7 Year Old "I Don't Want to Be Your Daughter"

I think you have a great response. You might ask why and then explain that life has consequences and that some are good and some are not so good and it is really up to her what kind of consequence she would like to deal with, the good or the bad. Always let her know that you love her.... she will pull through.

Take a Love and Logic Parenting Class (or book). Practice saying..."I know." And "That is so sad." "I love you too much to argue." then, take sometime to meditate and contemplate why she may feel this way. Has something major happened to change in her life? Are you working more? Are you dating someone? Did something change at school...ask teachers. Think of some ideas that may be an issue for her. Then get a time to go out to dinner or something just the two of you. Gently ask her to process her feelings.

It sounds to me like you are handling it very well. she is just trying to get to you and it sounds like it is working. If she was saying it when you were having a great time, maybe there would be cause for concern. Since you just tell her you still love her and don't get mad at her about it, then I think you are handling it well and this too shall pass!

This is tough love but when I was little and my parents were divorced and I didn't like how my mom was treating me because I wasn't getting my way my mom one day told me OK if you don't want to live with me you can live with your dad. I really did not want to live with my dad and I was shocked. It was more shocking when my dad came to come get me. We had a long talk. My dad handled the situation well and didn't force me to go with him but I never made false threats to my mom again. This was one time I truly respected her. Good luck! I think I was probably around your daughters age.

Try "Love and Logic" or "123 Magic". The magic book you can get either at a bookstore or your public library. Usually the love classes are offered through your school district. They are both great, and will give you the tools to deal with her toxic behaviors, and neutralize her negative power. I have been a single parent too, with a difficult child, and am now a teacher with a masters. Neither of those qualifications helped me deal with my son, but those programs did. There are even more like S.T.E.P. and others, but the two I mentioned are great. You just have to keep working the program to regain your sanity!

A.,

Welcome to life as a mother of a 7-year-old.

Your daughter is learning what it feels like to experience guilt and shame. My advice try not to take it too
personally and reassure your daughter that you love her.

Say things like "but I'm so glad that you are"
Resist the temptation to say thing like
"sometimes I wish you weren't"
(your daughter already has that voice in her head)
Many times a child believes that they are not lovable
because of what they have done.

Thank you for your concern.
This is an important time for your daughter

With Joy, C.
Loving Connections LLC

I have a six year old that must talk to your daughter!!! :)
It is typical response. I get "I am going to move away" or "you are the meanest mom in the world". I tell her that she hurts my feelings when she says these things and that the best thing she can do is not say anything when she is angry, because those words always hurt and I know she doesn't mean them. I tell her I love her no matter what but I would appreciate her not saying ANYTHING until she calms down.
Just constantly remind her to think before she speaks. I have had this talk on and off for the past year with my daughter. She is getting it finally I think. I catch her right after she is about to mouth off and simply say " please do not speak to me until you are calm so you don't say anything you regret". Then after she calms down, tell her you love her, if she does say anything ugly just simply say "well, I know you don't mean that, I will talk to you when you calm down". Once the shock value wears off and isn't effective she will stop, or so we hope!!!

I would highly recommend the book Hold on to Your Kids: Why parents need to matter more than peers by Gordon Neufeld. I got it from my local library. It is excellent, and focuses on how to build and maintain a connection with your child so that they WANT to obey you, because they love you. It also talks about how our culture today often encourages kids to make that connection with peers rather than parents. It is a great book--I just finished it and will be taking steps to do some of the things he suggests.

Good luck in a difficult situation.

Dear A. L. I think that is quite tip cal. All my children went through that stage saying they did not love me and it hurt me until I realized that it was just them trying to control me. My reply was well I still love you anyway and you still have to do the job. They grew out of it and stared something different. I think you are on the right track.
I hope this helps
Thanks C. J.

