can leave. Home cooked meals are good, but everyone brings food. Plan fun activities not too regularly. Let them grieve. They need time by themselves to process. She will talk when she feels like talking, just stay present so she knows you are there for her. This isn't a ton of what-to-do but I hope it helps.

S.

You have very good advice so far. When I lost my Father to cancer 20 years ago, I appreciated having my friends to talk to about my grieving process. Don't be afraid to talk to her and ask how she's doing. If she needs space hopefully she can articulate that. Some people avoid being around people who have just had a death in their family because they are uncomfortable. I always appreciated the people who were comfortable enough to reach out to me.

Hello - I have had experience with a close girl friend that has past away and she left behind her girls.. You need to understand that each person handles greiving differently and there will be times when she will be angry - not at you - but at just the situation. She will be sad some days and then with time she will be still missing the loss. I suggest that you call her every day and let her know that you are available to go to the store for her or do some errands for her and or with her. Maybe, take her to get a manicure or pedicure and assure her that with time it will be ok. Keep calling her every day and keep in contact with her, because, her world has turned up-side down and she needs something consistant in her life....that would be you and help her with what ever she needs. Also, since you mentioned that you have drifted apart - I suggest that you start sending her uplifting cards either through email or a hand note sent through snail mail...but do it consistantly for about 3-6 months and see where the friendship goes. It may start slowly - but this is a tragic time in her life....One thing I also suggest you DO NOT....avoid speaking with her but to let her share with you on her time, not yours and be supportive, love her as a friend loves and cry with her, but also lift her up as friends do!

I hope this will help you - because it has helped me!
Take Care,
L. McBride