My daughter turned 9 in December and I have a VERY hard time getting her to take care of herself. I'm at my wits end as to what to do. She was diagnosed with adhd almost a year ago. We have problems with her being very defiant and not listening and following rules, but one of my biggest concerns is that she does not take care of herself. She never wants to take a shower. If I let her...she will probably never take one. I have to force her to take one at least every other day. I'd prefer her to take one every day because I've noticed that she's starting to get the perspiration odor and I know she's going to be starting puberty soon. I started around her age, so I know it's just a matter of time. I've tried talking to her about it, but that doesn't get anywhere's.
When I force her to go in and take a shower, I will get the water started for her and she will just sit down on the toilet and cry until I notice that she's still not in the shower. Sometimes I actually have to start undressing her myself. Then when I get her to get into the shower, she just stands there. Half the time I end up having to wash her myself, which is a big inconvenience because I have 2 other kids to tend to. I often have to make her get back into the shower just to rinse her hair. Because she only stands there, the front part of her hair don't get rinsed. She gets mad at me when I have to do these things for her and I tell her if she'd do it herself, I wouldn't have to.
Has anyone else gone through this? I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want her to end up getting teased at school about her smelling bad or something, but I've thought about not making her take one and just let her go when she wants to. Maybe after she's had someone comment on the smell, maybe she'll start listening to me. But then I don't want to get accused of something from the school or cps or something. ugh!
Please...any help will be greatly appreciated! Thank you!
J.
Well, we have tried giving her special soaps and washes and such as gifts, but they only work for maybe 1 or 2 showers then she is back to the same routine. I have been wanting to do something that involves just her and I, but haven't found something that both her and I will enjoy. Maybe something along the lines of a day of beauty for us will help.
Books are something I'm always up to trying. I love to read (she shares that passion as well). I can't tell you how many books on adhd I have read.... I'll have to check out the ones that were mentioned. She loves american girl dolls...I'll have to see if I can find that book for her. She will probably enjoy it.
In terms of having her take a bath instead of a shower...she fights with us either way. I'm also a little leery about having her take too frequent baths because I used to get many kidney infections when i was little and I've heard that too frequent bubble baths can contribute to them. I don't want her to go through that.
She has already had her hair cut short. I cut it because in addition to her not washing it...she refused to even just brush it. I got tired of it looking like a mop, so I cut it. It looks cuter on her this way anyways.
We've already tried a reward system for many other things, but they don't last very long...usually a week or 2 at most.
We've also tried talking about things to her doctors, but they didn't find any cause for concern. I'm going to give all of these ideas a try and see if one will work for us. If worse comes to worse...I'll have to do the one that I don't really want to do and call the school nurse and just let her go.
Thank you for all of the wonderful responses!
Blessings,
J.
Have you thought about a day of beauty for the two of you? Maybe if she sees herself with her hair done, nails painted, a little makeup she'll realize how much fun it is to look nice, and she'll want to maintain it...Have you let her go shopping for her own soaps, shampoos, etc? Show her how much fun and how special it is to be a girl!
mabye she will take baths for you.ADHD has nothing to do with personal care. My 8 yr old son has had to use deoderant since he was in kindergarten. Have you asked her why she srys about getting in the shower seems like there is a deeper problem there
I'm not sure if this will help or not, but I've read a lot about how changing your child's diet can assist with ADHD. Perhaps with some small dietary changes to go along with all the other great suggestions might help?
I'm expecting my first baby in 4 months and ADHD runs in my husband's family, so we're trying to prep for it. My husband had ADHD when little, and his pediatrician recommended removing all artificial colors and flavors from his diet, along with chocolate. That did the trick for him, and as he got older, his system began to tolerate those things better. If you're interested, there's a pretty good book out there with dietary recommendations for ADHD: Healing the New Childhood Epidemics: Autism, ADHD, Asthma, and Allergies: The Groundbreaking Program for the 4-A Disorders by Kenneth Bock.
Best of luck!!!
Hi J. I can tell you it starts at about age 8 and stops when they actually start smelling themselves. My daughter did not get serious until I started making her smell all the differnet odors coming out of her. I would wait until the weekend to take the time with the process during the week I would help her until she became confident enough that she didn't need me to help her anymore. Its hard and time consuming but necessary. She has bot yet come into her woman good yet so you have to give the one on one time. My daughter is now 11yrs old and in her woman hood came to me and asked how many times should I shower a day so that I stay fresh and no one will smell me. So your daughter just needs more mommy personal time with you in oder for it to work correctly. In the long run it will turn out for the best.
M..Good Luck!
The best approach is to deal with the ADHD. John Gray (Men are from Mars, etc) has a PhD in brain chemistry and hormones. He talks about the lack of minerals in our diets as being one of the factors and strongly affects brain chemistry. Email me if you'd like to know more.