One thing that just popped into my mind is it sounds like she's trying to push your buttons and possibly start a debate or argument by making a "controversial" statement. One idea from Love & Logic stuff is to have a simple phrase that you use over and over when kids are trying to argue with you... so she says "I don't want to be your daughter" and you say "I know" in a sympathetic genuine way, not sarcastically. Or "I'm sorry you feel that way", or "I love you too much to argue." The key to this technique is to not make it sarcastic and to not put any emotional energy into their comment by kind of going brain dead and just repeating the phrase. I use "I know" a lot with my 6 year old when he tries to engage me in a discussion or argument that goes on and on with whining, etc... You may want to check out a love & logic book or CD to learn more about that technique if you think it might work.
For kids who threaten to run away I think the line to say is, "I'll love you wherever you live".
Hope that technique helps and if not, I hope you find something.
R.

Don't take it personally.
Don't say anything mean to her - she'll remember it inside her heart for ever.
If it really bothers you, Do let yourself look sad and say, "It hurts my heart when you say things like that. That makes mommy feel really sad." or just look sad...and tell her you need a hug.

my daughter has trouble with her conflicting emotions, but she's always willing to give me a hug and doesn't really want to make mommy feel sad. she's just upset.

My experience has been that kids are always looking for the "power words" they can say that will get a reaction. This is not meanness so much as exploring their world, of which you are a very important part.

My advice would be to ignore this nasty little phrase. Then try to find time in your schedule to give your daughter one-on-one attention, say on Saturday mornings or Wednesday afternoons or whatever works for you.

It works best if you can make this time one in which she gets to decide how you will spend your time together, giving her a place to experience positive power. Don't expect her to be an angel during your time together. However, if you make this kind of event a recurring thing in her life, her behavior is very likely to improve.

This kind of special time been so helpful in my relationships with my kids.

You're instinct is right. This is actually the first skill they teach in Love & Logic. Kids try to push you to get you to change your mind and change the limit. They know how to ush buttons. So Love & Logic teaches, don't engage in the argument,stay calm... How do you do this?? Go "brain dead," and repeat your one liner "I love you too much to argue" over and over again. You can even tyr "Nice try" when they say something silly like "I hate you, I don't love you, I don't want to be in this family anymore". Reasoning with an angry person is useless, so go Brain Dead and pretty soon she'll realize she doesn't get anywhere with this behavior and it will lesson or stop.

There are great CDs & DVDs in the library on Love & Logic. I also teach classes and do parenting coaching on these techniques, so help is available if you want more info. My website is www.shellymoorman.com.

Give it a try! Good luck

Sounds like you are handeling it great. My 8YR old girl will try stuff like that too, "I am never talking to you again, I want a new family, you do not love me and are mean..." I just reassure her that I know she doesn't really mean it and she's upset and that I love her even when I have to discipline her, and then I do my best not to let emotion take over when what she says hurts because I know she is just trying to get to me and it's all part of the drama.

You are doing the right thing......it's most likely a phase and will pass. Telling her you love her and that you will always be her mother help to affirm to her your unconditional commitment to love her forever. Hang in there!
A.

A.,
I have to start with I used to do this to my mom, even accusing her of not being my real mother. I am sure this was very upsetting to her. Why I did this I do not know, I know with 3 brothers and being the only girl I think I wanted more attention from my mom. I wanted her to sit down and talk with me about whatever, whether it be a list of the chores she, my dad and brothers all did so I didn't feel I was the only one or whether it was about how I was different from them.

I was very strong willed but was also not allowed my own say on things which I think affected me well into my 20's of not feeling my voice was important. I am 43 now and have gotten past all that but try and give my kids as much input as I can so they feel they have a voice. It may be a list of chores and they choose which 3 they want to do so they feel a little in control.

I'll end with this, I was a terror like that as a child but a really easy girl teenager and my brothers that were easy little kids were much more work as teenagers. I figure it was much nicer for my parents to have difficult times with a young girl than worry about a crazy teenage girl!

Good luck! Communicate and give choices.

