A Difficult Husband

Hello, congradulations on the upcomming new baby. Have you ever thought if only he could see how he makes us feel, try taping a conversation with you and or your daughter. Or mabie even video tape, this may seem odd, however if he could realy see things from your point of view, it may make a big difference. My father-in-law taped himself golfing to improve his game, mabie you can get similar results, if he see's himself in your eye's. Also, counciling, but I do know every house-hold seems to have little time, with one child, one on the way, school, work, ectra. who has time for more appointments. Best of luck to you & your family.

D., Danielle had a comment that struck me: about not knowing HOW to be a father. It's all a learning experience. Babies don't come with owner's manuals and parents don't know how to parent when they come home with their baby. Your husband could be out of his element and is trying to control a situation that can't be controlled to his satisfaction.
How is his relationship with his father? Was his father controlling as well? If so, now you know it's the only way he knows to be a father. It's a learned behavior from observing his parents.
Yes, counseling could help, but it's behavior-modification that is most important. Unfortunately, he does not see the problem. Is there someone he trusts and respects who could clue him in?
He may be different with your second....could be he either loosens up with more experience, bonds more with a boy than girl, etc. That, too depends upon his childhood. He may even learn from his mistakes with your daughter and become more loving as he gains more experience.
Good luck in making him see the light!

Hi D., I am going to put my two cents in as well. First off none of us are there to see exactly what is going on......I feel for what you are going through. My husband has a few flaws as well with impatience. He also can come across abrasive at times. So I do understand believe me. Although I dont like it I understand him. If I am making sense. Now I think he is handling your daughter in the way he is because he thinks he is helping her. But obviously in your heart of hearts you see that its not right. It does make most sense to get counseling. I go to therapy myself. I started going because I just stayed so sad and frustrated with my marriage. I love him I just dont always like him. He unfortunately does not go. I urge him to go all of the time. I go once a week most of the time. Since I started things have improved so much on both of our parts. I am soooo much calmer now I never realized how much my issues affected him. when in my mind all of my issues were him. lol. I also have found an understanding of why he does some of the things he does. So my therapist has helped me deal with him better and it has made him much calmer. Also I have three kids. My oldest love him dearly, can push buttons you didnt even know you had. He can break even the most patient of people. Now have a husband like yours or mine have to deal with him. Oh it is sometimes not pretty.
My husband loves him but has a hard time with him. he is a good boy just irritating. lol so you know what i do. I avoid certain things while my husband and son are both here. I try to just keep things smooth. That may sound bad to some people but bottom line is I love my husband with all of my heart. He is overbearing at times but he does not realize it. Some things are just not as bad as they seem. He tries to be a good dad. and really he is for the most part. With time he is getting better. So not to beat a dead horse over the head. But go to therapy. Hopefully he will go to maybe with a little pushiness by you and tell him its now or never. that may work for you. lol if he wont at least go for you and your daughter and soon to be son.
I also want to say this again none of us are there. We dont see what you see. How bad is it? If you do feel that he is abusing your daughter than reassess your situation. Abuse is a cycle and will keep repeating itself. Well I wish you the best. If you ever need to vent or just talk I am here. Feel free to email me. Good Luck! J.

I know this is a difficult situation, but if everybody else sees your husband one way. Perhaps that's the way he is. If he isn't willing to look at change, I don't know how you think it will get better with the stress of a second child. He needs some help and so do you. Don't let it go to far.

Look into his past.
How did his father treat the kids? Was he there for them, with them, or the absent provider? How did the mom treat the kids? Was he the center of attention or attention hog in his family? Maybe more of a bully? Was there someone that picked on HIM and he now loves them to death?
Moms are the cuddlers, dads the adventurers... In a year or so daddy will be tops of her list because he does "cool " stuff. And she will be able to kick any guys butt who messes with her.(or her brother)...

