8 Year Boy That Is Stealing and Lying

Boy oh Boy. Do I know what you are going through. My kids are not going trough that, but I sure did as a child. I am a product of divorce and step-parent households. The first thing I can tell you is if your child won't tell you, your husband, your ex-husband or his grandmother why he is acting this way then get him some professional help right away. Take it from someone who's parents used every form of discipline in the book except actaully talking to me and listening to what I had to say. Just because I was young didn't mean I didn't have feelings. I spent most of my young life in trouble and looking for ways to get people's attention. Not until my daughter was born 6 years ago did I finally find some peace. Good Luck and keep the faith!

Hi D.,

This is a very sore topic for me because I myself just had to put my 18 year old son out for constant stealing and lying. It started when he was around 8 and escalated. I would punish him and my mom, being the grandmother that she was, would spoil and reward him. Nevertheless, I am now embrassed that his behavior got worst. I should have taken more of a stand with my mother. Even though i needed her to babysit and what not, looking back, I should of found another alternative and did what was best for my son. I compromised and now 10 years later I'm writing you. I should of stood on what was right. Not because I thought for one minute that she didn't love my son, but because her reactions to his behavior justified and intesified his behavior. The consequences became a joke and now 10 years later my son still isn't taking responsablity for his actions. Still running to grandma, my sister, whomever that will pitty him. Stealing and lying is very serious. It has broken all trust I had with my son. I should of done more to build HIS character instead of making excuses for mine.

Being consistent is a good idea. Especially if you can get it to carry over at his fathers. This can be a phase but it can also be a reaction to the changes in his life. new marriage for you living with dad etc.. SOmetiems it helps to get everyone together for family therapy. I encourage you to work to get you and your ex on the same page for you son. I know you cant make it happen if he wont try but I have nothing else to offer.
GOod luck.

--------
See bottom of post for update on "stealing".
--------

I haven't read the other responses yet, so I fear that I might say the same thing... Well, here goes anyways.

His lying, although a bad thing, might have a very sensitive motive behind it. He might be feeling sensitive, embarrassed, shameful, frustrated, confused, hopeless over some trouble he's having with learning & school work. Whether the problem be that he is unable to focus at his Dad's house, or he's unable to use the self control necessary to follow through, or he just might just be falling behind in comprehending the school work. Any / All of those sorts of things can tie a kid up in knots inside.

Perhaps, a good idea WOULD be to have him move home with you but rather than put him in daycare for an hour, could you put him in Silvan (Sulvan?) Learning Center for some tutoring. The tutors might cue into the issues about whether or not it's a study habit problem, an attention problem, a learning problem, or a power struggle problem. Even if he does stay with his Dad, the Learning Center might still be a good idea.

I, personally, was hardly ever able to be the one who held my daughter accountable for homework. When I tried to help her, she would do silly stuff like chew on her pencil and then mistakenly flick it across the room, drop it, have to go potty (whatever), a million excuses... it would drive me bonkers. I'd keep my mouth shut, but my blood pressure and anxiety seriously concerned me. We would spend 30 minutes on homework, and 2.5 hours on fussing over broken pencils. And I was extremely patient with her silliness sharpening new pencils, waiting during potty breaks, and tolerating her yelling at me in frustration with a sarcastic tempermental tone of voice. Something I learned from that experience was that I needed to just be Mommy and let the tutor be the tutor, let Grandma be the Grandma, let the teacher be the teacher. I couldn't be all things to her and she wouldn't let me. The foolishness stopped when I allowed others to help her. She just didn't try to push buttons with them and she was too embarrassed and self conscious to ACT A FOOL with them.

So, I hope my suggestion for tutoring helps as well as my personal experience. Keep us updated.

YM

------

I re-read my response at a later time and just wanted to update it because I totally missed the stealing part.

He's stealing books from the book fare??? What the heck kind of stealing is this??? :P

The issue of shame came to my mind on both of these behaviors. Lying comes from shame and stealing causes torturing shame. But, the emotions and exiliration of stealing can also be a high. Good - ness, I hope he isn't getting himself into that kind of yo, yo, cycle.