S. M

It sounds like you are handling it very well. My son is 4 1/2 and says things like that, that he doesn't like me or wants a different mom, and I just tell him that I love him all the time, even when I'm frustrated, and that he'll always be my son no matter what he says. It's almost put a stop completely because he says those things to hurt my feelings and I don't let it. So he's not getting the response he wants. If you consistently tell your daughter how much you love her, even when you are upset with her, and that you never stop loving her, you just sometimes don't like the things she does, it should get better. But that's totally normal. I can remember telling my parents I didn't like them and wished I had different parents at that age.

Hi A.,
7 is a great time to learn that even when we are really mad at someone there are still social rules about what is okay to say. Try to calmly tell her that you know she is mad and that is okay, that she can tell you she is mad at you, or that she thinks you are unfair, but that saying she doesn't want to be your daughter is something that just isn't going to happen and that isn't okay to say because it hurts you and then makes her feel bad later. Tell her that you sometimes say things you don't mean also and that the 2 of you will work on that goal together.
Good luck, B.

We went through this also. When my boys started telling me "I hate you" I took the advice of my cousin and told them they don't have to like what I do, but they don't get to talk to me that way. We then talked about what they didn't like and work together from there. Your right that you have to stop this now before she it get out of control. Explain to her that there is a difference in not liking what you say and not liking you. Of course she loves you, your her mom, so try not to take it personal and just keep loving her.

Hi A.-
I know it feels very serious to you that your daughter rejects you, but I just have to laugh at little because she is such a typical little stinker, just like my two. She loves you so much and she's so confident you'll never let her leave you that she'll say whatever she can think of to try to get her way. It's instinct for kids; they don't think it through because their brains don't work that way. Don't take it seriously or let it bother you. It doesn't mean anything!!! except "I don't like being disciplined, maybe this will work." I used to tell my kids, "I understand how you feel; most kids your age resent having to do chores. Now get going." I think the "brain-dead" advice is great--it's not a reasoned action on her part, so don't over-think it. I used to tell myself, "Aren't I lucky that my daughter is so confident and sure of my love that she'll tell me to get out of her life?" Keep smiling, and don't worry!

Hey there,

I have a sassy 7 year old girl as well. She's yelled all sorts of things at me from hating me to saying she's running away (where did she even hear about THAT option?) to playing with swear words at the most embarrassing times (in our house, I can deal..in the supermarket...with grandma..oy!). So a friend recommended 'hugs for everything.' She yells. I hug. She cries. I hug. She hits her sister. I hug. She freaks out about homework. I hug. It's hard to yell back or punish or freak out if you're hugging her. And you know what? Her little body just relaxes and she breaths normal and even talks to me about what's going on. I need to set this in concrete b'fore she gets to be a teen. So I'm stocking up on hugs now. And when they hit eachother..I hug 'em both (and squish 'em together) which just drives them nuts! But it works...

I was sassy when I was 7 and my mom totally took it personally and STILL holds it against me. Jeez. I was just a kid. Experimenting with all the new things I was learning about.

Have fun!

This is so normal, I have 7 kids and used to give them the same reply, my oldest DD even went so far as to invent an "invisible mommy" and when I would say something she would tell me her "mommy" said she didn't have to, lucky for me about a year later the "mommy" ran away to find a new family, at the time it was frustrating know of course we look back and laugh, she's 15 know. Ok fast forward to kids 5,6 and 7. My reply has know become "Fine I'll live know go do what I asked" I think after seven kids I just have a thicker skin. It also seems to really burst their bubble when I don't appear to "fall for it. I know it wasn't much help but it will pass, just love her inspite of it. Good luck!

Been there. Hated that. It's so hard to hear your child say THAT, A.. And I'm sure your daughter has picked up on the fact that this is a pretty effective "reactive response" to her displeasure at being disciplined.

I think you're handling it really well. Some Mom's take an even lighter approach, choosing to respond, "I'm sure sorry you feel that way," in a blow-it-off tone of voice.

Seven year olds are what teachers call "brain dead know it alls" (lovingly of course!) so this too shall pass. they learn to read really well at this age, and they think they have all of the rest of the answers after that . . . sigh.

In many cases, young girls will "open up" in time to a big sister or favorite aunt about things they are not disclosing to Mom. (Much as we hate that!)

