8 Year Old Problems

There's only 1 thing I will say... You are NEVER too old to cry.

She's sensitive and you don't understand that.
Good luck.

I agree to have her tested for a learning disability. Once that is ruled out then you can continue with other avenues, but wouldn't it be a shame if she were struggling with something like dyslexia or one of the many other learning disabilities that can affect reading and executive functioning skills and she was being punished for it? If there is a problem the sooner you get it diagnosed the sooner she can get help and you can stop feeling so lost.

Good luck,
K.

Does she have a reading disability? Have you thought about a child therapist?

Reading problems boil down to PRACTICING reading, ENJOYING the material and DEFINING the words. My stepdaughter graduated from first grade and could barely read a preschool book. Now she's going into 4th grade and she has a 5th grade reading level.

We got her a good phonics program, and while you may think a 3rd grader is beyond simple phonics, we found that she really needed it! For some reason she didn't "get" it when they taught her in school. So this year for third grade (we homeschool now) she had to start OVER with phonics. It didn't take long and we were able to find and remedy the gaps she missed.

Crying about reading is very, VERY common.

Try to start out with a book that is very simple. Have her read out loud. She won't want to, but set a timer for 10 minutes and tell her she can stop reading when the 10 minutes are up no matter where she is in the book. This helps because it takes the feeling of overwhelm away. She knows she can stop.

If she starts to read and stumbles over a word or wants to quit, see if there is a word on the page that she doesn't know the meaning of. Lack of comprehension is because there is a word on the page that she didn't know the meaning of. Can you understand something if you don't know the meaning of the word? Comprehension stops when a person reaches a word they can't define. By simply defining all the words, she WILL comprehend her reading. By starting easy she will find she CAN read and will feel better about herself. Slowly increase the difficulty.

My stepdaughter hated reading and she would cry, throw books, refuse to read, kick her legs--everything! But we were patient, we went slow, we gave her lots of encouragement and most importantly we increased her vocabulary.

As for the crying, some people just express their emotions (frustration, anger, etc.) with tears. It might be just the way she is.

Good luck!

Have you had your daughter tested for any kind of health issues? I am not saying and I know everyone always screams ADHD, and a whole other list of issues but seriously you might want to "consider" something medically could be going on. You might want to take her in to see the ped and mention all of these behaviors.
Secondly you say you have done everything such as rewarding, positive reenforcement, punishing but you didn't mention the actual technique used. Each child is different. I have twins and they are night and day and I have to do things differently at times because what works for one may not work for the other. My twins are 7 so very close in age to your daughter. They will be 8 in December 14th and 15th but they have those same episodes of melting down when I ask them to do something. It made me so mad and frustrated that I couldn't take it anymore. I finally told them that if they were going to act like a baby then I would treat them like one as well. Which meant: Babies don't play on a computer. Babies lay down to take naps. Babies don't get to play on a DS. Babies don't get to do much of anything really and each time they started with me I would take a "privelage" away. I have even told them that each time I hear them whine and cry about it I will starting docking their bedtime by 10 minute increments. If they go to bed at 9:00 and they start up we can get all the way down to 7:30 at night-I don't care. They hate going to bed early. You got to find something that she really truly holds dear and take that away from her so she knows you mean business and its not going to happen overnite. It's still going to happen but overtime it does improve and they will have those days just as everyone else does but consistency is the key.
I don't know what to tell you about the "reading" deal because my girls have always been very excited about school and did very well last year and were the top readers in their class and one was even the top reader over the entire first grade. I have never had to struggle with them about this. Is she bored with the content or she just plainly doesn't like to read at all. My husband is like that-to make him sit down and read a book-lol~ yeah right! I don't know how he was as a smaller child but I know his own mother did his homework for him on occassions which I totally disagree with but that is a whole other can of worms. What about if she found some books to read online? That might appeal to her a little more maybe? IDK.....good luck with that one and I really apologize about not being able to provide suggestions on that subject-thank god I don't have to deal with that! I don't know what I would do either!

My son is eight too and does exactly the same thing! It drives me crazy! I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you since I desperately need some myself. I'm looking forward to reading the posts you get. My son does like to read though which is the only defference. Best of luck to you!

Does she cry at school when she is asked to do things? If not, I would say that your family is stuck in a cycle. Telling your daughter not to cry or telling her that the things that make her cry are silly, will just add to the divide. Try changing things up a bit. Instead of telling her what to do, write her a note (this will also give her reading practice) and giver her options.
Ex. Please clean your room today anytime before lunch. Thank you. If you need help knowing where to start let us know. :)

Ask her why she is crying. When she says it is because she does not want to clean, let her know that you understand and she can play as soon as it is done. Then leave it at that. If she cries that is fine. You do not have to stay and watch her.

As for the reading... Children learn at different times and people have different levels of ability. Talk to her teacher and have THEM assess where she is and where she should be. If she needs some help you can find her a tutor.
When she reads with the family, is she met with judgment when she stumbles or needs help? Is the experience fun or does she leave feeling bad about herself.