Even on this issue, I would come up with some solutions to help him with "shame" issues. He must just feel terrible about himself (which will most likely come across with defensiveness and outragious emotional anger) having done some stealing already. Although it might seem like a thing to punish him over and maybe even lecture him over by saying stuff like "Stealing is wrong. Don't you know that?, Why are you do ing this? You should know better?" All of that typical parental response is in effect very shaming in and of itself.

Here's and idea: Could you demonstrate automatic forgiveness of such terrible offenses? And just step aside... then, bless him with an activity that will build his self esteem. He doesn't even need to make the connection at all. It could work like, "Oh, Dad just told me that you stole his blankity blank. That's something that Dad is going to be ready to talk to you about when you go back home. Now, here's a pamphlet about the YMCA. I just want you to know that I have $45.00 to put toward, karate, basket ball practice with a coach, fencing, or swimming lessons... which one do you want to do. It's my valentine's day present for you." He'll probably say, "Just give me the money Mom." because he wants to spend it on Poke'mon cards. But, you can reserve the "gift givers right" to give the gift that makes YOU feel good to give.

What do you think of my theory?

Take what you like and leave the rest.

Keep us updated... I'll check back again.

It sounds like comeone is acting out and needs more attention. Is Grandma able to get out? If she is able to get around still, maybe suggest enrolling him in a sport or social activity. That way he will feel accomplished and the attention will be positive.

Stealing and lying (unfortunately) are a phase that children of that age go through. In fact, I have noticed it begins much earlier in childhood. It's not as noticible at the younger ages, but even the simplest of things, such as "sneaking a cookie before dinner" would be considered lying and ultimately "stealing"... the cookies do not belong to "them" and they know they are not supposed to have it.
I think that the issues should be addressed in a consistent mannor. I completely understand about "sharing" the responsibilities with another parent that may not handle things the way you do. I went through the same thing with my daughter (who is now 16). It's a tough battle, but if YOU and your new husband remain consistent, your child will remember that and respect you for it in the long-run.
There's nothing you can do to change the way "dad" is handling things, but keep in mind... there was a reason you trusted him with your pride and joy in the first place. You obviously think he's a good guy, at least enough that you thought it was best for him to parent "full-time"... The biggest thing is to remember WHY your son is there in the first place... remember all the reasons you thought his father was the best fit...
The last thing your child needs to know is that he can play both the natural parents against eachother. You have no idea how much power you give that little being when you allow this to take place.
It's best if the parents can communicate. This is not always possible, so I suggest you remain the same "mom" as you always have been, and be there for him (and his father) when he needs direction.
In short (yeah right!) don't be so quick to judge "dad" and say that he isn't raising him right... find out ALL of the facts and see if there's a history of it... your son should have some consiquences for his actions, but moving him from one home (as he knew it) to another I view as a last recource... Please email me if I have totally confused you!

By the way, I am a single mother (age 32) of two... My daughter is 16 and my son is 11. In a serious relationship in which I will be married for the first time, and trying for number 3. I've been through a lot of "crap" with fathers and children, and in the end, although it is very frusterating, the child is the one who ultimately hurts when parents fight over them.

Best of luck to you and your family!!!!

I would continue following through on consequences when he misbehaves, which it sounds like you and your new husband have been doing a good job of. The divorce and new marriage has probably been a huge adjustment for him. His behavior may be deeply rooted in him trying to deal with the change of having two dads. I would try to let him spend more time with his stepdad, an activity, they both would enjoy, to help create a bond with him. That would probably help him adjust better. And maybe you could ask the grandma to come over to your house to watch him for that one hour and then his dad would'nt have to complain about daycare and he could live with you.

Been,through the different rules at different homes with my stepdaughter, maybe it's just that?! Maybe your son needs to be reminded when he comes home that you have different rules that need to be followed, and just remind him of what they are. Good that you follow through with consequences! maybe a sport or some kind of activity would help, keep his mind going so there is no time for trouble! As for the book fair, the teachers should not take him to the library or wherever they are having the bookfair, that would stop the stealing from there, right away! you just have to make sure he know why stealing is bad? why people shopuldn't do it, the consequences of what happens when you steal! Then just follow through! MIght work, might not... just thought I'd try and help!