I know of a really great summer program that might be a fun opportunity for both of you! We have several professional women in town who don't have kids of their own here and would love to give Mom a break once a week or so. Please check out my Mama Source profile and drop me a line if you would like to visit about our new youth projects!

God's best to you both ~ V. J.

My daughter hasn't said those exact words. But she does say things like, "I want Papa now!" Or "I don't love you forever anymore!" Or even, "I'm so mad at you Mama because you're being mean to me!" She's not 7 yet, just nearly 4. But she responds extremely well when I tell her how it makes ME feel when she says those things. when she says she doesn't love me forever anymore, I tell her it makes me really sad to hear her say that. Or when she says she's not very happy with me because of something, I tell her that it makes me unhappy when she says that and when she does whatever it is she was doing before she decided she wasn't happy with me. Usually those remarks follow some kind of scolding because she's doing something she knows she's not supposed to do. Anyway, if your daughter is anything like mine, she won't like to make people angry or unhappy with her, and she'll try to fix it or talk about it when you tell her she's made you upset. Hopefully that helps a little.

A., Sorry you are being told that. That is horrible, but it shows you are doing something right! I'm not sure what I would do in that situation, but keep up the good work. Continue discipling her and encouraging her when she is being good. Good luck!

it's a phase, like so many of the "unfun" things that kids go through, i'm sure it hurts, but your response is good. i'd recommend "how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk" i think the first chapter actually deals with this, but it will help you talk with your daughter and vice versa so as you get through this you two can also both grow and maybe get through it faster than just ignoring her when she says it, or waiting it out. good luck. we're dealing with hitting other kids, so, now i know the FUN just never ends :)moms have a tough job!

have you asked her why? I remember being at my sisters once and her son said "I hate you mommy" she sat down by him and said "why do you feel that way" he started talking about how he didn't want to do his chores and he wanted to go out to play and she wouldn't let him and it made him angry and he hates her. She said I am sorry you are angry. I don't like to do my chores either. He was surprised--you don't have chores he said, sure I do--and she started listing them. then asked what would happen if she didn't do her chores what would the house be like, and they were talking about how gross the dishes would be and how yucky the clothes in the house would get and they were laughing about it and she said, see how doing my chores helps the family? he said yeah-- and she asked if he wouldn't mind doing his chores to help out the family. he said okay and she gave him a hug and said she loved him and he got up and turned around and said I don't hate you mom. She said I know and I am glad you are happy now. he went and did his chores. I was so amazed at how calm she was and how she validated his feelings--he wanted to express his frustration and she let him talk about it. I thought of that experience as I read your post--I was wondering what my sister would say--I think she would definitley say what you are saying, and then ask why the child feels that way- I hope I can remain calm and focused when those things come up for me as well. Maybe ask her whose daughter she would want to be? it might just shock her! lol. and she might be able to give you some insight into how she is feeling and open up a forum for you to talk about what it means to be part of a family together. I don't know if that helps at all but I loved watching my sister in action, and like I said, I only hope I can be as candid and loving with my dd as she was.

I would take the Love and Logic approach and explore the foster care system with her. She's NOT going to like it, but I'd be very calm and loving about it and say something like, "well, if that's how you really feel, let's see what we can do about it," and then gather all the information you can on surrendering a child into Foster Care and plop it right in front of her. Read with her all the statistics about what can happen to those kids (!!) and be very frank that this is certainly her choice. The trick is for you to be very calm and loving and most of all, sincere, about the whole thing.

It's very easy for children in our society and socio-economic level, to become very entitled. Not that your daughter has. It's just that all the messages they get from mainstream media enforce the idea that everything in their world is disposable and at their finger tips. The wonderful thing about Parenting with Love and Logic is it puts those choices in our children's hands and let them learn - real time - the consequences of their choices at a time in their lives when the consequences are surmountable.

I'm a BIG proponent of letting children "figure it out" and fall down rather than saving and over protecting them. In the long run, they learn much more.

Good luck!

M.