I would love to know how it all works out,
B.

http://www.ChildAndFamilyCoaching.com
Because nothing is more important than family

I would consider having her tested for some type of learning disorder since her reading comprehension sounds low. As your Pediatrician if he/she can recommend who can best test her. I would also let him know confidentially about her accessive crying, she may need to see a child psychologist to get to the bottom of why she does this, is it real sadness or just attention seeking. Wondering when this crying thing started?Ask yourself has anything happened in her life at home of school or your families life at that time, loss of a family member, friend, marital issues, new baby, job changes of parent, move etc. near the same time her crying began? Sometimes things like this trigger new behaviors in children because of sadness or stress that they can't express. Have you sat down calmly and had a nice girl talk with her and tell you are worried about why she cries. Maybe this will help her open up to you, try to spend some extra time with her on your own to connect more with her at this hard time she is having.
Hope this helps.

First, I would pray about it.
Secondly, I would try changing her diet to a low gluten, low milk, low sugar diet. (My son gets very whiny when he drinks milk.)
Third, check her sleeping habits.
Fourth, see if she wants to do any group sport or musical instrument. Studies have shown these things boost kid's IQ and ability to concentrate.

A. N.
Getbabied.com

Hi J.

Like Ginny I think a reading tutor would be tremendously helpful : reading just for the sake of it without knowing how to help her specifically is not going to do any good and a reading tutor would know exactly how to help.

A friend of mine does it this summer (30min a day) for her 8 year old going into 3rd grade too and she is amazed by what the tutor notices and does (and she's a teacher herself !). For instance the tutor noticed right away how the girl just guesses the words instead of reading them and also how she never actually learned phonics and how to cut words to read them.... and the tutor knows what to do about it/... and it's not simply "make her read everyday".

As for the crying, is it only at home or at school also ? If it's only at home it may be a learned behavior to get her way with you... If you want it to stop you have to be consistent. Never ever listen when she is whining or crying (except hurt) and never let her off the hook for a chore because she cries. Stay calm also, never loose your cool...
And pay attention to good behavior and compliment her or better let her overhear when you say she behaves so well and did not cry for such and such.
Crying may also be a way to get your undivided attention... the opposite of positive attention is not negative attention... it's indifference. Take the time even 10 minutes a day to be with her (without doing anything else at all !!!) it goes a long way toward "filling her bucket" if you ever heard that famous expression in preschool.

Please come back to tell what you decided and what happens !

J., you are not alone. crying is very normal and actually quite healthy. Crying/whining is a common way for kids (and adults) to "get what they want". Most parents get annoyed and then give in and kids know that.

Crying/whining is simple to correct. It is very simple. It may not be easy, but it is simple. 2 simple steps:

You must TEACH the behaviour you want, and NOT IN THE MOMENT. Spend 5 mins a couple times a day discussing what kind of behaviour will get results in the family. Whenever she uses the correct tone congratulate her and tell her how proud you are that she is in your family. She will need to be reminded MANY TIMES per day. Do you think that is silly, do you think that she should “know better”? Think about this…go take a drive and count how many speed limit signs there are on the road, how many stop signs there are...how many traffic lights there are. Drivers KNOW the rules of the road, the speed limits, stop at a corner etc…so why are there so many REMINDERS? Because we all need constant reminders of the behaviour that is appropriate to our leading healthy productive lives.

When the whining begins, immediately say in a very clear tone, "we do not do that in our family. Are you part of this family? Fine, then we don't do that (whatever the behaviour is). If you want something, need something are upset about something we discuss it, we don't whine in this family. In this family we discuss what we want. Are you part of this family? Great, then let's discuss it. Do you need a minute to think about what you want to say? (Give her the opportunity to calm down and formulate her thoughts)"

Be firm, but not mean. Be straight, no guesswork on her part. There are no consequences, just facts. In this family we do this, and this is what we don't do. Fact. No story, no explanation, no variations. You must have your family on board. Compare it to work, if you boss gave you a new task and said, "go, take it to your office and when you know how to do it come back" you would be frustrated and maybe even furious. Help her work through it so that she can learn what you want and accept in your family.

The other day we were at a friends place visiting. BEFORE WE LEFT THE HOUSE I told both my daughters we needed to leave by 6:30 to get home in time for my conference call at 7 PM. I said: “We will say our good byes at 6:20 and be in the car, backing out of the driveway before 6:30. Tonight I have a conference call and we will be home in time, alright?” Everyone agreed. At 6:10 I reminded them we had to leave in 10 mins. My daughter's friend said, "Can Taylor Rae stay and play longer and my mom will drive her home?" Taylor Rae answered and said, "nope, we can't". I didn't have to say anything. It was already decided earlier. Preparation is important. Everyone likes to know what is expected of them.

Some might argue for “teaching negotiation skills” or “seizing the opportunity”, and I agree. But some times there are some non negotiables. Brushing their teeth is a non negotiable, drinking their nutritional shake in the AM is a non negotiable, getting in the car so that I was on time for my team call...a non negotiable. They know the rules, they know their boundaries and we never have or will have the whining, the disrespect etc.