A.
well the only way to beat the system it seems is to ask counselors at the school and her doctor for suggestions. maybe they can help.
Hi J.,
When I was around the same age as your daughter, I hated to shower (who am I kidding, I STILL hate to shower but I make myself do it anyway).
I think what got me to stop being a "greaser" was my sister telling me that she wouldn't curl my hair unless I'd showered at least once during the week. Well, that and a bunch of other things like being picked on in school and suddenly realizing that I really wasn't fitting in. Try not to worry though, because everyone forgot how nasty I'd been by the time we reached 9th grade.
I was friends with a lot of popular girls (although I was never in the popular crowd) and even through high school (contrary to popular belief) most of them only showered every other or every two days! No one knew the difference.
Don't fret it, talk to her, and find out what's going on, is there something more than meets the eye? Those issues aside, find someone she looks up to (preferably a non-family member) and ask them to help her see the benefits of good personal hygiene. These sorts of things are usually most effective when you daughter is unaware that you asked this person to help.
okay, I think I'm done rambling and I wish you luck and patience.
Kate <><
Hello J.,
This too shall pass, is my motto these days. What your daughter is going through is perfectly normal especially with her ADHD. I have a 19 year whom also was diagnose with ADHD about the age of 6 and I went through the same situation. My daughter grew out of this stage by age 12. I started having mommy and me special days by taking weekly trips to bath and body shop. While there I let her choose her own scented and pretty bottles as she called them. I now have fight with her to get out of the shower. Hope this little piece of advice works for you.
Hi Jonann~ Someone recommended a book for my daughter called the Care and keeping of you, it's an american girl book. It talks all about caring about yourself but i do think it also talks about getting your period. (that is more why it was recommended to me) But i know you can check it out on amazon.com to see if it might help. Also, what about going shopping with her to pick out some fancy body wash, foaming soap or fancy shampoo? Just a thought. L.
Joanne,
I hate to say, I know where your daughter is comming from. I was diangosed with adhd about that time, and I used to be the same way. I knew I got distracted easily, so i was always afraid that I was going to fall in the shower or something, or accidently use moose instead of toothpaste. I don't know when I finaly started taking care of myself again, but I did grow out of it. I think it was around the time i discovered boys. I guess, since I was there and kind of know what she is going trhough, just talk to her, work on concentration excersizes like sudoku, memory games, and things like that to show her that she CAN concentrate if she wants to. I hope this helps, and feel free to contact me anytime about this.
Have you tried just letting her relax in a tub with bubbles?
She will not get as upset and it will make your job a little
easier. Even if she does'nt use soap, the bubbles you put in the water (kind of like baby bath soap) will get her clean. Now her hair is another issue in itself. I guess I can only give advice on what I did with my 2 girls. Help them wash it then make them rinse it in the tub before the water goes down the drain. Hope I helped a little.
I have not gone through this but i have to rearrange my day or take away from something else inorder to help one of my girls do something. My one daughter gets excided about something so anything you ask of her she does and gets it done fast not always correct, but the effort is what i congradulate her for. My other daughter has trouble cleaning her room and will test my patients and i have tried several things. With the thought that she will outgrow this one day, it still upsets me that i need to take time away from my stuff or the other child in order to help her make her room clean, instead of make her feel bad because she has no interest in a clean room or that her cloths are clean or even put away in the closest, it always makes her feel better when she can have clean cloths and is ready for school in the morning. So yes i do set time aside once a week when we both go in there and clean plus it gives us some time without the other house problems getting invloved. My advice would be make it special time with her instead of a problem. Children who act out or even cry the lousest are asking for the most attention and as a mom we really need to be creative and try to be fair to everyone involved. Just remember to make time for yourself and be ggod to you. Without this you are no good to anyone.
Hi!!
i have the same problem... my daughter is also adhd /impulsive and it just seems like everything is done in a major rush, all the time...
For teeth brushing , i use timers
for showers, i check the hair before they get out and make them redo it....
yes , its still a battle.. and i often say " you are so pretty but do you want people to make fun of you because you stink or your teeeth are yellow? etc etc
also i buy her deodorant/training bras etc & try to let her pick some bodywashes, mouthwashes etc.. even if shes not ready for it yet, hoping it will encourage her to want to act like a big kid...
We also read " the care & keeping of me" regularly and at a slow pace and discuss the different subjects
Also my daughter likes baths so i make her shower but then i reward her with leisurely bath time as a trade off
Best wishes!!
Antoinette,
emerson Nj
9 yr old adhd, speech delayed daughter
& 8 yr old gifted child... GO FIGURE, Right????????
Dear Joanne,
I'm wondering aobut a couple of things with your daughter. The first is whether she could hvae some sensory integration issues. This might mean that the water hitting her skin could be irritating or downright painful for her. How is she about her clothing? Are their certain textures she find uncomfortable? I would check with the physician to find out more about this.