I would enroll him and her in some daddy daughter activities. Maybe a "big sister" class since you are having a baby coming... Have daddy take her. My daughter also went thru a "don't want daddy" stage around 2 but it didn't last long...

As for the baby... If it continues after baby, tell hubby that you need some counciling because of the "baby blues" and ask him to come with you.

In the mean time, get ahold of Mark Gungors "Laugh your way to a better marriage" dvds... You can buy them from his website... THEY ARE AWESOME! And its marriage counciling guys will sit thru, cause its fun...
It will open the door to topics and you can fill in the rest...

Good luck

Get out so you don't screw up your kids lives. Your little girl will have some big issues with men if she can't respond to her own father. He sounds like a jackass with issues of his own. Its not a healthy situation that you are dealing with. My oldest daughter is 37 and still can't have a normal ralationship with men. also has a hard time getting friends. She was 14 when I got a divorce and I always wondered if I would have gotten out sooner would things have been different. My second daughter was 7 and had stomach problems till I got the divorce. I married a great man the second time around that was caring and loving with me and my children. I also have a son that is 36 now who had a bed wetting problem till we got out. So don't think staying and trying to change him will work because no one can be changed spiecially if they think they are right. I hope you will think long and hard and do what is right for YOUR CHILDREN'S SAKES.
Good Luck--P.

D.,

I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. Please, please seek counseling, with or without him. It sounds to me like your husband is a bully, and healthy husbands don't act that way. Please fight the urge to make excuses for his behavior, and please get counseling.

Good luck,
A.

Dear D., I am so sorry you have to deal with this so close to your due date, but I strongly urge you to get into counseling. You need to see your husband for the abusive person he is, and with 2 children, there is a lot to deal with. I really worry about the abnormal way he treats your daughter, she responds normally to his behavior. Your instincts and concern about the future ofyourdaughter are right on. Listen and trust yourself, you sound like a smart lady. Please, please, please get into counselling, so you can see what is really on your plate, and then decide how to proceed from there. I wish you well, keep us posted.

My 1st thought is, why are you the only one he seems to be nice to? And is he? Sounds like control issues that a conversation won't fix. My husband has some abrasiveness that I seem to be able to handle. When he talks to the kids sometimes he sounds impatient and irritated. It bothers me more when he talks to them like that than me. When I 1st met him, his brothers and sister were aloof to him and his parents had a relationship that seemed to be tolerance and concern, rather than affection. I was baffled because the man I met was so gentle and sweet and nurturing (we met at a wedding and were long distance for 1.5 years so I didn't see the family much) We've been together 22 years now. He's changed a lot and I will say I had a large influence in that. I can handle his attitude, but I won't take it. I don't deserve to be talked to with attitude (unless I'm dishing it out, too!) I believe in respect. I don't think any problem is insurmountable if you approach the issue with empathy. I believe we all boil down 2 this: We all want to be loved, are afraid of being hurt, and want to feel in control. From that, life experience and personality create who we are and how we cope. My husband was sad and lonely and had low self esteem. When he met me, he felt safe again. All these years later his relationship with his family has turned around completely. He's relied on at work for being a no BS guy that has only the good of the company as his agenda. Now, I may sound like I did something, but I didn't do any more than insist on respect, and gave it back. I don't know if any of this applies to you, but it sounds like he's holding on to your daughter and demanding love, and is missing the respect.

I think you are married to my husband! He does the same thing with my son and he is now 10! I don't know if they will ever have a good relationship because my husband is a baby and wants his way on everything. He can't see that anyone else has needs and wants. You don't know him, so I feel I can say this. Just know that you are not alone and do your best to do what is right for your babies.

Be well!

S.