As for the reading, as a retired school teacher I have a million tricks to get kids to read. But this post is already too long. If you want some suggestions please email me directly. ____@____.com.

B.
Family Success Coach

Continue with what you are doing. Make sure you follow through because at this age they are trying to undermine what you are doing, if you let her have her way, then she knows she's won.

I know what I would do. I would have a neoropsychologial evaluation done to look for the real reason your child is having trouble with reading comprehension, global tasks, and.attention. she sounds miserable and there is terrific intervention that will help her, and you,understand why she cries all the time instead of doing what she wants to do, which is please you. If she could do that without help, she would have long ago.

When school starts, request an evaluation for school based.services because reading issues like you describe are the schools responsibility to.remediate.

M.

Try sitting down with her and ask her why she feels she needs to cry about things all the time. Especially when she ends up doing it anyway. Maybe she'll say something that will give you a clue as to why these things are so terrible to her.
I would also implement a little scare tactic. As in you can't be there in class when the teacher tells her to do something. Or that crying about things all the time could potentially result in the other kids teasing her about being a cry baby. What could be worse than losing one's dignity????? And I would suggest the same tactic about being in 3rd grade and needing to keep up with the other kids with reading, because they can be mean and laugh and that hurts a lot more than the effort to keep up. Who wants to be at the bottom of one's class???? There's an encouragement! Find subjects she's interested in, and then take her shopping for a book on her favorite subject. When she picks it out, that should be a sign she has some control over what she reads sometimes. And compromise. "We'll get that book you want if we can get this one too!" (if it happens to be on the same subject). Make shopping fun!

A reading tutor or reading program might be very helpful. Do they have a way to provide this at her school? She sounds like a pretty emotional girl and that can really wear you down. Can you sometimes do something alone with just her? Can she journal (combining art work and words)? Is she ADD? That's worth checking out because medication might help her feel more in control. You comment about reading comprehension leads me to think this may be her problem even if she isn't hyperactive. If she's been an only child until now, that may definitely be part of the problem. Her world has changed and she had no choice about it so she may be angry or feel kind of abandoned. Can she help with the baby? My 8 yr old granddaughter is really into helping with a neighbor's baby right now. A lot of kids fight cleaning their rooms & other responsibilities, so that's not so weird, but she needs to be coaxed lovingly into doing more for herself. Sounds to me like you both have had a bit of baby blues! For yourself, there are some good support groups around or you may need an antidepressant to help you thru this tough time. You do sound more tired than anything though, you poor thing! It's tough being a mom especially when your child seems to be set on making your life as difficult as she can. I imagine things will improve when school starts. Please hang in there. A lot of moms go through the things you described, not that it makes it any easier for you, but just for you to know you're not alone.

I'm sorry you are going through this. My oldest son (almost 9 & going into 3rd grade) occasionally goes through fits like this. We just ask him 'does crying get you anywhere/what you want?', he says 'no' & we remind him that he needs to calm down & use his words or go to his room for his fit. I know it seems harsh, but crying all the time over silly things just drives me nuts.
My son dosen't have a problem with his reading level & loves to read, but sometimes he just rushes through reading & doesn't retain any of it. So I got a notebook & after reading my son would have to write down a summary of what he just read, the book title & the date. If he couldn't remember anything from the book he had to go read it again. He isn't allowed to have the book while writting just so he doesn't skim through & jot things down. This really helped him to start retaining more of the info from the book. You might also try reading to & with her & maybe you read a page & she reads a page.
I'm sure you have found this out, but kids go through phases. My son is mostly though his crying over every little thing phase. You might even talk to her teacher from last year & ask how she did with reading in class.

God bless!

The key is consistency. Have a zero tolerance policy for crying/whining. Also chores HAVE to be done EVERY day. Have a chart for her to follow that can be checked off - accountability for her. You might have to have her do some before she can eat breakfast (like making the bed), and some like cleaning up her room EACH night before going to bed. If that means getting her started an hour before bed time, then do that. DON'T make exceptions. This is not only confusing, but encourages her to test the boundaries because you let her get away with it a week ago and might do it again today...

Remember, things like playing outside and watching TV are PRIVILEGES, not rights. But importantly, don't let her get away with not picking up her room and just staying in the house all day. Insist that she do it, and have a consequence that you're ready to enforce when she rebells. You have to win EVERY battle, or this will just get worse and worse. And it won't just go away overnight, it could take months and months for her to begin to realize that Mom and Dad mean business and its much easier to work with them and not against them.

As far as reading goes. Read with her, quiz her on what she just read, if she didn't remember it, read it again. She has to read the story and remember it before moving on to the next thing. Teachers at school don't have time to do this with her, so its easier to give her a bad grade then tutor her through it. However, they should have instructed you to really take some time and commitment with her about reading at home, so that she can stay with her grade level.

Prepare for this to take up about every spare second you have during the day for a while. But it will get easier and easier as she comes in line with what you're asking her to do. We get so stressed out as mom's that its so easy to let things slide and grab a moment of sanity. However it comes back to bite us after a while. So have courage to tackle it now and stay consistent!

Best wishes!