7 Yr Old Thinks I Love the Baby More

My 7 year old son would say the same thing, whereas his two older sisters had more of a vocabulary to express themselves when he was a baby. Try not to take it personally! Although they were only 3 and 5 years old when their baby brother arrived, my girls were able to say truthfully that other people looked right through them and only paid attention to their baby brother, as if they were not even in the room, including well-meaning friends and relatives. I felt like such a dummy! Little old ladies that they were, they seemed to understand that this didn't mean I loved them any less. Enjoy them while you can! S.

Although telling him that you love him is good, Don't just tell him. Show it by including him in as much as you can. Ask him what he thinks will help in different situations with the baby. Tell him that he has good ideas. Make him feel needed and he will feel loved. Give him his own time with you at his scheduled bedtime every night. Read to him "every" night. Don't stop as he gets older. Sharing reading is fun too. You read a page and he reads a page.
Good Luck!
S.

Hi D.,

First of all, it is normal your son may feel a little left out. Let's face it, the relationship has changed. Alot. It is great that you are making special time for the two of you. Your son will need that. The age difference is too great. Your children will not have alot in common for many years and their needs are different too.

Be careful not to be guilted into overindulging your son. This is life, he will have to adjust. There are going to be changes. My daughter, now 30 is seven years older than my son, now 23 and she always resented him. Frankly as she became more and more jealous and her behavior became more angry it was almost a self fulfilling prophecy because she just wasn't pleasant to be around and I actually did enjoy the company of my son more.

That does not mean I loved my son more. We do not get some finite amount of love to share, but we give all of our love to each child. Our children are not all the same so we do not treat them the same.

I will say today my son and daughter are great friends and it is I, who occasionally feels left out. lol.

I know small babies are a novelty, they are adorable, stay little for such a short time and require lot's of physical care; but, if you continue to find special time to share your sons interests your relationship will continue to be close and as your daughter grows more responsive to your son so will his love for her.

J. L.

I try not to tell my kids that I love them "the same." I usually say something like "I love you as much as I can possibly ever love anyone. I love you for all the things that make you you, like your silly sense of humor, and your intelligence, and how much fun I have with you, and how snuggly you are, and the way you smell, and they way that tuft of hair almost always sticks up, and.... and...." and then, if he asks about his siblings, I say I love them as much as I can love anyone too, for all the things that make them who they are, and list as few. Usually, this makes them feel good about themselves, because I've listed a bunch of things that are special just about them, and that I know and love how special they are.

There's a great book called "Siblings Without Rivalry" by by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish which I highly recommend, which deals with stuff like this as well as a lot of other sibling issues.

It's really tough! I have an 8 year old and an almost 4 year old (both boys), and my older son sometimes feels the same as yours.

What I do is TRY to set aside some time every night for your older child. It might be a little easier because of the age difference - maybe when the little one goes to sleep - read together, play cards or a board game. Sit and watch a show - share a snack. Sometimes I have hard time putting all of my attention on my son when we are alone (the dishes, the laundry, that kitchen floor!) but once I realized how much fun he was having, and I was too - it got easier.

Carving out some special time is the way to go! Each of my kids now get special time with mom - and everyone is happy (well, most of the time!) :)

Your doing the right thing. I would continue to have a "date night" with him monthly. Where it's just the two of you and you let him know just how important he is to you. I recommend reading the 5 Love Languages. I think its important to figure out what his perception is of love. This way you may figure out he just needs a lot of verbal reasurance, a date night type event or lots oof hugs and kisses. My DH and I have 2 different "love languages" he's verbal and I'm more through actions. So its hard for us to speak the others language sometimes but it's also a must.
My DS almost 12 is very jealous of his sister 3. I try to do many things. Having him read to us outloud seems to have helped. The funny thing is he HATES reading. So it's just finding his special nitch and working with it.
Best of Luck!

Have you gotten him involved with the baby such as letting him feed her, give her baths or having him help dress her. Let him baby sit while you are busy doing something else.
Have him teach her how to walk. Things like this may help you. Keep reasuring him how much you love him and praise him on a good job he is doing with his sister. Some day he will be a big brother to her which she may need some day.
Good luck. Take care. God bless.
Barbara

HI-

I happen to be reading a very good book on this subject right now. It is called Siblings without rivalry and it is written by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. They have some excellent ideas and strategies to help with these kinds of issues.

Essentially, think they would say that you should tell your son not that you love both of them the same, but that you love him for who he is and you love your daughter for who she is. Your son wants to feel special for being him and that is what you should emphasize.

I recommend the book. It might really help you.

Oh boy, do I know how you feel! When my DS2 was a few months old, my 5year old DS1 & I had the following conversation:
DS1: Sometimes I just want to go away.
ME: I understand, but I won't let you leave. I would miss you too much.
DS1: (completely serious & matter-of-fact) But mama, you have another son now. You don't need me anymore.

I double the recommendation from a pp re: Siblings without Rivalry. I also highly recommend the picture book "I Love You the Purplest". This book answers the question "Who do you love the most" in a beautiful, thoughtful way that focuses on the individual characteristics of the children in the story.