Does she struggle with transition, meaning you need to establish a consistent routine around showering.
Is she depressed or does she have any body image issues? Children (and anyone) who struggles with depression often have issues with hygiene.
I would talk with her physician and attempt to implement a reward system. I would begin by giving her a small but meaningful reward after each shower. Then as she gets more accustomed to the routine, you move to rewarding her every three days to once/weekly to no reward. Rewards can be a new accesory, a favorite treat, stickers, gum...
The other thing I am wondering is if she sees a social worker. If the physician is unable to help you find a solution and the problem continues it would be a good idea to get her some therapy. A social worker specializing in these types of problems would have some good ideas to motivate your daughter and teach ehr self-care skills.
My other suggestion...have you tried telling her that she can sit and cry if she wants but that she cannot come out of the bathroom until she takes her shower? I would only do this after pediatrician has rules out that there are no other issues going on. It may be that she has become dependent on you. Setting a limit that she needs to shower (or bathe) herself might be tortuous for you and her at first but within a few days if she sees you mean business she may comply.
I hope this is of help for you.
J.
Hi J.
Well my daughter is not that old yet and I know girls and boys are different in alot of ways, however, my son is 12 y/o and I have to fight with him, I think it is a fase they go through. I know with ADHD (my son also has it) that sometimes a reward system works but it has to be a daily reward, something small has help with him. I did alot of reasearch on the internet on it and I fould them helpful on ways to make me understand him better.
As for her not showering maybe try letting her pick out a "special" shower gel for herself and that may make her want to shower and use it. Also have you asked her why she cries when she has to shower, maybe there is a reason for her crying. If I tried those things and that did not work maybe the next time you are at the Dr with her mention it to her Dr. and sometimes when my son hears it from someone other than "mom" its like their brain is like oh mom is not crazy.
Hope this helps.
Good luck
Jess
HI J.,My name is C. i have four children they are older now but i had 2 of my kids at that age that didnt want to put deoderant on and swore they didnt smell.Having a mental or fisical disorder doesnt mean that there any more less capable of being able to take care of there hygeine or anything else.Only sometimes in life people can give us some insite but only you truly know inside what you can do in your house with your circumstances.I commend you on being able to be at home with your children i wish i could have.I sometimes have to work 10 12hrs at work.One thing i wouldnt do is tell them ill do it for you now youve created a monster and you end up frustrated and resentfull.Take the time out when there in school for yourself even if its a half hour and put something possative in you mind than the answer will come And a good book to read is by Marrianne Williamson Return to love.
I totally agree with Kathleen. There was no excuse for me to act this way around that age and I also "forgot" to wash my hair and bathe. Back then we usually took baths and females washed their hair in the kitchen sink - I don't know why, just the times. Maybe to free up the bath quicker (there was usually only 1 back then). ANYWAY, my mom let me go for a while. The smell is a problem, lol, and as for my hair she said she'd cut it if I didn't wash it. Sure enough by the end of 2 weeks it was just past my ears. Her theory was it should be less trouble for me to wash. A bit extreme..... I would definitely notify the school then let the natural consequences take place. What would you do if your son did this at the same age or older?
I'm not sure if this will work, but I was looking for some sort of Routine Chart for my Kids, and there is a couple differant charts here to remind them what needs to be done daily, it is of course followed by rewards. http://www.webehave.com/bcharts.htm
J.
My daughter hates to stop to take a shower but I tell her that as a young lady she must shower or wash up daily.
Sometimes I let her wash up at the sink if she has showered the day before. I impress upon her that our bodies are special and if you don't wash and clean them you could end up sick. She has been in the hospital for her asthma so I know she does not enjoy being there.
As a woman you know that yeast infections and those things are common and happen even when we have good hygiene habits. So start explaining about our special bodies to her now. My daughter also uses a deodorant since she was about 5. I believe because of the asthma medicines. If her underarms still have an odor if she's just comes out of the shower I tell her she has to go back in if I still smell the funk.
If she refuses to wash and then you wash her, it maybe that she is trying to get your attention and having you stop what you are doing with the other kids. This way she has your undivided attention. Talk to her about her washing when you have a moment alone with her, before bed or any moment you can grab.
Buy her a toiletry bag with the luffa puff. My daughter loves to use it. Use anything that can be special just for her and helps you get her excited about taking a shower.
I know it must be awful...but there might be something deeper wrong. If she is sitting there crying...maybe something happened to her or maybe she is embarassed...try a reward system, my parents used to bribe my brother with money to shower haha. Each shower done correctly awarded him a monetary reward. I believe this might work for you because he also had ADHD diagnosed at 10. Th therapist might also be able to help you with this. Good Luck!