A.,
When my son was around that age he would tell me he hated me every time he was in trouble. I just simply told him,"That's
fine son, hate me from your room." Believe me, it didn't last long. I didn't make a big deal about it and we did not discuss it. I didn't want him to think he had upset me to give him
any reason to continue.

I would keep doing what you are doing. Your daughter is just trying to upset you. No matter how much it may bother you, don't let hr see it. I am a mother of a 14 yr old, 5 yr old, and 3 yr old. I have been through this before. It des stop eventually. I promise

I think you handled it well. I would just say, don't get overly emotional or take it personally. Kids like to say things to get a reaction. And don't let her manipulate you with this. It is her way of not getting punished. P.s. I like your name :)

A.,
one advice I'd give you is about your friendship:
seek for understanding each other.
I believe it is great that she is outspoken, and sincerely tells you what she feels, even if it is disastrous to hear: she trusts you enough to tell you her feelings.
Now, going from this fortunate point, what if you two girls (one big and one little) sit down and look into each other's eyes.
A good start is to invite HER to be your advisor:
tell her you need her help, and share what problems you have about her behavior that you need to discipline her (maybe this is not exactly the right way to discipline her, maybe some other options would be better - sorry i do not know exactly how you discipline). So, tell her what AND WHY disappoint you in her behavior, and say that you are so sad, you do not know how to make your life together happier, and you need her advice as to what to do if she does not behave. Ask for her help in deciding what means should you use to REMIND her not to do wrong things.
Say that when she does not want to be her daughter then you cry and you want to be her friend forever, and on your side you will try to make things so that she will be a happy daughter, BUT you need her help: she cannot do or say bad things either: this is a work to do from BOTH sides.
Ask her also what kind of mommy does she need, and assure her that you will try to match her dream.
also, tell her what is her dream-daughter, and in this, point out very many things of how she already is, with the one lacking thing of her occasional misbehaviors...
Now, she is 7, but A. dear, she will be 17, and very soon. I am sure you want her as a friend for a lifetime, including her teenagers (the hardest for girls) time.
I speak from own experience: my girl is 17, and I had some hard time with her when she came to teenager's time, but you know, we won both, exactly as i suggest you to start unwrapping this situation right now: we are great friends, and if anything bothers her, she comes to talk to me, not to her friends of her age, because she knows Mom (me) is a SAFE PLACE to talk: mom will sit down and help thinking how to get over the problem, solve what seems unsolvable, will give advice without nagging, quarreling and directing as to what needs to be done. A girl needs a safe haven, and this safe spot is Mama. This is what we need to keep in kind, at all times. We as mamas succeed when we at all times remember to respect and value the individuality of this growing soul.
A child definitely has to follow the parent's regulations, and there definitelyh need to be the fences set up, as they are not capable to see all the dangers of their misbehavior, but our kids also need to learn to make decisions.

One thing what all my children liked with me, is this:
they ALWAYS KNEW THE CONSEQUENCES of their misbehavior, and they were the ones who helped me to set these consequences up. It was like if we signed an agreement:
you have your homework not done: you miss an hour of TV (or whatever she likes). You get a bad grade for not accomplishing the work - you do not go to the party this Saturday. You backtalk: you do not get an ice cream for a week.
Of course, these are just broad examples,
and for a 7 years old, you cannot set up BIG longterm goals: the misbehavior should immediately be followed by the consequences of locing something, not like Monday she did something wrong and then weekend she does not go to the movie: you need to adjust to the age all the time, and little ones are not capable to memorize these connections for several days.
My point is, A.: if she helps you to set up the rules ("honey, if you backtalk to me, then how should I remind you not to do it again, as it is not nice: you don't watch TV, or you cannot go play outside for an hour, and this does not change until you think it over and come to apologize" - give her a choice!), she won't be able to say that YOU punished her!!!, because it was an agreement between you two
then.
Whatever you decide,
please watch for the fact that you need to establish a safe happy environment where you are both friends, A., as right now it is not a big deal, but it might become in her teenager's time. You are a great mom that you are concerned, and as I say: this is not a disaster, this is a working situation, and please take care, dear ones!!!
M.