Hi D., Re-read your own letter and try to think of it like it is someone elses letter...what would you think? Unfortunatly like other moms have said...you have to be your childrens advocates now. Your husband seems to have many issues that is going to perminantly damage your children. You need to demand that he get some help in counseling/parenting classes etc. Your worries are dead on that in the future your daughter will loose the fight to say no and just allow things to happen and feel a loss of control in her life. Your daughter is sending a strong message to you now...listen to it and as hard as it is...you must act and soon. I know this has to be overwhelming with a new baby on the way but if you stop it now you can save those little babies from a lot of damage. There are many great counselors out there for the both of you. If he refuses to listen or change...you may have to make some hard decisions. Good luck and I will pray for you and your family.

Hi D.,

I can hear the frustration in your letter. Things really become huge when you're pregnant and due fairly soon. that's a time when we want to get things in good working order. I think it's great that you're looking ahead.

What you describe your husband doing sounds familiar, and also troubling. If we don't make a change within ourselves, and insist on a change from the other person, things will continue on as usual. And yes, it will happen with your second child as well. They will grow up to do the same thing to someone smaller than them.

Please seek professional counseling. I'd strongly suggest you go as a couple. If your husband refuses to go, then go alone. If you can't afford it, check with your house of worship for guidance. Also, there are many places that will go with a sliding fee scale etc.

Best wishes on your new little bundle of joy.

Warmly,

S.

Dear D., My heart goes out to you! I see your husband as abusive D.. He has the classic signs. The fighting with both sides of the family is his way of keeping you isolated from any support. Men don't just start abusive ways with a woman, it is very slow to grow most times. The fact that he can't see what he is doing to your daughter is a major red flag. A person cannot fix something that they don't believe needs fixing. You are overlooking his disrespect towards you also. His blaming you for his behaviors, that is disrespect, denial, and self-centered. This will only get worst as time goes on, unless YOU change. You are trying to change him, but the only person who can change your husband is himself, yet he doesn't think anything is wrong. And the only person you can change is yourself, and by working on you, he is forced to change with you or live without you. What you have discribed is the classic abusive pattern. Don't give up hope though, because this can change around. ONLY IF YOU CHANGE HOW YOU ARE RESPONDING TO THE BEHAVIOR!!! Please contact a demestic violence shelter for information D., it could save your marriage, and your childrens relationship with their father. It could be the greatest gift you give to your entire family, even the extended family that you are shunning right now to keep the peace. This is fixable, as long as it is addressed and not ignored. If left unchecked, it will grow like a snowball, and your children will pay the price their entire lives because of it. One rule of thumb is don't allow another persons issues to become your issues. My heart and prayers are with you and your family. God bless.

D.- I know it is probably hard to hear people say that you need to leave your husband, but you need to do what is in your best intrest, and the best intrest of your children. My husband was like that with my oldest when we first got together, but that's because he had no prior expierence with childern until he got with me, and my son was almost 2, and he was treated the same way by his dad. All I had to do was talk to him about how I felt, and it got better. Now 5 years later we have 2 more kids. He starts to get overwhelmed sometimes, and all I do is remind him of the situation, and he calms down. I'm sorry to hear about everything that is going on with you, and I hope everything works out. Keep us posted

Two things occur to me. One, counselling to discuss his own childhood and his anger about being a father. Two, a parenting class so he can learn children's developmental stages and needs. I think he really needs both. Please intervene and protect your children the best you can. I am very concerned.

I agree with Carrie...seems like there is really no point in continuing your relationship. I would be worried that he would start abusing your daughter in some way....he needs to get help and if he doesn't want it, then help yourself, daughter, and unborn son and get out of that situation. Do you want your kids to look back later in life and wonder why you chose to stay with him? You are obviously a smart person who would do well professionally and not have to worry about anything....make that move before it's too late.

I feel terrible for you that you are going through this. I've been married a long time and what you describe is really going to have a negative affect on both your children. They will think this is ok behavior. You and your husband desperately need counseling from a professional.

I would really be concerned if my husband did what your's is doing. I think to the point that I would consider leaving him if he didn't consider counseling or didn't see that it was a problem.

See if he will go to the dr and get his head checked for a something in his brain. Also see if he will go to marriage consuling. It sounds like marraige concelling.