I tell my son, "Yes, I have two children. But you are the child who made me a mother. YOU changed me from sister, wife, daughter into MAMA."

I think you are right on track with reminding him you love him the same and I think you are doing great with the alone time with him :)
I know this issue is tough but it is a big change for him as he has had you all to himself for many years. You are doing a great job already!

Hi,
I went thru the exact same thing. The date for dinner and a movie is a great way to go! I notice that when the baby turns about 8-10months that is when the older one started to have love pains. Baby is no longer a sleeping blob, but a person that is taking away mommy's time. All you can do is keep reasuring the 8 year old and at the same time remind the 8 year old that baby needs more help - keeping in mind that soon baby will be able to walk and run and be more fun for the 8 year old. My second one is now 22 months and my 6 year old is now having more fun with her and there are less complaints of lost love. I had them at the beach the other day and they were working in the sand together and it was the cutest thing I have ever seen! good luck

hi D.,
I like AG's response. I don't know of any books and my now 8 y/o is an only child, BUT, before she came along I was always involved and available for my 8 nieces and nephews (who were aged 9-18 when she came along), and the younger ones were VERY jealous and resentful. I had to explain, that babies take up alot of time (and since I breastfed, it seemed like she was 'always' attached sometimes), but that babies need their parents (and big brother, and cousins-in my case) to help them and do everything for them (feed, wash, dress, change, 'exercise' etc) And explain that love grows and there is enough to go around, because you love both of your kids, your husband, your parents, your siblings etc and as families grow, so does love.
Hope this helps! Sorry, kinda long...W. Huff

You have lots of great responses here. I would just emphasize a couple of things. Again, it's nothing you're doing wrong - it's something all kids say! Try not to take it personally or cry so much - you're got to get some rest! A special activity is a great thing. Also you can engage him when you are doing things for the baby, saying, "I remember when you were this small and I did this with you. I love remembering those times but I love the fact that we can have more and more fun as you get older." You want him to know that you did the same chores and he had the same needs without him thinking that he should act babyish to get the attention. Highlight your special times with him as the older child - things the baby can't do yet. Definitely keep saying that you love them the same, that your heart is big enough for lots of love. He can help you with the baby and engage, as long as he doesn't see it as him having a job that she doesn't' have. If you 2 can laugh together at something the baby does, great. You can also say, when he does something great, "I wish she were old enough to appreciate how funny (talented, sweet, caring, etc.) you are. As she grows up, she's going to love you more and more." Good luck!

you're getting tons of good responses, i just wanted to throw in one more. We tend to talk to babies like "who is momma's pretty girl? wow, what a good eater! momma loves you so much! etc.." He might just need the excitement in your voice when you congratulate, comment and express love for him. Even though he is a big kid, and gets different comments, he probably still wants his mommy to be proud of and excited about him.

I go through kinda the same thing with my 8 year old and 2 year old. I just tell my oldest its not that I love the baby or like him more its that he is a baby and needs more help. The baby cant do things on his own so he needs more attention. Then I remind my oldest what he can do and what the baby cant and as the baby gets older I wont have to do as much for him as I do now. That usually works.

Hi D.!

You can also tell your kids that love grows. With each new family member, the love you have for each grows as your family grows. Good luck!

L.

Hi D.,
Sometimes it helps to refer to your love as unconditional and complete, rather than the "same". I say this because we treat each of our children differently, according to their ages, needs and personalities, and so the words "I love you the same." sometimes don't make sense to children, who compare everything. So you might say "I love you both with all my heart, forever and always. Dad and I love you for exactly who you are!" Best of luck!

Tell him: "You are special, you are my first born son! " and for your daughter, when she is old enough to complain: "You are special, you are my youngest baby!" Or: "You are special, you are my first born daughter!" Good luck!

Hi D.,

As I'm sure you're hearing from the other moms, this is perfectly normal. When my older son was born, my oldest daughter adored him; same with his baby brother two years later. Then, one day, my daughter says out of the blue, "Babies always get all the attention and all the love!" She was ten or eleven by then, I think, but still feeling unloved :( It was hard to hear and I think I got annoyed, to be honest (I mean really, I did everything with her!), but I just told her that even though I had to spend more time with the babies sometimes, I loved her exactly the same way as I did them. I also reminded her that I got to do all the big kid stuff with her that I couldn't do with them.

If you want to go the children's literature route, there are many great books to help. On Mother's Lap by Ann Herbert Scott is a great one (http://www.amazon.com/Mothers-Lap-Ann-Herbert-Scott/dp/06...; as are I'm a Big Brother by Joanna Cole (http://www.amazon.com/Im-Big-Brother-Joanna-Cole/dp/06881...) and What Baby Needs by William and Martha Sears (http://www.amazon.com/What-Needs-Sears-Children-Library/d... , although this one specifically mentions breastfeeding, so if you're not it might be confusing).

Good luck, D., and just remember that this too shall pass :)

--M.